To not let DSS move back home

[Sweetpeach3]

Long time poster please don't want any shitty comments just some advice

Basically DSS moved in with me when I met his dad - 7 years ago
Last year he got his own flat (soon as he turned 18) and moved out, due to circumstances he lost his job and ended up on benefits ( his rent went into arrears until it was sorted) he started back work an got laid beginning of the NY as it was only a Christmas position an they havnt any places now an now he isn't allowed to claim benefits for some reason we cannot work out so he's no source of income.

The flat is through the local council and as far as I'm aware of if he's in arrears over 500 they claim it straight from benefits but they clearly can't do this so he's going to be evicted or am I wrong ? He's nearly 1500 in arrears (don't have a fucking clue how) we personally think he's been spending the rent money when he's been paid on clothes an going out etc as we've had to pay his gas an electric a few times an buy him food.... isn't ideal at all and I'm pissed off with it as he thinks everything is for free an worn catch up with him but it has an he is going to loose the flat in the next month or so if he hasn't already (he won't speak to us since we found all this out Friday)

He has nothin to do with his mum unless it suits her (she's got 7 kids in care she's another bloody story) but it's always been me an his dad, iv got 2 toddlers and a 2 weeks old baby plus 3 other SC to think of

His dad suggested he moves back home but this means he shares a room with my 3YO on the top floor, he stayed over Christmas an it was hard work. He was up and down all night like a yo-yo so Ds was up aswel, he just lounges around when he has the chance an then we've no personal or private space anymore nor does he an he will want his new girlfriend around all the time as well as his DD who I'm then left to sort after and feed....

I clearly said I wasn't happy at all of the idea as it's me left with him all day an the extra laundry and picking up after an the rest of it. His dad then suggested he moves into my house until we can sort it an he keep an eye on him
it's around the corner from Dps house. Mine is only rented and tbh their isn't much he could ruin unlike the house we live in
(mine is private rented an I paid a year upfront when me an DP was havin a bad time, I didn't want the kids around it but we've sorted things but theirs still rent left so iv got it for 3 months ish so at the end of my tenancy he has the option to keep renting himself if he sorted himself out) it's fully furnished with everything their like sky and the bills paid etc so it is an option

I just feel like why the fuck are we helping him out again when he just cuts us off willy nilly, I don't want him here but I don't want him take the piss at my house an ruin it then I'm left in the shit ?
When these things happen his mum suddenly comes in the scene trying to act the hero an he craves his mums attention so I personally think let his mum sort it for once. She's got no kids to look after an she's never done anythin for him so help him now? Then he will see how much we do for him and MAYBE be greatful for what he's got an had

I duno I feel my hormones aren't great atm and I feel a total bitch for feelin this way towards him but he's out us through a lot and I mean a lot of shit, I just cba with the stress of him anymore? AIBU?

Well I have a 16vywar iold and a 19 year old and over my dead body would this have been happening. If it meant physically dragging then so be it.
But if she'd been in a good place , she wouldn't have wanted to be in a relationship with a deadbeat 40 year old. There is a real poverty of aspiration running through this whole story which is terrifying and desperately sad.

All your lives sound chaotic and dysfunctional. I'm not surprised it's come to this.

You taking on a SC at 17 is madness.

Have you posted about your situation before, OP?

What an absolute car crash. To the point of sounding unbelievable - though I’m not hinting troll, I’m just saying - wow!

This boy has been through a crazy anoint of shit. I absolutely take my hat off to you for all you’ve done for him, and this is not a criticism - but you were, and are, no doubt utterly unequipped to deal with his needs.

His father is an absolute shit.
He grooms a 17yo in his 40s.
He does fuck all for his son, leaving it all to you.
In addition to this son he has 3 other kids that you’re running around after.
And instead of being present for this boy (7 siblings/half siblings in care?!) he decides to have 3 more children with you?!!

Honestly... take your 3 kids, and go back to your rented house. Walk away from your manipulative shit of a husband. Don’t be surprised when you discover that he’s a shit divorced dad. Maybe if you have it in you, write your oldest stepson a letter about the good times you’ve had with him, stating that it not working out with his dad is nothing to do with him, and wish him well for the future. Do not look back.

Your husband having a grandchild that is older than his own child... if they ever bring back Jeremy Kyle, they’ll sign him up.

Contraception , contraception, contraception. Please make sure he and gf dont bring any more poor souls into your mixed up family.

If it’s 3x contraception, he can spare some for his father, who has 7 children and doesn’t care for any of them properly.

Wow what an absolute car crash. Really move out with your own DC and concentrate on being a good mother to them. And just all stop reproducing.

Chris you sound hard work

I thought I recognised your name - I searched, and I’m right that I’ve posted on a previous thread of yours. The one where all his exes are the crazy ones.

He has 5 children by 4 different women.
And was chasing a 17yo when he was in his early 40s.

Of course on that thread he was a “good dad”. Go back to your other threads where your description of him is more realistic. Read it, pretending you’re reading someone else’s post. You would tell them to run. You left him before, your house is sat empty for you to go again tomorrow. Then he’ll have room for this stepson that he wants to house. So that all works out well.

Wtf..,this is worse than a jeremy Kyle and Jerry springer mash up. Firstly he is 19 and his gf has just turned 16 that's all levels of wrong...like father like son though.
You must have been seriously brain washed/manipulated into this situation at 17 years old...what kind of man in his 40's even looks at a 17 year old that way it's actually quite worrying. Think he should have sorted his own kids out before he had 3 more what a fucked up situation, tell your dss dad to step up oh and to PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT! That is all.

Your partner sound like a twat, not only with the leaving the parenting of his c hold ten to his girlfriend who wasn't a full adult yet, but with what you said about how you think he's only being nice and making the relationship work because he knows you can leave. If you had nowhere to go he'd not be making it work and would be a twat to you knowing you were kind of trapped with him?

His sons issues are both his parents fault, it sounds like he's following the example his father has set him, leave the picking up the pieces and running about kids to the women while he moves from one woman to another.

Genuinely, I think you should move into the rented house yourself with your child. If you're doing everything yourself anyway you may as well be doing it yourself free from the arsehole who's taken advantage of you.

I feel sorry for your stepson and I feel sorry for you.

@Bigearringsbigsmile poverty of aspiration is the perfect term to sum this all up, absolutely astonishing stuff

Type in young homeless (your county). Around here there’s a couple of organisations that operate half way houses. Young people get their own places (maybe a shared kitchen), but get a lot of help learning to adult (budgeting, cooking, bills etc). Maybe this could be an idea for him as he needs to learn how to be a responsible adult.

Have you sat down with your DSS and explained that if he doesn’t get a job he’s going to be homeless? As PP the council will want him paying off his debt but not necessarily in the same month.

As well as yourself OP you’re an amazing woman. Put yourself first and your children. Don’t cut off your DSS, offer to help him write letters to whoever but you can’t have him moving in with you. Your partner on the other hand... well leave him in his own place

The arrears taken from his benefits can only happen when he is in receipt of benefits and even then they have to make an arrangement with him and can’t just take off what they please!

Tell him to apply for hardship payments, it will be small change and the DWP don’t always tell folks what they’re entitled too unless you already have some knowledge of the benefit but he will definitely be entitled to something.

Let him move back in because that’s BU if you don’t, sometimes people find themselves in situations that they can’t get out of alone.

Would you be unsure about letting him move in if he was your real son?

I can see that your DSS has had a hard life and I can see that there may be trauma contributing to his current attitude and behaviours. But I don't think there is anything you can do about it, OP. Taking him in isn't going to give him the support he needs to change his coping strategies to good ones.

You have a lot on your plate. Sounds like your own history is pretty chaotic - moving in with an older man at 17 to look after his kids - kids who wouldn't live with him when he was on his own? Is it possible you may have been groomed and taken advantage of by your DP?

@Sweetpeach3 as your baby is only 2 weeks old I would strongly suggest that you tell your health visitor everything and ask for help. And when I say everything - tell her he's verbally and financially abusive, wanted you to have an abortion, said he wouldn't pay maintenance or see your youngest, expects you to look after his other kids and grandkids, groomed you, have multiple children with other women who he doesn't support properly and/or doesn't see. Be honest and ask for help to leave and stay away.

It won't be easy but it is necessary unless you want your kids to have the chaotic, fucked up future that his (many) other kids have.

This is absolute chaos, how many kids exactly have all the adults in this shitshow bred in total? Everyone needs to be sterilised and to focus on trying to fix the trauma inflicted on these hordes of kids. Your hugely older boyfriend has had three with you, at least three with some other women, one kid is one of eight and has already produced a kid himself? Wow. Just take responsibility for all your own kids, your boyfriends kids will need intense counselling, life skills courses and various agencies support to try to help them lead relatively stable lives after all of this.

Also, your boyfriend is fucking repugnant, preying on a teenager, even if you were over the age of consent when he began preying on you, it’s unethical, and he knew exactly what he was doing. You wouldn’t be able to trust him around any other children or vulnerable people. Bleaugh.

He’s had 4 with 3 other women.
7 with 4 women, once we add in OP.

In a previous thread OP complained about the crazy exes - one of whom keeps their child away from him. That doesn’t seem so crazy to me.

You did well to leave him before OP.

Op for your own sanity it may be a positi e step for you to move back into your home?

It sounds as though you have done all you can for this young person, your dss.

It is up to his df now to step up and be a parent.

*positive

I assume you will treat your own children the same way?
If not What message are you sending them. If you took him on as your own then you owe it to him, if you treated him as your own then you are somewhat responsible for the way he is. Have some compassion, your OH is his father and that is his home. What do you think will happen to him if you refuse to help him? Nothing good. 18 is still very young, particularly for men. If you were mature at 18 good for you. But many people male and female are not. Lay down rules and regulations and insist he abides by them. If he doesn't, ban gf, move him to living room etc. Actions and consequences

If not What message are you sending them. If you took him on as your own then you owe it to him, if you treated him as your own then you are somewhat responsible for the way he is. Have some compassion, your OH is his father and that is his home. What do you think will happen to him if you refuse to help him? Nothing good. 18 is still very young, particularly for men. If you were mature at 18 good for you

cut her some slack. She was 17 and groomed into a relationship with a 40 year old man. Still very young, who was helping her?

Chances are she had no idea of the enormity of what she was taking on.

The only responsible person here, the only person who owes anything is the kids dad. What 40 year old lets a 17 year old take on a mothering role and leaves her to it?

O/p has done her best. Time to let his dad step up and concentrate on herself and her own kids. She can still be there is he needs to go round and get help and advice, but something needs to change or the younger kids will end up in the same shit.

I think the halfway house is the best idea. Your DSS doesn't seem to be able to cope with life, which is understandable, so a halfway house could help him. Maybe suggest that? Also I think that maybe you should look at your own life also. There are only six years between you and your DSS and I think you have done the best that you can do. You should move to the rented house with your children as your DP sounds beyond useless and dysfunctional and if you don't want to do it for you then maybe do it for your children so that they don't end up like your DSS.