Neglect, squalor, both but not neither

[SleepingStandingUp]

I feel like that's my life choices.

DH only gone back off extended pat leave today and I already feel like a failure.

If I want to clean I have to focus on feed them get them to sleep so I can tidy, wash up overnight bottles, get the washing on, etc.
But then I'm neglecting their needs and not interacting enough.

Or I sit and cuddles them, feed them but then no bottles get washed, I don't eat or drink, house isn't tidied.

I don't know how to find middle ground.

And I'm not even doing school run. Soon I'll be doing that which is 2 hours a day minimum.

Everyone else does it and copes. What's wrong with me?

Sleep is good for babies though, they need it grow and develop so don't feel bad for wanting them to be asleep so you can clean. How many bottles do you have? Are you able to get any more? I bought enough for 24 hours so that it would only need to be done once a day, I appreciate this isn't always possible though. Do you have any twin support groups near you? I know it probably sounds like the last thing that you want to do, but if you can make some contacts with others who understand and even just talk to them on WhatsApp going forward, it might really help. As for the naps, I know the ideal is to hold them but that sounds hard with 2, with one I could make a hot drink in a thermos and have some nibbles with a hand free; would they sleep in a bouncer now and then? It is hard, please don't feel bad for finding it hard.

They're tiny still. You're doing amazingly. Don't worry about the school run. They'll be different again in a weeks time and then a months time.

What helped me re bottle washing: buy a lot of bottles and a couple of sterilisers. Buy a special bottle brush and have somewhere to drain them. Have big tubs (washing up bowls etc) around the house to store and transport clean and dirty bottles. It's an investment but so worth it if you can do any of this.

Worry about the future spoils the now a bit, try to park the fears because every day that you get through, you're doing it!

Also at one month old you don't need to be playing with them. Just seeing you / hearing you while you wash up is enough.

We were on the same due in January thread Sleeping please don't worry about doing more stuff with the twins when they are awake, they can't be more than 2ish months old? I remember DS was still basically a (lovely) potato at that age.

1month old babies really don't need stimulation or playing with. Feed, 45mins maximum awake time, sleep, repeat. Awake time stick them on a playmate together with some toys. They really don't need tummy time or sensory boxes or whatever. Mostly they prefer black and white things at this age.

Seriously, no one is judging you except yourself.
Also make use of those 2 nans.

If you're using formula, buy a few days' worth of ready-prepared formula.

Oh gosh OP it's so hard, and so easy to believe everyone else is doing great. In reality they're not, we're all barely coping but plastering smiles on for the outside world.

Have you any good friends who will visit you at home? I found that great for getting a few little jobs done while they kept an eye on baby(s)

I've a 2 and a 1yr old so things are getting easier but those early days are an absolute killer. The guilt is massive and so real, but actually they don't need you 100% of the time they're awake. It's fine to leave them in a bouncer for a few mins if you're keeping a regular eye on them, it's fine if they cry while you're making yourself a hot cup of tea. You matter too. You sound like a lovely mum but overwhelmed which is TOTALLY NORMAL!

Triage! Do the vital stuff, sod the rest. DD is almost a year and our house certainly isn't spotless! With newborn twins and another child, getting through the day is an achievement. Do the things you need to survive and worry about the rest some other time. A messy house is not the end of the world. Just give food surfaces a wipe and try to stay on top of the washing and anything else is a bonus.

I've just had a similar conversation with my mom re how on earth do people keep the house looking like a show home with kids! they must never sit down. I have an 8mth old and a 3year old and my house is fairly clean but very messy. A normal day in our house is before 9 just breakfast and getting dressed no cleaning, when im back from preschool a quick load/unload dishwasher wipe kitchen top and maybe the same for the washing machine then the rest of the day is spent doing stuff with baby in or out of the house. From 3pm older one home so do a snack for him and start preparing evening meal alongside entertaining them both. DH home around 530 have meal straight away that takes till at least 615 then there's about an hour family time before we start bed and bath time baby asleep by 8pm but bigger ones a nightmare and usually doesn't go to sleep till about 930 but from about 830 we leave him to it and have our baths around 9 we do a quick tidy of the tea stuff clean bottles and maybe have half hour to an hour sit down before bed at 10pm. We usually spend an hour or two on Saturday morning doing a proper clean I'll do the bathroom DH does the kitchen and mops. We'll pick all the toys up and do a proper vac all over then by 5pm it looks like a bombsite again. My advice is not to worry about it too much, do what you can when you can

Sorry they're 1 month

Oh they are absolutely tiny. Cut yourself lots of slack. House does not need to be clean beyond the kitchen being suitable for preparing food and bottles. 1 month old babies do not need much entertaining. If twins were they born early? Feeding, sleep, nappy changes, bath every few days is all they need at this stage. Sleep as much as you can.

Can you throw money at the situation? You could maybe get a cleaner in. What about a mother's help, that might be a good option for you at the moment.

WRT your MIL, I suppose it depends on what she is essentially like. Mine is lovely but I did find her really annoying when the DC were younger because my fuse was so much shorter due to lack of sleep and stress. Now they are older I can let the (frankly minor) annoyances wash over me and I can laugh at them more. So I should have accepted more help from her than I did. But obviously some MILs are not as lovely and are even potentially harmful, only you know where on the continuum she is.

Hi
We had the same. It does get better, hang in there. You are doing really well getting them to sleep at the same time. We never really managed that, so hats off! Here are my tips, budget permitting:

1. Sort out a cleaner and/or someone who can help sort the never-ending washing in the morning.

1. If you don't have a dishwasher, buy an industrial microwave for sterilising bottles (we burnt out two bosches before we realised we need something stronger).

1. The bottles are never-ending, so get a few so you don't need fresh ones every couple of feeds. Moisturise your hands as they will be cracking from all the bottles washing.

1. For now, don't take on any other challenges like reusable nappies or milk expressing. You do no have time and will not get any sleep if you do.

1. Good call from a pp to buy ready made formula, as that is costly but saves sanity. Buy everything in bulk and get it delivered: nappies are cheaper in huge quantities.

1. It takes about two hours to get out of the house, so congratulate yourself if you manage it!

Good luck:-)

Jeez they are only a month old?
You are giving yourself such a hard time.
Just concentrate all your energy on your gorgeous babies.
As for the housework, do the bare minimum and get DH to help.
The guilt never goes away no matter what you do, so stop worrying. I still get it whenever I do the washing up for 5 minutes.
As for dinner, a slow cooker will be your best friend if you don't have one already.
As I type this I've not long just shoved a bolognaise in mine, using frozen veg so no chopping required.
As the months go on, everything will settle down and you will be able to start doing more.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are doing amazingly.

Hi, I also have newborn twins, they have just turned 10 weeks. It's very hard work but things will start to fall into place. I have 3 other children of varying ages too. For meals I keep it simple, I've also moved onto frozen veg for a bit. It saves time peeling and chopping! When you do cook, cook double that way you can freeze one meal for another day. I also use my slow cooker to throw stuff in a leave to do its things. You just need to do what you can to get by.

Have a look at this link as there is support available, you automatically qualify as you have twins-

www.home-start.org.uk/twins-triplets-and-many-children

Its a bit of a joke with my friend that my living room looks like a playgroup as i always have loads of toys out (and her hubby is ocd and has to have everything tidied away out of sight) so much so that if she comes and there's only a few baby toys out i have to send her a pic at 310 ti show its back to its normal messy self once the 3yr olds home. Ps she loves my house x

Choose sleep, food, and survival for you and babies. A bit of squalor and emotional neglect is par for the course when babies are tiny. It will get easier

Absolutely right, my granny (a very wise woman) used to say, "The housework will be there when the wains are reared." She was right, I've got a nice clean tidy house now but well remember the years when the housework was a minimum and sometimes babies we left to cry occasionally, not for long but long enough to me to stay sane.

It is early days OP so be kind to yourself, accept offers of help and remember you don't have to do a gourmet meal every day or even any day.

Could you afford to hire some help if the family support isn’t there (although definitely make it clear you need help and ask for it!)? Even just a local teenager or retiree to pop by and do some washing up and sort out laundry a few times per week? Or a childminder or nanny to help with school runs?

DH might be working, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still on household duties. He should be doing at least 50% of the chores.

I definitely agree with the sling suggestion, and don’t feel guilty when you need to put them down to get on with stuff. A playmat or bouncy chair isn’t going to do them any harm, and they even have each other for company!

See if there is a TAMBA support group locally. And contact Homestart, they may have a volunteer who can help for a couple of hours per week.

OP, sounds tough going. It’s always had getting into the swing of things with a new baby and it sounds like you have twins?

As you have no help, contact your local college that offers nursery nursery or childcare courses- apparently they often need local families for the trainee nannies to work with and gain experience with and it would help you to have an extra set of hands. Also try Homestart if it’s in your area, they have volunteers to come out and support mums.

You’re honestly doing fine, OP. Just do what you need to do to get by, lower your standards (with housework, entertaining the older child, and everything else) and if you feel your mental health starting to suffer please see the GP.

Above all, remember that it only gets easier from this point, hang on in there.x

When my daughter was a month old, I considered it a victory if I managed to get dressed, and that was one baby! Cut yourself a whole load of slack OP💐

You say you're washing 8 bottles... not by hand I hope? Have you a dishwasher? a dishwasher if you don't have one would be a lifesaver, even if only a slimline. Take out a cupboard if you need to, seriously - they're that lifesaving.

If you're washing bottles by hand but you do have one - stop! Put them in the steriliser after you wash in dishwasher.

You’re tired. You haven’t slept properly in weeks. You’re overwhelmed, you’re not thinking straight but this is not your first baby.
Back there, buried in your logical brain, under all the sleep deprivation, you KNOW this won’t be forever. It doesn’t matter if things get messy. There is no way to get through this feeling organised and serene. You have to let your standards slip for a bit and fight back at weekends and in the tiny chunks of time you do have.
Let go of any idealistic visions. This too shall pass.

They’re still so young! It sounds like you’re doing absolutely fine. Even one baby is full-on for the first 12 weeks or so.

Don’t worry about cleaning or tidying everything. Identify the crucial things you have to do and forget the rest.

I found having safe places to put baby (or babies in your case) in various rooms helped eg a vibrating chair in the kitchen so I could do the dishes, etc, while I talked to baby and baby watched.

But mainly, don’t be so hard on yourself.

Also, have you got a freezer? How much space? Is there anywhere you can stow a small additional one?

Join the Batch cooking made simple group on Facebook, it was a real game changer for me on mat leave and is still so useful even now I'm back at work. One evening you and dh working together can get SO many dinners prepped and then just defrost as you need.

Mate! Its not squalor and its not neglect! It's a house with loved babies in. Give yourself a break. All the babies need is food and love and you're doing that bit.
Honestly if I had my time again I would NOT CLEAN when the baby (one at a time in my case) slept. I would go on MN or watch TV or snooze or go for a walk if they are in the pram. I know a messy house is depressing but it will never be clean for long so make your peace with it and prioritise: 1. You 2. the kids 3. your partner
YOU ARE EVERYTHING THEY NEED AND YOU ARE DOING REALLY WELL

You don't need to do lots. It's fine not to do any folding for example, do easy dinners. Sleep is a lot more important than cleaning!

When my dd was a baby my dh worked away and I had to remind myself that it's ok for Babies to cry sometimes so long as you know they are safe. I used to put dd safely in the cot and go for a shower, she learned that I'd soon be back and didn't cry, I popped her in the push chair while I put something in the slow cooker, she could see me, I talked to her whilst I did jobs. The house often looked like a disaster zone because I was tired, so if she slept I slept.
Be kind to yourself. What your dc need is a mum who isn't on the edge if insanity by putting too much pressure on herself, it's going to be a tough year or so but then it'll start to get easier, allow standards to slip and be good enough.

When I had two very young babies and also the school run to do I did a lot of short cuts. I bought ready prepared food like bags of casserole veg and just threw it all in the oven at lunchtime nap. Or some chicken breast and jar of curry into the slow cooker. I bought ready grated cheese, ready made mash, frozen jacket potatoes.

Everyday for a few months I just about managed the basics around the house. Dishes, washing and a quick hoover round. Ironing went out the window and so did other larger cleaning tasks. I even bought ready made formula for some feeds!