To disagree with Relate counsellor regarding DH?

[noneedtoberudedear]

Quick back ground...

DH moved out at the start of December. Things hadn’t been good for a while, arguing etc. He has had depression for some time and is now under the care of an early intervention psychosis team.
We have 15 month old twins and I didn’t want him to leave.

I had arranged Relate counselling for us before he moved out. Unfortunately this has not been going well. We are currently having to go in separately as when we go in together we get nowhere! Counsellor agrees that DH isn’t in a place where joint counselling is going to have any positive affect. This is bitterly disappointing for me as I’d really hoped it would help us.

However counsellor has also told me that she feels it would be best if I don’t mention any of my personal feelings to DH when he comes to see DC. Pretty much saying that he can’t cope with it right now.

I honestly feel like I’m going to explode because there are several
Issues that are really upsetting me and now I feel like I can’t address them because DH ‘can’t cope’ For example, he’s only seeing them twice a week despite working ten minutes away from the house. He acted before he moved out like he would stay in regular contact but in reality I don’t hear from him for days on end and he takes almost zero interest in how I am. I originally was ringing/texting him regularly but gave up as I realised it was totally one sided. He never even texts to ask how the babies are in between seeing them!
AIBU to think it’s unfair that I’m being told to pretty much let him off the hook because he can’t handle it? I just feel so furious and upset all the time and I feel I have no one to turn to

@Nanny0gg - my DH carried on working for many years with very severe and complex schizophrenia. In some ways he was completely in touch with reality and in other ways not atall. It ofcourse fluctuated as he went from heading into a psychotic episode and then recovering from it. You would see him and think there was nothing wrong...but you would have no idea what I was having to deal with at home.

I’m very concerned that a councillor is seeing someone who is also being treated for psychosis.

@Herocomplex - why?

Hi OP - it sounds extremely difficult for you. it is not fair that your husband has mental health problems and you have in effect been left as a single parent of toddler twins as a consequence. No wonder you are angry. And frankly I would feel the same as you even though I know poor mental health is never a choice. However, your husband is doing what he needs to do to survive and is getting support. You seem to be getting v little to help you.

Although it is hard, I think for your own mental health you are going to need to withdraw from the situation / him and focus on what you need / get support for yourself. You are going to have to be extremely selfish as you cannot take on responsibility for his mental health, nor the choices he has made, even if he has made them while unwell.

I would see if anyone else could be there when he visits the twins so that you aren't seeing him and all the painful emotions aren't being suppressed. And it is not your responsibility to make these visits go well - it is your responsibility to ensure that your twins are looked after and if you feel that these visits are too upsetting for them you will have to take advice. Please do speak to your GP and try to get some counselling just for you.

Is your husband still contributing to the household financially? It is too soon to say if your marriage is over but it would be prudent to make sure that your own financial and legal position is secure, as it sounds like you are going to be the main carer for the twins even if your husband gets well and your marriage survives.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but IME there can be plenty of support for people with mental health problems, but not so much for family / those affected.

Councillor is right. YABU

I would ask if you can talk to his team. Tell them that to you he doesn’t seem ill. That all you see is a man who had time for hobbies and fun and none for his small babies and struggling wife, who goes to work (the impression I get) and spends lots of time meeting with female colleagues and tells you his life isn’t his business. Tell them to you it doesn’t feel like mental health, just another asshole guy who’s abandoned his wife with baby twins. If you let some of your very real frustration out perhaps they will explain better. If not you will probably feel a bit better anyway! And try the same with your therapist who needs to hear how YOU feel.

Have they got experience of working safely with clients with psychosis? Unless they’re part of a multidisciplinary team with full access to treatment plans how can they treat him ethically?

Sorry, that was to @UndertheCedartree

*@SanFranBear
My oh has mh issues and can be planning to take his life, completely unable to function within our relationship yet he can go to work and take care of his dc.

He has a mask that work and the dc can't see through. I can see through it and actually this in itself causes issues. He can't hide from me and that for him in his ill state of mind is terrifying.
Mh is so horribly complex

It might be if he is genuinely ill that he's being encouraged or personally trying to do things he enjoys or that provide social support, and to hold onto his employment as best he can. This is the sort of thing that's good to do as it supports recovery and independence. They are probably easier things for him to do than dealing with his disintegrating marriage and two very young children, too.

Plus, being a shit person and being mentally ill are not mutually exclusive states, so it could equally be a combination. Either way, he's absolutely no use to OP or the children currently and no point directly raising grievances if he's that awful, either.

Very possibly Cedar although his past behaviour (sorry to bring up previous threads as I know it's bad form) did not really support this. I got the impression he just wanted out and MH issues seemed quite convenient as he got the space and sympathy he wanted without having to step up even slightly.

Anyways, I really hope he is genuine (what an awful thing for me to write) as then hopefully, there will come a point whereby he will re-engage with you as a family, noneed..

*@timeisnotaline
My oh can look like a selfish asshole, who can go to work and do his hobbies but not always be present in our relationship.

The reality is he has to function this way. He needs to work for obvious reasons and the routine is helpful for him. It feels safe.

The hobbies are how he tries to manage his mh issues. Better choice than some who often choose alcohol, drugs, etc to cope.

I believe my oh. I know he wouldn't choose to neglect me. I know he loves me and I trust him. Things are not always what they appear on the surface.

I really do think that you need to seek a counsellor for YOU. Your OH is seriously mentally ill, and thankfully receiving treatment.

My OH is psychotic and delusional most of the time - he is in a nursing home because he is also seriously physically disabled - and so much medical and other professional time is devoted, quite rightly, to him. But here am I - seething with total misery and frustration some days, having to deal with serious financial problems and house sale by myself.

I have sought help for ME. I need support; I need somewhere to let off steam; I need to be linked to someone who has my interests at heart, rather than my OH's - his needs are being met (as best they can in the current state of medical knowledge) but I am left adrift with a broken marriage (in the sense that we are living apart) and a desire not to burden my family with all my woes.

Please seek counselling for you - it is not all about your OH, even though he is the sick one. Having to hold back on your own feelings and on your own needs is very hard.

I do sympathise with your plight and hope very much that you can get help in your own right.

One night I rang the Samaritans - I was not suicidal, but on the verge of exploding - they were truly wonderful to me and helped me out of a temporary pit. They said they were happy to be a place for me to let of steam and talk things through.

It does sound like your DH is incapable of doing what you want him to. You've been in denial about the seriousness of his illness and that seems to have, to some extent, stopped you from looking for the support you need elsewhere.

I think you need to let your DH get on with sorting himself out if he can and start to focus on detaching from him and seeking the support you need (and you do need support) for you and your children elsewhere. A different counsellor, who isn't compromised by her consideration of your DH, and more material support. Don't expect him to come round more often, but if it's detrimental to you and the babies to have him round the way he currently is - put some rules around that that are more balanced.

You might also consider telling his parents what is actually going on if that will get you more support. This is your and your children's lives too, you don't have to keep quiet about it just because he doesn't want it talked about. I'm not suggesting you spread gossip, just that you don't shy away from talking about the facts that are making your life hard if talking about them will get you the support you need.

I really feel for your and your poor child. Your child must be so confused and distressed missing their father, suprised they're not acting out/behaving differently.
I you have my deepest sympathies trying to juggle this new life as a single parent with someone who barely communicates with his family.
It's time to put your happiness and welfare first. Allocate time/location for supervised visits with your child as often as you feel appropriate.
I would also go no contact with your husband, all supervised contact could be with a different relative etc and you need to change counsellors so you have no contact with him, you need to heal and grieve the end of the relationship so you stay well to continue parenting.
Speak to a solicitor about how to manage finances and think about your future as if he's not coming back.

@Herocomplex - yes, it would seem that the marriage guidance isn't the best fit at the moment and yes it makes sense what you say. One rubbish CPN suggested my DH and I go to marriage guidance when he was delusional and thinking I had cheated on him. I couldn't understand how it could work if we couldn't even agree on the 'facts'. My DH had counselling (through MH team) for a year when he was delusional too and I thought it must make it difficult for the counsellor but presumably she knew what he was doing. I was hoping for him to get CBT to help with the delusions but it never happened as he would go on the waiting list when well enough to do it - but by the time he was offered it he was never well enough.

I share the opinion above, that you should be able to talk to your and his family about this - you cannot carry it on your own. His family need to know what is really going on.

@SanFranBear - I know people thought that about DH too. But in hindsight it was him 'turning in on himself' if that makes sense - I don't know how to describe it. But your inner world becomes so important unfortunately you can look extremely selfish while actually being very unwell.

You have the wrong kind of counsellor

You chose Relate joint marriage counselling because you booked when he was not obviously in psychosis, he was living with you and it seemed like typical marriage problems.

Now you need to find a counsellor with experience of supporting wives of men who are having his kind of breakdown. Try the BACP website.

That’s so shocking to me @UndertheCedartree that you would be advised to do that. It’s just not ethical in my opinion.

As far as I’m concerned the guidance is that the most pressing need is prioritised, and a referral to a specialist would be made. It’s part of the boundaried relationship a therapist has with a client.

It’s not good practice at all to see you both separately. I haven’t had a good experience of relate after they pushed that DH and I had to have ‘difficulties’ when he was cheating, and insinuating when I said our sex life was good, that’s maybe it was ‘good for me but not for him’?

So... not always good counseling!

But... psychosis is pretty serious. Your DH will be in a bad bad way.

I do think no discussions between you and you just back off totally. Make seeing the children very ‘clean’, as in, him just seeing the children.

Whatever the future holds, you are basically on your own at the moment. You don’t have a relationship and until he’s been stable and in recovery for a good while, you cannot hope to talk about your marriages future.

It’s very very tough on you. You need supports and I’d be considering any finances and getting some time for you. I don’t know what your finances are? If you can afford it, get a cleaner, get childcare, get another counselor from another organization.

You can't both see the same counsellor individually - i'm pretty sure that goes against the ethical guidelines for the BACP/NCS

I've only read page one. As somebody who is long term medicated on antidepressants and had post natal psychosis - your husband is very ill and cannot possibly judge his response to the emotional fall out from your break up - because his thoughts are not necessarily his thoughts - if that makes sense!

He does need counselling separately and it make take him a long long time to get well.

If you did get him back now, it wouldn't be the 'real' him IYSWIM.

All the best, you can do this and make sure somebody is there for YOU.

Thank you for sharing, Cedar. I haven't lived this as you have so am probably being unduly harsh. noneed just sounds in so much pain.

I think there is some excellent advice on this thread for you, noneed - especially around finding a new counsellor who is there for you and you alone. I also think speak with his family may give you some additional support as two, teeny twins is an awful lot for anyone without all this additional strain. Look after yourself

He's dropping out of adult responsibilities which he has, no matter how ill he is - he needs to have a plan for doing his share of parenting.

Fucking hell. Did you miss the part where OP said he has a Psychotic illness?

He's not just feeling a bit down in the dumps. He will be hearing voices, seeing things that aren't there, he is likely to be paranoid and questioning what's real and what's not almost continually. People with Psychosis often believe that someone is actually 'stealing' their thoughts, trying to plant thoughts in their head or that others can hear their thoughts. They often believe that things being broadcast over the TV, radio or social media are actually messages intended just for them. I've worked with people with Psychosis who genuinely believed that they were being spied on by government agencies, that they possessed 'superhuman' abilities that meant they could perform extremely risky feats without consequence, or in the very sad case of one young woman that she was infected with a deadly illness that would be immediately passed onto anyone who touched her. One of the saddest things about Psychosis is that people often struggle for months or even years without telling a soul because they don't understand what's happening to them, let alone feel able to explain it to anyone else.
Perhaps that's not surprising when there is such a stigma surrounding mental ill health that even in this day and age they are still expected to 'pull themselves together' and 'get on with it'.