Neglect, squalor, both but not neither

[SleepingStandingUp]

I feel like that's my life choices.

DH only gone back off extended pat leave today and I already feel like a failure.

If I want to clean I have to focus on feed them get them to sleep so I can tidy, wash up overnight bottles, get the washing on, etc.
But then I'm neglecting their needs and not interacting enough.

Or I sit and cuddles them, feed them but then no bottles get washed, I don't eat or drink, house isn't tidied.

I don't know how to find middle ground.

And I'm not even doing school run. Soon I'll be doing that which is 2 hours a day minimum.

Everyone else does it and copes. What's wrong with me?

Sounds really bloody hard OP! I only had a single and there were days & weeks when nothing got done!

Don't worry about the cleaning - it just needs to be clean enough! Loo clean, kitchen sides wiped, bottles done.
Ready meal and freezer food is fine. Beans on toast is fine. Fish & chips is fine (do some peas if you want to be healthy!)
Get a couple of baskets and sort the dirty washing as you go - when a basket is full, pop it in the washer.
Get your older child doing things - tidy toys before bed, put his washing in right places, dirty breakfast plates in kitchen.
Give your husband a list if need be.
There's been some good advice on getting support do access it.

Good luck OP and enjoy your babies.

Hi OP haven't read thread as on v quick break at work, but don't worry . I have DD1 5you and DTs nearly 2 and when they were little it was carnage in terms of housework. Still is tbh!

We have a cleaner who makes a small dent in it all but mostly I stay up at night and do housework.

However - and this is crucial - NOT WHEN THEY WERE THAT AGE. Babies need cuddling and attention. That's your 'work' now. Other things get parked. Do the minimum and soon they will start to be put-down-able for a bit. Total gamechanger when mine were about 8-9 weeks old and could do on a playmat thing with toys dangling above them together. Or in bouncy chairs. It gets sooo much easier as they can entertain themselves, it really really does.

So this is just a phase and you will weather it.

Buy more bottles and another steriliser. And be less hard on yourself. Month-old twins is hard work by anyone's standards. You will look back on this time and wonder why you didn't just abandon 3/4 of your to do list as bad job.

Get a very simple routine going and then lower your standards or get some paid help if you can afford it.

Get up, do first feed and nappy change then they get to play, potter or sit in a rocker for 30 mins in front of a baby gym/TV while you stick a laundry load on, have a quick shower, dress and grab breakfast.

If you are doing a school run everything except first feed, nappy change and get yourself dressed can wait until you get home. Babies can stay in baby grows. No need to dress them for school run.

Once the wash is on and you've had something to eat you can do a few jobs with a baby in one arm and a toddler 'helping' - empty dishwasher, reload it, wipe table etc.

I just used to talk through everything I had to do to try and involve DC in it. Get out for a walk and shop for dinner. Keep it really simple while the DC are young. Ready made lasagne or chicken kievs with oven chips and microwavable veg.

My DC lived on tinned spaghetti, grated cheese and chopped fruit. They're now incredibly sophisticated in their food choices and we cook fresh stuff every night. Now's not the time for that.

Try and chunk the day - a chunk of time playing with them: playwark or a music or swim session if that's possible. Then some time when they nap and play alone or watch TV while you do basic house jobs.

Make sure that once home your DH does 50% of all evening and night jobs. You've been working all day.

You do the bottles the night before or all at once in the morning. Mix up the right amount of powder with half the (boiling)water, divide between the bottles and bung them in the fridge. Top up the now ice cold formula with hot water when it comes to feeding time - instantly drinkable.

Also - buy more bottles. Buy enough to last a full 18hrs worth of feeds. DH can wash them when he gets home, then the next lot of bottles get made and bunged in the fridge behind the older ones.

It has to be a military operation outside of the survival hours :)

Op yabu they're 1 month old twins, 1 month op... Give yourself a break, stop putting pressure on yourself and be patient. You will find a way to balance out their care other stuff but it will take time and compromise.
Your going to do yourself and them no justice if you keep driving yourself mad with what you have said in your post.

Also, cold water sterilisers all the way. I had three! I had enough pump parts and bottles for 24 hours. Each night I’d wash up, change the water in the cold water sterilser, add a tablet, Chuck everything in. It stays sterilised for 24 hours until you take it out, if you add an item in you then just have to wait 20 mins until everything is sterile in there. I only discovered them when DT2 was readmitted to paeds and they put one by the bed - it was a revelation.

When they were a bit older I ran all the bottles and pump parts through the dishwasher then sterilised them, and gave a good scrub every few days.

Where are you based? There are a few locations in the country near nanny training colleges, and if you have 2 or 3 children under the age of 5, and especially multiples, they'll sometimes send you a trainee nanny for free. They change every 6 weeks and you can't leave them alone, but they are an extra pair of hands and a way of maintaining sanity. I know there is Norland in the south west, and I know there are some other places. You could even try phoning your local college that does childcare qualifications and enquire.

Blimey I had one baby, I ignored all housework until the weekend when DH was home, other than bits in the evening I could do while he watched DS or vice versa, he also used to make me a packed lunch when he made his so I could just grab and eat. Find things you can just throw in the slow cooker for dinner and make 8-10 portions at a time so you can freeze some, microwave rice pouches pasta and jacket potatoes in a low oven are your friends to go with. It was a lot with one let alone a 4 year old and new born twins, give yourself a break!

I have a five year old, a three year old and two almost six month olds and I can honestly say the adjustment from one to two children was much much harder than the adjustment from two to four children.

Please be kind to yourself, you’re only a month in!

I am a twin mum.

You don’t need to interact with one month old babies. You need to feed them, change them, and love them. That’s it.

The house can wait. If you don’t have clean plates then DH can wash up three when he’s back and serve frozen pizza on them. No one will die. Everyone will be fed. So what if the house isn’t as clean and tidy as before you gave birth to twins?

Please cut yourself some slack. It’s not ‘squalor’ it’s just the reality of family life with newborn twins.

You need to cut yourself some slack because you sound overwhelmed and upset and run the risk of depression. I cannot stress this enough, you need to prioritise your own mental health. NOT cleaning!

Sleep. Eat. Have a shower. Your babies won’t implode if you leave them to cry. As you know because no doubt you have to leave one of them to cry sometimes when a nappy needs doing or a bottle needs doing?

I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. Please, for your sake, adjust your expectations.

It can be tough but organisation helps and being a team. We had twins (long time ago) DH would do a nappy change and clean while I fed the other then we swapped, I fed the clean one he changed and cleaned the fed one. Then we sat and had a cuddle before they went back to sleep. (DH loved being dad used to catch him grinning while holding them or singing to them). In the morning he'd leave breakfast for me if I wasn't awake, if I was he'd make me coffee and something to eat. Before he left for work he'd put some stuff in the slow cooker for dinner and would usually leave something for me to eat (sandwiches/salad). Didn't take him long and it all made time for me. I was worried about not doing enough housework as I didn't want to be seen as 'idle', DH didn't care, my job was looking after the girls and as long as they were happy, safe and fed he didn't care if the house was a tip.

We survived. It doesn't get easier, every age has different challenges just enjoy them while you can.

I have twins, plus two older ones and in the early days NOTHING got done. My kids watched TV, we got a cleaner so things didn’t get too squalid, the babies lived in their bouncy chairs. I used a twin sling as much as possible and gave myself a huge break. I looked like crap, was ill all the time due to lack of sleep and cried most days. We got through it. Take it one day, or one feed at a time and please try not to judge yourself. It will pass, they will get bigger, things will get easier, you will have time for your older DC again. My twins are 3 now and those crazy days are like a blur! now it’s double tantrums

Not much further advice, but some solidarity - I have 11 week old twins and a 2 year old. You'll have good days and bad days - yesterday, there was no opportunity to choose between housework or interacting with the babies, because I literally spent every moment charging from one urgent task to the next until DH came home. But today has been much better - we've cuddled, we've played, I've tidied up and got the laundry on. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent!

Also, thank you to everyone on this thread from me too. This is going to sound ridiculous, but as of 1 Jan I've been trying to shift the baby weight - and unsurprisingly, failing miserably (much easier to grab junk food than healthy food in the midst of all the chaos). I'd been feeling bad about not trying harder, but this thread has helped me see how silly it was to attempt at this point in my life, so I'm going to be kinder to myself and kick the diet down the road for now.

You need to give yourself a break. Even with one baby the first few months just focus on baby. Rest and food come before housework. Then think of jobs as small tasks, so you may bring the washing down and put a few plates in the sink but then go back to the babies. Next hour put the washing on and make one bed. Think 5-10 minutes instead of having a 'proper' anything done. Eventually, it will get better.

"Everyone does it and copes" - OP please don't be so hard on yourself! Remember, they may not have twins, they may have a lot of help, they may have babies who are not fussy and can be put down, they may have cleaners etc. They also may make it look effortless but be like swans furiously paddling away under the surface!

You are doing amazingly!

I'd also recommend the Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep Machine if you don't already have one, it's a godsend for making bottles quickly and easily. There's the old style model which is cheaper and the new more expensive Day and Night one which has a option to turn the very loud enough to wake the dead beep off at night.

And don't forget normal people will not judge, they will look at you and think 'two babies, bloody hell give yourself a break'. You are amazing.

YABU because you are expecting too much of yourself. Give yourself a break, you're only human! My friend watched me almostkilling myself trying to get everything done (to dh and mil's ever higher standards and preached "good enough" to me for months before I took it on board).

Be good enough, let things be good enough. Perfection is an attribute of God's, let Her have it

OP not the same as dd only has one baby but I did all her cleaning and her laundry and fed her many meals for the first few months whilst she looked after dgs. If you ask your baby's nans I'm sure they would help out with housework. Dgs needed his mum so I did what I could so that dd only had to look after him.
Dgs is seven months old and last weekend I did her laundry because dgs has been under the weather and she had got behind. I would rather her say that she needs help than see her struggle and I'm sure your family would feel the same.

A friend with twins used for first months only, readymade up formula.in cartons, big ones, expensive but the time saving enabled other things to get done. Lasts a day in fridge pnce opened. Other hacks from twin mum included plastic refill liner bottles (they are presterilized liners that fit into a frame) so only teats needed washing/sterilizing. Her HV recommended it to her.
Tidying isnt necessary or ironing or sorting. Pile things up in the corner, use paper plates if necessary, dolmio sauce, frozen peas, quick cook fresh pasta, fish fingers. Throw away foil trays. and concentrate on cuddling, feeding, getting out of the house for a walk once a day and sleeping when they are asleep.

Disclaimer. I had twins and toddler, hell despite having a morning helper for four hours till they were six months. Wish I had massively decluttered and thought through where changing stations were, where they were going to sleep in the daytime, who was going to sleep in spare bedroom (I ended up on sofa bed in sitting room so dh could sleep through, deal with toddler and help me from 7.oo and not be totally sleep deprived like me - why didn't I put a proper bed downstairs - I'm not sure....)

You’re giving yourself a really hard time. When dd2 arrived, dd1 was 4, I said to show I could tidy the house OR prep dinner. We got a cleaner 3 times a week. Could you do the same, or a mother’s help?

I mixed fed so had both the hellishness of breastfeeding being difficult and bottles to make up. Which is my excuse for having a helper, as no parents or relations around to help at all, apart from dh.
tbh I think the cuddling is the most important thing. They will sleep better and then you will sleep better in the long run, even if now it seems like less gets done. If I have one regret is that I was trying to keep things shipshape and it would have been better to just surrender, sit on sofa feed feed and cuddle, get out once a day and not care if house was chaos. Time passes quickly and you will get back into tidy habits later on, when you are not so exhausted.

I chose squalor .

You get used to it after a while and it's a waste of time anyway.
Drives DH and I a little crazy occasionally, but not half as crazy as trying to maintain a tidy house.

Oh, OP, twins are brutal! I was on my knees at 1 month and I didn’t have a 4 yo to deal with at the same time.

The first day my DH went back to work after paternity knees I had to call him up and ask him to come home! It does get better, but it takes a while. I now have a couple of 9 year olds who are a delight and do not remember and seem none the worse for the first few months of their lives when I didn’t seem to have anything under control. Other mothers of twins aren’t happily “coping” they are just getting by, and you will too.

You are not neglecting your children if you leave them to themselves for a short while to clean their bottles or have a shower. You are not neglecting them if the house is untidy or they aren’t happy every second of the day. Prioritise keeping them and you safe and fed. Get sleep when you can as sleep deprivation makes everything else harder. If there are mother’s helpers available in your area see if that reduces your stress.

One thing I discovered after a few days (or weeks - it’s all a bit blurry) of them on my own was that, so long as they were fed and clean, mine settled faster if I left them alone. I discovered this because I was having a nightmare trying to settle them both - couldn’t carry them both at the same time but they were crying if I put them down for more than a minute. So after a bit of picking one up to cuddle and as soon as she quieted putting her down and picking the other up in a never ending circle, I decided to concentrate on getting one to sleep and then do the other. The one I was letting cry fell asleep before the one I was (I thought) soothing. And quite quickly. If left together the mutual crying seemed to disturb them at first so I would cuddle or play with one while the other fell asleep and then let the one I was cuddling settle on her own. This may not be the case with yours, but for mine it seems that what I thought was soothing was actually stimulating them and what they needed was a little time to realise they could just be and then they fell asleep.

When I had twins I put them in baby carriers on my front and back all the time (connecta carriers to be exact, because they are really lightweight and easy to wear in tandem) and went about my day. They got lots of close contact with me and often would even fall asleep in the packs, but I could still do what I needed to do (or even leave the house and get on the bus). Multitasking is your friend with twins! As they get older it will get easier on the sleep and mess front, I promise!