Friend being too full on with baby

[Ohlookitsbackfatbetty]

So I'm a first time mum so please don't be too harsh if I'm being precious!

I have a good friend I see probably once or twice a fortnight. She currently works as a healthcare in maternity recovery (I think basically helping mums who have had c sections etc when they come out of theatre). Because of this she comes across as being very knowing of babies etc but I find her a bit too over confident with my daughter and I'm not sure how to deal with that? Maybe I'm being a worrier!

When I first had dd she would come over and give me a lot of advice (some which completely contradicted what my midwife said), she was a bit over bearing but I bit my tongue as I know she means well. She also used to pick dd up when she was sleeping etc so I had to ask her not to. Now dd is 8 months old and is happy sitting on the floor playing with her toys or whatever, but my friend will always come straight in and pick her up. I find that annoying but I could ignore it however I find my friend to be a bit over confident when she is holding dd too. She's been over for tea tonight and these are my examples so please tell me if I'm being an ott mother !

• dd was sat playing in her highchair with her food (we do baby led weaning basically dd throws food around and maybe some of it makes it to her mouth!). Friend was sat at the table next to dd and I got up to make us both a drink, when I turned round friend had got dd out of her highchair saying she had finished her tea and was making a mess so no more tea for her ? She definitely hadn't and I wanted her to try and have a bit more, mess is part of the course for babies eating! I didn't say anything at that point because it was already done so what was the point!

• later we were sitting and dd was on friends knee (dd had been crawling round the floor but friend picked her up) she then started tipping her upside down to make her laugh. I said oo don't do that she's just had tea so she will be sick. Friend said 'don't worry she won't' and kept doing it ? I feel like if I ask her not to do something with my child she shouldn't? I was so worried she'd drop her on her head because she really didn't seem to be holding her very well and dd is like a wriggly worm! I took her back at that point pretending she needed a bum change.

• dd was then sat right on the edge of friends knee holding friends fingers for support. I said please be careful as dd has a habit of launching herself off of people, friend laughed and said 'ohhh mummy is being silly I've got you!'. Two minutes later dd launched herself off friend and luckily my friend managed to sort of twist so she landed on the sofa. She could have easily have landed flat on her face on the floor though. At this point I picked up dd and held onto her for the rest of the visit.

I feel like I'm letting things annoy me more than they should as she has made a few comments about dd birth and how she wouldn't do things we chose (epidural, forceps etc). I feel a lot of guilt about dd birth (wrongly I know!) and her comments don't help. I know I'm going to have to have an awkward conversation with my friend. She just thinks she knows best because of her job but I'm with dd all the time and I'm her mum! Am I being completely precious? Dd is teething atm so I'm getting very little sleep and I just feel out of my mind 🤦🏻‍♀️

She's over stepping the mark.
She shouldn't have taken your DD out if her high chair. The most she "should" have done is make a comment about if she had finished.

Tell her not to pick DD upnwjen she's sleeping/playing. Something like "she's happy playing/sleeping, so leave her be, she can say hello in a bit" as your friend comes in the house. ,(Before she sees DD)

As for the choices at birth...who chooses a forceps delivery??

Had she had a child if her own?

No you're really not. Your friend sounds like a knob and like she's treating you child like she's a doll.

I think all you can do is be forceful. 'I asked you not to do that.' And remove your daughter.

If your friend gets upset then tough.

It's horrible when someone makes you doubt yourself like this.

Your "friend" is being completely unreasonable! She thinks because she works in healthcare doing whatever unqualified job she does she knows better than a qualified midwife and a mother!?!

I'm guessing she doesn't have any children herself...

Tell her straight that you would appreciate her asking before picking your baby up in any circumstances, and if she can't do that, and respect you as a mother, don't bother coming back to your house!

It sounds like a bit of both, you being tired that is and emotional but your friend is dismissing your wishes .
She is being very rude, I would also be open and honest about your feelings about birth and explain , has she actually had a baby by the way ? I don’t think anyone chooses to have forceps ?? And some labours are hideous so epidurals are needed ... I had an easy birth and the only thing that stopped me asking for one is because I was pushing my son out so it was too late ... but trust me I really wanted one ... She seems very immature ...

Stop inviting her around, if she turns up say oh we are going out and say you will see her another time. She sounds like a pain in the arse and it would piss me off, you do sound anxious though but I think I was with dd 1 so nobody is perfect. Is she actually just a qualified care assistant? If she is ( I used to be) tend to have a god complex (not me iwas very shy).I think you need to pull up your lady knickers and tell her what is going to happen and dont let her brush it aside even if you must repeat your request 10 times and it gets awkward, shes your baby and you know best. You need to be assertive.

By Saying you are emotional from lack of sleep I mean she is a good friend these personality traits possibly don’t grate as much on you on a normal day of the week? Personally she prob wouldn’t be my friend but you sound a more patient person than me x

She’s being ridiculous, I don’t know how you’ve not snapped by now!

She basically said she wouldn't have a forcep birth because she saw one once and it was brutal, I said I didn't have much time to think about it as dds heart beat had dropped significantly and I was in a lot of pain. She just replied saying well yes but she personally wouldn't do it? She hasn't got any children yet no, but she has a lot of opinions on how she will do things based on things she's seen at work.

I feel like I'm being a bit over protective of my daughter but at the same time I'm her mum. If a friend asked me to hold their child tighter or not to do something I'd bloody well do it even if I thought they were being ridiculous.

I have tried saying oh leave her or whatever but she just completely ignores me. Tonight I've just been taking dd off her whenever I've not been happy but she really isn't getting the message !

do you really want this person around.
its adding to your stress levels.
she's nothing to you.
give her the old heave=ho.
your daughter is everything to you.
save your energy and attention for her.
this person is not conducive to your child's flourishing, a she is not respecting your authority as the child's mother, and trying to usurp it.

I think lack of sleep is having an affect no doubt! When I was pregnant she gave me a lot of advice and I just let it wash over me and ignored it. The only time I snapped was when she had been saying something about me to another mutual friend and it got back to me. She backed off with her advice then, but now she's just as bad if not worse because before I could ignore her and now I can't because I don't want dd to get hurt or something (sorry if that sounds dramatic but her throwing her about really had me on edge 🤦🏻‍♀️)

I don't like the sound of this woman, I think at best she's being being extremely patronising...at worst a cow who appears to enjoy pushing your buttons!

Your mothers instinct can never be criticised, always remember that. She's your baby and you know her best.

My mother was a bit like this with babies and kids, she has an evil streak in her though and they'd usually end up getting hurt or crying.

Keep her away from your daughter, if she can't respect boundaries she gets an electric fence!

I have cut down the level of contact, I just use dd as an excuse as we are often out and about doing things (swimming or whatever).

The thing is I know she means well, she's just not the most mature and I know she loves kids so she is just trying to be super involved with dd. I need to be more assertive and just put my foot down a bit more I think! I've been trying to make little comments (like oh she will be sick!) rather than just saying stop please don't do that.

She keeps asking to babysit and saying how they are just in the next street so can come anytime. I just couldn't leave dd with her at all, I'd really worry about her safety.

Not to drop feed but friend is desperate to be a midwife and I can't see how she could be one! She loves babies yes, but the way she talks about pregnant women etc I feel like she would be in completely the wrong job.

Would love to know what magical option she would have gone for instead of forceps that would have quickly delivered a baby in potential distress. Like any of us would "choose" a forceps delivery for shits and giggles 🙄
She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh. She is condescending, dismissive, insensitive, and actually downright rude and disrespectful. Your options are basically have a very frank (and yes, probably awkward) conversation where you lay down the law a bit, or pull back from the friendship and see far less of her. Invest time in friends who don't make you feel like shit.

Well, good for her and all her experience in having babies....

She's a prize turd. Shes going to have a shock if she has a baby of her own and it hasn't read the books or consulted with her about how the delivery is going to be....

There's absolutely nothing that you've said in your OP that makes you sound ott or precious.

It sounds very much as if, in her own head, she's coming into your house and taking charge and almost trying to 'pull rank' on you: 'I'm a professional and know best', when clearly she doesn't, and she's massively overstepping a line.

You need to nip this in the bud and unfortunately, you're going to have to have a conservation about this with her, otherwise it's never going to stop.

That's the thing, she said to me ohh I wouldn't have had an epidural. I said I had one because I was advised by my midwife (my labour slowed so I was put on the drip to help contractions ramp up) and I was told this can be very intense and painful. She then told me the drip is not more painful 🤔 I pointed out she has never experienced a contraction!

I was talking to another friend who was pregnant and the time and said she was worried about defecating during birth. I said oh don't worry I think everyone does I certainly did. Friend then said no it's not that common actually! Everyone I have spoken to told me they did.

Looking back on it I'm not sure she is that great of a friend anymore. She makes me feel so crappy about the whole thing and people are right she doesn't really respect my decisions as a mum.

In complete honesty with you all she said some horrendous things when I was pregnant and now I'm sat thinking about it all. I'm not sure why I brushed it all under the carpet and forgot about it, possibly because I was just busy enjoying my daughter.

She hasn't got any children yet no

^

Now you do surprise me

No-one gives a shit whether you defecate or not during labour and your friend , who is a shit, should know that from her job.

As PP said if she turns up make excuses so she can't come in.

You sound lovely OP. You must make your boundaries clear to this person.

For example, when she does something that makes you uncomfortable, say firmly - ‘no, please do not (whatever she is doing)’.

If she’s already done it then say firmly ‘please can you not do that again’ and briefly give your reason.

If she persists, say ‘It’s lovely that you want to be do helpful with my DD, but she is my first child and it’s making me really anxious and upset that you will not listen to what I’ve said, please stop (whatever action she has just done).

I had to be firm with certain family members in the past in regard to my babies, and I’m glad I was afterwards. I’d rather have a few minutes of the awkwardness of saying it than stress and lack of sleep afterwards!

How much do you actually want this 'friend' in your life.

Sounds like you might very well be happier without her.

Perhaps it's time to ditch her.

I came to a weird realisation when I had babies, that many people take an almost sadistic pleasure in doing slightly risky things with them in front of a new mother, presumably so they can tut at how highly strung she is. My sister does it and she presumably loves me. I think it's more about their own ego and making themselves feel good.

Stop being so polite and tell her to piss off before she injures your daughter. She’s clearly clueless and making you feel like crap, you don’t owe her a friendship.