To disagree with Relate counsellor regarding DH?

[noneedtoberudedear]

Quick back ground...

DH moved out at the start of December. Things hadn’t been good for a while, arguing etc. He has had depression for some time and is now under the care of an early intervention psychosis team.
We have 15 month old twins and I didn’t want him to leave.

I had arranged Relate counselling for us before he moved out. Unfortunately this has not been going well. We are currently having to go in separately as when we go in together we get nowhere! Counsellor agrees that DH isn’t in a place where joint counselling is going to have any positive affect. This is bitterly disappointing for me as I’d really hoped it would help us.

However counsellor has also told me that she feels it would be best if I don’t mention any of my personal feelings to DH when he comes to see DC. Pretty much saying that he can’t cope with it right now.

I honestly feel like I’m going to explode because there are several
Issues that are really upsetting me and now I feel like I can’t address them because DH ‘can’t cope’ For example, he’s only seeing them twice a week despite working ten minutes away from the house. He acted before he moved out like he would stay in regular contact but in reality I don’t hear from him for days on end and he takes almost zero interest in how I am. I originally was ringing/texting him regularly but gave up as I realised it was totally one sided. He never even texts to ask how the babies are in between seeing them!
AIBU to think it’s unfair that I’m being told to pretty much let him off the hook because he can’t handle it? I just feel so furious and upset all the time and I feel I have no one to turn to

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can identify with quite a lot of what you’ve written and have experienced similar and it is so hard. I think it must feel like you are expected to carry all the burden and yet keep your own needs hidden at a time when more than ever you need support. It’s not fair, it’s really not. The unfairness is unavoidable but is frustrating and heartbreaking.

Yeah, it’s not your husband’s fault that he’s ill (although mine liked to use it as a fallback excuse for unrelated shitty behaviour) but you don’t have to like it. Please look after yourself first because you are carrying all the work of parenting and of holding up the relationship. It may be that detaching from your husband and walking away turns out to be a way forward. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Please know that, if your marriage is ending, life can and does gets better. The relief of “only” having yourself and your children to care about is actual a positive thing. I wish you strength and energy.

I’m very concerned that a councillor is seeing someone who is also being treated for psychosis.

Why?
He is under care for the psychosis and the reason he is seeing relate are regarding his relationship.

Counsellors know what clients they can see in regards to their mental health.

Relate counsellors work within an ethical framework.

A lot of this post resonates with me.
My ex had mental health problems but as well as this (he says because of this of course) treated me like shit. I was so lonely for years. Had no relationship. First I was sad then became angry. There was no one for me.

You're not unreasonable. People are ready to support people who have a diagnosed mental health illness, less so with someone who doesn't have that

Yeah, unfortunately due to circumstances out of everyone's control you've found yourself in a seriously naff position, and my heart breaks for you! Anger, frustration and resentment I imagine are very valid and natural feelings towards this whole thing, however none of this has been done purposefully. It's not like he's had an affair or been abusive, what you're going through is absolutely not been done on purpose, and has been caused by a breakdown of his mental health

I think it's time for some self preservation, you're also negatively impacted by this situation, so I agree with some others in saying maybe leave the therapist, and find a new one, completely impartial, to help you heal and move forward. At the moment, you need to focus on minimising the impact on you and your children, and leave your husband to the health professionals taking care of him, if there is someone else who can supervise when he sees the children so that you can have some space but still get piece of mind that your children are ok.

Concentrate on getting to the end of each day for now, things will get easier for you, however this all pans out ♥️

Relate counsellors aren’t always this fucking useless. Please get someone who can focus on you. You need someone of your side. Even you are not on your side, you are seeing it from his point of view. He doesn’t see it from yours

I think you need to get your own therapist - someone that you can talk to openly about your feelings and who will help you deal with them. Someone who is also seeing your husband will not really help - because they know too much, and you will feel judged.

You need to come up with some formal type of contact for the DC - could his mother supervise? As your DC are so little in his present mental state he probably shouldn't have them alone. But equally if he's left your home then that should become your safe space, and not be invaded by him.

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've worked with people with Psychosis for many years in various different settings and it's a cruel illness. Not just for the sufferer, but for those who care for them.

It's impossible to say whether your DH's decision to withdraw from your marriage is a direct result of his illness or whether he was already unhappy in the relationship before he became unwell. He is unlikely to know the answer to that himself at the moment as his Psychosis will prevent him from being able to think clearly and his perception of events, memories and the world around him may be skewed or change from day to day. So while he is unwell, as hard as it is, I think you need to accept that your hopes of working on your marriage are not realistic.

Instead, prioritise accessing support for yourself. Lean on friends or family who you trust, allow them to help if they are willing. Have a look at the websites for the charities Mind and Rethink. Both have a lot of useful and accurate information about Psychosis and if you contact them they will be able to signpost you to support groups for carers/relatives of people with MH issues. Although you are not currently in a caring role, you are most certainly adversely affected by your DH's illness and therefore should be able to access that support.

@Daisy62 has some good advice. You need help and support from one of the mental health charities. You could also do with some help with your babies - is there a Homestart in your area you could get referred to? (ask HV)

If the counsellor saw you both initially as a couple, it is unethical of her to now see you both separately as it is a conflict of interest precisely because of the instance in which she told you not to talk about your feelings with DH.
This seems like a breach of confidentiality, that whilst not explicit, is implicit. Clearly having worked with your partner the counsellor has knowledge of his state of mind and has now communicated that to you in a roundabout way. The counsellor here shows bias in trying to influence your interaction with your DH. You can see the conflict of interest here. Also having said that to you, what might they say about you to your DH?

Ideally you would both now be seeing different counsellors if you are going to continue separately.

Sorry I see that I assumed the counsellor was female?

"I dont think a relationship counsellor would give that kind of advice unless she felt he was at a real risk of spiralling out of control"

Stick Relate in the MN search engine.

I'm actually surprised that Relate as an organisation would even allow this to happen.

You need to focus on yourself and your two babies. I know that this situation must feel like a betrayal after your long planned ivf babies, I think on your last thread you wrote that you also had mh problems. So please make sure that you look after yourself.

It is good that your dh has a professional team around him. Is he engaging with them this time? I think you mentioned that last time he failed to follow the treatment plan? So hopefully this time is better.

Sadly I don't think he is ever going to be the dad that your babies need or the husband that you need. From your other thread he seems to put more effort into computer games and going to band practice than the family he has created.

It is going to be very hard but I think you have to accept that he is gone - probably forever. You need to look after yourself so that you can care for the babies. That includes placing some boundaries on his behaviour. He wanted to move out and initiated the separation - so don't let him drift in and out of your home/lives - agree set days for him to see the kids. He manages to get to work and band practice so he should be able to manage a contact schedule.

Good luck

people especially in the current climte are not put unde crissi team intervention if they dont need it.and if hes been with them for 6months then he is seriously seriously ill.
alongside the confusion of diognossis the symtom you mention of disassociation,not being able to be tied down on times or only being able to do the bits he can and coming and going sound all the symtoms of this illness and someone struggling with mental health.
he wont be able to sometimes put his socks on never mind have headspace to be a good dad.and if he is a good man this wil be hurting him as much as it is you.
i know from your side its terribly pianful.and it doent take away the hit situation and how it feels.but dont blame him.unless he is a dick who has a mental health problem on top,he is simply ill.and it can change beahviour and make the sufferer not in a good place.it can seem quite selfish from the outside.when really they have such little ability to think with their minds fulls of the terrors of the illness. so to think of others is often impossible.
think of some of the worst physical illness,ones that are often fatal,and painful. well this is essentially what he has,its just so hard to sometimes see this with mental health.because they arent falling apart in the body it can be hard to see the devastation within the person
for whatevr reason though you now dont feel comfortable with your therapist it sounds?so you need to seek someone else.
it can be really really hard on the family to live with.it takes so much strength to stick by them and take some god awful knackering times but it can gt better.and you can learn to live alongide it and no each trigger points and what makes it work for your family.but it does take time.and it sounds like he is spiralling right now and cant give you that.
sorry your struggling.i would try outside of him now to get yoruself respite,help,support.
dont give up.but keep yourself well right now in the ways you can.

Tough as it will be I think you have to back off while he is so I'll.

I get your frustration and anger but you need to back off. Your H is very unwell and you can’t make him better and he isn’t in a position to support you. You shouldn’t swallow your feelings either but your H can’t support you and him leaving was the right decision for both of you.

Your children need both their parents to prioritise their MH’s. Which means you need solo counselling not marriage counselling.

I feel for you, you have it all on your plate!

You need your own counsellor/ing.

What has he always been like? I mean you were going to relate, for what reasons, is this current behaviour an escalation of what you were already dealing with?

Has this seemed like him not coping ever since the twins came along and now it's just worse, or an illness that has struck out of the blue?

Dont rely on Relate being the consummate professionals. I've heard some pretty awful catastrophes of their counsellors trying to hold abusive relationships in a way that keeps traumatising the victim. Relate are in way over their heads trying to counsel a psychotic patient, and sadly, many dont recognise this.

Its no longer appropriate for you to see the same one. You need your own independent one for you. One counsellor shouldn't be seeing you both separately.

Heay have expressed harmful thoughts toward you or himself.

If he has been aggressive to you in your relationship be very cautious, as they would not be at libeety to share what he has told them and you have been shut out without support.

No wonder you feel angry, frustrated, upset, and fed up.

It important that you only offer what you can in terms of access. I mean, although he's ill, you need to stay well for your dc and not be pushed around and coerced (feel emotionally blackmailed I mean) into complying when its not good timing for you, i.e. needing a rest, middle of meal times, having relaxing time with a friend, or whatever it may be. Your health matters first and foremost because your dc now only have you to depend on. Being strong in this means putting your needs as a priority so you can manage well.

Thinking of you take care of yourself

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation op. It must be so tough for you with two babies to care for.

The fact is, your DH is very unwell, as pp have said. He needs help, not criticism. He will be feeling bad enough, with out you giving him more pressure.

He CAN’T parent right now. No matter what you say/do....he just CAN’T. You need to except this, and understand that you mustn’t blame him for being ill.
I feel for you both 💐

Definitely look for a local support group. My sister has MH issues and they are really helpful and supportive.

It doesn't matter that he has moved out and so you don't have a direct caring role - my sister doesn't live with me.

I am able to access 6 sessions of talking therapy. They also offer things like discounted yoga sessions, personal training etc.

I also go to a family support group for relatives and they have guest speakers in. That's really useful to speak to other people in the same position.

OP do you still want to be with him? You really dont have to carry this burden all alone and feel that you have to stay in this marriage. He is very unwell and cant help it, but you also need to think of your own mental well being as well.

@Herocomplex - yes, it was very strange.
@SanFranBear - yes, it must be so painful for the OP.

I hope the advice on this thread has been useful to you, OP. I hope you can get some support for this very difficult time

I think unfortunately your dh is too ill to take responsibility. If he is under the EIP team his grip on reality is likely to be shaky. I think unfortunately your counsellor isn’t right.

I think that unfortunately, he is so ill that even if you lived together, he wouldn’t be able to function as an equal partner. I think you need to find other places for support. There’s no point in voicing your feelings to him as you aren’t going to get what you need and it’s going to impact his mental illness.

I do think you should continue to facilitate him seeing the dc as much as he is able because that is in their interests.

Sorry, that should read your counsellor is right, not isn’t!

I’m in agreement though that there is a conflict of interests with your counsellor seeing both of you for individual counselling