Neglect, squalor, both but not neither

[SleepingStandingUp]

I feel like that's my life choices.

DH only gone back off extended pat leave today and I already feel like a failure.

If I want to clean I have to focus on feed them get them to sleep so I can tidy, wash up overnight bottles, get the washing on, etc.
But then I'm neglecting their needs and not interacting enough.

Or I sit and cuddles them, feed them but then no bottles get washed, I don't eat or drink, house isn't tidied.

I don't know how to find middle ground.

And I'm not even doing school run. Soon I'll be doing that which is 2 hours a day minimum.

Everyone else does it and copes. What's wrong with me?

When you have been in a squalid home and met truly neglected children then you do not worry so much about a messy house or children/babies who have to wait 5-10mins because mum or dad has their hands full.

Do what you can when you can and know that it does get easier (eventually). Also lower your standards.

Twins are hard. I knew someone with twins and a toddler and she looked, well , defeated. For a long time.
I would let the housework go as much as possible, and just rest. You need to recover, and you can’t do that while trying to be superhuman. You can’t have a perfectly tidy and clean house, plus twins and a toddler having loads of attention , it would be hellish for anyone to try and achieve that !

I have twins, you have my sympathy. It's really, really hard at first. For the next 3/4 months concentrate on sleep and the babies and recognise that for a while your house won't be up to your usual standards but that's fine because you have twins and it's what happens. Start using bouncers as soon as you can put them in, they saved my life.

I feel your pain, it's really hard, but it does get easier, I promise you. Unmumsnetty hugs. Xxx

I felt the same when my twins came home from NICU and DD in particular was a terrible feeder so I felt I was constantly battling the 45 minute feeding time where she would only take 10-15mls and the mountain of bottles that sprang up as a result. I found having some of the premixed formula helped (it’s a bit more expensive but in the middle of the night when I was absolutely knackered it was a lot easier to just pour, warm and go and was less likely to wake DS by boiling our stupidly loud kettle (we lived in a tiny flat at the time and I had their Moses baskets in the living room where I also had to sleep because it was the only room that would fit them) after a while I started to ease into a routine, but I will admit I wasn’t anywhere close to feeling organised in this matter until they were at least a year old. It does and will get better, focus on the jobs where you can that meet your needs and theirs primarily, if needed buy in a few extra bottles (my DD and DS had about 10 each!) it’s a short term solution and yes eventually they will need washing and sterilising but it’s a little quick fix for now. I also made sure to get into the habit of allowing them to cry a little bit when I knew they had been fed, they were dry and comfortable - i’d go into the bedroom at the flat and just have a few minutes headspace, then back to it when I felt ready.

Now my experience was different because I didn’t have an older child in the mix and other PP’s have advised better than I can on this.

Twins are hard work when they’re tiny, but you can get through this, any chance you can assign tasks to your DH (such as washing up) so it takes a bit off your shoulders each day? Leaving them to sleep is not neglectful, wishing they’d sleep so you can get some jobs done is also not neglectful, I love my DD and DS with all my heart but still have days where I’m counting down the minutes to naptime and bedtime so I can get some bloody house work done TAMBA as a PP suggested is a good place for support and please cut yourself some slack, it’s okay not to have everything perfect and organised, my mantra in that first year for my twins was ‘happy (), fed and clean - today was a good day’.

OP do you follow Just a Normal Mummy on FB/insta? See her latest post

I remember that feeling well op.

I would recommend having a 30 minute list of essentials that you do each day.

For me this is:

Wash up 10 min.
Laundry in machine (takes 10 mins to sort)
5 minute hoover of main living space.
5 minutes making beds (so you can drop with exhaustion later!)

Then you have a daily room that you focus on for another half hour (this is less important than the first bit)

For the rest of the day allow yourself to focus on your dcs and on yourself. Tick off the things you have done and don't worry about the rest. As a wise woman once said, nobody lies on their deathbed thinking "i wish i'd done more housework"!

Try and get out of the house with them at least once a day once you're feeling up to it.

My house was a mess when D.C. were little. I kept the kitchen and toilets clean enough that we all stayed healthy but apart from that it was a disaster. I can remember the embarrassment when my 4 year old niece (whose mum was a neat freak) came into our bedroom and remarked ‘oh, it’s not very nice in here is it?’ And it wasn’t.

That was over 20 years ago. My house is lovely now I have more time, energy and money to stay on top of things. D.C. don’t remember how bad things were back then but they do remember picnics and stories and duvet days watching tv together.

I’m trying not to be snarky, but people who say things like “we’ve had to move onto frozen veg” like it’s a dirty little secret are what make normal new mothers feel like shit. Normal parents of newborns think they’ve done well if they’ve managed to bung oven chips on the table for the third night running ffs; they don’t feel guilty for using frozen veg in their batch cooking 🙄.

You don't need to have a tidy house, prioritise your health and the babies feeding and sleeping. Do you have home start nearby, this is absolutely what organisations like that are for. They gave volunteers who come round to help, it might be for a short period or for a few months. We also have Aberlour in Scotland which sometimes gives you some childminding or other help , not sure where you are. There are absolutely people who would come and help feed, wash up, chat, cuddle babies, whatever. Please ask for help. Take some time to read a book or magazine or watch TV even just for a few minutes when they go to sleep, it's important to rest and recharge.

I can’t imagine many people coping well with that workload. I don’t have anything like the amount you do and I still struggle a lot of the time. You’re being very hard on yourself. In that situation I would think as long as everyone is alive at the end of the day you’re doing good xx

I vote for squalor.

It's survival at this point. If you can end the day with everyone fed,, nobody dead, pat yourself on the back.

You're not unreasonable, just overwhelmed. Your twins are still really little.

Is there any way you could afford to pay someone to clean for 2-3 hours a week, maybe pick up necessary supplies en route? You do need some support.

We didn't have twins but we bottle fed, do you have a Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep machine? It was a lifesaver for us. Also a bottle brush with a washing up liquid reservoir like this

www.amazon.co.uk/Nuby-NT67686-Integrated-Washing-Up-Dispenser/dp/B009NI6IHY?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Other than that if the bottles are sterilised, the older DC is fed and has (semi) clean clothes for school, you should rest.

"everybody fed, nobody dead"

That's it. That's ALL that matters. Everything else is window dressing.

Be kind to yourself.

I had a baby that screamed every time she wasn’t touching me. Cleaning was a pipe dream. DH did it when he got home.

I think the only reason the voting is around 50-50 is because you’re saying „Everyone else copes”. So we’re not sure whether to say YABU for thinking that, or YANBU because of course other mums feel as overwhelmed as you do!

Either way, OP, everyone here understands and feels for you. You’re not a failure. going to die if the house looks a mess and clothes are crumpled. With one-month-old twins you just have to remember things really will get easier eventually. Best of luck xx

It's bloody hard @SleepingStandingUp, don't be hard on yourself. No child every grew up and complained that the house wasn't clean. Just do the absolute minimum for now, it will get easier.

Ooops - Nobody’s going to die ....

Focus on the babies - if you need the house clean - get a cleaner... I had a cleaner in every day when my kids were young.

Haven't read whole thread, but when my second child was a baby and first child hadn't started school yet, my mum insisted I found a (free) playgroup and DC1 go there several mornings a week. I was resistant (felt I "should" be entertaining her constantly, "should" be able to cope) but it was a bloody godsend. There could be something like that in your area?

Another thing that helped was always doing one load of laundry a day. Never skipping a day, but not trying to do any more than that. One load in. Yesterday's load put away. Took 20 mins. Kept me on top of things.

I feel crap when my house is a mess and I'm not on top of things, so I do understand you wanting to stay feeling in control. Your babies will be old enough to lie on a mat and stare at a toy soon, that will bring some more freedom to get stuff done x

OP my twins are now 3, although they both have additional needs and very delayed developmentally, but nothing compares to how hard those early months are. And I didn’t have an older child as well.

I don’t know a single twin mum who didn’t spend those first 6-9 months fire fighting. I was expressing as well, every two pissing hours, and I was certifiable by six months.

Do you have a local twin group? Ours is great, I’ve never been to the groups but using the Facebook page I made a fantastic group of friends with twins the same age and we have all given each other so much support and reassurance over the last three years. It makes so much difference, especially if you don’t have family around (we didn’t either).

Call Homestart - we’ve just had a volunteer for the last six months and she’s been wonderful, she feels like a member of the family to me and she’s offered to help us unofficially ongoing by babysitting etc (right now we never go anywhere). My boys love her.

Get a travel cot for downstairs naps / safe time while you do stuff. Also swings! Whatever you need to do to make it through. The mess doesn’t matter.

I forgot to add -- TAMBA! They have a helpline and lots of suggestions for twin parents. I once rang them up in tears and they calmed me down. And local twin clubs so you can share stuff and talk to people who understand!

The slings didn't work for us as both have bad backs, so try before you buy!

I was going to ask if you have a dishwasher too..

I second a baby group. Lots of areas have specific twin groups which are a great source of support. Often they're found on Facebook. If there's a home start in your area they'll come in once a week for a couple of hours (my volunteer used to let me sleep or clean while she played with the babies).

Eat ready meals. A cleaner is a nice idea but unfortunately not one available to many twin Mums. Or sending your laundry out which is sometimes cheaper. Tell family and friends you need help and accept any offered. Tommie Tippee perfect prep is an amazing help too.

And if desperate you can hire a baby sitter off childcare.co.uk to watch the babies while you catch up on sleep.