Friend being too full on with baby

[Ohlookitsbackfatbetty]

So I'm a first time mum so please don't be too harsh if I'm being precious!

I have a good friend I see probably once or twice a fortnight. She currently works as a healthcare in maternity recovery (I think basically helping mums who have had c sections etc when they come out of theatre). Because of this she comes across as being very knowing of babies etc but I find her a bit too over confident with my daughter and I'm not sure how to deal with that? Maybe I'm being a worrier!

When I first had dd she would come over and give me a lot of advice (some which completely contradicted what my midwife said), she was a bit over bearing but I bit my tongue as I know she means well. She also used to pick dd up when she was sleeping etc so I had to ask her not to. Now dd is 8 months old and is happy sitting on the floor playing with her toys or whatever, but my friend will always come straight in and pick her up. I find that annoying but I could ignore it however I find my friend to be a bit over confident when she is holding dd too. She's been over for tea tonight and these are my examples so please tell me if I'm being an ott mother !

• dd was sat playing in her highchair with her food (we do baby led weaning basically dd throws food around and maybe some of it makes it to her mouth!). Friend was sat at the table next to dd and I got up to make us both a drink, when I turned round friend had got dd out of her highchair saying she had finished her tea and was making a mess so no more tea for her ? She definitely hadn't and I wanted her to try and have a bit more, mess is part of the course for babies eating! I didn't say anything at that point because it was already done so what was the point!

• later we were sitting and dd was on friends knee (dd had been crawling round the floor but friend picked her up) she then started tipping her upside down to make her laugh. I said oo don't do that she's just had tea so she will be sick. Friend said 'don't worry she won't' and kept doing it ? I feel like if I ask her not to do something with my child she shouldn't? I was so worried she'd drop her on her head because she really didn't seem to be holding her very well and dd is like a wriggly worm! I took her back at that point pretending she needed a bum change.

• dd was then sat right on the edge of friends knee holding friends fingers for support. I said please be careful as dd has a habit of launching herself off of people, friend laughed and said 'ohhh mummy is being silly I've got you!'. Two minutes later dd launched herself off friend and luckily my friend managed to sort of twist so she landed on the sofa. She could have easily have landed flat on her face on the floor though. At this point I picked up dd and held onto her for the rest of the visit.

I feel like I'm letting things annoy me more than they should as she has made a few comments about dd birth and how she wouldn't do things we chose (epidural, forceps etc). I feel a lot of guilt about dd birth (wrongly I know!) and her comments don't help. I know I'm going to have to have an awkward conversation with my friend. She just thinks she knows best because of her job but I'm with dd all the time and I'm her mum! Am I being completely precious? Dd is teething atm so I'm getting very little sleep and I just feel out of my mind 🤦🏻‍♀️

She’s a classic non-parent imo. Not all are like this but many are, they have a thousand opinions about parents and how different they will be when they are a parent but they actually have no grasp of the reality of parenting whatsoever. The forceps thing is just absolutely ridiculous, nobody chooses forceps but it’s sometimes necessary.

She sounds like a bit of a twit, I’d stop inviting her round.

You have either got to stop asking her over or tell her straight op because this is not only causing you anxiety but could potentially risk an accident to your dd. I know the feeling of anxiety when someone takes your baby from you and you do not like what they are doing. I let my dh's family do this and I can always remember seeing my baby dd left outside a shop in her pram when my sil had her for a morning. I felt a feeling of panic but it seemed like an over reaction at the time and I was afraid of offending dh's family. It is a mother's instinct which is kicking in.

I don't get why you would allow your "friend" to do this. She is undermining you and making inappropriate comments about your delivery. How does she know, I take it she doesn't have a child herself. Just because you work with new mums does not make you an obstetrician.

I would cry off future visits. She is your daughter, not hers and you are not answerable to her.

I’d be more than happy to tell you if you were being precious but I don’t think you are. No one should be picking up someone else’s baby without asking, regardless of who they are. She’s being a real know it all. If she’s never had a baby she doesn’t know as much as she thinks. This little baby is yours, not hers, and what you say goes. Who the hell tips a baby upside down when it’s just been fed. You really need to assert yourself with her. As for the absolute bollocks about method of delivery she’s being a complete knob. Not a single woman would go into labour saying “I really want to try for a forceps delivery”.
I would give her one more chance after you’ve laid down the law then I’d bin her. Friends are supposed to uplift you, not cause you a massive amount of stress. It sounds like you’re doing great with your baby 💐

She sounds like a total fanny, and she won’t get near being a midwife if she’s all about the babies and not about the women. Midwife means with woman. Not with baby. Women are far more interesting than tiny babies, anyway.

Whenever she's arguing the toss over some point about child rearing/development/handling, just say "You do you with your own baby, I'll do me with mine!"

Well sorry to say it but she wouldn’t be my friend, I’ve never heard anything like it, know all that knows fuck all. Your baby your rules! No you are not being silly. This makes me blood boil. You say she’s a good friend, we’ll certainly not with your baby, sounds very immature to me, and control freak. Likes to take over as if your baby is hers, getting everything arse about tit. Knows zilch ! Even telling you about your birth, she’s a bloody fruit loop. You do things Your way love, hopefully she’s not your only friend, I use the term friend loosely.

I think you are being far too soft OP. Ease away from her. She is domineering and dangerous. She is also not listening. Stop answering the door, stop answering her texts or calls and stop engaging. She is dangerously awful.

Frankly she sounds like a twat

This would really piss me off.

She sounds like a royal pain in the arse. Constantly overriding your preferences and dismissing your experiences.

Either you need to get rid of her or be really really assertive to the point of stroppy when she does things with your dd that you don't want her to.

Either way, you'll be happier.

This “friend” needs to GO.

You need to be busy until your daughter is 35.

You have to learn to trust your instincts as a mum.
Not a bossy friend.
You are right and she is not.
That simple.

I have a sister who's 17 years older. She reminds me of your friend. She has nearly dropped both my kids when they were under a year old. Balancing them on her knee and a coffee in the other hand. She also used to suggest they were hungry of they cried. I knew my child's feed routine. I may have only fed her an hour ago and my sister would say she might be hungry and make her a small bottle up. Then when my second was weeks old, she can't around and he was wearing a fleece sleepsuit. She told me he felt too warm. I didn't agree but I bluddy changed him.

She does seem to be ignoring you and putting it down to you worrying or fussing. It's hard with the highchair thing. I'd always ask and say shall I get her out etc. I never presume. I suppose if your friendship is good in other ways you might need to breathe through it and tell yourself in a few months your DD will be older and less happy to be held etc.

As for the birth. Don't even let those things enter your head. Birth is about getting your child hear alive and well. It's also about mum being ok at the end of it. It doesn't matter if you have an induction, a forceps delivery, c section, epidural etc. It's all what was needed for your baby and YOUR labour. I've had two babies. One induction. I puffed on gas and air and had pethidine with that one. I cried. I asked for an epidural but didn't get one. They are going to help with a suction cup but I pushed her out myself. My second baby I had nothing but gas and air to push him out. He was a quick birth and natural. I had more stitches with him though. Looking back on my two labours they were so different. She doesn't have a clue! I find it infuriating to hear people judging people for their choices in labour. I also feel really disappointed when I hear mums saying they feel guilty about the way the birth went. None of us control these things. Our bodies decide. We are all different. Our babies are all positioned differently. No Two births are the same. So please do not doubt how your baby got here. She's here because you did the right things in her birth at the time. Xx

came to a weird realisation when I had babies, that many people take an almost sadistic pleasure in doing slightly risky things with them in front of a new mother, presumably so they can tut at how highly strung she is

That's never occurred to me before but it's been a bit of a lightbulb moment!!

Example: when DC was about 2 weeks old an elderly relative stumbled standing up, not generally steady on her feet. I was still recovering from a fairly traumatic csection and (unknown) developing a very nasty post op infection where I would be needing correction to the incision... Still in a lot of pain and not able to walk or stand up quickly. Elderly relative says she's going to hold baby. I tell her to make herself comfortable and I'd pass the (born early, low birth weight) baby to her on the sofa next to me. She refused, saying "don't be silly". Grabbed the baby from my arms and stepped back so I couldn't reach her, and promptly tripped over the rug next to an open fire. I almost burst into tears then and there. Someone unsteady on their feet shouldn't be making sudden moves on their own,never mind with a tiny baby while me, the mother, is physically vulnerable and feeling raw still... It's fucking horrible, why would anyone be so cruel???

Oh yes, and I was being an "anxious mother" when aforementioned mother in law refused my suggestion to sit down with baby and stop walking up and down around the rug she's just fucking tripped over.

It's a small thing but still remains the most strange moment where someone chose to do something risky with the baby because....? To make me suffer??

Also just to add. I ditched a friend when my first was 9 months old. She used to let her two year old treat my baby like rubbish. The toddler was innocent but she sat there whilst her child dragged my baby off the playmat and screamed in her face. She stole her bottles and toys away and ran off. She shouted mine at her about everything! I decided she caused me so much stress and I had to be strong in the end and tell her it wasn't working out. The relief I felt knowing the following week I didn't have to go through it anymore x

@tupperwaretimmy

Bloody hell, I would have shouted at her I think. What an idiotic thing for her to do. So dangerous

I wouldn't have an awkward conversation with her, I'd just bum her to be honest.

She's going out of her way to disrespect and undermine you at every opportunity. Who the fuck does she think she is to question your birth choices.

She's no friend op, she's a weirdo!

It's a small thing but still remains the most strange moment where someone chose to do something risky with the baby because....? To make me suffer??

It's like someone said upthread, probably to show off about how confident they are around babies. My sister is constantly trying to hand my baby over to her children willynilly, but they are more sensible than she is and say "no thanks, I don't know how to hold a baby".

No you are not being precious

YANBU at all

Oh god worst typo ever!!!!

*bin!!! I'd bin her

I'd just bum her to be honest.

Bwahahahahaha! priceless

Oh god worst typo ever!!!!

Congratulations @imastickman, it was a corker :)

Like others, I knew you would say she wasn't a mum.

As soon as I got pregnant, every childless woman I knew was suddenly an expert. I got advice on Downs testing, how many kids to have, when to go back to work, how to breastfeed...I think it's an ego thing maybe, for women who are maternal but aren't in the place to have children yet. I realised that a LOT of women have their whole self-image wrapped up in being a mother/being maternal and they can't just sit back and watch others take that role when they haven't done so yet. (I'm not trying to talk shit about women who can't/haven't had children btw, just the ones who are pushy with advice/kids.) I'm just not a maternal person at all, never planned to have kids at all til I suddenly realised I wanted to, so I don't really have this maternal self-image and I don't think I ever gave this kind of advice or pushed myself onto other people's kids so it always baffles me when other women do.

Recently a woman said to me that her colleague had had a baby recently and was back at work, and that when the colleague came back, this woman said "I can relate to you, because my niece is the same age as your baby, so we're kind of going through the same thing" and she thought they would end up being friends. "I don't know why, but she has been really cold with me and not interested in talking about my niece".

Yeah, I wonder why?!?!?

She doesn't even live near her niece, they live at least three hours apart!

Anyway, meant to add, YANBU at all. Dangling your baby upside down when she's just eaten? Nah.

Nothing worse than some one who has never had children thinking they know what is best. The defacating thing - she is delusional - I did it with all 4 of mine, its rarer not to if you think about the space babies need in order to escape! Her comment about forceps is horrible - no one chooses them - I was lucky that I only needed them once with my son but there was nothing enjoyable about the experience as he was stuck and in distress!

I'd reduce your contact, and if you do see her please be firmer. You're the mum, you're in charge and if she wants to fling a baby around and do whatever she wants to do then she can go and have one of her own.....