To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

[GingaNinja84]

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

Well if you're not together you're not doing the attachment thing.
BTW when did being with your child get such a wanky name?
Anyway, if you're working full time you are at work, you're not with your child. Your not attached physically then.

Go back to work to pay your bills by all means but be honest about it.

Your not attached physically then.

Attachment isn’t about being physically together - it’s about the security the child has in relationship with, initially, their primary carers and others. All children are programmed to attach to early care givers when their basic needs are met.

No, you won't be an 'attachment parent' but that's fine. Attachment parenting isn't any more likely to produce well adjusted, happy adults than parents who work, don't co sleep etc.

There's no such thing as an 'attachment parent'. If you are responding to your child's needs you are developing an attachment. Go back to work and leave the whatsapp group. In a few years you'll be amazed how little any of this matters. (From the woman who nearly killed herself breast feeding in total agony for over a year...)

Ignore her!

You have to do what is right for your situation and also what you can afford.

I have gone back after a year and still breastfeeding before work and after work. I want to spend every minute with my baby and I do when I’m home from work and weekends.

I think that was unfair what she said and upsetting for you as it’s tough going back to work after maternity and not all of us want to but most of us have to.

All parenting is attachment parenting - babies are programmed to form attachments to their primary caregivers, if you meet their needs consistently, they’ll be attached to you. Everything else is bullshit, bells and whistles.

Exactly. Babies are designed to form an attachment. They will form an attachment even with a fairly crap parent. In the rare case that a child has problems with attachment, you can bet they've had a genuinely neglectful home life.

I think this is one of the reasons the attachment parenting label annoys me, cos it it puts loads of pressure on new parents to martyr themselves otherwise their baby won't form an attachment, which is bollocks.

Also in my experience it generally means no one in the house gets any sleep at all.

Also I think in some cases (tho not all - some parents calling themselves AP are lovely) there's an element of having to find something to make them feel special compared to all the plebs that are just parenting.

So no - you're not an "attachment parent (as in martyr mum)" but as that's really unhealthy that's a good thing.
Your child will still be very attached to you.
Please don't carry your 11 mo around in a sling though it's not good for their eye development.

Thanks for explaining what AP means @jellycatspyjamas, I thought it meant actually being with your kid eg attached in a physical sense. Who knew 😁

I think sometimes its defensiveness too, the people who call themselves attachment parents might have had judgy comments from their relatives/friends like
"why are you martyring yourself"
"you need a routine"
"making a rod for your own back"
"they'll never learn to sleep by themselves" etc.

@ssd seriously it’s a “thing”, like parenting isn’t hard enough without worrying about a process that happens naturally anyway. Physically being attached to your child at all times almost makes more sense 😁

Footiefan, in answer to your question of how will these children cope with starting school. Most of them will probably be home educated because their parents disapprove of various aspects of school or fear that sending their children to one will damage them for life. I have seen people complaining about their child being mercilessly punished or ritually humiliated by a teacher. On further inspection they lost a minute of playtime for talking or something. I am totally pro building attachment and self esteem with my DC and some people would accuse me of being hippyish, but some parents I have met are very extreme and they are usually privileged women who don't have to worry about bringing in an income or the cost of an organic, gluten free, sugar free, plastic free, vegan lifestyle. I had to go back to work after each of my boys being born.

It does sound like you’ve got a bit caught up in the lifestyle aspect and the group. Yes going to work will be a change but you will still parent your child as you wish. co-sleeping, breastfeeding and baby wearing doesn’t automatically make you a better parent in any case. Also parenting an 18n old is very different to a baby. Your child will get different experiences in childcare and you’d find they need to start to have experiences with children and away from you as they grow. My 3 year old would be bored shitless if she was stuck with me all the time and has been like that for a long time.

Even talking the example of baby wearing. My first child loathed the sling- she probably used it twice. I don’t believe she suffered for not being worn. My second was a much more typical 4th trimester baby and loved the sling and being held but by 9m old was starting to moan about being contained and constrained.

I bloody hate these attachment parenting groups.

I am a mum of four, a montessori teacher and I ran playgroups during my 6 years maternity leave.

A few years ago, I joined attachment groups on social media to understand what some (a small percentage) of the mums were talking about.

What an utter load of bollocks it all is.
I hate these groups as much as I hate MLM's.

YOU do not need to sacrifice yourself. You hold on to your sanity to do the best for your child.

Do what you need to do. Bring up your child in a living way, whilst balancing the pressures of being a modern parent, and don't hurt anyone.
And anyone who judges you is a twat.

I would challenge whether some mothers are 'attachment parenting' purely because they don't want to go back to work and finding a way to justify it

I purposefully chose a childminder over a nursery - she's wonderful, and my daughter hasn't had a single fuss since starting there. Sure, she's happy to see me when I collect her, but all the photos I'm sent from the childminder through her app show a happy little girl who loves playing with the other two children

That sounds excellent and very normal. And comfort yourself with the thought that when the time comes for nursery or school your DD is likely to be more socialised and ready for it than snarky mums DC.

You lost me at 'babywearing'. Wtf???. Just get on with loving your baby and muddling through as we all do.

Thank you all :) I've left the what's app and am getting ready to say goodbye to labels and just get on with parenting my little girl. Hindsight really is great - it was such a toxic group and now I can see that!

Good luck Op.

Forgetting labels is a good idea.

Just parent the best way you can. That's all you need to do. Make decisions you feel are the best for your family at the time you are making them.

I've left the what's app and am getting ready to say goodbye to labels and just get on with parenting my little girl.

Brilliant. Great decision.

Leave them to it. Using labels without knowing the actual meaning of what they're saying is crazy.

Well done OP

Yes well done OP. Follow your instincts.

I dont think you can be an attachment parent if you are going to be working 9 to 5 really .Can you go P/T for a while instead ,means you will have more time together .

Why are you trying to label what you are doing? I mean this in the kindest way possible but attachment parenting is not going to influence your child one bit.

Good for you OP. You are a great role model to your little girl.