DD says she hates me

[Alte]

My DD recently turned 15. For the last 3-4 years she’s been saying she hates me and asking why I can’t be like her friends parents (same with DH). Her 12yo sister started saying it recently as well. The only reasons we can get out of them are that we’re too posh, too strict and too old. We’re in our late 40s, and we’re not really posh but compared to their friends we would be. I wouldn’t say we’re strict, we just don’t allow piercings etc and we push them to do well in school. DD1 told us this morning that we gave her anxiety and depression by putting too much pressure on her, but we just want her to do well in school. AIBU to wonder what I’ve done wrong? And does anyone know what I can do?

You do sound a bit strict not allowing a 15 year old to get piercings. I had 7 earrings and a belly button ring by that age, what effect do you think it's going to have on their lives? It made no difference to my schoolwork.

I never went through a stage of hating my mum, I always got on well with her and she's my best friend as an adult.

It really depends on how strict is strict. As a pp said when you say dont allow piercings do you mean none at all, not even earrings or that you wont let her get extra piercings? With the school thing, is it that you make them do their homework or is it that you push them to study all the time?

it would be helpful op if you could respond to some of the questions, we can only surmise otherwise.

@Lovemusic33

Your parenting and nine sound very similar. Dd1 is also 15 and doing super well academically, she’s a really good kid.

Dd2 11 is also doing great and though not quite as naturally academic as her sister, she’s working hard and achieving well.

I think we have the right idea. Being too strict makes teens rebel and resent their parents. I’d take my easy going approach any day.

They're probably going through a grass is greener phase. Posh is not cool, being older is not cool.

You've only posted once without much detail so it's impossible to say whether you are pushing them too hard or not. If it was just the schoolwork that would be more credible than attacking your background and your ages. As long as you know you are fair, hold your ground, keep doing what you think is right, and when they're out of the rebellious phase (and the younger following the elder) they may thank you for wanting the best for them.

I think at 15 though you could at least allow her to get her ears pierced. Be a bit careful about being too strict on that stuff, or when she turns 18 she may go out and come back home with the beginnings of a full sleeve tattoo

If you handle this correctly it will be a passing phase. My DS hated the sight of me at 15. He is 20 now and yesterday lunchtime he was driving past my house during his lunch time and popped in with a pie and cake for me, made a me a brew and had a natter! So there is light at the end of the tunnel!
My advice, for what it's worth is that sometimes you do have to zone out. There's no pint trying t justify yourself when she is non top notch rant. Pick your moment to talk and get to the botto of what is really bothering her. Find out if there are things that you can compromise on.
I really disagree with the 'my house my rules' philosophy some people have. Handle with care and hopefully things will get easier.

I think your far to strict, my ex inlaws were the same with there two kids, pushed them too hard,no piercings, no chocolate, no sweet drinks.
Once they turned 18 they rebelled, the daughters 21 now and is on her 14th tattoo and I've lost count of how many piercings she has. The son moved out a week after his 18th birthday to the other end of the country.

Wow there is some stuff being advised here isnt there! All teenagers are different and some will say they hate you if you dont give in to their wishes. It is all too easy to bame the parent. I have had 4 all brought up the same. Only one did the I hate you routine. Yes of course we want to listen to our children and let them develop independence. Saying I hate you is not really the best way to get what you want. Parenting is not the breeze some of the posters imply. None of us are perfect. I would definitely do a lot of things differently now so I will not tell you what to do, that you are doing it wrong or any thing else. MN is a strange place sometimes and not always in a good way

My parents were pretty relaxed parenting me and my brother too. We were allowed to do what we wanted most of the time. I had friends with strict parents and they used to enjoy coming to our house and being allowed to do what they wanted 🤣. I still have a great relationship with my parents and can talk to them about anything.

It's a difficult age and parenting teens is often pretty hard going.

As other posters have said taking a hard line on ear piercings seems quite unnecessary and is probably counter productive as they will get them eventually anyhow. You may not personally like them but it's not your body and they are very mainstream now. I would tell your dd you respect her decision and support her to get the piercings.

The anxiety over academic pressure needs to be taken seriously and I think you need to ask her to tell you exactly how this is affecting her. Mental health is more important than exam results so seek information and support with this one.

Teens still need boundaries but the boundaries need to keep being renegotiated as they gain in life experience. It's hard to progressively step back from controlling the life of your teens but it's what you need to do, if not they will potentially be all at sea at age 18 as having loads of new responsibilities all at once puts them in a vulnerable situation.

But meanwhile, as she's under your roof, she'll abide by your rules.

My mother was like this when l was 26. l'd just joined the police and was saving up for a place of my own. My (then) boyfriend (who l eventually married) and l decided to go away for a week camping in the lakes for a week as we didn't have much money.
My mother didn't speak to me for a month. Apparently because l 'shamed' her by going away with a boyfriend, and 'everyone will know what's gone on'.
l was 26. Not 16.
As PP have said, this backfired massively. She used to say "you don't tell me anything" but when l had, she'd throw it back in my face.
She was still trying to control me when l was in my early 50s. For the first time in my life l kicked back and moved 100 miles away.
Yes, teenagers saying they 'hate' you isn't unusual. But if she's feeling pressured and depressed, there's a problem. And your job as a parent is to find out what.

It depends on what you mean by piercings (no earring bit unreasonable, no belly button or multiple piercings not unreasonable). To be honest if I saw a 15 year old with multiple piercings I’d equate that with them being rough. As the girls like that at my school were rough! I would wonder what her friends parents are like ie lots of times teenagers love the ‘cool’ parents who let their kids drink/smoke/stay up all hours/watch horror films etc. I don’t think that’s good parenting. You’re job is to be a parent not a friend. My parents were strict growing up - very strict!! But all of us (5 siblings) are very successful, happy, in great marriages/relationships and super close to our parents so I wouldn’t let the other posters about the moving away scaremonger you!

So if you don’t allow belly button piercings, say they need to get a decent night sleep, regulate going out, encourage homework and study I think you’re doing great and they’ll thank you down there life. What some of the other posters suggested (ie Well I love you and will no matter what) are important and a good response.

Please listen to her. My parents pushed me to do well at school, which I did, but it gave me crippling anxiety. As a result I now have a low-paid low-skill job, despite getting a first class degree from a good uni, because I was, and still am, terrified of failing or doing anything wrong. I can't handle much stress at all so I'll struggle to get a better paid job. While I don't blame them for my anxiety, I do wonder if they'd put less pressure on me to be academic if I'd have developed some more valuable skills. I desperately wanted to take dance for GCSE but my parents refused because it wasn't an academic subject, I was gutted and resentful. It's normal to want your kids to do well at school but don't put academia above everything else, especially their mental health.

You have to pick your battles. My rule is no wandering about in the dark on her own. I don't care about piercings. I let her get on with her school work and have said my only concern about bad marks would be maybe that she needed extra help or support. I think the pure fear of a potential tutor or me supervising homework seems to spur her on . I am old too and was brought up in an extremely strict house. I try to be a bit more open and relaxed though I do appreciate its not always easy.

I got my ears pierced the week of my 18th birthday. My father had refused to agree to it up till then. I was expected rather than encouraged to do well at school, and when it became clear I wasn't going to attain the level of effortless brilliance my father expected, he told me I'd be better off leaving school. Result? I could not wait to leave for university and rarely went back. I suffered from depression in my teens and still have anxiety now.

So I would ask you what sort of relationship you want with your children as adults? Pierced ears are the norm, and I wouldn't think a pierced navel particularly outrageous either. The school itself probably has rules on facial piercings. Expecting your children to work hard is one thing, expecting them always to come top is another. Do you reward them at all? I don't mean by saying 'if you do well at X, I'll buy you Y,' I mean by saying 'you've been working so hard recently, let's go shopping/out for lunch.'

My elder dd is also 15, younger 12.
Well I am clearly in the minority, but I have banned pierced ears until 16, as my Mum did with me, and as my MIl did too I think. I had mine done at 16 and a half as I had to wait until the beginning of the Summer holidays anyway, due to school rules about jewellery. They will have to do the same if they want them done, as they are not allowed jewellery in school either.
Both dds have told me they hate me on occasion ( not about pierced ears, but about other things) it hurts but I think most children will say this at some point. Dd1 has made the odd comment about my age, when lashing out, (I am older than you OP, in my fifties). She sometimes thinks I am too strict about things like ‘phone time, and bedtime, but I think she will understand when she is older ......at least I hope so. Dd2 is more sensible, and would sort out a reasonable bedtime for herself, but dd1 would stay up half the night, and be totally unable to cope unless we had rules about lights out. She has medical issues which make her tired, so we do keep an eye on bedtimes still.
Puberty and teenage years are hard. I have friends who were ghastly to their parents at that age but emerged close and loving.
It is a hard line to tread too, the balance between rules and freedom and responsibility. I had friends with over strict parents, but also friends with under strict parents, and both can be bad. I feel my Mum and Dad struck a reasonable balance, even though at the time I did a lot of huffing and eye rolling at their rules.

Your daughters are 12 and 15. Telling your parents you hate them is not uncommon at that age.

That said, pushing children to do well in school does cause depression and anxiety. Obviously we want our children to do well and sometimes it's hard to make teenagers see the importance of exams etc, but pushing them over and over again only makes them hate school more until they give up entirely. I've seen it.

Also... let them get piercings. It's really not an issue.

You are doing the right thing OP. Don't waver, don't doubt yourself and don't give in. Tell her that once she's an adult, earning her own money, living an adult, responsible life then she can make her own decisions about piercings, studying, who she loves and who she hates. But meanwhile, as she's under your roof, she'll abide by your rules. Non negotiable.

This would work if the op has posted about c wanting to be right at all costs, but she’s posted about improving her relationship with her dds.
Op , they are people too. School is important, so make that a priority, but make the payoff for working hard could ear piercing? Where’s the harm?
our join as parents is to grow them into adults. A big part of adulting is making decisions & choices,so they do need to get used to doing so. Adolescences is a time for trying stuff out and experimenting.
As you are well aware it’s a crazy world out there, the best thing you can do for your dds is to keep the lines of communication open. Teach them to ask for what they want, to negotiate.
Best parenting advice I ever had was Don’t sweat the small stuff.

To clear some things up:
She had her ears pierced at 11, I didn’t want her to but I was sick of her going on about it. She wants a nose piercing or second lobe piercings but I think they look stupid so I’ve said no.
When I say I push her to do well, I expect her to achieve all A*-B as I know she can do it if she tries.

My parents were strict and controlling, I hated them for it. It sent me the other way, drunk, drugs, reckless sex and not applying myself at school. They didn't once listen to what I wanted, I was told what to do and I had to do it. It culminated in a very serious overdose. I was 100% ready to die as I wasn't living a life I wanted and disappointing my family by failing at what they wanted, worst of both worlds.

Our relationship has never recovered and I moved out as soon as i could.

Lessons have been learned and I have a better understanding of how to parent a teen.

I give my dds a fair bit of freedom, I do have standards, but I’m quite laid back and we have a mutual respect that I think would be ruined if I was very strict. Both dds are well behaved at school and achieving well, so I’m happy my approach is the right one. I’d hate it if my dds really resented me for the way I parent, maybe you need to relax a little and just let them be who they are.

I was strict. I think my DC and I have a mutual respect (they let me look after their children. I see a lot of them considering distance)

Your approach was the right one for you. We're not all laid back but it doesn't make us wrong.

Not saying that the OP doesn't need to sit down and listen to her DDs though.

@Alte fair enough, but how she looks isn't really up to you. It's her body. But I get that she's still under 16.

The A*-B thing... okay, fair. But have you made her feel that you will be disappointed in her if she doesn't achieve that? I worked my ass off at school and still got 3 Cs at Higher (Scotland). I literally couldn't have done any more but that was the way the cookie crumbled for me. But I didn’t find myself distraught over it because my mum was just proud I passed and I got all my Highers.

I'm now in my 20s and have a First Class Honours Bachelors degree and I have a very good job - so clearly getting a few Cs wasn't the end of the world.

Sorry that was very jumbled, in cooking at the same time

She wants a nose piercing or second lobe piercings

Would her school allow them anyway? But she'll get them at 16...

And to be fair, you can 'expect' all you like. However that may not be the result you get.