Neglect, squalor, both but not neither

[SleepingStandingUp]

I feel like that's my life choices.

DH only gone back off extended pat leave today and I already feel like a failure.

If I want to clean I have to focus on feed them get them to sleep so I can tidy, wash up overnight bottles, get the washing on, etc.
But then I'm neglecting their needs and not interacting enough.

Or I sit and cuddles them, feed them but then no bottles get washed, I don't eat or drink, house isn't tidied.

I don't know how to find middle ground.

And I'm not even doing school run. Soon I'll be doing that which is 2 hours a day minimum.

Everyone else does it and copes. What's wrong with me?

Should add, that video is not me, it’s an instructional video I used when mine were little!

In the nicest possible way OP, you are expecting a bit too much. I had the same age gap between my son and the twins and no family or help. Just do the best you can. House doesn't have to be perfect. Mothering doesn't have to be perfect. Do a bit of each and you'll be grand.

The squalor is temporary while you are in this intense baby stage and it is fine!

Set your sights low with meals - buy a bunch of different pasta sauces. Cook pasta with some veg boiling in the same pan, then bung the sauce on top when it's done. It's healthy enough and you can have variations on that every day. It's one pan and couple of bowls to wash after.

If having the grandparents round would be hard or stressful, could they help by taking a basket of laundry every few days and returning it to you clean and folded. I'd happily do that for a friend or relative and would be glad they'd asked.

You are doing brilliantly

Someone mentioned dressing the babies. They can stay in babyros all day. It's fine. It's comfy. As long as they're reasonably clean, it doesn't matter. Mine lived in babygros except for special occasions.

Also, an option for meals is www.cookfood.net it's pretty decent ready meals, ingredients close to what you'd have at home. Tastes good. Nutritious. Good portion sizes. Frozen. Some shops stock it, or you can order online and there are deliveries about twice a week, more in some places I assume.

Oh gosh, OP you are being very hard on yourself. Do what you need to get through the day. Looking after twins and a four year old is quite enough without feeling guilty about the housework!

Oh OP! It’s so early on, you’re being really hard on yourself. FWIW I’m always kind of on the go, even when I had lots of small people at home, and everyone is always commenting on me getting lots done etc. I can tell you most sincerely - I did absolutely NOTHING for three months when all of my children were born. Nothing. Nada.

All I did was feed myself, and them, and whichever newborn had come along

Food and sleep. So very, very important for you, for twins, and for a four year old. Food and sleep. Who cares if there’s a pile of Lego or whatever. Get your four year old to help you while you feed. Not massive things but like, some sort of game. Put CBeebies on.

Whoever constructed this social prison of having to ‘do it all’ as a mum, wants bloody locking up! In many many cultures, a mum wouldn’t be expected to move much at all for six weeks. You’re brought everything you need, and older children will be automatically looked after. Month old babies don’t need any more stimulation than you saying “hello my darling” while they’re feeding. You don’t need to do anything with them, apart from being a happy and healthy mum. Cuddles, fresh air, nourishment, sleep. They don’t have a long list of requirements, otherwise humans would never have evolved this far!

I had twins and a 2 year old. It was bloody hard and intense parenting for the first couple of years. We have no family locally so didn't get much help, honestly just get through each day, as long as the children are fed and warm and clean and loved they'll be fine. Drop standards on the housework, this phase won't last forever and sleep deprivation makes everything harder.
You are doing great so please cut yourself some slack xx

Sorry, my mum turned up and saw I was upset etc, had a chat and we got the kitchen cleaned whilst the babies napped / we consulted them between us. Having a tidy kitchen to start from again really helps.

We have lots of bottles but I've been doing my big bottle wash after dinner ten in keeping prepping the bed time beds. This is def the wrong time so will move to have them all done midday.

Have a perfect prep, no room for dishwasher, no money for cleaner.

Has HomeStart with DS as he has additional needs but it didn't really gel and she only came twice.

There are normal playgroups but I think they're a bit young, they get first injections in two weeks. Twins group is too far as I don't drive. Wattsapp twin group is nice but it's always me moaning and struggling so I guess I feel self conscious

Wattsapp twin group is nice but it's always me moaning and struggling so I guess I feel self conscious

Use it if it helps. Twins groups are used to this. New mothers struggle. Eventually, their lives become somewhat(!) normal again and they help along the next lot of new mothers. Twins are hard. Mothers of twins know this and they won't mind you needing support.

I took some antihistamines and they knocked me out whilst Mil was here so I've had a nap. DH got take out so very little washing up in my tidy kitchen! She would absolutely babysit whilst I slept or come and clean etc but I feel bad asking esp when she's steuggling herself some days with missing FIL. I don't want her to feel she can't continue rebuilding her life cos she has to babysit me.

Not much room in the freezer but we're having a new one tomorrow so I'm going to do a big freezer order and try and be more sensible about what goes in it so I can get more convenience food / batch cook. Have a slow cooker but crap at using it, that's what I meant by food prep. Hoping with the big shop I can food plan and start doing it more. DH will eat what he's given so long as it isn't too spicy.

Thing is altho I have a 4 yo, I've never had a newborn at home, DS was 13 weeks when he came home and I had community nurses there most days, specialist HV on call, tons of professional support. Even once we were home we were in and out of hospital for 18 momths so we only ever survived on a high of him being home

Twins groups are used to this boots a small group who all had babies due within x weeks at the same hospital so one set are 3 months, the next two sets are 1 month, 2 sets are a few weeks and the last set is newborn.
The only other group I was recommended on FB was a BF one but I'm not bf, I'm just about managing to pump 3 times a day max 😕

Sleeping, I think your mother in law would like to help you sometimes. Being useful is important, it can make the difference between feeling terribly unhappy or moderately happy.

Oh OP! I felt like this when DS2 was 1 month old and there was only one of him! My DS1 has additional needs too so it was hard.

It took me a good few months to feel like I was on top of having more than one child, so even though I can't add to the advice already on the thread, I wanted to let you know you are not alone and it's ok to find this bone crushingly hard.

Having a one month old is absolutely insane, even when there's just one of them. If you have two tiny twins and an older child too then honestly it's just about survival at this stage. You are being very hard on yourself. My house is a tip and my kids are older (and there's just two of them) and I suspect that a lot of people's houses are too when they don't have visitors. Please accept all offers of help and don't be afraid to ask. Some people don't naturally offer to help but are actually happy to do so if asked. The dilemma you state in the subject of your post is one that a lot of parents feel all the time (I definitely do) and to some extent I'm not sure it ever goes away, so you have to make your peace with it. Prioritise yourself and do the essentials only.

thanks everyone. My Mom has come down the last two weeks and basically tidied my kitchen (i helped!) which has made me realise that's the most important room for me to keep organised. The damn Christmas tree is down at last which has helped.Dreading doing both the school runs soon and so far behijnd with Uni and unable to motivate myself re that but i'm feeling less stressed about my house. Still kills me having to let a baby cry and i feel like some days i barely get up off the floor from between their bouncers where i'm constantly cuddling one til it stops crying then starting on the next one but we're getting there