To not let DSS move back home

[Sweetpeach3]

Long time poster please don't want any shitty comments just some advice

Basically DSS moved in with me when I met his dad - 7 years ago
Last year he got his own flat (soon as he turned 18) and moved out, due to circumstances he lost his job and ended up on benefits ( his rent went into arrears until it was sorted) he started back work an got laid beginning of the NY as it was only a Christmas position an they havnt any places now an now he isn't allowed to claim benefits for some reason we cannot work out so he's no source of income.

The flat is through the local council and as far as I'm aware of if he's in arrears over 500 they claim it straight from benefits but they clearly can't do this so he's going to be evicted or am I wrong ? He's nearly 1500 in arrears (don't have a fucking clue how) we personally think he's been spending the rent money when he's been paid on clothes an going out etc as we've had to pay his gas an electric a few times an buy him food.... isn't ideal at all and I'm pissed off with it as he thinks everything is for free an worn catch up with him but it has an he is going to loose the flat in the next month or so if he hasn't already (he won't speak to us since we found all this out Friday)

He has nothin to do with his mum unless it suits her (she's got 7 kids in care she's another bloody story) but it's always been me an his dad, iv got 2 toddlers and a 2 weeks old baby plus 3 other SC to think of

His dad suggested he moves back home but this means he shares a room with my 3YO on the top floor, he stayed over Christmas an it was hard work. He was up and down all night like a yo-yo so Ds was up aswel, he just lounges around when he has the chance an then we've no personal or private space anymore nor does he an he will want his new girlfriend around all the time as well as his DD who I'm then left to sort after and feed....

I clearly said I wasn't happy at all of the idea as it's me left with him all day an the extra laundry and picking up after an the rest of it. His dad then suggested he moves into my house until we can sort it an he keep an eye on him
it's around the corner from Dps house. Mine is only rented and tbh their isn't much he could ruin unlike the house we live in
(mine is private rented an I paid a year upfront when me an DP was havin a bad time, I didn't want the kids around it but we've sorted things but theirs still rent left so iv got it for 3 months ish so at the end of my tenancy he has the option to keep renting himself if he sorted himself out) it's fully furnished with everything their like sky and the bills paid etc so it is an option

I just feel like why the fuck are we helping him out again when he just cuts us off willy nilly, I don't want him here but I don't want him take the piss at my house an ruin it then I'm left in the shit ?
When these things happen his mum suddenly comes in the scene trying to act the hero an he craves his mums attention so I personally think let his mum sort it for once. She's got no kids to look after an she's never done anythin for him so help him now? Then he will see how much we do for him and MAYBE be greatful for what he's got an had

I duno I feel my hormones aren't great atm and I feel a total bitch for feelin this way towards him but he's out us through a lot and I mean a lot of shit, I just cba with the stress of him anymore? AIBU?

This is chaos.

OP, I think you can do a lot better than your partner. You can handle being a single mum and I think you'll be fantastic without him in your life. You're wise beyond your years so do think about leaving him and setting up on your own. It'll honestly likely be cheaper and less stressful for you.

I think the reality is your partner and his ex have failed all their children. At 17 you should not have been expected to take on a step child. You did your best but obviously you weren't even an adult yourself. DSS needs to get help and therapy to process the chaotic upbringing. And your partner needs to get sterilised ffs. I'm actually one of the few on here who don't go mad when people have big families... but under one condition. All the children are loved and looked after properly.

This isn't the case here. Honestly, as selfish as it sounds, I'd pack up, take my kids with me and go. I'd make sure they don't have the same upbringing as his other kids and I'd forget about him. You can't fix his mistakes, you can't fix his ex's mistakes. But you can be a great mum to your 3 babies. So do that.

he's 18, YABVU. What does his dad say, does he not want him either?
Sounds like he's had a shit life, perhaps he's better off on his own than with a step mother who can't stand him.

Under 25 you can’t claim housing benefit

Whoops, sorry.
Didn't read all the thread. At 17, you shouldn't have had to take on a step child
Get rid of the dp, he's failed his children along with his ex.
Are your children his? If they are, get them as far away from him as you can.
Stay single until you can tell the difference because no way should you have had children with him.

This has got car crash written all over it. You're dp has been massively irresponsible having so many kids and not been able to care for them properly. Just turned 18 and having to live on his own and manage Bill's shocking.

This is all so fucked up. How many kids does your partner have, somewhere between 4 and 7? I cant work out which are his?

You were 17 and he was in his thirties, early forties?

The son, who had a shit start was then plamed off on someone 6 years older than him? Who doesn't really get it, doesnt really understand how bad his start was. Probably because they are 17.

And then you are in your third child by this loser you are tied to?

All those kids will end up fucked up.

No wonder your mum doesnt like your partner, though partner isnt the right word.

Sounds like he's had a shit life, perhaps he's better off on his own than with a step mother who can't stand him

I was going to say have you actually read the thread or just posted the standard mn response to stepmums?

You honestly have no comprehension at all do you.

How can a 17 year old adequately parent an 11 year old who's had a rough start to life .

You're being absolutely ridiculous.

He needs support not the venom you're spewing

sweetpeach move out. Move back in to your house and set up home there away from this toxic madness.

Your partner is a piece of work and I agree with your mother

Agree with posters - move your kids away from this shit and raise them differently

I do think it sounds like you have had a lot of responsibility placed on your shoulders very young and have done what you can to try and be a support to your DSS.

But the wider situation you're describing sounds completely dysfunctional. It's quite hard to keep up with exactly how many children, parents, step-parents and so on are involved in the extended family. I realise you came here to ask about one issue and the thread has gone in another direction - but I think it is worth taking a look more deeply into issues of grooming and where you and your kids are now.

Are you really happy?

His girlfriends just turned 16 and DSS is 18? So he was with a 15 year old?

Wasn't a particularly windy day when the apple fell from that tree was it.

Sweetpeach3 I agree with a poster above, you do sound lovely.

I agree with your mum also, your DP has groomed you. (Sorry). You were only 17 when you took on the role of step mum to a 12 year old?

But dp knows if he attempts to bring him back here il go back to my house an he hates knowing I can just walk home. think this is why we're working atm as he knows he hasn't got me by the balls because iv somewhere to go Xx

This isn't how a relationship should be. Your DP is exploiting you.

Honestly, as selfish as it sounds, I'd pack up, take my kids with me and go. I'd make sure they don't have the same upbringing as his other kids and I'd forget about him. You can't fix his mistakes, you can't fix his ex's mistakes. But you can be a great mum to your 3 babies. So do that.

This is great advice. Please don't give up your house. Go live in it, before you lose that lifeline - and leave your abusive hopefully-STBXP to it. (STBXP = soon to be ex).

I'm sorry to see there are so many arseholes on this thread. AIBU is full of them, unfortunately. I suspect half of them aren't even mums - just sad people who want to have a go.

Why not over to the Relationships section of Mumsnet and have a chat with us about your relationship with this man? Not so many arseholes over there, and lots of support, usually.

If I was your mum, I'd be doing what I can to get you away from this man. You're a competent, caring woman who's being dragged down by this man and the mistakes HE's made with his DC.

He’s 18 and is going through a tough time, of course his dad will have to help him if his mum isn’t capable. If you don’t like it you’ll have to move back to your own place.

Just seen the age difference between you and “D”P. Definitely move back to your own house!

Don’t baby him, he’s a grown man let him learn a lesson. He can’t claim housing benefit now because of his age, he was obviously claiming it before the change came in. If you’re happy with your dp then stay but it doesn’t sound like you are. I kinda agree with your mum but there are people who have successful relationships with huge age gaps. Best advice do what makes you and your kids happy regardless of dp and dss.

Move back to your own house and stay there!