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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being too full on with baby

133 replies

Ohlookitsbackfatbetty · 16/01/2020 23:48

So I'm a first time mum so please don't be too harsh if I'm being precious!

I have a good friend I see probably once or twice a fortnight. She currently works as a healthcare in maternity recovery (I think basically helping mums who have had c sections etc when they come out of theatre). Because of this she comes across as being very knowing of babies etc but I find her a bit too over confident with my daughter and I'm not sure how to deal with that? Maybe I'm being a worrier!

When I first had dd she would come over and give me a lot of advice (some which completely contradicted what my midwife said), she was a bit over bearing but I bit my tongue as I know she means well. She also used to pick dd up when she was sleeping etc so I had to ask her not to. Now dd is 8 months old and is happy sitting on the floor playing with her toys or whatever, but my friend will always come straight in and pick her up. I find that annoying but I could ignore it however I find my friend to be a bit over confident when she is holding dd too. She's been over for tea tonight and these are my examples so please tell me if I'm being an ott mother !

  • dd was sat playing in her highchair with her food (we do baby led weaning basically dd throws food around and maybe some of it makes it to her mouth!). Friend was sat at the table next to dd and I got up to make us both a drink, when I turned round friend had got dd out of her highchair saying she had finished her tea and was making a mess so no more tea for her ? She definitely hadn't and I wanted her to try and have a bit more, mess is part of the course for babies eating! I didn't say anything at that point because it was already done so what was the point!
  • later we were sitting and dd was on friends knee (dd had been crawling round the floor but friend picked her up) she then started tipping her upside down to make her laugh. I said oo don't do that she's just had tea so she will be sick. Friend said 'don't worry she won't' and kept doing it ? I feel like if I ask her not to do something with my child she shouldn't? I was so worried she'd drop her on her head because she really didn't seem to be holding her very well and dd is like a wriggly worm! I took her back at that point pretending she needed a bum change.
  • dd was then sat right on the edge of friends knee holding friends fingers for support. I said please be careful as dd has a habit of launching herself off of people, friend laughed and said 'ohhh mummy is being silly I've got you!'. Two minutes later dd launched herself off friend and luckily my friend managed to sort of twist so she landed on the sofa. She could have easily have landed flat on her face on the floor though. At this point I picked up dd and held onto her for the rest of the visit.

I feel like I'm letting things annoy me more than they should as she has made a few comments about dd birth and how she wouldn't do things we chose (epidural, forceps etc). I feel a lot of guilt about dd birth (wrongly I know!) and her comments don't help. I know I'm going to have to have an awkward conversation with my friend. She just thinks she knows best because of her job but I'm with dd all the time and I'm her mum! Am I being completely precious? Dd is teething atm so I'm getting very little sleep and I just feel out of my mind 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 17/01/2020 09:30

Honestly she sounds awful. It’s up to you if you want to maintain this friendship but she seems to have a neck like a jockeys arse so you are going to have to be firm.

I’d be tempted if she ignored me to say,

“I’ve asked you not to do this. If you can’t respect my wishes you’ll need to leave. I won’t ask twice.”

Harsh but here is no misinterpretating that.

JumpingOnTheBed · 17/01/2020 09:35

You need to pull her up on this stuff when it happens too, it may seem like there's no point but there is.

I had the wife of my DHs friend tell me that she was going to do XYZ so as not to have a c section and be in labour as long as I was and all natural blah blah. Her labour still took 24 hours (although less than mine still 😂) and had an epidural Grin

Y

CoffeeBeansGalore · 17/01/2020 09:35

Sitting in a car passenger seat doesn't mean you know how to drive. This person (sorry, can't use the term friend after your posts) has never given birth so should not be giving her opinions as facts. This is your child, trust your instincts. You are not over reacting, you are being your child's mum.

Merrz · 17/01/2020 09:36

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, i know it's a shame to loose the friendship but i would be cutting contact or meeting when you don't have DD or go for a walk when dd is in her buggy or something so she can't be hauling her around.
This really grates me when people do this, I have similar issues with my sis-in-law, she works in child care so thinks she knows EVERYTHING about bringing up children! She makes me feel like i am doing everything wrong and am too soft with DD and seems to think its her right to discipline her and our nieces. She's also very rough when playing, throwing them around and stuff. It's completely different when it's your own and she'll be in for a big shock when she had DC.

beautifulstranger101 · 17/01/2020 09:39

I had the wife of my DHs friend tell me that she was going to do XYZ so as not to have a c section and be in labour as long as I was and all natural blah blah

My friend told me this too- made a big song and dance about it. She ended up having a C section. They also smugly told me that the baby would have to "fit in with them" and that "their lives werent going to change one bit!".
4 years on and they cringe at ever having said that and admit they were 100% wrong lol

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 17/01/2020 09:40

OP, I hope the responses here give you the confidence to accept you are not being precious (and who cares if you are....there's nothing more precious than your child, is there!) and speak up to your 'friend'.

She sounds at best annoying and at worst really undermining and risky.

Your DD sounds cute.

Butterymuffin · 17/01/2020 09:42

If you have her round again, don't be afraid to give direct commands, e.g. 'Stop that' 'Don't pick her up'. If she doesn't comply repeat it but prefaced with 'I SAID... ' in steely tone with mum glare. You can do it!

AryaStarkWolf · 17/01/2020 09:46

YANBU for someone who works in a maternity hospital she doesn't sound like she knows alot about babies and birth

QueenArseClangers · 17/01/2020 09:46

LTB.

She’s dangerous to your mental health and baby’s wellbeing.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 17/01/2020 09:54

Oh OP, your so-called friend is a total arsehole!

Please don't let her ridiculous comments about 'choosing' to have forceps make you feel any worse about your birth experience. Lots of us have horrible, unexpected and unwanted interventions - but you know what? They save our lives and our babies lives.

I'm very 'live and let live' but if she came out with this bollocks around me I'd literally shake her by the throat.

From all you've said she doesn't sound like an actual friend. I'd love her a wide berth for a time - quite a long time! Flowers

EmeraldShamrock · 17/01/2020 09:59

Be firm with her. Her time will come and you can sit back and laugh while she eats her words. Grin
You know your baby best.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/01/2020 09:59

She sounds overbearing but I'd have laughed at her when she made the comments about delivery/forceps and said "says the woman who has never given birth!" and been very dismissive of any further comments.

I would have put her straight back in the high chair and said "she hasn't finished yet" and continued with meal time.

She might think she's helping- she's clearly not!Hmm
Maybe meet in a cafe like a pp suggested and if babysitting is suggested just say grandparents would be offended as it's their job!

hairyxmasturkey · 17/01/2020 10:00

She has no kids. She is going to be really embarrassed about all the stuff she's saying if she ever has her own!

Marahute · 17/01/2020 10:01

Lord, you have done well to put up with her for this long. She sounds like a nightmare and I can't believe she does the job she does, with opinions like hers.

I have a friend who is a HV and she upset a mutual friend with a comment about her bed sharing with baby. Definitely a case of needing to turn off her work head when around friends. But your "friend" seems to have taken that to a whole new level and I would be binning her off.

Hilarious that she has all these opinions on childbirth and raising babies when she hasn't actually done it yet! Hmm

Bibijayne · 17/01/2020 10:06

You're not overreacting. Your friend is being disrespectful. If you ask her not to do something, she needs to not do it. She also needs to tone down her comments on your parenting.

RuggerHug · 17/01/2020 10:06

Maybe I'm as much of a bitch as her but any time she starts with her advice I'd laugh in her face and say ' Oh bless.....you've it all ahead of you to learn if you do decide to train in midwifery, there's a reason they make you qualify before they allow you advise people' then laugh some more.

gingersausage · 17/01/2020 10:15

You need to stop being a wet lettuce. If she’s upsetting you, make her stop. You don’t have to put up with it and you don’t need a reason to not want to be around her.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/01/2020 10:18

You’re not being precious at all! You’re being far more patient than most people would be with this -interfering, ignorant cow- friend!

She’s disrespecting you and your child too. TBH, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my house or my baby. Distance yourself massively. She doesn’t sound much like a friend at all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/01/2020 10:21

I'd want to go low/no contact with the friend if I was you OP but then equally I'd want to be around enough so that when she eventually has her own dc she realises.

LittleTopic · 17/01/2020 10:21

I think she’s a bit overbearing to be honest - telling you when your DD has finished eating and taking her out of the high chair?!

My SIL is a bit like this, but in her case she is OTT about health stuff (she’s in healthcare too). “Baby’s been sick oh no!” When it’s just a bit of milk Hmm

fedup21 · 17/01/2020 10:24

She sounds incredibly annoying-I would cut the visits right down.

Ishotmrburns · 17/01/2020 10:24

I'd be really pissed off about this. You aren't being precious at all. Make some clear boundaries. I know it can be tricky but you are a mum now. You are in charge of your DC, nobody else, no matter how pushy they decide to be.

Cam77 · 17/01/2020 10:27

Next time she says anything just say “we’ll do things our own way thanks”.

RunForBurritos · 17/01/2020 10:27

Simply put, your friend is a pain in the arse. I would stop inviting her over.

TheVanguardSix · 17/01/2020 10:28

Ahhhh got to the 'she hasn't got children yet' and the gong went.
How did we all guess that? Grin

Sooo annoying! She's been watching too many Super Nanny repeats.

I came to a weird realisation when I had babies, that many people take an almost sadistic pleasure in doing slightly risky things with them in front of a new mother, presumably so they can tut at how highly strung she is. My sister does it and she presumably loves me. I think it's more about their own ego and making themselves feel good.

YES! This is absolutely true. It is unacknowledged sadism, straight-up. It's jealousy too, no doubt. I had this with my brother. The moment he had his first child, he was a much, much, much kinder, gentler uncle to my own kids. But up until that point, he was the risk-taking uncle who knew it all!
It's also showing off: "Look how able and confident I am with kids. I'm a bloody natural!"

The thing about your friend is that she has plenty of experience with post-partum mothers, but nothing about her job has anything to do with child development. She hasn't a bloody clue it sounds like.