Friend being too full on with baby

[Ohlookitsbackfatbetty]

So I'm a first time mum so please don't be too harsh if I'm being precious!

I have a good friend I see probably once or twice a fortnight. She currently works as a healthcare in maternity recovery (I think basically helping mums who have had c sections etc when they come out of theatre). Because of this she comes across as being very knowing of babies etc but I find her a bit too over confident with my daughter and I'm not sure how to deal with that? Maybe I'm being a worrier!

When I first had dd she would come over and give me a lot of advice (some which completely contradicted what my midwife said), she was a bit over bearing but I bit my tongue as I know she means well. She also used to pick dd up when she was sleeping etc so I had to ask her not to. Now dd is 8 months old and is happy sitting on the floor playing with her toys or whatever, but my friend will always come straight in and pick her up. I find that annoying but I could ignore it however I find my friend to be a bit over confident when she is holding dd too. She's been over for tea tonight and these are my examples so please tell me if I'm being an ott mother !

• dd was sat playing in her highchair with her food (we do baby led weaning basically dd throws food around and maybe some of it makes it to her mouth!). Friend was sat at the table next to dd and I got up to make us both a drink, when I turned round friend had got dd out of her highchair saying she had finished her tea and was making a mess so no more tea for her ? She definitely hadn't and I wanted her to try and have a bit more, mess is part of the course for babies eating! I didn't say anything at that point because it was already done so what was the point!

• later we were sitting and dd was on friends knee (dd had been crawling round the floor but friend picked her up) she then started tipping her upside down to make her laugh. I said oo don't do that she's just had tea so she will be sick. Friend said 'don't worry she won't' and kept doing it ? I feel like if I ask her not to do something with my child she shouldn't? I was so worried she'd drop her on her head because she really didn't seem to be holding her very well and dd is like a wriggly worm! I took her back at that point pretending she needed a bum change.

• dd was then sat right on the edge of friends knee holding friends fingers for support. I said please be careful as dd has a habit of launching herself off of people, friend laughed and said 'ohhh mummy is being silly I've got you!'. Two minutes later dd launched herself off friend and luckily my friend managed to sort of twist so she landed on the sofa. She could have easily have landed flat on her face on the floor though. At this point I picked up dd and held onto her for the rest of the visit.

I feel like I'm letting things annoy me more than they should as she has made a few comments about dd birth and how she wouldn't do things we chose (epidural, forceps etc). I feel a lot of guilt about dd birth (wrongly I know!) and her comments don't help. I know I'm going to have to have an awkward conversation with my friend. She just thinks she knows best because of her job but I'm with dd all the time and I'm her mum! Am I being completely precious? Dd is teething atm so I'm getting very little sleep and I just feel out of my mind 🤦🏻‍♀️

@ColaFreezePop yeah that's what I was saying to pregnant friend. I said I didn't even notice at the time as I was a bit busy! We were with a group of childless friends though and my friend made it seem like this was a rarity! I was under the impression it's very common!

She sounds like a bit of a bunny boiler tbh.

I'd be getting rid of her. The comments about pooing in labour being rare is such bollocks, and even if it wasn't, no friend would ever want you to feel embarrassed about it.

Strange woman.

Your instinct is right and it’s hard to see what she thinks she has to gain by trying to tell you how to parent, ignoring what you say and undermining/overruling you.

Work on your death stare and mum tone. I couldn’t give a shit if anyone thinks I’m being precious. I’ve got a friend who’s otherwise lovely but weird with babies and kids. We saw them the other day and she came over, kissed me on the cheek and blew in DD’s face. Which she doesn’t like because who would. I stepped back, looked her in the eye she said “no, she doesn’t like that”. Babies are people, not fucking dolls for people to have a go with. My stepmum was over earlier and is okay with DD but loves cuddles and doesn’t love putting DD down so when I could see her struggling and stepmum holding her tighter I said “she wants to crawl now so pop her down and she might want another cuddle later”. And those are tiny things. I’d be fuming if someone yanked her out of her high chair or pissed about turning her upside down when she’d just eaten and I’d say so. People may mean kindly (your friend doesn’t, she’s being a cow) but my priority is my baby and anyone who doesn’t respect her safety and comfort doesn’t “get a turn”.

I think she's very keen to be seen as in the know about these things, whenever pregnant friend asked me anything she answered.

Thinking tonight I'm going to take a step back but make sure I am more assertive when I do see her. I've tried tip toeing around and it hasn't worked, my daughter means the world to me and I need to speak for her (and myself!)

No-one gives a shit whether you defecate or not during labour and your friend , who is a shit, should know that from her job.

She's some kind of healthcare assistant, not an actual healthcare professional.

And having just read her comments on childbirth and defecating, and drips etc I’d be quickly zoning her out of my life ... I couldn’t be doing with all that nonsense at a time when I’m supposed to be enjoying my baby. What a terrible comment to make regarding defacating whilst giving birth, how dare she? Not only was it insensitive but frankly, untrue!!! Everyone I know did so while giving birth too!

Get rid OP!!!

Is your friend 10 or something? The thing that scared me the most was the fact your baby nearly launched herself off your friends lap. And I would not let her babysit until your lo is about 8! I'm surprised your friend hasn't been reported for saying stupid things to poor new mammies who have just given birth. Women can have all the birth plans in the world but babies have their own agenda. And as long as the mother and baby are safe and healthy who cares how baby was birthed.

She sounds like an absolute dick.

What does she know about labour or mothering a child? Nowt.

I couldn't be friends with someone like this.

Hope you manage to sleep better tonight now you know this crap talking woman is a massive idiot. Do not feel bad for one second zoning this woman out. Your baby, your rules.

It does worry me she wants to be a midwife. Especially because she's never had a baby but has all these opinions she's happy to voice. She also once made a pretty shocking comment about smoking in pregnancy that floored me. I only hope she wouldn't get onto the course.

"Friend, you are being overbearing. I have all the baby advice I need from the midwife & HV assigned to us. You are not here in a professional capacity, so please just chill out & let me make the decisions I consider best for my baby."

"Friend, you're not at work now & even if you were, you'd find that my midwife & HV disagree with you, so I will do as they suggest, & you can stop contradicting me."

when I turned round friend had got dd out of her highchair saying she had finished her tea and was making a mess so no more tea for her ?
"Not your baby, not your decision, you clearly do not understand the principles of baby led weaning that I have agreed with midwife & HV, & I need you to stop trying to take charge right now."

@Buggedandconfused I feel oddly a bit sad and relieved. Before pregnancy and baby she was a great friend. We have known each other for 10 years, so it's sad to think I'm now having to bring that to a close. I guess friends can outgrow each other and I'm better off stepping back before we have a real issue.

The thing is I know she means well

Most over-used phrase about intrusive fuckwits with no boundaries or respect, ever.

@messolini9
Completely agree and anyway I don't think she does. She just wants to further her own agenda. You and your DD are just props for her ego-boost.

You are a nice person so you are bound to feel a bit sad, but maternal instincts are key. You will gravitate now towards friends who you and your baby feel comfortable and safe around.

If it’s too much to completely cut her off, arrange to meet in a cafe sometimes, so you can leave to go to something else after a set time - and keep DD on your lap.

This time with your DD is so precious, make the most of every second - without people who make it uncomfortable or unpleasant.

You and your DD are just props for her ego-boost.

Yup. Papaya.
OP - note how she actively seeks to correct you on every point. The defacation, for instance - everyone knows she's wrong, she only said it to contradict & undermine you.

Next time, tell her flat out that she's wrong, that your midwife knows more than she does & is your go-to person for advice, that she's NOT to pick your baby up without asking you first ... etc ...
... & the moment she ignores you AGAIN, fuck her off.
"Time to go now, it's too stressful having to watch you to make sure you don't do something stupid again, I have a baby to look after - BYE."

You deserve a medal for getting to eight months without telling her to get lost.

I know I'm probably making excuses for her when I say she means well. She has been a good friend for many years so it's hard to suddenly see such a change in the dynamic. It's like I got pregnant and she became a different person! Although I'm sure I have also changed!

Good idea about meeting at cafes etc. I think I'm going to limit our time together, be more assertive with my parenting and my decision making (as in I will be more blunt with my approach) and see if things improve. If not I can say I've tried but things haven't worked out.

@willothewispa you're not the first to say that 🤦🏻‍♀️ At one point my dh wouldn't have her in the house. She didn't meet dd till she was 5 weeks old because dh was furious over something she had said to me. He's a good egg and he definitely stands up to her more than me! :-)

I remember when DS was first born my SIL was desperate to let 6 year old niece (her daughter) hold him. I refused. D niece was just too clumsy. SIL was super pissed off, but you have to go with your instincts. Once you're a parent I find you give less of a fuck about pissing people off.

Some of that stuff is dangerous - you a hold a baby you don't let them hold on to your fingers on the edge of your knee.

Some of it is over stepping her boundaries, she doesn't get to decide when your daughter is done with her tea.. you do.

My husband's cousin is a midwife with no children of her own and some of the stuff she says and does drives me mad. She once came visiting uninvited when our first was a few months old. Our wooden door was open, screen door locked. I was breastfeeding my daughter (which was something I struggled to establish with my DD) I called out "you will just need to wait a minute, I am feeding DD" In response she stood at my door making 'mooo' noises. I was really quite upset about it and that was basically the beginning of the end for our friendship.

You would think that people who work with babies and Mum's should know what they are doing but that isn't always the case. Time to tell her that while you appreciate the fact she wants to help you will ask should you want her help but until then you are your babies Mum and what you say goes with her.

don't give this woman any more head room. or house room.
put your loved ones first, your husbands insight, and your daughter's needs. they are the important ones. its good your husband was being protective of you, and standing up for you. do not undermine his good insight and intentions.
now you need to stand up for your daughter.
you don't need to justify it. just do it.

Friends can definitely outgrow one another - friends are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Maybe her season in your life is over.

I certainly would not want anything to do with her after her absolutely bell end comments about your birth and to your friend.

IF you do decide to keep her, don't be afraid of being blunt. Certainly don't give her wiggle room by moderating anything you say with "but she is my first child and it’s making me really anxious and upset" - what a way to walk right into her showing off that she's the "expert" and you'e the silly first time overly worrying mum. NO. Nothing you've said comes across that ups being over the top.

"Leave her, she hasn't finished."

"Don't pick her up."

"Yeah well, my child my rules."

"Hold her more securely, thanks."

"My child, my rules."

"Thanks but I don't want advice."

"I said I don't want advice. My child, my rules."

"Actually I find it breathtakingly rude when you give me your opinion on MY birth/parenting style. When you have a child, you do it your way. This is my way - MY baby, MY choice."

Allow her to feel upset.

People who refuse to take no for an answer are not safe for baby to be around.

Seriously, Betty, no one has a right to just walk in and pick another person up, will ye nil ye.
Your friend is playing dominance games with you and your baby and in doing so is putting your baby in danger of injury.

People are always perfect parents until they have children...