To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

He says I CAN’T. But that’s not an excuse for you not to work.

So he wouldn't even drop them off in the morning?

OP my DH can have a tendecy to view his work a smidge like this. I found we had to think about what was possible, instead of aiming at things his company just won't accept. So

1. morning drop offs tend to be more do-able in long hours jobs. DH can drop off at 7.30am/8am and work as late as needed. I work 8-4am and pick up.
2. DH does use all holiday. This one neither of us budge on.
3. if there's notice, DH can get off work eg if I've got a planned medical thing. Sometimes he can even without notice. However, I have to appreciate he can't just drop a huge client meeting at 10mins notice becayse I've got a cough.

1. He is good at arranging for his mum to come and help when he can't drop things & has offered to pay for an au pair or mothers help if we get too stretched. He has also agreed to a cleaner for 3 hours a week.
2. HOWEVER. I am willing to accept some of this because his work PAY HIM A TON. This means he is accepting of me working part time, contributing less financially than I might.

Talk to your DH. Explain you are happy to work, but if you continue to do the bulk of the childcare responsibilities, this will limit the type of work you will be able to do (and thus the contribution you can make financially. Ask that he do morning drop offs to allow you to start and finish early.

@formerbabe
Yes, children can go into paid childcare...but shockingly, you'll have to pick them up and drop them off. This will have to work with your hours and commute. You'll also have sick days, inset days, school holidays etc to contend with. That's on top of all the housework, cooking, laundry, shopping, kids admin etc.
Er, that's life for the vast majority of people! What do you think most working parents do? We can't all afford a live-in nanny/housekeeper.

his job comes first

What a dick

myself and DH both work full time. His job is by far more "important" than mine, he is a manager of a freight terminal and relied on by a lot of people (i mean that honestly by the way, not in a sarcastic manner - his job is more important).

That being said, our job as parents outweighs our employment, and in this respect we are equals. I have taken time off work to pick up DD from childminders, equally so has DH. When she is poorly and cannot go to school we both take it in turns - in fact when she was off for a week before Christmas DH stayed off the week and worked from home.

I would seriously look at why you are staying with him when he certainly doesn't view you as an equal, or a partner. Working full time with can be done, its not always easy, but its not that difficult either.

I think your main issue here is your "D"H and his total lack of thought for you and child
x

To be isn't a childcare issue. This is a dh issue and he has no respect for you. I would get a decent minder (make it clear you both pay) and make provisions to leave him (I don't say that lightly).

Sorry that should be working full time with children can be done....

@woodchuck99

All those solutions you've provided to the things I mentioned rely on him...that's the whole problem. If he won't, the op will be running herself ragged.

As for the idea that a cleaner will solve all their problems... ridiculous.

A cleaner doesn't absolve anyone of general day to day household chores.

Dinner will still need to be cooked. Laundry will still need to be done. A daily wipe round of the kitchen surfaces will need to be done. Appointments for kids will need to be organised. The kids will have dress up days that need to be planned for. They'll have assemblies and sports days and homework.

It takes up headspace...hers not his by the sounds of it.

He wants a 1950s housewife who is also a career woman. It's not possible.

it’s the dad who is a twat here, stop saying OP just needs to go back to work and cope

Yes indeed. Have a SAHP needs to be by mutual consent but having two WOHPs needs both to pitch in and do their share.

Paying for a nanny simply to enable one parent to opt out of any responsibility at all is absurd and doesn't solve the problem of a parent who doesn't care about his own child or wife.

Why are people saying she doesn't know how he would be if she got a job? OP has said several times that he has told her he would not help with any of the childcare but that is not an excuse for her not to work full time. So basically working full time is an excuse for him to do zero work towards the kids, but she should be working full time and doing all of that, including all the nights.

Put aside your "lots of mums work full time" smugness and see that the real problem here is the sexist, nonsensical double standards he is throwing out.

I think a career type job is actually easier to find flexibility in. In my last job, I was the only parent I worked closely with (without family support) who wasn't threatened with disciplinary for time off with DC. Because they valued my skills and giving me flexibility meant I accepted a lower salary. Can you take a medium term approach and consider what kind of qualifications might help you? The more valuable you are in the workplace, the more flexibility you can ask for. You want to aim for financial independence because he let you have surgery without the recovery you needed, putting your health at risk, because he wouldn't ask for time off.

@ScatteredMama82

Yes that is life... but if there's two adults, they both need to take responsibility for those things.

I was a single parent, never had an ounce of grandparent help and worked 30 hours. It can be done OP. You need to go back to work and place your child in childcare. Yes it often didn't pay for me to work, but eventually I climbed the ladder and in the end it was worth being skint for two years.

I was already thinking LTB before I even got to this bit

I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery

What the actual fuck. Get rid

He sounds like the ex of a close friend of mine except she was working and had to do everything. She never got time off.

Now that he has the kids EOW, she gets more time off than when they were together .....

Paying for a nanny simply to enable one parent to opt out of any responsibility at all is absurd

But it's no more absurd than him opting out while she stays home.

As said it's two issues,

Him as a husband and father, and secondly her working. She asked if it was right she couldn't work and the answer is no it's not right.

Or it was until she told us that even as an executive as she calls him, and her working they still couldn't afford s nanny,

Fuck knows what kind of exec can't afford to pay half of child care for one kid, but there you go.

Op, how old is your child, when does your free nursery hours kick in?

Ffs you have one child, you can work part time

Both me and DH work full time. I have a lot more flexibility ( academic who can work from home and arrange teaching around commitments) and DH earns double what I earn. I do the majority of pick up/drop offs but he still does some. They are in his diary as a standing appointment and have been since he started working at his organisation. He also gives me time two evenings a week to catch up on work I've missed so i can do the school run.
He cooks, cleans and does more childcare over a weekend to make up for the hours he works during the week.

When i work away he does everything and so far this hasn't impacted on his career one little bit.

I bet his employer would actually offer flexibility but he's too much of a misogynist to even ask.

@formerbabe all of that is managable alongside working, I guess you can stretch it out if you're at home all day, but let's not make out its impossible; it's not.

In this case though it's not really the issue, the issue is that he cares not one iota for OP or it seems his child, she should LTB.

Just shows you where you are in the grand scheme of things. I would love to know what important job he does that doesn't allow him to text you as he would be seen as weak.

Dh worked, I am a SAHM. He is home every night for a family meal, worked from home when I was ill, did night wakings if a child was ill as he wanted to comfort his son. He loves his children and they love him. Even now, as teenagers they get off their arses to greet him at the door. No prompting required, they just love him to bits. He did any school runs he could, bathed them, fed them, brushed their hair. Just loves being a Dad. He is also an incredible husband, thoughtful and appreciative.

Your Dh is an arsehole. Does he actually interact with his child without you being there? What about if you went out on the weekend leaving him with his child? What would happen?

Maybe your Dh needs to do the same job but at a company that cares he has a family.

Sorry ignore the nursery hours, Youte a stay at home mum to one school aged kid is that right?

"I’m not a single parent so don’t see why I should have to cope as one. If I’m going to be a single parent then why am I bothering to stay married to him!"

Exactly. LTB.

You'll have to look for a job with a very family friendly employer, so you can do all the drop offs, pick ups and emergency childcare.

Make sure you use a good solicitor when you divorce him and get the money you are your child are entitled to.

So if you got a job who would be paying for childcare? That's a VERY important point here.

I'm a single parent and have worked full time with very young children up to the ages of 9/10 and had NO family support. I used nursery and then breakfast/after school clubs for them. I was also responsible for sick days and arranged appointments either at the very start or end of my working days.

You ARE NOT a single parent so you shouldn't have to think like one. And yes, I did get extra financial support from benefits to help pay for childcare. I couldn't have worked without it.

I would think very carefully before being financially reliant on a complete and utter twat if I were you! Do you want to re enter the workplace or are you happy at home? Did DH want children ,because he sounds totally inept to me. Having to leave DC with an elderly neighbour because he wont step up is dangerous and completely unacceptable.Do you feel he has checked out of the relationship ?It sounds like he is using work and his "position" to exert power over you and duck out of family life .I would see if you can book some counselling ,maybe have a word with BIL?SIL and ask what they think.If he is not happy about you being a SAHM ,then you will have to rethink this marriage as its clearly not working for you.What would happen if heaven forbid you were seriously ill ?What would he do then ,call SS!

This is nothing to do with childcare I agree.

He doesn’t care about @Crocuses enough to WANT to be there for her, it’s vile misogynistic behaviour generally, but the refusal to take a day off to look after the dc while OP is in hospital is just cruel!

For that reason alone leaving him is the most sensible option.

@Crocuses, does your awful husband think his colleagues think he’s great? If they knew what he’d done while you were having your op, I guarantee they’d think he was the most selfish wanker ever!

What do you stand to get if you divorced him? Look at how you’d manage financially and then work out your next moves.

He’s a pitiful example of a man. Would you want your ds growing up like this??

I know everyone is on the LTB train here but there is a way back from this. Myself and a friend have been through similar scenarios and were both very happy with partners now.
If you have someone else you can stay with to clear your head then do.
I would also say make it very clear that if work is his number 1 priority you and your child are not willing to be number 2 for the rest of your lives. Unless you’re fine with that (sometimes earning enough or whatever would make it ok for you). Work can drop him like a sack of s* if they feel like it, they really don’t care about him. You (currently, at least) do and he should rearrange his priorities accordingly as if he carries on you’d probably be better off without him anyway.