katseyes are we secretly related? My DM did similar when I spent a weekend with my bf. We were grown-ass adults at the time!
Gosh, but adolescence can be grim: for children and parents alike. I’ve never raised any teens, but my two-pennorth from my own adolescence would be:
Nothing you can do about being older than the perceived ‘norm’ or ‘posh’. But what’s the real issue in your kids’ saying this? Are they getting bullied due to perceived differences between them/their family and that of their peers? Is there maybe a problematic generation gap? That’s not always an age thing, but can be an attitude thing. My parents carried the attitudes of their own childhoods and struggled to accept it was different for my generation. (See my first remarks!). I’m afraid the result is that to this day my DM only gets very brief highlights of my life. She’s fine with that, I feel a loss.
Self-expression. Horror was expressed at ear piercing when I was considerably older than 15. I now have other piercings (and a tattoo). You might be greeting some hard core reaction as soon as your children are 18. Ok, facial piercings may not be allowed by their school, but could you open a conversation about when your children might be able to make that decision? Just calling it ‘stupid’ is fine as your opinion but will leave your kids feeling unheard.
Academic progress: it must be galling seeing them with potential and not appearing to have the focus to achieve it. They are not adults. Their brains are still developing. It’s hard work getting through the day at 12 and 15. That doesn’t mean ignore their progress, but don’t make it clear only A* will do.
When they say they hate you, that must hurt like hell. Adolescent brains don’t do the empathy thing too well either. It’s ok to tell them it hurts you when you hear they gate you. Is there a time of day or something you all like doing together? You might use it as a time to try and hear their point of view - you don’t have to agree and you don’t have to be a pushover either.