To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

If you can insist that he needs to accept you won't be working why cant' you insist that he does his share so that you can work?

Because that is the status quo as shit as it it. Whereas insisting he gets off his arse and do his share , she can do it till she's blue in the face,if he refuses to do it.

Also a lot of men, will say the right things then conveniently be busy/forget/simply refuse to do fuck all while the woman is running around like a headless chicken trying to balance working,home and children.

What a fucking idiot he is. I have no time for men who have kids but then say they can’t possibly parent because they have an Important Job. Why the fuck have kids then? Anyone who got a puppy whilst working full time long hours would be called irresponsible, well same goes for fathers who take on a far bigger responsibility when deciding to have children, whilst working in an unsuitable job with no back up plan should mum be unable to provide full time care.

Yanbu, my DH was the same when DC were small, then his company experienced difficulties, he had to take a pay cut and I had to go back to.work. then he had to step up and do some school runs, and use some of his leave to cover holidays, I still did more, if kids were off sick was always down to me and sometimes he did drop me in it as he was so used to not thinking about childcare he'd agree to meetings without thinking through ramifications and it was done to me to sort it out and always at short notice. But with perserverence it did get better and he did take on more childcare but only because he was forced to.

Why did you have children with a man who isn't interested in caring for them?

If you can insist that he needs to accept you won't be working why cant' you insist that he does his share so that you can work?

Also, I'm not insisting that he accepts she wont be working, I'm insisting he sees he has to support her in order to enable her to work. He cant insist she works full time while also insisting he does nothing outside his job.

By the way that’s not a dig at working parents, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it’s a dig at working parents (fathers) who have a job so unsuitable to family life that they can’t possibly take time off for appointments, emergencies, sickness etc, or do any night feeds, or any parenting once they get home because they’re so tired/important.

@Confuddledtown Yes, there are people saying "just get a job" but they are not saying it would be reasonable for her to work whilst doing all the housework. They are just saying she should do it because she will probably want to leave him and so needs the financial independence. I also think that he may be more cooperative if she gets the job especially if she gets someone else to make him understand how unreasonable he's being.

The point is the OP has had these conversations with her husband and he isnt budging. He's insisting she works full time, keeps up with all the cooking/cleaning/housework/"wife"work/child work, and is point blank refusing to help or contribute to any of it as it's not his job and other mothers can do it all (while ignoring the support these other mothers have from their husbands)

I'm not quite clear that she has had conversations with him where he said he would expect her to do all the cooking cleaning housework wife work and child work if she had a job.

Single parent here. EH barely on the scene, doesn’t ‘do’ childcare. Very, very limited help from family as lost live the other end of the country. I rely on nursery. Won’t lie it’s hard going. I work 4 days and feel like I’m constantly dashing around fro drop off and to be on time for pick up whilst trying to do my hours (in London so using public transport) I currently owe the office A day from covering when DD was poorly and nursery wouldn’t accept her. It’s knackering and stressful but you just get on with it.

I clicked on uabu
Because you are being ,to put up with him

I'm not quite clear that she has had conversations with him where he said he would expect her to do all the cooking cleaning housework wife work and child work if she had a job.

Given the fact he did fuck all while she had surgery or was projectile vomiting does it really need spelling out?

Confuddled I’m saying she should resign herself to the reality of a job, and being the one juggling stuff, because that’s the reality. She’s married to an arsehole! He doesn’t want a SAHP and he doesn’t want to take any extra responsibility. One way or another the situation is unsustainable - and she was always planning to get a job when her DC was 3. Their relationship is shit enough OP doesn’t want another child with him. It’s a bad, bad plan to just refuse to do anything at all and hope it gets better.

OP feels trapped because life is not turning out how she planned. That is a mighty shit feeling. None of the options look appealing. I get that.

But the least appealing option SURELY is staying with the status quo and hoping her DH somehow changes his opinion on the importance of a working spouse. Because it will go tits up one way or another.

He sounds like an arse. How much is he earning if you can’t afford a nanny if you went back to work? If he’s not earning 100k plus he’s not really likely to be super senior unless public/voluntary sector. That he did not even take a day off when you were in hospital speaks volumes.

I am somewhat limited by my husband’s role with a nursery setting but he does drop offs 3 times a week, covers sickness and when we’ve needed to, he’s dropped everything to come back for emergencies. If I needed to go further up, we’d have to get a nanny. That’s just life. If he’s going to be resentful of you being a sahm he needs to facilitate childcare provision whether that is through funding a nanny or being more helpful with childcare.

You seem to be under the impression I'm saying she should stay at home. I'm not. I'm saying he should help. Onus on him, not her. If you read my previous post a few pages back youd see I understand fully the points you are making. I agree, I also made similar points. Being a SAHM has many negatives. You lose your financial independence. You should only put yourself in that situation if you fully trust your partner and they understand the implications of what you're giving up to be at home with your kids. You also have to make sure that they are happy to be supporting the family while you are at home. Equally, when you are both working you have to work out the give and take. It takes two to come to either decision, clearly they need to be having better conversations. She cant simply say I'm staying at home and you have to fund me, and he cant say you have to work full time and I'm not helping. I was getting my back up at people focusing on her not working, rather than him refusing to support her working.

My DH has a ‘very important job’ (quoting the OP’s H) and he can take time off whenever he needs to. I had 3 operations late last Autumn and he just told his boss he’s not coming in. Just last week he took Friday off to drive me to two hospital appointments. His boss said he can take as much time off as he needs to. I’m much better now so he doesn’t need to.

Given the fact he did fuck all while she had surgery or was projectile vomiting does it really need spelling out?

That doesn't bode well although it is possible that he had something very important at work that day which meant he couldn't stay-at-home at short notice. It doesn't necessarily mean he won't do anything around the house or drop his child off at nursery if OP goes back to work. Regardless she's not going to find out unless she gets a job.

You keep saying that you can't afford to leave.

The truth is you can't afford to stay. Right now you have your youth, your DS is young. You can afford to start again.

If you wait till you are both older it will be a lot harder and DS would have watched him put you down and humiliate you on a daily basis. Is that what you want?

He sounds like a self important twat to be honest. No job role is that important except in the persons head.

Putting aside the unfairness of being in a marriage with a husband who won't contribute. being a working single mother is perfectly doable. I have 3 children and work full time. I have no direct family so no support. It's hard work and I have little to no time to myself but it's also liberating. All decisions are mine.

I would suggest you do that (ignore what kind of job DH wants you to have - not his decision) and make your own way.

Nasty piece of work. But he pays the bills hmm

Oh yes, and don't forget the nice house and lifestyle! Never mind the son will grow up and learn from this awful man and I pity his poor future partners already. OP stop putting a nice house etc above your sons emotional develipment!

I voted YABU because plenty of people do work without the support of a spouse. It is perfectly possible. Your husband sounds like a very unpleasant man but that is a different question.

Sorry but he's really not got a 'big job' if he can't afford a childminder... Do you know what his salary is, do you think he's being honest?
This is such a sad situation. You need to get financially independent and leave. You think you're giving your son a better life, but you risk him copying and becoming like his dad.
Fwiw, my husband and I both work full-time in highly responsible 'career jobs' and have 2 young children. I do both drop-off and pick-up 4 out of 5 days, because my husband has a longer commute. Sick days we split 50:50 (but in 5 years we've only had a couple of days where the girls were off nursery sick). We split everything 50:50 at home, parenting, housework etc. In fact he probably does more!
You deserve so much better. Good luck.

Oh and I should say, both sets of grandparents live 500 miles away. We have no unpaid support.

And we have a cleaner!

Unfortunately you chose a twat to be your children’s father.

Plenty of people manage to work and build careers with no help, not just single parents, people who have partners who work away. Yes you shouldn’t have to, but your choosing to stay with this idiot for a nice house and easier life so why not atleast make the best of it by earning your own money and arming yourself for if you do leave. Yes it’s hard balancing it all, but that’s life as a parent! You are just turning yourself into a victim, you say you can’t leave because you have no money, but you won’t get a job, won’t accept a less nice house, but you will accept your child growing up in a house with a nasty father as long as you can supervise and intervene (like your son can’t tell his father is being horrible). You're annoyed he won’t look after his child, but you also can’t face the idea of him having unsupervised time with his child, you no you can’t change the guys personality so what is it you want realistically?

It’s awful that he’s turned out to be a rubbish husband and parent, and I feel for you, it must be very difficult to face, but you need to start making positive choices for yourself and your son rather than just settling for being treated like crap because it’s easier.

Why are some pp's talking as if OP is a single parent? She's not - so your points are entirely irrelevant. She has a Husband. Read - The - Post.

As opposed to striving to stick up for a lazy entitled fucker who can't be bothered with all that family life entails. & he's the one whinging about OP being a SAHM yet at the same time wanting her to remain so.

Too many male apologists haunting threads these days.

As an aside. When I worked in LA back in the day there were so many men who worked late - But they didn't have to. There's a particular type of man who finds family life with children a chore, and will use work as a way to opt out. Telling his wife he's indispensable, which is a total lie.

You should show him what you've written OP, and if he doesn't change then get rid. Sort childcare go back to work and he can deal with child support then can't he?