Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To disagree with Relate counsellor regarding DH?

126 replies

noneedtoberudedear · 15/01/2020 20:35

Quick back ground...

DH moved out at the start of December. Things hadn’t been good for a while, arguing etc. He has had depression for some time and is now under the care of an early intervention psychosis team.
We have 15 month old twins and I didn’t want him to leave.

I had arranged Relate counselling for us before he moved out. Unfortunately this has not been going well. We are currently having to go in separately as when we go in together we get nowhere! Counsellor agrees that DH isn’t in a place where joint counselling is going to have any positive affect. This is bitterly disappointing for me as I’d really hoped it would help us.

However counsellor has also told me that she feels it would be best if I don’t mention any of my personal feelings to DH when he comes to see DC. Pretty much saying that he can’t cope with it right now.

I honestly feel like I’m going to explode because there are several
Issues that are really upsetting me and now I feel like I can’t address them because DH ‘can’t cope’ For example, he’s only seeing them twice a week despite working ten minutes away from the house. He acted before he moved out like he would stay in regular contact but in reality I don’t hear from him for days on end and he takes almost zero interest in how I am. I originally was ringing/texting him regularly but gave up as I realised it was totally one sided. He never even texts to ask how the babies are in between seeing them!
AIBU to think it’s unfair that I’m being told to pretty much let him off the hook because he can’t handle it? I just feel so furious and upset all the time and I feel I have no one to turn toSad

OP posts:
Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 15/01/2020 20:38

Don’t know how the vote thing ended up on this. Please ignore it!

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/01/2020 20:39

Sorry you’re going through this.

Sounds like your relationship with your H is over, and that for whatever reasons you’re unlikely to get positive responses from telling him how you feel. Best focus on practicalities like the DC.

You’re not at all U to want him to do more parenting, but many fathers, post breakup, do hardly any or none. Their failure. V sad and unfair. You can’t make him be a decent parent.

It doesn’t sound good practice for your counsellor to see you both separately. Suggest stopping seeing her and getting counselling alone with someone not seeing your ex.

TheRealShatParp · 15/01/2020 20:40

OP, I’m sorry you’re long through this at the moment.
If he is under an EIP team then he cannot be well, so I think I agree with your counsellor. It’s not about letting him off the hook, it’s about giving him time to recover and get better. If they are querying psychosis then it’s probably a very difficult, scary and lonely time for him.

Dozer · 15/01/2020 20:40

Given his decision about your relationship and MH issues he’s unlikely to be able to do the things you’d like.

Namechanger212333333333 · 15/01/2020 20:42

His mental health sounds bad, if he is under early intervention team ...maybe she knows more about how he is feeling than you do so that’s why she has said this?
He could be at a point where this would tip him over the edge?

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 15/01/2020 20:42

It never occurred to me that it’s not good practice @Dozer. I actually really liked her when we saw her together, but now the thought of her seeing us both separately makes me feel odd. I struggle to see how she’ll be able to stay totally impartial?

She says that she feels my DH has no idea what he wants and therefore joint counselling isn’t going to work. I’m inclined to agree with her but it’s just the having to grin and bear DH behaviour that is killing me. I feel so utterly alone and rejected.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 15/01/2020 20:43

It sounds like you're having a tough time, but so is he. If he actually had a break down, would you be wanting to push it?

Maybe the counsellor thinks he might be close!

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 15/01/2020 20:44

I think I’m also in denial regarding the severity of his illness. I just can’t quite get my head around it all. It’s too much to deal with while caring for toddler twins.
I did say to her last week that I sometimes wonder if he might kill himself and she certainly didn’t seem shocked!

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 15/01/2020 20:45

I dont think id be encouraging any involvement from him at all at the moment. Let the early intervention psychosis team focus on him.

I wouldn't be planning on him returning home either. You've enough to do with twins.

Also I agree about changing counsellors.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 15/01/2020 20:46

@CalleighDoodle He wants to come and see them though (on his own terms) I don’t want to stop him as I think it will make things worse.

OP posts:
MayFayner · 15/01/2020 20:46

I’d be really angry in your shoes too OP.

I think I’d try to formalise access.

Arrowfanatic · 15/01/2020 20:47

I dont think a relationship counsellor would give that kind of advice unless she felt he was at a real risk of spiralling out of control.

MayFayner · 15/01/2020 20:48

Sorry, x-post. Maybe, but then he has you over a barrel a bit, doesn’t he. I agree with calligh tbh.

BrickTop999 · 15/01/2020 20:49

He has had depression for some time and is now under the care of an early intervention psychosis team

This is very serious. He is very ill. His MH will be the main priority until he is better to deal with family issues

ShawshanksRedemption · 15/01/2020 20:49

OP your DH cannot cope. It's not a choice, mental illness is that, illness. Anyone who suffers with mental illness will tell you they'd rather be well - your DH doesn't want to be unwell. You do understand that, don't you? I ask as your post gives the impression your DH is choosing his behaviour.

Your DH needs time to recover from his illness before he can then be an effective parent (and maybe partner, to you). Once he has recovered, then that's when joint counselling would take place, should you both still want to.

I can totally understand how angry you are at the situation, at how unfair and lonely and isolated it must be for you. It's just not your DHs fault he's ill.

Have you got other people around you to help - friends or family?

Namechanger212333333333 · 15/01/2020 20:50

The thing is mental health isn’t rationale, it doesn’t make sense at the time.
As hard as it is I think you just have to rid it out..... the twins will never remember this period of time although you will.

Once he seeks some help things will get better

Littlebluebird123 · 15/01/2020 20:50

What a difficult situation for you both.
I would agree with pp poster though, I don't think he is able to do what you need. He sounds quite unwell. MH is hard to see as an illness as the person can look ok and have moments of being ok, but they're not.
My DH has suffered with depression for years and during a particularly dark time I couldn't speak to him about anything nor rely on him for anything. It was hard. I had to give him the space to recover though. And find other ways for me to have support and time out to keep myself well.
Have you got any other support?

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 15/01/2020 20:50

@MayFayner I honestly don’t think he could cope with formal access arrangements right now.

I just wish I could talk to him and actually get somewhere. It’s so hard because I know it won’t have the effect I want if I do. I feel like the only possible way of getting my husband back is by swallowing my own feelings. It’s just utterly shit!

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2020 20:51

It sounds like your DH is seriously unwell. Do you know if he has a diagnosis or treatment?

I don't think the counsellor is 'letting him off the hook' but being realistic that he needs to get well first. I know what it is like to have a baby and young child with a mentally unwell husband so I have a lot of sympathy for you - it is tough. But pushing him to do more than he can cope with could make him more unwell. This doesn't mean he doesn't love the babies (or even you) but he is just very unwell. When I had a massive mental breakdown 2 years ago I saw my DC for an hour once a week. I was just so unwell. And I love them more than anything.

peachgreen · 15/01/2020 20:51

I think you need to prioritise finding yourself support from elsewhere. It's an awful situation and I feel so sorry for you but I don't think your husband is in a position to be able to help right now.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 15/01/2020 20:52

@Littlebluebird123 I’m sorry you’ve been through this as wellFlowers

I have my parents. I feel so guilty atm though as they are doing so much to help me and they are no spring chickens.

I have some good friends but obviously people are busy with their own lives. I get a bit sick of people telling me ‘I’ve got this’ ‘I’m amazing’ etc. I feel
Like I’m barely holding it together right now.

OP posts:
withgraceinmyheart · 15/01/2020 20:52

I agree with pp that it might be better to stop seeing her and get some independent support for yourself.

So sorry you’re going through this Flowers

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/01/2020 20:53

I think I’m also in denial regarding the severity of his illness.

I think this is why you disagree with the counsellor. Psychosis is not a mild illness. He will be lucky to keep his job.

Regardless of his illness, when he comes to see the DC it should be about him interacting with them, not having to have a discussion with you about your feelings. It can’t be a nice conversation, and it’s not one that should be done in front of the DC at all.

SpruceTree · 15/01/2020 20:53

Your husband is very poorly. It's a very hard situation for both of you. Can you get any more support? Would it help if you considered your husband's mental illness more along the lines of a physical illness? Try and give him sone time to recover before any big decisions are made. It may be that twice a week with the 2 children is all he can manage at the moment.

Trainwardrobe · 15/01/2020 20:54

Early intervention teams sometimes have clinicians that offer/are trained in family therapy/intervention. With your DH’s permission they might be more specialist to help you both than the relate therapist ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread