To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

Ffs you have one child, you can work part time
I can. That won’t stop DH complaining that he earns all the money, and it probably won’t provide me with a career or pension in the long term.

The more valuable you are in the workplace, the more flexibility you can ask for
I don’t have years to work up to being valued though. I need flexibility now. Starting a new job I think I have to accept I won’t be valued. I’d probably only achieve flexibility by working part-time.

Do you want to re enter the workplace or are you happy at home?
I’m happy at home temporarily. I’m happy to work reduced hours to fit around childcare (especially because it gives me better long term prospects than not working). I’m not happy when those options result in me being labelled as “not contributing my share” and being told DH earns all the money.

Type up an invoice this afternoon childcare... cleaning... meal prep... etc
I’ve tried that. He said don’t be ridiculous I’m not paying you for looking after your own child.

You sound like you are a single parent already tbh, DH seems devoid of and compassion towards you, and has taken zero responsibility as a father never mind as a partner from what you've said.

Divorce him, take him to the cleaners, and get a custody agreement so the fucker has to parent his child and you can get some part-time work and retain some self-esteem.

You and your child deserve better than this. But I think you know this, and only you can make the leap.

I honestly do not understand why you are with this man.

I don't understand how he can claim that his job is so high-powered when it sounds like he isn't even trusted to manage his own time. His employers can't have much respect for him if a single text would damage his chances of promotion or if they call him while he's on holiday and he just drops everything and goes in. If they are going to decide whether or not to promote him based on whether he texts his wife when he's going to be late home, then they obviously aren't impressed by his actual work!

It sounds like he thinks he's indispensable and they just see him as some brown-nosing desperado that they can get to stay late and come in while he's on leave and he will do it because he doesn't value his time (or his family) at all.

He should be pulling his weight if you find employment.

However millions of people work with no family help. DH and I have both had periods where one was responsible for pick up/drop offs depending on role at the time and you just book childcare. It’s perfectly possible to work full time with children. Sick days and hospital appointments don’t render someone incapable of working. There is annual leave and dependents leave for that.

Type up an invoice this afternoon childcare... cleaning... meal prep... etc. I’ve tried that. He said don’t be ridiculous I’m not paying you for looking after your own child

I agree with him. It’s often mentioned on MN to do that but it’s not childcare it’s parenting and it’s standard for adults to cook and clean.

If I was presented with such an invoice, I’d counteract it with every cost I’d have to pick up during the month in return.

Based on your latest updates I am wondering if he could be abusive.
He certainly seems to feel that he is superior and you are inferior. And he likes to use his working parent status versus your SAHP status as a stick to beat you with.
Bastard.

liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

I’m not happy when those options result in me being labelled as “not contributing my share” and being told DH earns all the money.

Well you're being labelled anyway no matter what you do. So fuck it, get a job , even a part time one, that you can work around your kid. For yourself not for him. For your financial safety. For your peace of mind. For your pension. For your future. Stash as much money as you can, get yourself sorted and then LTB.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
I think the point is to demonstrate what it would cost the family budget to outsource all those things to facilitate both parents having very intense full time jobs

I’m not happy when those options result in me being labelled as “not contributing my share” and being told DH earns all the money.

Well, he’s an arsehole.

If you want him not to be an arsehole, you need to ask him to go to couples counselling.

If he cannot change his arsehole opinions, then you’ll have to decide whether you want to live with an arsehole who earns all the money, or if you want to divorce the arsehole who earns all the money.

All roads lead to a job, though.

What was your employment before?

Saying his work is inflexible is a load of shit - nobody is going to say anything if he gets his phone out and says he has to make family arrangements so he can work late. He just doesn’t want to justify his whereabouts to me, he wants free licence to do as he wishes till whatever time suits him.

OR he thinks it's unfair that he has to work all day whilst you sit around doing...haha, wait for it... "nothing!"
He has actually said this exact thing repeatedly.

It is shocking how he treats you. The question is, why do you accept it?
I feel trapped. I don’t want to leave and take DS to the sort of house I could afford, and put him in the care of strangers, when he could stay here and have a nice lifestyle and be mostly looked after by a parent, as long as I put up with DH whinging about me not contributing. Plus DH will get unsupervised contact and he’s not a kind and patient parent, I often intervene when he’s yelling and making DS cry. I can’t intervene if I’m not there.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Only a Proper Career will secure my future and stop DH whinging that he earns the money. But I can’t do that with no support. DH believes that modern women can and should have it all, and has named several examples. But I think he’s failing to see the additional support that enables them. Many of the women he’s named have support from grandparents or aunties, or earn enough to afford nannies etc. One of his examples was Amal Clooney ffs.

"he’s not a kind and patient parent, I often intervene when he’s yelling and making DS cry."

So he's abusing your son as well as you, then.

Nasty piece of work. But he pays the bills

What a misogynistic twat.

I can only work full time because my DH supports me and vice versa. Bring married should mean you're a team.

when he could stay here and have a nice lifestyle and be mostly looked after by a parent, as long as I put up with DH whinging about me not contributing.

You forget that it's very likely that he'll copy and learn from DH and start treating you/talking to you the exact same way while appreciating DH for giving him the nice "lifestyle". It happens more often than you think.

Your husband is a twat and your child will one day resent him for taking no active interest in their life whatsoever.

You could work, but you'd have to pay for childcare which might just equal the same amount of funds you have now.

Amal Clooney? Dear god he has a high opinion of himself doesn't he??

Go and see a solicitor and see what you could be entitled to in a split. Then worry about the type of house you could afford.

A child who is routinely yelled at by his own father would much prefer a small flat in safety with his loving mother.

I can't imagine him troubling himself with having contact with your son anyway, he's far too important.

That's such a shame - a lot of men feel this way in the work place and it's so toxic. Where I work there's a huge emphasis on making sure men don't feel this way - we have the spotlight on execs that work flexibly and help with childcare, it's seen as a positive. I suppose it will be different in a smaller company, I work for a huge one with lots of diversity and inclusion campaigns. It does take just one or two men to lead the way though and attitudes start changing. In a roundabout way this was all to do with making sure there are more women in senior roles because as you are demonstrating in your situation, women will struggle if men don't pull their weight.

Do you have a good idea of what he earns and other financial info op?

The thing is he’s not George Clooney is he? He’s just some guy with a ‘big’ job.

And OP you are totally correct when you say the women that seem to have it all have the support your OH is totally unwilling to give you.

Nanny is paid by both of you.
Not just you.

What is your profession op?
What career or job is open to you?

Op, just get a job. The longer you're out the work place the harder it will be. You're going to have to go back at some point. Your kids in school, with both of you earning you must be able to afford wrap around care and holiday cover.

Really it's better for you, rather than this absolute determination you won't work and want the lifestyle he provides. You can't stay home and expect him to pay for you if he doesn't want to pay for you. It's that simple. You can't force him by refusing to work.

Longer term it's in your benefit. The resentment he will have rowards you and you him will build till your marriage ends.

Just go and do it. Stop fighting it.

I’m not sure what he thinks being a dad involves - is it literally just bringing home money to buy things for his DC and not a lot else?

He’s not remotely interested in helping to parent his own child because it’s a bit of a nuisance to do so and interferes with his more important work and I couldn’t tolerate that. That’s the crux, isn’t it: his work and his colleagues’ perceptions of him are more important to him than you or your child. He’s proven it repeatedly.

What’s his own parental dynamic? Did his father take a workaholic hands-off approach towards him?

OP. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.
That's needs to be the starting point, everything else gets worked out after that. Your son has a nice life, because of you caring for him, and your abusive husband paying for him. Once you have left, your son will still have you caring for him, and your abusive husband will still have to pay for him. It's the law.
I'm guessing by nice life, you are referring to the house he lives in, which will be smaller once you've left. Here's the thing - YOUR SON DOESNT GIVE A SHIT WHAT SIZE HOUSE HE LIVES IN.