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Original poster

Is this reasonable or is it intentional

144 replies

tripleback · 17/01/2020 10:47

My girlfriend is having a dental procedure done today.it involves a general anaesthetic but is not serious as a procedure.
I have a long standing engagement that is not extremely important.It involves meeting old friends from my last place of work in a different city , one of whom I had a relationship with many years ago. I was really looking forward to this but my girlfriend was not too happy that my ex was going to be there too.
My girlfriend andI are together twelve months.We are very happy, do not live together,but are very involved in each other's lives.
She has poor relationships with her family and one one close friend. She is very close to her sister only.
She insisted that I collect her and be her next of kin.I have agreed to this but think that she could have asked her sister who lives nearby and would be available to collect her. I have cancelled my meet up and am disappointed. Is it unreasonable of her or me or even intentional ?

OP posts:
SwishSwishSheesh · 17/01/2020 11:59

FFS you make it sound like you've been together a week and she's expecting you to move a mountain for her! If you think she's not worth it just tell her and be done with her.

Aurea · 17/01/2020 11:59

My wisdom tooth took 40 minutes to extract. I was awake during the procedure. They have to drill your jaw and pull so hard you are left with a bruised and swollen face. . It's an awful procedure.

CooCooCoo · 17/01/2020 12:01

She clearly would feel more comfortable with you around.

She wants to know that she matters more than your ex < That as well, listen carefully to your gf!

LIZS · 17/01/2020 12:03

She would need someone to drive/accompany her home after a ga. she asked you, you could have said no but chose not to.

Janaih · 17/01/2020 12:04

Finish with her then you can go for a drink with your ex. You speak about your gf not partner as if shes a disobedient pet.

MidsomerMum · 17/01/2020 12:04

She’s asking you to look after her. It’s not unusual that she wants that person to be her boyfriend. It’s up to you whether that’s too much commitment but you need to be having that conversation with her.

slashlover · 17/01/2020 12:05

I was meant to have intravenous sedation at the dentist (lot of work needed done and I was terrified) but ended up with gas and air. The leaflet for intravenous sedation says

You must be accompanied by an able-bodied adult who can take responsibility for you (but nobody else, including children) following your treatment. This person should stay with you for 24 hours after you leave the clinic. If arrangements have not been made for someone to be with you after treatment, you will not be able to have the sedation.

Your judgement will be affected by the drugs. For the first 24 hours after your treatment you should not: go to work, drive, cycle, operate machinery, take responsibility for others, use sharp implements or cook, make any irreversible decisions.

Sharpscholar · 17/01/2020 12:07

Reading between the lines I think she is more into you than you are into her. This isn’t about the procedure it’s about her wanting you to be around more and you not being at the same place. Time for a chat about what you both want from the relationship?

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/01/2020 12:09

I recently had a 'dental procedure' under general. Coming round was HORRIBLE, it hurt ike hell (until they gave me morphine), I slept solidly for 10 hours afterwards (although that could have been the morphine) and the next day I kept dropping off intermittently throughout the day and couldn't frame a coherent thought.

She may not need a big dose of general so she may be perfectly fine or they may have to wack her under and keep her under for longer than they think (which is what happened to me), so the after effects could be unpredictable.

You sound more worried about missing your meet up than you do about your girlfriend, is that how you intended to come over? She won't have had any control at all over when she had the procedure done, it will be when the right dental surgeon is in the right place, do you realise that?

Bluntness100 · 17/01/2020 12:09

You think she did it because she doesn't want you near your ex ? We don't know her so can't comment if this is her rationale.

SpiderHunter · 17/01/2020 12:09

Tbh, it sounds like you're not really that fussed about her and you aren't particularly invested in the relationship. Whereas she is invested and clearly sees it as something more than you do. I think you have a moral responsibility to talk to her, because just carrying on when you see it as casual and you know she sees it differently is just stringing her along.

Original poster
tripleback · 17/01/2020 12:12

I care fr her very much.my point was that I could not understand why she wants me as next of kin when we are only together a year, her sister that she is close to lives around the corner, can collect her earlier.
She has no fear of the anaesthetic.
She insists on me being there and being her next of kin. She insisted on coming to my home for theweekend despite me having long standing commitments. She must not trust me either.
If this was an operation like appendix out or her tonsils out, I could understand why she wanted to be minded for the weekend and that would be fine but she has no fear of the tooth extraction or the anaesthetic and her sister who is her next of kin is around the corner from the surgery. That was why I posted.
Lately each time we meet she has a pain and ache or an infection or is sick and needs to be minded. I feel like I am her carer rather than her boyfriend.she has no other person in her life beside a sister and a friend.

OP posts:
Scatterlit · 17/01/2020 12:13

My sister had a wisdom tooth removed a couple of weeks ago. She was warned in advance to have someone collect her, and in fact my father had to half carry her to the car, she was still so woozy, and although she’d planned to go home to her own house, he was so alarmed by how out of it she was that he took her back home with him for the weekend.

I agree you sound far less into the relationship than she is.

WheresMyChocolate · 17/01/2020 12:13

I would end the relationship if my partner would rather go out with friends than be there to support me through surgery, no matter how minor.

Scatterlit · 17/01/2020 12:15

It’s the next of kin thing that is obviously freaking you out. Be honest with her — you don’t want that status, and she’s a casual girlfriend as far as you’re concerned.

ForestYeti · 17/01/2020 12:15

I think it sounds like she’s doing it to stop you going to meet your friends personally & agree next of kin after the amount of time you’ve been together seems a bit full on

Original poster
tripleback · 17/01/2020 12:17

I see her as more than casual and I see her in my life in the future but after such a short time it does freak me out to be ' insisted and expected ' to be next of kin. I did not know who she was one year ago and now I'm next of kin.Is it so unreasonable to feel like this??

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 17/01/2020 12:19

I don't think you can say whether it's reasonable or not - you're just in very different places.

Some people who've been together a year would be on the brink of moving in/getting engaged (some people have married and had a child by then, not that I am particularly recommending it). And others would be envisaging a lot more time before even considering more commitment.

Neither one is 'wrong' or 'unreasonable'. Just different.

But I do think you owe it to her to sit down with her and discuss how you both feel about the future. If she's seeing things moving forward and you don't, it's cruel to keep her hanging.

Aneley · 17/01/2020 12:20

Sounds like you are not into this relationship at all.

She may claim she's not afraid to appear brave or convince herself but still be afraid, you know. If I had any intervention done under GA, I'd want my partner with me more than any family member - that is what being in a relationship is all about. Obviously, you two are not at the same stage of the relationship and I think you should have an honest conversation with her (after she recovers). From everything you wrote this is a casual relationship for you and a serious one for her.

Nothing wrong with being on different pages if you're honest with each other about it. A year is not a short period of time to expect the other person to be there if you need them.

slashlover · 17/01/2020 12:21

Does her sister have DC?

SarahAndQuack · 17/01/2020 12:21

FWIW, I think if a friend of mine said she wouldn't like to be down as her girlfriend's next of kin to pick her up after surgery, because they'd only been together a year, I would be somewhat surprised. I wouldn't judge at all, but I would think it was a little unusual. That may be to do with age, though - we're all mid 30s and people are shacking up faster than in our 20s.

Aneley · 17/01/2020 12:22

Just to add - I've been like that (didn't feel ready to move in with a BF of three years), yet when I met my husband - I was engaged in 6m and married within a year. We are celebrating 7y of marriage soon and couldn't be happier.

ChipsRoastOrBoiled · 17/01/2020 12:23

Oh my. Not the most sympathetic, caring partner, are you. I think that if you need to end things if she's getting on your nerves so much and you find her so needy. My husband has to take me to the bathroom etc some days; thank goodness his attitude is very different to yours.

anotherday4 · 17/01/2020 12:23

No it's not unreasonable to feel like this, but also if she was the one for you then you wouldn't be questioning this, it wouldn't be freaking you out and you would want to be her carer and partner.
Maybe you need to be honest with her and tell her what your telling us

SpiderHunter · 17/01/2020 12:25

It is not unreasonable of you to not want to be in a serious relationship. Equally, after a year together it is not unreasonable that she would think the relationship pretty significant.

The bottom line is - you consider this relationship pretty casual, and she clearly thinks it something more serious. You need to talk to her about that.

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