To not let DSS move back home

[Sweetpeach3]

Long time poster please don't want any shitty comments just some advice

Basically DSS moved in with me when I met his dad - 7 years ago
Last year he got his own flat (soon as he turned 18) and moved out, due to circumstances he lost his job and ended up on benefits ( his rent went into arrears until it was sorted) he started back work an got laid beginning of the NY as it was only a Christmas position an they havnt any places now an now he isn't allowed to claim benefits for some reason we cannot work out so he's no source of income.

The flat is through the local council and as far as I'm aware of if he's in arrears over 500 they claim it straight from benefits but they clearly can't do this so he's going to be evicted or am I wrong ? He's nearly 1500 in arrears (don't have a fucking clue how) we personally think he's been spending the rent money when he's been paid on clothes an going out etc as we've had to pay his gas an electric a few times an buy him food.... isn't ideal at all and I'm pissed off with it as he thinks everything is for free an worn catch up with him but it has an he is going to loose the flat in the next month or so if he hasn't already (he won't speak to us since we found all this out Friday)

He has nothin to do with his mum unless it suits her (she's got 7 kids in care she's another bloody story) but it's always been me an his dad, iv got 2 toddlers and a 2 weeks old baby plus 3 other SC to think of

His dad suggested he moves back home but this means he shares a room with my 3YO on the top floor, he stayed over Christmas an it was hard work. He was up and down all night like a yo-yo so Ds was up aswel, he just lounges around when he has the chance an then we've no personal or private space anymore nor does he an he will want his new girlfriend around all the time as well as his DD who I'm then left to sort after and feed....

I clearly said I wasn't happy at all of the idea as it's me left with him all day an the extra laundry and picking up after an the rest of it. His dad then suggested he moves into my house until we can sort it an he keep an eye on him
it's around the corner from Dps house. Mine is only rented and tbh their isn't much he could ruin unlike the house we live in
(mine is private rented an I paid a year upfront when me an DP was havin a bad time, I didn't want the kids around it but we've sorted things but theirs still rent left so iv got it for 3 months ish so at the end of my tenancy he has the option to keep renting himself if he sorted himself out) it's fully furnished with everything their like sky and the bills paid etc so it is an option

I just feel like why the fuck are we helping him out again when he just cuts us off willy nilly, I don't want him here but I don't want him take the piss at my house an ruin it then I'm left in the shit ?
When these things happen his mum suddenly comes in the scene trying to act the hero an he craves his mums attention so I personally think let his mum sort it for once. She's got no kids to look after an she's never done anythin for him so help him now? Then he will see how much we do for him and MAYBE be greatful for what he's got an had

I duno I feel my hormones aren't great atm and I feel a total bitch for feelin this way towards him but he's out us through a lot and I mean a lot of shit, I just cba with the stress of him anymore? AIBU?

His dad is late 40s. My mum voiced the exact same opinion I'm just a glorified nanny an was groomed by him- she doesn't like DP in the slightest as I seem to do everything as a sole parent

So in his life-

He was dumped on his nana as a baby as his mum is incompetent - he has 7 half siblings in care.

• he has 3 half siblings his dad had with someone else.

He went to live with his dad and dads 17yo girlfriend when he was 11.

The dad and now step-mum have three children together.

At 16 he fathers a child, same age as one of his younger half siblings.

Dad and stepmum have a rocky relationship and she moves out.

He gets his own place but is crap with money and gets in debt.

His step mum moves back in with his dad.

So at 18 he has a new 16 yo girlfriend, a 2 year old with his 18 yo ex. 7 half-sibs in care, 3 half-sibs that presumably live with their mum(s), and three that live with his dad and step-mum.

I think I'd need therapy, never mind being able to support myself and pay rent on time!

OP if it's a council flat, I thinkni and his dad should do everything in your power to stop him being evicted. He doesn't realise how lucky he is to have it. If he starts paying, plus a small bit towards arrears, they won't evict him. BUT he'll need so e help to get it sorted, and for that he needs to cooperate with you and his dad, and let you go with him to the council and to the DWP.

My mum voiced the exact same opinion I'm just a glorified nanny an was groomed by him- she doesn't like DP in the slightest as I seem to do everything as a sole parent

Your mum was absolutely right. He got himself a vulnerable young woman, barely an adult, so he could train you to do the wife work. You need to seriously look at your life and what you want for YOURSELF I’m the future.

His dad is late 40s. My mum voiced the exact same opinion I'm just a glorified nanny an was groomed by him- she doesn't like DP in the slightest as I seem to do everything as a sole parent

I think your Mum has it spot on.

What possessed you to have more children with this man? He already has seven of them(?) in care so has shown he can’t look after them. It’s one fucked up situation. I echo previous posters who said to take your children to the house you rent and have some time to think things through.

No mid 20’s woman should have all this on her shoulders, and you aren’t in the world to just produce and look after your and other people’s children. His Dad needs to step up, you haven’t mentioned what he’s doing to help once.

@Sweetpeach3 you sound lovely actually, your desire to help this young man is obvious from everything you post. I don't know how to put this without sounding harsh but your own relationship just screams red flags. Obviously I don't know the full story but this guy is twice your age, you were 17 when he must have been in his late 30s/early 40s and you are now still very young with 3 small children and the responsibility for all this mess on your shoulders. I'm with your mum on this!

I genuinely hope things work out really well for you

You sound like you want a medal because you sat in hospital with him at 8 months pregnant, so what? You’re his family aren’t you. Would you be moaning the same if it was one of your biological children?

I can see your DSS does need to sort himself out and take responsibility, but I can also see he has been raised in a totally dysfunctional environment and probably has abandonment issues in respect of his mother. Unfortunately failed by both parents. He needs professional counselling and guidance or this is going to be as good as it gets for him.

I agree with your mum o/p. You were 17, moving in with a 45 year old man who had 4 kids?

You were groomed, or at least taken advantage of.

I think you’ve done brilliantly with your dss. He had no one and you stepped up.

But if I were your mum I’d be telling you to move back in to your own house with your kids, and start building your life again.

Have you thought what you want to do with your life? Go back to college? Build a career? You need to your independence as chances are you’ll be on your own or living with a pensioner in 15 years and who will support you?

Put yourself and your little ones first. Tell your dh and dss that you’re moving back to your own place. They’re adults, they can take care of themselves. Just say your house is too crowded and you’ll all have more space if you go, and you’re paid up anyway so you might. as well.

Build bridges with your mum and decide what you want to spend your time doing. This is probably your biggest opportunity to get out while there’s a house sitting there....

I just read a bit more and I’m gobsmacked. I have a stepson, I never ever refer to him as that in real life. He lives with us, I look after him and bust his balls same as my biological children. Hate saying that even as they are treated no different. I once did a 5 hour round trip to the dentist with him. Can I have my medal now please?

You sound like you want a medal because you sat in hospital with him at 8 months pregnant, so what? You’re his family aren’t you. Would you be moaning the same if it was one of your biological children?

@Sugartitss She deserves a medal for being 17 and taking on this mess and you can tell in every post she wants to support her DSS, she just probably lacks the life experience to be able to do it on her own and that’s why she’s posting here.

Tbh, she sounds like an amazingly woman, but with the best will in the world, her partner most likely groomed her from an early age and she’s now conditioned to believe all she’s there for us to serve this massively dysfunctional family. And this is what Mumsnet is here for, to support women and help in whatever way we can. She needs support, not ridicule.

Your partner was 40 and you 17 when you moved in together? How long were you seeing each other before that? What does his dad actually do?

*She deserves a medal for being 17 and taking on this mess and you can tell in every post she wants to support her DSS, she just probably lacks the life experience to be able to do it on her own and that’s why she’s posting here.

Tbh, she sounds like an amazingly woman, but with the best will in the world, her partner most likely groomed her from an early age and she’s now conditioned to believe all she’s there for us to serve this massively dysfunctional family. And this is what Mumsnet is here for, to support women and help in whatever way we can*

I agree. She was 17 ffs! Barely a child and took on an 11 year old. Step parenting is hard when you’re an adult and have a good partner, i have no idea how a 17 year old would manage.

@Sugartitss I feel like you are really misreading this whole situation. Genuinely lovely to hear how passionate you are about being a stepmum though

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I don't actually but I really hope you're right for OP's sake!

It's sounds like you have both had quite chaotic and difficult lives, and have been children bringing up children.

I think under the circumstances, it is very understandable that he might have issues and be struggling with adult responsibilities.

That said, I think you have tried very hard to help him despite the issues and challenges you have faced yourself. It must have been very difficult to suddenly have an emotionally damaged 12 year old to parent as a 17 year old. You now have issues with your partner and young kids, AND sometimes caring for his daughter. There is only so much of you to go around.

I think he deserves help and support to sort himself out or make changes, but I don't think it necessarily has to come from you. He is ultimately an adult (if a very young one) and if it's a choice between him and the younger children's welfare plus you mental health then you might have to step back. I think you are in your rights to say you love him to bits and always will, but you are not willing to compromise yourself or the other children for him, or your sanity, because then you won't be any good to anyone. If he needs advice or guidance, though, you are there.

But I don't think you should take the attitude of it all being his fault he's got issues and isn't very mature or its just being being an idiot, or lazy etc. He's had a very traumatic upbringing by the sounds of it, rejected by his own mother, lost siblings to care and all sorts. It would be a total miracle if he was properly put together and adjusted, rareing to face the adult world head on. -- But it's also not your fault he'd damaged and you've done your best for him. It's just it's now starting to get to be too much.

So I think you are reasonable to choose to not support him financially or with housing, even to be bloody fed up of him not helping himself and embarrassing you when you've asked for favours from others to get him work and so on. But that you are being unreasonable to think he should be able to handle adult life properly and not struggle or show signs of damage. I think you should try to be sympathetic, think kindly towards him and remember he's faced different life challenges than you have, though you have faced a lot as well, and that he might not be as resilient as you were at the same age due to what happened to him before he joined your household. I think that will be a lot easier for you to do, and for you to give emotional support, though if you are not so closely involved in supporting with the material side of things and are free of the stress of him sharing a bedroom with your three year old.

OP you need to move back to your own place with thousands biological children. Contact Womens Aid and get some advice. The Freedom program would be totally appropriate.

Jeez woman, youve been fucked over by your paedo partner. Cant believe you were so young and he brought you into this mess.
If i were you id move you and your own children into your flat and leave the rest of them to sort themselves. Youve been well and truly used

?! Thousands? Autocorrect.

I’m also with your mum. Your partner is a shit

I do think your partner has potentially cheated you out of part of your childhood and adolescence. This is not a normal or healthy set up for you or any of the children. Your mum sounds spot on with her assessment.

A 17 year old should not have been doing the things you did, it sounds like you were being abused and potentially now your children are being exposed to unhealthy dynamics.

Women's Aid are very good and your local branch should be able to offer support, when you are ready for it.

Call SS to deal with step son, they will probably try and fob you off but the very least they could do us signpost you towards some help

Why was your mum allowing you to be in a relationship with a 40 year old man when you were 17?

Why was your mum allowing you to be in a relationship with a 40 year old man when you were 17?

Ever tried to stop a 17 year old doing something? Especially when that 17 year old has a 40 year old bloke telling her he loves her, can move in with him, he will give her the world etc..

Short of physically dragging her back, nothing you can do.