AIBU to not want everyone sleeping in ourt bed

[Butterflyflower1234]

DP has three lovely children. He has them EOW and for a few hours during the week. I know each moment with them is precious and I suspect I'm being unreasonable but lately (past 4/5 months) every time we have the DC, they all want to sleep in our bedroom/bed.

DC are 12 (nearly 13), 9 and 6. They 9 and 6 have a bedroom to share and 12 has own room. For the past year or so they'd been sleeping in their rooms with no issues.

Nothing major has happened to create this wanting to sleep with us. DC has had some upset in her life (nothing major I believe) and I know 9 had been sleeping in her bed so this may have sparked the co-sleeping.

I don't think it's appropriate for us all to be sleeping together. Often 6 and 9 sleep in the bed with is and 12 will sleep on a mattress on the floor.

I have to tip toe into my own bedroom, I don't sleep well as there's no space and I don't want to get up during the night to pee in case I wake the kids up.

DP says having these moments together and cuddles is precious which I completely understand but it's not practical.

We'll be TTC in a few months time and I think it'll be even harder to all sleep together if I'm pregnant or with a baby in the room.

How can I sensitively handle this situation? I just think the longer it goes on, the harder it'll be to get them back into their bedrooms.

As far as I'm aware there's no issues with feeling unsafe or anything. They all sleep with the lights on and the rooms are all on the same level. Plus there was no issue initially sleeping in their on rooms.

Yanbu!
Make sure their dad is on side and start putting them back in their own rooms. Stay firm on it. You deserve quality sleep too.

Which one has had some upset in her life?

That should be sorted out before her Father is thinking of having another child.

Why don't you set up a room...one of the kid's rooms...and tell them they can all have a sleepover/camp night there. Put the mattress in there so there's room for them all. String up fairy lights to make it seem special/different/cosier and get them some treats or let them watch a film in there?

Make the three of them sleeping together into a special thing. It's not reasonable for your DH to expect you to carry on like this!

12 is massive...I have an 11 year old whose just grown out of getting in bed with DH and I and it has caused us a few issues over the years. So I understand.

Yanbu

I wouldn't worry about being sensitive, it's a ridiculous situation to have three kids that age in with you, a mattress on the floor too ffs. A simple "Right guys, bed time, all in your own beds tonight" stick to it, fuck that, you can't even go to the toilet, this isn't a step child situation this a a ridiculous situation irrespective of who's kids they are

Maybe they all just want to feel closer to their dad and have made it their minds into a "special" thing they do at his house. Does his ex know? I don't think she would be pleased about it.

It does seem abit ott when you have rooms available for them. Perhaps as an alternative you could have a big "sleepover" in the living room once a month but sleep in their own rooms the rest of the time. You could sleep in your bed on these occasions for some peace (or do you think the dc want you to sleep elsewhere, is it a kind of contraceptive? as they kow if they are sleeping with you, you can't get up to "anything" with their dad?)

You need to agree a plan with their dad and stop this but it needs to be enforced by him so that you are not the "bad stepmother"

I would have dad bunk up with them in their room if he really wants to all sleep together.

It's gorgeous and snuggly in theory and fucking bone numbingly knackering in reality. I didn't allow it with my own kids after very tiny. I wish I did like it but I don't.

I'd take 3 pronged approach. First off whatever the upset in one of the kids'lives was it obviously had more impact than you thought. DH needs to talk to her about it.

Second you talk to them all in a funny/firm way. 'gang I love you all but I can't sleep with everyone in the bed. It has to stop'. Don't mention TTC or new baby, that's irrelevant anyway.

Last, you need to mean it. In your head, sleeping all together is not happening any more. It's not. It's just not. This is the reality.

Good luck!

Don't have a baby just yet with this man, see how he reacts to you putting an end to this ridiculous sleeping set up.

Honestly only in an absolute emergency situation woukd this set up be OK. They are asleep, it's not quality time, if it is comfort and reassurance they need, it should be done in the waking, conscious hours so they can process the benefits and work through stuff, talking, cuddles, discussion etc.

YANBU. I have an 11 year old and a 9 year old and I love a morning with them one at a time but I wouldn't want them sleeping there all night.

YANBU! You need to put and end to this before you’re pregnant - otherwise when you have to stop because you’re massive / achey / getting up for the toilet in the night, the kids will associate your moving them out of the room with the new arrival and may resent it. Your DH can always join in a sleepover in one of the kids rooms but it’s ridiculous to expect you to put up with this - I’m sure you wouldn’t if they were your own kids at that age.

I'd tell him fine, he can sleep with the children, but not in your room. It's not fair on you to feel pushed out like that. If they all want to doss down in one of the other bedrooms then fine, but your room is your room.

I can't imagine why you want to add a newborn into this.
If you got pregnant you'd need sleep and bed space!
Yanbu and lots of people wouldn't want this situation, but he does and there's nothing really wrong with it. So maybe you just have very different parenting styles.
Either way you need to sort this before you ttc.

Thanks for the replies. The upset was with their DM who split up with her boyfriend but they are now back together so in theory things should be ok again. DD 9 started sleeping with DM when they broke up and perhaps this was the start of the sleep overs. I'm unsure if she's back in her own bed now.

The issue is actually with my DP. I've mentioned to him that I don't think it's appropriate every time they sleep over for them to sleep in with us and he gets incredibly defensive saying it's his only chance for cuddles.

I think I might suggest they sleep in one of the other rooms together. Again I don't think this is fair every time but I'd rather that and me get some sleep.

Parental bed is an absolute no go for all kids in our house. Absolutely DF sleeps with them if he wants but absolutely not in your bed. Mean it.

It would be fine with both parents, but completely inappropriate with a new partner. Your DP needs to move in the spare room when the kids are around, but they shouldn't be in YOUR bed. (or in the mother's new boyfriend's bed either).

It would be unfair on the kids if they miss on sleeping with parents because they have new partners - they would be with their parents if they were still together - 12 is getting too old, but 6? they are only little.

But again, your partner needs his own bed, not yours.

12 is a bit old to be sharing a bed with their dad isn’t it? Bit odd. I would just put your foot down and tell him if he wants to sleep with them then he needs to sleep in their room with them. Not appropriate they’re sharing your bed.

YANBU

"Only time for cuddles". He can cuddle them all day and evening if he wants but not in bed! If he wants night time "cuddles" then he should sleep in with them or with them in the living room. Especially with the older ones it's not appropriate and I would feel very awkward in your situation. I think the Dc want reassurance and it is probably a quite primal "pack mentality" thing to snuggle together. Perhaps your DP could ask for some more contact time if this is what the DC crave at heart to feel more ressured that he isn't going to "leave" them ?

Not the best time to be ttc you rightly think you should get this sorted first

Have you spelled out to him that you don't like having to tiptoe into my the bedroom, you don't sleep well and don't want to get up to pee? And have you talked about your worries once you're pregnant and have a baby?

I don't see why he can't have cuddles in the evening if you're watching telly/reading together on the sofa etc.

It is not just impractical it is also very inappropriate given the ages of the children. It really needs to stop.

If DP wants cuddles with his kids, that's fine. But you don't have to put up with disrupted sleep. Agree either he goes into a different room with the kids or you do.

Also get this resolved before TTC.

The upset was with their DM who split up with her boyfriend but they are now back together so in theory things should be ok again.

It's really not that simple! The children have experienced their parents separating, and then their mother and her partner (albeit temporarily as it turns out).

Whilst I don't think people should stay together for the sake of the children, a little sensitivity wouldnt go amiss.

Can he stop it by saying 'only first thing in the morning'? So they sleep all night in their own beds and then everyone piles in for breakfast and cuddles and tea - and you can get up and do your own thing whilst they cuddle up?

It's a lot of people in one bed and nobody can be getting much sleep. If he sees plenty of them, and the routine is well established, I think you need to start a new routine before you start ttc.

Try to compromise - good night cuddle for 10-15 min and tell them they can come for morning cuddle too but they need to understand that you need your own space for a good night sleep.
My DD is like that - likes to be cuddled so every morning she waits for her dad to get up for work and comes for her morning cuddle 😊