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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit peeved by what DH said....

150 replies

Kiwiorange · 14/01/2020 20:35

So this isn’t a first world problem I totally realise this and it’s mainly light hearted although part of me was a bit annoyed...

So DH has been around the block in younger days. Slow with about 50ish women. That was a problem for me at first but not I’m indifferent as I’ve got far bigger things to be worrying about in life.

Noe I’m a bit OTT and even as a kid I couldn’t drink from a can that someone else had drank from (I still can’t now) as I dont like the thought of someone’s saliva being in it.

As a teenager I wouldn’t kiss ransoms for the sake of it as I found it gross. Don’t get me wrong if I really fancied them I would but not just for the sake of it.

So DH normally showers as he thinks baths are full of your own dirt which is fair perhaps. Showers broken so I had a bath and it was taking ages to drain so I said to DH would he mind if I left done of my bath water (I’d just got out) and topped it up with hot.

He made a joking comment but he was serious and I thought you cheeky sod!! You’ve shared bodily fluids with more women than I care to image, yet you’re a bit grossed out by popping in the bath where I have used some of the bath water?!!

I mean, have I gut a valid point to be miffed/hurt?!

OP posts:

BorissGiantJohnson · 15/01/2020 09:56

He made a jokey comment about a bath and you're bring up who he fingered behind the bike sheds in 1962? Let it go!

Original poster

Kiwiorange · 15/01/2020 12:11

@EmeraldShamrock

What a load of rubbish. So because I find it strange that someone will happily do one thing but not the other, you derive I’m abusive to him!!

Deary me if that’s the conclusion you come to after a few sentences then I think it says more about you than me.

It is not a joke thread as it does make me wonder. I’m allowed to feel any which way I want about anything I want irrespective of what anyone else says. I’m allowed to have an option on whatever I like.

I’ve never mentioned this to him so it’s absolutely ridiculous to be throwing the ‘abusive’ word around. More so because it deflects what is truly abusive in a relationship.

Honestly like, its unbelievable some of the assumptions people make on here in general.

I appreciate your feed back (not the ridiculousness of some on the OTT response sigh but I do get when many of you are coming from.

I still find it strange for exactly the same reasons as I’ve stared but that’s my choice. Yes his past had been an issue and I almost didn’t get with him as a promiscuous past was a deal breaker for me at the beginning. I’m allowed to chose who I like 😁

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 15/01/2020 12:19

You are allowed to choose who you like for whatever reason but its unreasonable to choose someone who doesn't fit your specification and then hold it against them.

Newdadtogirl · 15/01/2020 12:22

Second hand bathwater is essentially human soup, skin, hair, pubes, shit, pee, etc. Its like a waterborne version of pants worn hiking for 4 whole days!

Totally mingin!
Uch a fi! (in Welsh)

Nofunkingworriesmate · 15/01/2020 12:41

You made a leap/comparison between sharing bodily fluids/ bath water and concluded With a perceived negative comparison with you as the looser and rejected party.... only you and a therapist can Un pick that

Sonichu · 15/01/2020 12:44

"It is not a joke thread as it does make me wonder. I’m allowed to feel any which way I want about anything I want irrespective of what anyone else says. I’m allowed to have an option on whatever I like."

So what's the point of posting?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 15/01/2020 12:45

Did you set up this scenario in order to test him ? (you knew how he felt about used bath water?) I.e it’s me or those other women, and then get hurt when you “lost”

Sherazade · 15/01/2020 12:50

Someone please put this in classics, ta.

Moose42 · 15/01/2020 12:54

I had a problem with DH having more partners than me at the start, but it really is something you need to move past to be happy. His number was a lot lower than your husband’s, but given that mine was so low and I was so insecure, it still made me jealous and even more insecure. When I realised and accepted than none of them were as significant as me and I was the only one he’d married and committed to, I was so much happier in our relationship.

The bath water thing might be making you think about the other women, but it’s so so different. My DH has done all kinds of things and shared body fluids etc, but he hates eating anything I’ve taken a bite of or sharing an ice lolly or drink for a bottle. Everyone has their things they don’t like. Bath water is even more understandable, because it’s dirty water you’ve washed in, not just some saliva around a bottle. I’d never bath with my DH without showering first, because then you’re just sharing dirt.

My advice would be to deal with your issues about his past (i think you need to talk this through with him really) and consider the bath thing as totally separate.

Elbeagle · 15/01/2020 13:10

So you’ve never told him that you’ve got an issue with the number of partners he has? If so, that’s great. But I suspect you have.

amiapropermum · 15/01/2020 13:14

You're allowed to feel whatever way you want. So is he.

What's not okay is you trying to make him wash in your dirty bathwater using the reasoning that he had a sexual past before he met you. Bonkers

EmeraldShamrock · 15/01/2020 13:21

I’ve never mentioned this to him so it’s absolutely ridiculous to be throwing the ‘abusive’ word around. More so because it deflects what is truly abusive in a relationship My ex used to do it, want numbers he use it to verbally abuse me in scenarios as he was insecure.
Mine isn't particularly high, DP is higher though from day one he knew it is a question I won't answer. If he pushed I'd dump him but he wasn't interested in our past.
So DH has been around the block in younger days. Slow with about 50ish women. That was a problem for me at first Did you discuss it clear the air or never mention it to him, until bath time last night.

Original poster

Kiwiorange · 15/01/2020 15:35

@Nofunkingworriesmate

It’s quite worrying that you’d leap to the suggestion that someone would set the scenario up based on what I said 😳 you seem very interested.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kiwiorange · 15/01/2020 15:41

I’ve seen your posts before and I recall someone else saying how not very nice you seem in the way you word things so don’t be offended if I think you sound like a keyboard warrior

OP posts:

silencebeforethebleeps · 15/01/2020 15:45

I've only ever had sex with my DH but I wouldn't want his second hand bath water.

Vanhi · 15/01/2020 18:36

(Some people must be filthy if their bath water gets that dirty from an average, everyday soak.)

Fairly, yes. I have horses and am quite often outside in the mud. My OH runs so also gets sweaty and at this time of year, muddy. Some people do genuinely get dirty. I know it used to be common to share bath water, but a lot of things were common in the past that really aren't recommended now.

Elbeagle · 15/01/2020 18:41

(Some people must be filthy if their bath water gets that dirty from an average, everyday soak.)

Well I wouldn’t say filthy but DH and I both exercise every day (running/gym etc), one or other of us walk the dog every evening and can get quite muddy...

EmeraldShamrock · 15/01/2020 19:17

(Some people must be filthy if their bath water gets that dirty from an average, everyday soak.)
Forgetting dirt we shed skin, loose pubes, poo particles, after sponge washing your body it falls in the water.
Right to the bottom so they next person can sit in it with slimy soap scum. Even as DC we wouldn't have a 2nd hand bath, we'd bath together 3 girls. 🤢

Ravenesque · 15/01/2020 22:36

I'm never particularly dirty when I bathe, but when I look back in the water when I get out it's a bit scummy and I wouldn't offer it to anyone. And yes, we shared bathwater when I was a child but we did a lot of stuff then that I wouldn't now.

Livingoncake · 16/01/2020 00:00

Basically, you’re saying he can’t have standards for his own cleanliness because he tainted himself by having sex with other women before you. That is so not ok. And the reason that PPs have brought up the word “abuse” is because past sexual experience is a stick that abusive men use to beat their female partners with.

Flip it around, OP: how would you feel if he said you should be happy to use his toothbrush because you’ve given blowjobs in the past?

Are you going to be mad at him for his sexual past forever? What exactly do you expect him to do about it now? And why do you think sex is dirty? We’re you a virgin when you met your DH? Genuinely curious.

Loftyswops988 · 16/01/2020 02:18

My girlfriend and I will have a bath together quite regularly - but to relax not to get clean, we would always shower afterwards. If the bath was for the sole purpose of getting clean you could not pay me to get in her water after her! Despite the fact i have slept with a lot of women before her

caringcarer · 16/01/2020 02:29

I sometimes share a bath with DH but we both shower first. You clearly have issues with his sexual history. If you knew about it before you got married then you must have accepted it. If you only found out after you married I can understand you being a bit upset but really nothing to do with he using your dirty bath water. If he was sleeping around after your marriage then you would be justified in bring upset.

mrbob · 16/01/2020 02:32

Ha it’s weird- I also have had sex with a number of random strangers but definitely don’t want to use someone else’s bath water. I would share a bath with someone though so that is not based on anything logical!

Rubixcuube · 16/01/2020 22:03

@Livingoncake

Whilst o don’t disagree with with what you’re saying about abusive men bringing up past sexual experiences their partners had, I don’t think this is anywhere near the same.

OP says her DH doesn’t know she feels like this, therefore she’s not using it as a weapon against him. You baby help how you feel but you can help how you treat your OH. She’s not punishing him therefore it’s absolutely not the same.

We can only go on what OP says

Rubixcuube · 16/01/2020 22:03

Whilst I do agree* I mean

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