To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

So does he want you to work and contribute but pay all the childcare?

Sorry OP your DH sounds awful! In comparison my DH took an afternoon off to meet me after work one day after an important meeting so we could celebrate or commiserate together. This isn't a partnership at all. You'd be far better off on your own & you'd get a break when he has the DC

The issue here isn’t child care, the issue is you’re married to an absolute dick

A few issues going on here.

Your husband sounds like a prize dickhead.

You could look for a part time job, single parents work a manage but usually require some flexibility, they have to use childcare or get family support but it is possible.

My dh doesn't do any childcare as in pick ups/drop off. It can be the case that some employers just to not give any flexibility. Dh is out the house 7-6.30, he has to work on call, he has to travel a very long way to different sites, his job is unpredictable, he doesn't get much holiday, no sick pay. Legally he could take parental leave but this would be frowned upon his employers aren't sympathetic to finishing early to taking time off. Yes he could get another job, but he wouldn't earn what he does. Small company out in the sticks, no one else there with young children. Mumsnet never seems to accept that can be the case.

Difference is I work part time and dh doesn't whinge at me and is grateful that I'm around for the dc.

Haven't you posted about this before, the broken leg story sounds familiar. I'm pretty sure people told you already then that's he's a twat.

so he thinks you should start conotributing financially, but he is not planning to start contributing domestically. So basically he has decided to increase your workload. Nice. Sounds fair.

If he is sooooo important and irreplaceable, then the company will bend over backwards to meet his flex work and homework demands. If he thinks he will be fired the second he doesn't have his backside on his office chair, he's not really that important, is he.

I have a friend who is married to a man like your husband. She did go back to work full time but term time only also did 100% of everything to do with their DC. She is absolutely knackered, her DC are in their teens and her DH does absolutely nothing to help with the DC or running the house. He even books most of his annual leave when he knows the rest of the family are at work or studying.

If he’s an executive, surely you can afford a nanny?
I’d do that and then once nanny is settled in start job hunting.

Split up and get a job, he’ll have to pay for childcare and look after his own son

He'll have to pay maintenance, but you cannot force a non-resident parent to parent their child. Hence, a lot of men get away with not seeing their kids and tend to re-write history by making up stories about how the ex prevented him from doing so.

But it's a mistake to split up assuming the other party will parent at all beyond the monetary.

Your husband sounds like an absolute dickhead, he doesn't sound like he even likes you and your child, never mind love or respect.

YABU that you can't work though, the 2 issues are separate and there's no way I'd be a SAHM relying on him given the state of your relationship.

If I’m going to be a single parent then why am I bothering to stay married to him! Yes why are you bothering? He's an arse.

I think your best option is to divorce him. Can you work out the sums for the bare minimum maintenance allowance. Leave him now before you have a job and he has to pay more, I think. Then later look into working part time while paying probably as much as you earn in childcare. It will give you a career history.

Then later, when your child is school age you’ll have more freedom to work.

*Single mothers do work though

I know! How?! Surely they must have support from grandparents or aunties or receive additional benefits because I honestly don’t know how it’s possible.*

Nope. OK, for full disclosure my sister did take my son for 3 days over the school summer holidays. My parents are dead, my ex-ILs are no longer able to do childcare (in fact I'm doing more caring for my ex-FIL who is unwell).

I use a childminder. She offers a little more flexibility than after school clubs e.g. late pickup if I'm at a conference, it's easy to add extra sessions here and there.

My ex is a twat like yours. It's hard being alone, but IT'S ON MY TERMS!

@Changeembrace if they both worked full-time they would have to arrange between themselves who would do the pick up from the childminder, nursery or after school care. I actually know some high flying executives, both male and female, who share the drop offs and pick ups between them.

I'm not quite clear on this as you say that your DH won't help out with any childcare issues if you work but you are basing that on what is happening at the moment while you are a SAHM. Much of the reason that he is so unhelpful at the moment when you ask for support may be due to the fact that you don't work. Maybe if you do work he will do more. The only way you can find out is to get a job and see what happens. If he doesn't change I would leave him rather than continue to be SAHM.

It sounds like you are looking for excuses not to work, rather than solutions to get you into work .

I think the fact he wants you to get a job is the least of your concerns.

Everything else suggests he's a dick of the highest order. Why are you with him op? If my DH wouldn't take a day off so that I could have my broken leg sorted first thing I'd have done is pack every belonging of his and leave it on the doorstep. Absolutely unforgivable.

I'll bet he's not that important at all and all his colleagues probably don't think all that highly of him leaving his wife in the shit like that.

I've worked with a few important mothers and fathers over the years and none of them have treated their family like this. Have all made arrangements so that they can leave on time to collect their dcs etc.

Does he work in the 1950s?

Work nights then your contributing of course he will have to look after his child overnight

When do you suggest OP sleeps when she needs to look after the child during the day (you know, the time child is actually awake) and work nights?

You hit the jackpot there. He isn't interested in you or the family, I'd ltb, tbh.

If he's as important as he seems to think he is surely he's being compensated as such and can afford full time childcare so you can return to work?

Not that I can see why you'd want that, he sounds grim I'm not sure why you're even entertaining his presence in your life 🤷

There might be some truth in workplaces being less accommodating of a man's need to adapt their work life to fit around childcare than a woman's, but your husband sounds like one of the chauvinistic arseholes perpetuating it, rather than a victim of it. Every attitude of his you expressed in this post made me increasingly angry on your behalf.

DS is two. I was planning to return to work when he’s three. But DH’s attitude so far has made me question how I’ll cope because I’ll obviously receive no support. This was not my expectation when we agreed to have a baby. It was him who wanted a baby, not me - but the whole burden has been put on me. It turns out that his idea of having a child is the kind of “weekend parenting” he’s seen his colleagues do. But then he doesn’t want me to be the kind of SAHM or very part-time casual worker that their wives are. We don’t have the money for a nanny and I’m currently not working so I can’t leave because I have no money. Plus I’m reluctant to leave and take my son from a nice home, I won’t be able to offer him that quality of life as a single mother.

Also, if he is so important sure you enough for you to pay for a nanny and a cleaner. Whatever you do, you need to go back to work or you will be forever dependent on him.

To be fair - why would you expect your husband to leave meetings early etc to do pick ups?

FFS, RTFT! She does not expect anything from him just now and he does nothing but wants her to work FT, apparently in a career that will mean she will not always be available for such, but he doesn't want to be around to parent his child at all.

If he earns so much why can’t you get a nanny and both work? The vast majority of people both manage to work, it’s a juggling act but it is possible even without a nanny.

Your husband does sound like a prat though, what exactly does he bring to the relationship/family life apart from the money to live? Doesn’t really sound like much of a life for you if he’s married to his job.

It sounds like you are looking for excuses not to work, rather than solutions to get you into work

Yes, I often wonder this when women insist they can't go back to work. She doesn't really know how he will be she does work because she hasn't tried it.