To not let DSS move back home

[Sweetpeach3]

Long time poster please don't want any shitty comments just some advice

Basically DSS moved in with me when I met his dad - 7 years ago
Last year he got his own flat (soon as he turned 18) and moved out, due to circumstances he lost his job and ended up on benefits ( his rent went into arrears until it was sorted) he started back work an got laid beginning of the NY as it was only a Christmas position an they havnt any places now an now he isn't allowed to claim benefits for some reason we cannot work out so he's no source of income.

The flat is through the local council and as far as I'm aware of if he's in arrears over 500 they claim it straight from benefits but they clearly can't do this so he's going to be evicted or am I wrong ? He's nearly 1500 in arrears (don't have a fucking clue how) we personally think he's been spending the rent money when he's been paid on clothes an going out etc as we've had to pay his gas an electric a few times an buy him food.... isn't ideal at all and I'm pissed off with it as he thinks everything is for free an worn catch up with him but it has an he is going to loose the flat in the next month or so if he hasn't already (he won't speak to us since we found all this out Friday)

He has nothin to do with his mum unless it suits her (she's got 7 kids in care she's another bloody story) but it's always been me an his dad, iv got 2 toddlers and a 2 weeks old baby plus 3 other SC to think of

His dad suggested he moves back home but this means he shares a room with my 3YO on the top floor, he stayed over Christmas an it was hard work. He was up and down all night like a yo-yo so Ds was up aswel, he just lounges around when he has the chance an then we've no personal or private space anymore nor does he an he will want his new girlfriend around all the time as well as his DD who I'm then left to sort after and feed....

I clearly said I wasn't happy at all of the idea as it's me left with him all day an the extra laundry and picking up after an the rest of it. His dad then suggested he moves into my house until we can sort it an he keep an eye on him
it's around the corner from Dps house. Mine is only rented and tbh their isn't much he could ruin unlike the house we live in
(mine is private rented an I paid a year upfront when me an DP was havin a bad time, I didn't want the kids around it but we've sorted things but theirs still rent left so iv got it for 3 months ish so at the end of my tenancy he has the option to keep renting himself if he sorted himself out) it's fully furnished with everything their like sky and the bills paid etc so it is an option

I just feel like why the fuck are we helping him out again when he just cuts us off willy nilly, I don't want him here but I don't want him take the piss at my house an ruin it then I'm left in the shit ?
When these things happen his mum suddenly comes in the scene trying to act the hero an he craves his mums attention so I personally think let his mum sort it for once. She's got no kids to look after an she's never done anythin for him so help him now? Then he will see how much we do for him and MAYBE be greatful for what he's got an had

I duno I feel my hormones aren't great atm and I feel a total bitch for feelin this way towards him but he's out us through a lot and I mean a lot of shit, I just cba with the stress of him anymore? AIBU?

I’d be tempted to move back into the rented house with your little one or tell the DP you don’t want DSS moving back in to let his son fall on his arse, as it might be the only way to teach him some bloody responsibility for himself! But then I plough a hard row.

Did I read right that you wind up looking after DSS daughter, too?! He sounds awful. I’m not surprised you don’t want him back. He’s an adult and needs to grow up. Especially if he’s a father.

Just pay the arrears it’ll be easier

@Winterwoollies thank you atLeast I'm not being a utter bitch if people agree with me. Don't get me wrong he can be so helpful if his phones dead or he's getting somethin haha but other then that it's a no go....
he has these fases were he goes missing an ant speak or contact us for a few week then he's on the scene then same again. So when this happens I used to get dumped this his daughter who's 2 same age as my DD on the days he was ment to have her an eventually I stopped as it isn't my place to and I have enough on my plate with 2 toddlers. One who is disabled and I was pregnant. My mum used to go mad at me as I bend over backwards for anyone I may aswel be a door Matt

But now when he does have her she gets dropped off at our house, so past 3 times she's been iv our my foot down an took his phone of him an I don't really get involved I let him watch the 3 toddlers (it's easier now their older) and il get on with jobs. I am gettin fed up with him now an DP can see it an so can he with how iv been with him. ie takin his phone when dd is here etc an if he's been comin the OST few weeks il give him jobs to do if he's comin to be fed an have his washing done... I love him to bits don't get me wrong but I can't do anymore. I was 17 when I took him on as my own an I worked payed bills an everything at that age on my own. He's now nearly 19 an still has his arse wiped. Theirs only 6 years age gap between us so isn't a lot

But dp knows if he attempts to bring him back here il go back to my house an he hates knowing I can just walk home. think this is why we're working atm as he knows he hasn't got me by the balls because iv somewhere to go Xx

@Inliverpool1 I don't have 150 let alone 1500 spare to give him. Iv got my own bills an 3 kids to pay for an his dad has his own bills an kids to pay for aswel

I can't justify paying that knowing he has had most of it given to him of the benefit system an he's blew it ?? X

If he goes into your old rental, you may miss out on your deposit if he'd careless. You would need your landlord's permission, too, I think, even though you wouldn't be sub-letting if he doesn't pay you. It's a risk!

How long can you go on cushioning an adult who is a parent himself, honestly? It might be time for some tough love bit it will need to come from your DP, not from you. You can sit on your hands, though, or more likely keep them busy with your own DC! Don't put any mental or emotional energy into the situation, nor any of your money. Let his DF lead and worry.

Sounds like he's had a tough life. He may need more help than the usual 18-year-old to adjust to adulthood. I'd pay his arrears on the condition that he gets a job.

@NearlyGranny it's a family friend who I rent off so they know him and it would be legit if he did stay (I would notify them first make sure it was okay)

But I totally agree thank you. Iv voiced my opinion and told DP stop wiping his arse. I'm not going to think about it now just needed some MN advice an reassurance I'm not a total bitch for having these feelings as dp would probably turn around when it comes to the boiling point and say it's my hormones and iv dnp and I really havnt !! Xx

Can't he move in with his girlfriend?

From your other posts it sounds like he and his siblings come from a very toxic and chaotic situation.

Has he had any professional support?

@BorneoBabe he won't get a job. That's the be all and end all. He took the Xmas one so he has money over that period to get himself new things as he had no other income.
I got him a job with my brother, he didn't show
We've got him numerous interviews since and he doesn't attend or tells us he has an he hasn't, even when dp has gone to pick him up for one he will be in bed an not answer the door so that's totally out the window

He's lived with me since he was 12 he's had the best possible life we could of given him. His mums never been in the picture he's always been with his nana (his choice until he wanted move with me) he hasn't had it easy in regards to being abandoned by his mum but we've bent over backwards to keep him happy and bring him up right etc an this is what he does ?

X

How much is his current flat per month? Having his own flat is a huge cost and responsibility for an 18 year old.

Is there no way you and your DH can scrape together enough for the first months rent and a deposit on a room in a shared house for him? Then he will be able to get housing benefit to cover the rent, until he finds another job?

I appreciate you shouldn’t have to and it’s a pain in the arse, but it sounds better than him moving in with you.

I feel sorry for him. He's clearly been through a lot of shit.

I was 17 when I took him on as my own an I worked payed bills an everything at that age on my own

This whole situation is all kinds of fucked up. You think as a 17 year old you effectively replaced the mother of an eleven year old who'd been through hell?

You don't sound like you have any comprehension of how his life experiences have impacted him, or the fact that - news flash - other people are not identical to you. Your life at 17 is irrelevant to what another person is like at 17.

And I don't see how you were simultaneously "parenting" an eleven year old as if they'd been your child since birth and doing everything "on your own". Did you adopt him as a single parent?

@Ellmau she lives with her mum an dad. She's just turned 16

@JacquesHammer he had support and still does as he has a social worker due to his mum and her effect on him and he was getting counciling when he first moved in with myself, it has been chaotic with myself an his dad as we've not had the best relationship I admit but it's never effected him as it's never been around the kids and when it's come to the breaking point I moved out so it wasn't in front of the kids... I know he's old enough to cotton on this is why I moved out. He knew this an he was okay with it

Cant he declare himself homeless if the council chuck him out? Go into a hostel? Or has he got grandparents maybe?

he hasn't had it easy in regards to being abandoned by his mum but we've bent over backwards to keep him happy and bring him up right etc an this is what he does ?

Are you joking? He's traumatised. Quite obviously.

Has he had professional intervention to help him heal from that? Or just bitching and rejection from you?

@19lottie82 he isn't entitled to housing benefit anymore this is why he can't pay for his flat now... I don't know if it's because he hasn't been going to appointments etc ? We can't find anything out as he's now an adult so can't do much or know the truth

@user7522689 never said I was a mother or had him from birth lol but I tried my best to care for him when he came to live with me when I didn't have a clue how to even use an oven let alone look after a child, we've always got on great and iv never tried to replace something what he never actually had I just tried to make him feel at home, loved and cared for and made sure he had what he needed and a good education?. Yes I shouldn't compare to what I had to do at 17 to what he should but he had a child himself at 16 so I do think he should grow up a little and mature ?

Like I said I don't want shitty posts Iv done my best for him I just don't feel like I should be babying him anymore ?

it's never effected him

Don't be ridiculous.

it has been chaotic with myself an his dad as we've not had the best relationship I admit but it's never effected him as it's never been around the kids and when it's come to the breaking point I moved out so it wasn't in front of the kids... I know he's old enough to cotton on this is why I moved out. He knew this an he was okay with it

It absolutely will have affected him.

Poor lad. Sounds like the support he has received hasn’t been enough.

You're publishing shit on the internet about this kid who's had a seriously traumatic and toxic childhood. Why shouldn't people challenge you?

@user7522689 how the fuck have I bitched and rejected him? Who was the one at 8 months pregnant sat in hospital all night with him? Me not his fucking parents .... who made his dinners everyday... me. Who went parents evening every term Me
Who sat and helped him with homework ME
Who sat with him when he was upset over something silly at school ME!!!!!!!!!

So no I don't agree with you I just think your being damn right nasty to me if I'm honest and havnt read anything about the situation

He's never known his mum to be totally effected she left him from day 1 with his nana then when he went tonsecondary school he wanted to live with me and his dad. He has had help and support though!!!!!! Via school, councilours and family.

And you claimed this: I took him on as my own

Which was clearly bullshit. As you have subsequently agreed.

He will be entitled to claim benefits but might not be entitled to much (Or any)if he’s had recent wages. Does he need to make a reclaim now the job has ended?

He sounds like he needs lot of help and support .

His upbringing hasn't been brilliant at all no fault of your own but his parents and support system haven't been what they should have. I feel sorry for him.

I also feel sorry for you, if what I read from other comments is correct- you took him on when you were 17 and he was 11 !! Imagine how that feels having a step mum young enough to be your sister.

@user7522689 don't get why your so high rated about it. Say what you've got to say then go

@Scapegoatforlife I totally agree it was so strange and awkward for both of us but I just tried my best. When I had my ds my mum used to take them both for days out the zoo etc he was never secluded or left out

I just tried an I don't think I can do it anymore as it's always me picking up the oeices as neither of his parents do?