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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neglect, squalor, both but not neither

116 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2020 11:40

I feel like that's my life choices.

DH only gone back off extended pat leave today and I already feel like a failure.

If I want to clean I have to focus on feed them get them to sleep so I can tidy, wash up overnight bottles, get the washing on, etc.
But then I'm neglecting their needs and not interacting enough.

Or I sit and cuddles them, feed them but then no bottles get washed, I don't eat or drink, house isn't tidied.

I don't know how to find middle ground.

And I'm not even doing school run. Soon I'll be doing that which is 2 hours a day minimum.

Everyone else does it and copes. What's wrong with me?

OP posts:

annualleavepurchase · 16/01/2020 11:42

Who says you're neglecting your child's needs because you're cleaning when they're asleep?

How much is your DH doing around the house?

You say 'they' do you have twins?

Unicornhamster · 16/01/2020 11:45

Do you have twins OP? I have 9 month old twins and a 5 year old. The first 3 months were so hard, it took me that long to get into the swing of things and find a good routine that suited us all. There’s nothing wrong with you! You just do whatever works for you and the rest will wait. It does get easier.
I found that preparing things with DH the night before helped me in the morning and through the day, I made a plan and I stuck to it. Going out and about helped, they were happy in the pram and I didn’t have to look at the house. Accept all and any help too! I was too proud for the first week thinking I could do it all but once I accepted help my life became infinitely easier.
congrats on your little one/s

8MinutesToSunrise · 16/01/2020 11:46

Nope not everybody does it and copes. You're not alone in feeling like this. I didn't find it easy. How old are they? Please remember you don't have to be perfect for them or the house you just have to be good enough. And some days very little will get done in the house and that's OK. Prioritising and trying to go with the flow helped me.

Ploppymoodypants · 16/01/2020 11:48

Hello, how old are they? I feel just like that as well to be honest. I try and pick and choose depending on what the highest need is. So maybe in the morning after breakfast they’ll say in high chair with some raisins or milk and I’ll bung a wash on and stack dishwasher and switch it on. Wipe!sides down. Then maybe all have a bath together so that’s playing and interacting. Then we’ll play a bit , go for a walk. Then home and try and get them to watch tv and independent play whilst I ha g washing out and wizz hoover round. Then lunch and repeat, dinner, bedtime routine. Then flop exhausted on sofa before remembering I have to go to bed by 8pm to get enough sleep in before they wake up at 1am and 4 am.
It’s exhausting but will get easy once you are in a routine.
I will add that big jobs never get done. I have a wall waiting to be painted and haven’t had a hair cut since second one was born. I don’t understand how you do stuff like that if you don’t have childcare. Like how do you go to the dentist for a filling? 🤔

Rainydaysmeanmuddypuddles · 16/01/2020 11:53

You haven't said how old they are?

It's not easy with babies and young children.

My advice would be to focus on self care, so eating, taking a nap if needed, shower, getting some fresh air. Meeting babies needs obviously.

Cleaning can take a back seat for a while. Obviously the essentials have to be done but there's a middle ground between spotless and squalor.

Unicornhamster · 16/01/2020 11:54

like how do you go to the dentist for a filing

I called me dentist to cancel a ore booked appointment saying I had twins and couldn’t do anything until the weekend and they told me to bring them along and someone would entertain them either in the waiting room or in the treatment room, apparently they get it all the time. I am still trying to work out nails and hair though

ColaFreezePop · 16/01/2020 11:58

You are being stupidly hard on yourself.

If you know anyone - friend, neighbour or acquaintance - who has offered you any help please use them they won't be offended. So if you have to ask someone to buy you milk because you can't get out of the house please do it. If you need someone to hold/keep an eye on your children so you can have a shower then ask them.

The advantage of you doing this now is as they get older you will have some babysitters both you and they know.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2020 12:00

Who says you're neglecting your child's needs because you're cleaning when they're asleep? I feel like cos I'm wanting the. To sleep so I can clean that I am. That I should want them to be awake so I can do stuff with them

How much is your DH doing around the house? he is currnetly doing early milk, scho run for DS then work. I need to get dinner in before he's home due to time then we're both failing to do much after 6 with the feeds, bedtime for 4 yo, feeds, bedtime for lite oens and general exhaustion

You say 'they' do you have twins?
Yes

OP posts:

thejollyroger · 16/01/2020 12:04

You are being ridiculous.

Do what you can to keep your sanity. Your kids will be fine.

DappledThings · 16/01/2020 12:04

I feel like cos I'm wanting the. To sleep so I can clean that I am. That I should want them to be awake so I can do stuff with them

But sleep is massively important for babies. They need to be asleep for a good chunk of the day for their own benefit, not always awake and busy.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2020 12:05

I found that preparing things with DH the night before helped me in the morning I've tried but by tbe time he's come down from bed for 4 yo, and then I go and wash the bottles and prep 8 bottles and we've done a feed and a basic tidy up it's bedtime. I don't know how to find time to prep tomorrow's dinner and all the other stuff I should be doing

Going out and about helped, they were happy in the pram and I didn’t have to look at the house. but the dirty bottles and washing up and general 4 yo mess is still all there and the washing and folding.
I can't see how I'm gonna have toem for anything beyond the two school runs.

Accept all and any help too! were having help with the school runs for a week or so but there's only the two Nans who can, and I can't have people come in and wash up etc, I can't leave them with someone whilst I nap as they cry lots if they're not being cuddled

OP posts:

butterandbread · 16/01/2020 12:05

I feel like cos I'm wanting the. To sleep so I can clean that I am. That I should want them to be awake so I can do stuff with them

OP, I know it’s easier said than done (mum guilt is shit but very real), but please don’t worry about that, it’s 100% normal! There are days (most, to be fair, constant feed/play/change/play is tiring!) when I can’t wait for my daughter to go down for a nap or when I’m counting down the hours until she goes to bed!

It’s hard being completely responsible for a little person mentally as well as physically, and it’s totally okay to look forward to getting stuff done whilst they’re asleep without constantly tending to them!

annualleavepurchase · 16/01/2020 12:07

You're fulfilling their needs by getting them to sleep. It's massively important for them.

Do you have a dishwasher? Could you buy a tabletop one for bottles?

Thestrangestthing · 16/01/2020 12:08

You don't need to spend every minute your children are asleep entertaining them. Put them in bouncers or moses baskets and get on with things if you need to. You can't hold on to them every minute of the day, trust me it's not good for yoh or them. I did it with my second child and I created a monster.

MuddyPuddlesAndPrettyBubbles · 16/01/2020 12:10

Can you afford to put the 4yo in breakfast club, so your DH can drop him off and all that has to be done is dress him in the morning? Then you could quickly wash bottles and prep dinner during that time.

When you say prep dinner what are you doing? I do the bare minimum of prepping. Salmon fillets, chicken thighs in the oven and boil new potatoes and some veg (frozen is fine!) Pasta pesto with peas, eggs beans and toast, all easy and minimal prep.

Its bloody hard but it will get easier. The bottles only need to be done for a few more weeks really, the twins can soon have cows milk from a beaker. My house was a total disaster zone when DC2 was that age and I only had singletons.

okayokaywhatsnext · 16/01/2020 12:14

I have 6 month old twins and a 2.5 year old. It’s so hard. You can’t do everything so you need to decide what you care about. I’ve prioritised laundry and food/cooking. We’re paying a cleaner and for private nursery for toddler for 2 days. DH is doing more than ever. It can only get easier is what I’m telling myself.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2020 12:17

Sorry they're 1 month

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2020 12:18

and I can't have people come in and wash up etc,

Won't your DM or DmiL help with that? I would

Are your twins very new? Cut yourself some slack.

MuddyPuddlesAndPrettyBubbles · 16/01/2020 12:19

Sorry I got mixed up with the poster who had 9mo twins. You'll be doing bottles for a while. Can they not go in the dishwasher overnight?

Breckenridged · 16/01/2020 12:21

One month is tiny, don’t worry about the house being a tip for a while. Remember your first DC and how much easier things get from around 3months when they will happily lie on a playmat.

My friend had newborn twins and a 2yo and she had them in a carrier ALL the time, have you got a sling library near you that could help you with that? If they need cuddles a lot then a sling would be a lifesaver. This kind of thing is not cheap koalaslings.co.uk/collections/twingo-carrier/products/minimonkey-twin-carrier-1

But you can wrap them both up in a stretchy wrap, they cost about £15 second hand.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2020 12:22

No one has really offered Tbh. Most of my mates work or have similar aged kids. Sisters both have young kids. Mom looks after sisters kids cos she works. MIL wouldn't necessarily reduce my stress.

They've just taken an hour to feed and they haven't actually finished so will want new bottles in 2 hrs. When I put them down they sleep for a bit but once it gets to 11 am feed tbry don't sleep tons without being held. Currently have two asleep babies in me in case anyone wonders why I'm on MN.

OP posts:

puds11 · 16/01/2020 12:23

Babies cry. They won’t explode from crying. You might from being over tired though. Accept help. Why can’t someone come wash up? Society has created this ridiculous standard whereby accepting help is seen as failure. Fuck that! We weren’t made to raise children alone.

If it’s having a family member round that’s the problem then consider a post natal doula.

FairytaleofBykerGrove · 16/01/2020 12:23

Choose sleep, food, and survival for you and babies. A bit of squalor and emotional neglect is par for the course when babies are tiny. It will get easier

puds11 · 16/01/2020 12:23

Can you settle them in a pushchair?

toomuchtooold · 16/01/2020 12:27

Don't worry about interacting with them, as others have said, sleep is incredibly important at this age and you're meeting their needs by getting them to sleep.
I'm a twin mum as well; I haven't met a single twin mum who didn't white knuckle it from one nap to the next. Don't worry.

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