DD says she hates me

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My DD recently turned 15. For the last 3-4 years she’s been saying she hates me and asking why I can’t be like her friends parents (same with DH). Her 12yo sister started saying it recently as well. The only reasons we can get out of them are that we’re too posh, too strict and too old. We’re in our late 40s, and we’re not really posh but compared to their friends we would be. I wouldn’t say we’re strict, we just don’t allow piercings etc and we push them to do well in school. DD1 told us this morning that we gave her anxiety and depression by putting too much pressure on her, but we just want her to do well in school. AIBU to wonder what I’ve done wrong? And does anyone know what I can do?

I’m not there yet as DD is only nine but I was a youth worker with the 12 - 21 bracket for a while. I think it’s like when they’re toddlers and you have to go through the this or that stage with them so they start to feel they’re being heard and can make a choice. Once you it the teens you have to start listening. My parents had strict boundaries and big expectations but they did relax these around our interests and identities so that the boundaries and expectations were framed around who we were, we’d talk about things we wanted/wanted to do and they would explain their reasons and fears. They don’t hate you, they are struggling to articulate their own frustrations and their disappointment is coming out in a simple phrase that seems to articulate it.

I think we all hate our parents at some point. 15 is a bit too late to push. It's all written in the stars and you can only do so much. I think it's nice that you set the boundaries Piercing is OK. After all, all the girls have long hair and ear piercing. I wouldn't mind as long as it's not a ring through the nostrils.

Teenagers do often hate their parents at various points.

You can’t do much about being too old (glad I had kids young, my dds love that about me 😂). You do however sound far too strict. Are you pushy or supportive of their education? My dd1 is very tough on herself, I counter this by being easy going and reinforcing that I want her to do well as that’s what she wants, but I’m happy if she’s happy, and I’ll support her in any way I can. Anything different would be far too much pressure for her.

Also at their age they should be able to choose the style they like and express themselves. I see absolutely no harm in allowing pierced ears. My own mother refused to let me pierce mine until I was 11. I felt out cast for it as all my friends were allowed aged 6-8. It seems silly now, but these things really matter to kids. I allowed my own dds to have theirs done when they started asking for it consistently, one was 6 and the other 7. They haven’t turned into thugs because of it.

I give my dds a fair bit of freedom, I do have standards, but I’m quite laid back and we have a mutual respect that I think would be ruined if I was very strict. Both dds are well behaved at school and achieving well, so I’m happy my approach is the right one. I’d hate it if my dds really resented me for the way I parent, maybe you need to relax a little and just let them be who they are.

Please listen to her with the anxiety cause thats something that will follow her threw life . I have terrible time with mine now and its getting worse and its mainly threw my mom and way she behaved .

Why can't she have her ears pierced?
What does she mean when you say you're too strict?
How do you "encourage" her to do well in school?

What kinds of freedoms does she have?

No piercings at all or do you mean stuff like tongue and nose? Considering most primary school girls have a hole in each ear I can see why they are that as too strict.
You can't do anything about your age or poshness but pushing them to do well is hard to comment on as we don't know you. My dd is 16 and one of the girls in her group has a tiger mum who pushes her to do well and from my DD's point of view, it borders on abusive as its done in a way that affects her friend's self esteem. This mum is strict, no idea if she has any piercings but as a result of her strictness her dd is less independent and confident than the rest of the group. For example she's not allowed to cook or have a snack without permission where as if the other girls have a sleepover they do stuff like cook some nachos or popcorn on the hob.
Saying that maybe you know to be careful and pushing her to do well means a gentle suggestion to put her phone on do not disturb and get her homework done.

When Dd was 15 I was mid 50s. Her friends wanted me as their mum because I was really quite chill about things.

It did mean I could be strict on certain things

You have to chose your battles.

The people I have known growing up who had parents who wanted the best for their children and pushed them didn’t get the results they wanted

Why don’t you allow piercings?

Yes also agree about the piercings, especially if it's just ear piercings. I have yet to meet a woman who's regretted getting their ears pierced? What's the fear you have about allowing her to get that done OP?

Has the op said she wouldn't allow ear piercings? I can understand her not wanting her daughter to have other piercings but most have their ears pierced at her age. I had mine done for my 14th birthday - am now 70. Earrings for pierced ears are much prettier than clip ons.

You're not too old or too posh, she is just comparing you to other adults she knows and likes but you and her dad are her parents and I'm sure she knows you love her.

Many teenagers are a nightmare at that age, rows are common. The right words to express feelings cannot be found.

Don't push the schoolwork - the school will tell you if they have concerns. Just try and relax about that or she'll only dig her heels in.

@Tableclothing She is sorry for the way she behaved. She clearly (to me) wasn't happy, but that's my opinion not hers. She views it differently and says she'd just had enough of conforming and wasn't prepared to squash herself into a shape that didn't feel right for her. Classic teenage rebellion.

She's a delightful girl now in her thirties and says she had the best childhood she could ever wish for, with the best parents in the world.

Do they have hobbies / interests outside the home ??

Make it totally, abundantly clear to them that you love them. I am a fairly relaxed parent (ear piercings are fine in this house!) also have your room how you want it - just hoover it out and change the sheets once in a while. But I have had to make the effort to keep communicating and listening.

What are you going to do when she's 16 and doesn't need your permission to be pierced?

Honestly I don’t get the panic about ear / nose piercings. Surely if she wants one she’s going to get one anyway - far better if you’re around and trusted when she does so you can guide her to a reputable tatooist / piercing salon. Also, there is a bit of racism associated with piercings too — the parents of my white friends would overlook my ear and nose piercings (and my grandmother’s knuckle tattoos) but then tell them they couldn’t have it done as it was ‘cheap’. I grew up thinking my cultural heritage was unequal and my friends grew up thinking their parents hated them - 30 years later all of them have the piercings / tattoos they want and none of them are talking to their parents. Do you want that?

Interesting one.

I also wasn't allowed to pierce my ears, let alone anything else at that age. I wasn't at all a rebel, and the easiest teenager parents could wish for (and they still made out I was a nightmare). When I was 17 I decided I would go and get my ears pierced and not tell my parents and see if they noticed. They did within a few days, and barely raised an eyebrow, for me it felt rebellious, they probably knew I would do it any way.
My parents also pushed me really really hard at school, and looking back it was probably the most stressful time I had in my life thinking about my grades at school to go to university. But now I have a great job, I worked hard and I've done well at work. I can see why people may look at it the other way, but it sure does teach you resilience that will last you a life time, I am well aware many will disagree.

Just wait another 5 years or so until they emerge out the other side's. You're doing fine, this is just what teenagers are like.

The other thing I would add is that they pushed me to do well at school, but were completely trusting for me to go out with friends in my own time and never know where, like way way way more relaxed than most parents would ever be. They were very trusting and I didn't ever take it for granted or push boundaries as a result.

Please don't think of it as what you've done wrong. Your DD has mental health concerns and the saying she hates you might be just coming from that. Instead of 'where did I go wrong?' which my mum said to me and just made me feel like a disappointment on a fuck up, you couldfocus on trying to get her any help or anything that might make her feel better. Try not to think of any of this as your fault necessarily, MH problems happen to 1 in 4 people, more so if they have a family history, and teenagers often suffer or at least have moods.

Call her bluff maybe- tell her if sher has depression and anxiety you'll have to make her a doctor's appointment.

Your DDs will find a way of getting what they want. My parents were against piercings too so I got them places they couldn't see. Same with tattoos.
When I felt they were pressuring me too much, I just skived school to have a break.
If you push too hard, they'll find a way to push back

I think I’m one of those cool parents that your dd wants you to be like 😬.

My dd is also 15, I’m pretty laid back in my parenting, she doesn’t have piercings as she doesn’t want them but I would allow her too if she wanted them. She invites her friends over and I supply pizza and let them use my living room. I don’t push her too hard (though she’s doing great academically) but I do try and guide her, she does home work when she wants to do it, sometimes last minute, she spends a lot of time glued to tech, I try and guide her away from it. She goes to bed when she likes, eats what she likes and buys what she likes. Maybe I’m too relaxed but she’s turned into an amazing young woman, is predicted level 9’s in he GCSE’s and has never been in any trouble.

To be honest if my teenage DD told me that my pressure was giving her anxiety and depression I would take that very seriously. If she's actually struggling with mental health issues then she needs to be seen as soon as possible so that she can be supported through it. It sounds like you two need a frank and kind (at least on your part) chat to work out how to navigate this together. Have you spoken to the school? They might be able to point you in the right direction for resources. Good luck

FWIW I think most teens go through the ‘I hate you’ stage. That in itself isn’t unusual or particularly worrying. What is worrying is that your DD is telling you she feels under too much pressure with her school work. I can fully understand why you want her to do well, as parents we all want our DC to do well but maybe you should consider whether you might be putting too much pressure on her. Unless she’s lazy and doesn’t do anything I would consider backing off a bit and letting her find her own level. If she wants to do well she will, and if she doesn’t it’ll be her who suffers the consequences. She is 15, so only 3 years away from being a legal adult. If you shield her from the consequences of her actions she’ll be in for a hell of a shock when she’s older. She has to learn how to manage herself and her time, and 15 is plenty old enough for that.

I think you would be well advised to have a serious think about where your red lines are. Things like piercings for example wouldn’t be a red line for me. After all, a piercing is not something that cannot be gone back on if she doesn’t like it. My DS had an ear pierced, then a few months later he decided he didn’t want it after all. It cost me a few quid to get it done but not a huge amount, so I’m not too bothered that he’s changed his mind. It’ll just heal up again, in fact it probably already has.

Can you sit down and talk to your DD about what it is she specifically wants? Both lay your cards on the table and try to come to some sort of satisfactory compromise that you both can live with. In my experience DC will always push for more than they are willing to settle for, and if your DD sees you give a little she will too. It’ll make her feel more in control of her own life and it’ll help create a bond of trust, in that you’ll both feel listened to and in control of what you agree on.

I think you would be unwise to just say no to everything. It’s the quickest way to rebellion in my experience. My parents were quite restrictive in some ways but I just did what I liked anyway, and I took more stupid risks doing it because I never had any guidance and I did it in secret.

If someone says they're having mental health problems it should be taken seriously b their loved ones, even in teenagers. A professional could assess her and say what help she needs, if any.

I was pushed aademically but with no emotional support, I didn't feel I could discuss any problems I was having with my parents. I was under CAMHS briefly at 15 until I stopped going because the consultant who was supposed to be supporting me stopped being supportive.

I got a 1st from Birmingham eventually, though I had to drop in and out a few times with largely untreated mental health problems. I've never really been able to work due to severe mental health disability.

What would've helped was warmth at home and school. If my parents had tried to get my MH problems treated as early as possible (they could even have pushed for it at 16/17. when I dropped out of college before going in again, and sent a year not doing anything because I didn't have the confidence to work.

I kept telling them/hinting at having depression or anxiety/stress, but they would ignore, laugh at it or be in denial, or make me feel bad.

The earlier it's treated the less likely it is to effect someone in later life. This is a chance to nip it in the bud- please take it.

I've had a great relationship with my mum since she split up with my dad when I was about 17 btw. She was able to show the warm, caring person she is, which she didn't when she was with him.

Either way- best wishes and try not to blame yourself. Lots of people are prone to MH problems, whatever their parents do. All you can do is do the best you can for her now, and be proud of yourself for that. xxx

I understand your viewpoint OP, however, there is a line between pushing and supporting. Perhaps you should just try encouraging her to do her best rather than pushing.
Pushing someone to do something will only build up resentment.
With the piercing, perhaps you could compromise by allowing her to have her ears pierced, but only to wear small stud type earrings?
At her age, she is going to be rebellious, most teen girls are at that age.
We all turned 'Kevin' when we became teenagers. I did, my daughters did. We didn't actually hate our parents, we hated the authority of our parents, just the same as we hated teachers etc.

I was just like your DD at 15. My parents pushed me hard educationally, which I didn't appreciate at the time but certainly do now. I also used to tell them I hated them constantly. Feel a bit bad about that now

Lots of people these days seem too preoccupied with being a 'friend' to their children instead of acting like a parent and putting boundaries in place.