To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

[GingaNinja84]

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

The reason “attachment parenting” is a deeply irritating term is because it perpetuates the nonsense that any child who isn’t worn in a sling, breastfed, co-sleeps etc will not have a secure attachment. And we all know that’s nonsense. Attachment disorder is a rare condition and a serious one, and the label should not be used without thought and sense.

So no, OP, you can’t be an “attachment parent” (in the sense most of the people on that group mean) if you work full time and your baby is in childcare. But you will be a good parent nevertheless, if your child’s actual, rather than imaginary, needs are met.

"I don't know, Diane. It feels pretty good to eat, pay my mortgage, and be a good female role model to my daughter. And I'm 100% certain it feels better than being a pathetic, judgy bitch all the time."

I would tell her to FO. Rude woman. Of course you will have a close relationship with your child. As a mum of teenagers it’s how you get on with your kids now in their teens that is important and will determine the relationship you will have with them as they get older.

ZoeWashburne

Fair sick of hearing people talk about working out of the home mums as “role models”, to be honest with you. As if it’s being a poor role model to look after a house and children? Why?

"dottiedodah

I dont think you can be an attachment parent if you are going to be working 9 to 5 really .Can you go P/T for a while instead ,means you will have more time together ."

Dottie...she doesnt need to be an attachment parent, and going full time will be fine. Really annoys me when people do this. OP says she is going back full time and I'm sure she has put a lot of thought into it. So she doesnt need someone to come along and suggest part time does she? Why do you think she isn't capable of making a decision?

@dottiedodah what an amazing insight! If she works part time she will spend more time with her baby!
Presumably she can't work part time for reasons that are none of our business. What a pointless comment.

@WhyNotMe40 - the word ‘repairing’ is so emotive here. I’ve got three grown DC. Full on attachment for first much less so by number 3. It’s all bollocks. Just love your children, look after them and live your life. Jobs and working life are also important.

It’s very important for children to have more than one attachment. And grandparents , fathers and other caregivers can be just as good. Breast feeding etc is not needed fir this.

I love how someone’s telling the OP to disrupt her plans and compromise her family’s financial security for the sake of maintaining a wanky and pointless label.

Modern parenting is a minefield of bollocks.

I exclusively breastfed both of my DCs so met my fair share of AP mums at breastfeeding groups while I was on mat leave. I definitely heard a lot of snippy comments about mothers returning to work. So I'm not surprised that someone made one to you.

The thing is, you can never win with the women who take these things to the extreme. There are so many things that they will strike you off the list for having done, such as:

• giving baby puree instead of 100% baby-led weaning
• stopping breastfeeding before natural term which they claim is 3-5 years old
• going back to work before DC is in school
• putting DC in their own room or bed before they decide to do so on their own

And on and on and on. Lucky you are getting out from under the weight of expectations early so you can live your life and enjoy your baby.

@dottiedodah what a shame OP can't be shackled to her child out of a false guilt perpetuated by crap such as AP.

@thejollyroger don’t be so sensitive. Of course it’s a good thing to see your parents going to work to provide security and a home. I say this as a SAHM (and great role model to my own daughter).

As soon as parenting became a verb, it became nonsense. Just bring up your child, be kind, give them sensible limits and allow them to grow and explore whilst knowing that they can always come back and they’ll probably be fine.

And some won’t be fine because of other things. And some children who are horribly treated will be fine because of other things.

But even if you do everything “right”, you won’t win prizes, get medals or be gifted with the perfect child. So don’t stress it, just love them and do your best and don’t worry about what other people are up to.

@thejollyroger
Yes, because girls and young women don't get enough messaging from society that they should stay at home.

Being a SAHP is work, having a career is work. One is not better than the other. But that being said, seeing women in positions of power, breaking the glass ceiling, is being a good role model. This is all about choice, and showing both options equally (SAHP/ working mum) is good for girls. Women are constantly told we should be the ones to sacrifice our careers to stay at home, that we are 'hurting' children by working etc. We don't live in a society where women are equal in the workplace, and bucking the trend by showing that another option of pursuing your career IS setting a good example towards equality.

Clearly this has hit a nerve for you. But I am not buying into your victimhood that just because a woman is having a career that is an attack on you as a "role model" as a SAHP.

Sipperskipper

No, Sipper, what is being said is that being a working mum (out of the home) makes you a good role model (and by implication) being a SAHM doesn’t. I’m not “sensitive” because I object to that.

One is not better than the other. But that being said, seeing women in positions of power, breaking the glass ceiling, is being a good role model.

No, it’s just doing the best you can by your children by your lights, exactly as SAHP are doing, by theirs.

And I didn’t say I was a SAHP. You’re obviously a patronising arse, though.

You know what though, I'd challenge that woman on what she said - it's a really aggressive, snide thing to say that's intended to hurt - what's her problem, and why does she think it's acceptable to behave like that in a baby group which is about supporting each other (I assume)? Ask her via message in front of everyone!

I'm so cross in your behalf, my NCT group were my lifeline and nobody has ever been the slightest bit mean to each other, because we're there to support one another.

sorry to read and run but

FUCK HER

You're not exclusively breastfeeding- she's 11 months old. You're breastfeeding and giving solids.

I also fail to understand why 'attachment parenting' matters so much. Just do what you need to do and who cares what it's called. Parenting is unique and individual, it doesn't need rules and labels.

What a load of old wank!
You can't wear a baby, they're people not mittens.
You can be attached to your children and not be physically with them 24/7.
You don't need a bloody silly label to be a good parent.
Dad's who work are often quite attached to their offspring too.
Glad you left the group, you are now free to use common sense!

OP I took the same approaches as you with mine. I went back to work part time at six months with both babies. I found a childminder who was fab (although I have to say she did find them challenging at nap time - and understandably didn’t rock them to sleep in a pram like I asked because she had three other kids!).

I found attachment groups really off-putting despite that I had generally the same ideas. They seemed really judgemental. The good friends I eventually made all do things differently and are never judgemental which is true friendship.

I am glad I followed my instincts and ignored what everyone else was doing, you just have to find whatever works for you. Almost 10 years on, it all seems to matter much less. They seem fine and I now hide upstairs with MN at every opportunity

My two adopted children have real diagnosed reactive attachment disorder. Your child will not suffer from this from you going to work. This is deep seated damage and attachment or therapeutic parenting is definitely not about never being seperated or else how would they ever go to school! To be honest I've tried everything over the years and attachment parenting was the most damaging to my children, it gave them the control they think they desire but ultimately made them feel unsafe as sometimes they don't a need a choice they just need to be told!

Im sorry I wasnt meaning to be judgmental at all .OP had stated she was worried about being an "attachment Parent" while working F/T .I was merely trying to suggest an alternative for her .Obviously she will still be a good Mum and her child will be loved and cared for!

OP now I'm worried we (including me) have been too mean about AP! Don't lose your nice mum friends based on this thread. I had some lovely mum friends who loosely followed AP, plus some that did bits of it, and some that didn't follow that approach at all. I think these things only become a problem if people follow them slavishly or start being sanctimonious or judgemental about them.

But the WhatsApp woman was definitely being a cow though, and I bet a lot of other people on the group thought so too!