DD says she hates me

[Alte]

My DD recently turned 15. For the last 3-4 years she’s been saying she hates me and asking why I can’t be like her friends parents (same with DH). Her 12yo sister started saying it recently as well. The only reasons we can get out of them are that we’re too posh, too strict and too old. We’re in our late 40s, and we’re not really posh but compared to their friends we would be. I wouldn’t say we’re strict, we just don’t allow piercings etc and we push them to do well in school. DD1 told us this morning that we gave her anxiety and depression by putting too much pressure on her, but we just want her to do well in school. AIBU to wonder what I’ve done wrong? And does anyone know what I can do?

Your reasons given for your daughter "hating" you are open for interpretation. What do you mean by "push them" to do well in school? Do you harangue or support them? What kind of piercings? Even getting her ears pierced once?

Is it possible that you do put too much pressure on her? Is she allowed any autonomy at all?

Why are they not allowed piercings? I think at their age they should be allowed to choose if they want a piercing (within reason!)

And it's ok to "push" your child educationally to a certain extent but at 15 I'd be more inclined to trust them to do their best without being pushed if they're doing well anyway. Maybe sit them down for a mature conversation and come up with some compromises

Parenting is hard!

Best advice I can give is to reply 'I'm sorry you feel that way', when she tells you that she hates you and never, ever, take her attitude personally.
Some will suggest that it's 'hormones', or 'she's just asserting herself'. I'd disagree and say that she's deliberately pushing the boundaries because that's what she's seeing at the micro level with her peer group and at the macro level in society at large.
You are doing the right thing OP. Don't waver, don't doubt yourself and don't give in. Tell her that once she's an adult, earning her own money, living an adult, responsible life then she can make her own decisions about piercings, studying, who she loves and who she hates. But meanwhile, as she's under your roof, she'll abide by your rules. Non negotiable.

its always a good idea to listen to your children. The too old and too posh you cannot really change.
DD1 seems most concerned about the pressure she feels from you to do well in school? What sort of expectations do you enforce? And how does it affect other rules like screen time, going out with friends? Etc?

@pallasathena

"Don't waver, don't doubt yourself and don't give in"

Even if you are damaging your child's mental health?

It's important to listen to our teens. They should have some independence and be allowed to be involved in some decision making.

Unfortunately I have known a few parents like you, it's always goes this way.

You cannot do anything about being too old, I'm sure most teenagers feel their parents are old even if we don't feel we are
Probably not much you can do about being too posh either, but from the brief description you've given you do sound too strict.
No ear piercings at 15? Why? The sound way ott, if your that strict over something so minor I can only imagine how strict you are about the major things.
You say you push them to do well in school dd is telling you you put too much pressure on her, listen to her, she is trying to tell you something important about the way you make her feel.
Dds friend is pushed by her parents, the girl is under so much pressure she is barely coping her parents are oblivious to her suffering because like you they think they are doing what's best for her, reality is they really aren't. She resents them and sneaks around behind their back getting up to all sort of bad things because her life at home is so oppressive.
Take a step back at look critically at the rules you entire before it's too late.

I remember my sister and I saying the same when we were teens, we now have the most amazing relationship with our mom and look back and laugh. The teen years are hard, lots of hormones and trying to impress friends paired with the stress of achieving at school, try to see it from their point of view and pick your battles. Don't let her disrespect you but try and meet in the middle to some respect, piercings aren't permanent and can be removed

My dc still in primary but surely this is par for the course with a 15yo?

Oh yeah I would have been mad at 15 if I weren’t allowed piercings! I still love mine another 15 years later :-)

Agree Ponoka
I gradually relax rules and boundaries with teens and give them more decision making power. Otherwise they are cut adrift and clueless the day they turn 18 and all of a sudden are expected to make decisions as an “adult.”

You are doing the right thing OP. Don't waver, don't doubt yourself and don't give in. Tell her that once she's an adult, earning her own money, living an adult, responsible life then she can make her own decisions about piercings, studying, who she loves and who she hates. But meanwhile, as she's under your roof, she'll abide by your rules. Non negotiable.

If you want to foster a lifetime of resentment and have a horrible relationship with your daughter, by all means, follow this advice. Of course some rules are needed, but that does not mean you should be a tyrant.

My dc still in primary but surely this is par for the course with a 15yo?

Not in my experience

What piercings are we talking? Earlobes? Nipples? Septum?

What does wanting her to do well in school look like? If she gets a B for effort or a B for achievement on her report, how do you respond to that?

Have you observed anything in your DD1 that is consistent with anxiety/depression?

Is she supported with her anxiety and depression? Do you feel robust enough to sit and have an honest chat about the pressure that she feels under? Because that might be helpful for both of you but only if you can let go of your defences for the duration of the conversation.

I agree with the others. You can't do anything about being too old or too posh however I think it is a bit OTT not allowing a 15 year old to have their ears pierced.

I was allowed mine done at 13 when I was old enough to decide myself and understand properly.

Do you push them too hard at school? I've known a few parents that do and it's far too stressful for the children.

Communication is the key. What exactly do the DC feel is the problem? If they want pierced ears, surely you don't object to that? Noses might be a different matter. Don't push too hard over studying, homework etc. It's never too late to educate - if they fail exams, they can always go back and do them again later.

Don't waver, don't doubt yourself and don't give in.

This is awful advice. We all make mistakes and all have to realise that sometimes we aren't doing things the right way. Not wavering or compromising on somethings will cause resentment and bigger problems long term.

My dc still in primary but surely this is par for the course with a 15yo?

Not in my experience, either. Not ever.

Tell her that once she's an adult, earning her own money, living an adult, responsible life then she can make her own decisions about piercings, studying, who she loves and who she hates. But meanwhile, as she's under your roof, she'll abide by your rules. Non negotiable.

My own parents, and the parents of some of my friends, took this line. Without exception, all of their children moved at least 200 miles away aged 18 and never came back.

A good response to the 'I hate you' phase (which is what it is) is to respond calmly with something like 'Oh what a pity, that must feel horrible but I love you just the same as ever so we'll get through this. On repeat. And ' Don't worry, I have enough love for the both of us.' On repeat.

My DD was literally a nightmare at 15/16. Screaming I hate you, punching walls, self harming, running away. She is very sorry now for the way she behaved and has tried to make up for it ever since. Her generous loving nature finds many small ways to show me how much she loves and values me (best Mum ever fridge magnets, special Spa days etc) and recently organised a big family bash to celebrate a special birthday of mine.

So look to the future and don't blame yourself - I'm sure you're doing everything you can though all you can really do is just hold the family ship fast and weather this storm.

Well, teenagers DO often go through a stage of acting like this: blaming parents for everything; 'I hate you' outbursts; 'but everyone else is allowed to do it', etc. And your age is not your choice; nor is your alleged 'poshness' (unless she means that you forbid her see people or engage in activities that are too 'lower-class'). Strict? Well, it depends on what she means by strict, and what you mean by pushing her to do well at school. Encouraging her to read, etc. is not unreasonable. Insisting that she follow basc school rules like doing set homework is not unreasonable. However refusing to allow her to do anything other than schoolwork, or exploding with anger if she gets a mark less than an A, would be unreasonable and possibly damaging. It is also possible that she is having particular difficulties with a specific school topic, due to a specific learning difficulty, poor earlier teaching, earlier illness and absence, or any other reason; and that in teenager style, she is blaming you. In that case, it would be a good idea to find out what the actual problem is.

My DD was literally a nightmare at 15/16. Screaming I hate you, punching walls, self harming, running away. She is very sorry now for the way she behaved and has tried to make up for it ever since.

Punching walls, self harming and running away are signs of serious distress; I'm not sure why she should be very sorry for having been so unhappy.

Trust them to be sensible, and allow them to do some of the things their friends are.

Sorry OP but I think you’re being a bit strict. Why can’t they have piercings? My parents were relaxed about things like that/my personal style and as such I felt I had freedom, and never really rebelled (apart from drinking in parks when I was supposed to be at a sleepover, but that’s standard teen behaviour 😂). I never felt the urge to rebel. My friends who had strict/controlling parents ended up going off the rails, having sex really young, smoking purely to be defiant, not applying themselves in school and avoiding parents and moved away ASAP. They felt suffocated and not listeners to and they acted out. They still aren’t close to their parents. You’re probably having the opposite affect of what you’re trying to achieve

My dd got her ears pierced for her 13th birthday. She was overjoyed. There is nothing wrong with a teenager having their ears pierced.

What else don't you allow?

What subjects is the 15 year-old studying for GCSE - ones she chose because she enjoys them, ones she is good at and reasonably likes, or ones you made her do even though she didn't want to?

You can't go on like this, you are building up a powder keg of resentment with both of them.