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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want everyone sleeping in ourt bed

115 replies

Butterflyflower1234 · 13/01/2020 09:26

DP has three lovely children. He has them EOW and for a few hours during the week. I know each moment with them is precious and I suspect I'm being unreasonable but lately (past 4/5 months) every time we have the DC, they all want to sleep in our bedroom/bed.

DC are 12 (nearly 13), 9 and 6. They 9 and 6 have a bedroom to share and 12 has own room. For the past year or so they'd been sleeping in their rooms with no issues.

Nothing major has happened to create this wanting to sleep with us. DC has had some upset in her life (nothing major I believe) and I know 9 had been sleeping in her bed so this may have sparked the co-sleeping.

I don't think it's appropriate for us all to be sleeping together. Often 6 and 9 sleep in the bed with is and 12 will sleep on a mattress on the floor.

I have to tip toe into my own bedroom, I don't sleep well as there's no space and I don't want to get up during the night to pee in case I wake the kids up.

DP says having these moments together and cuddles is precious which I completely understand but it's not practical.

We'll be TTC in a few months time and I think it'll be even harder to all sleep together if I'm pregnant or with a baby in the room.

How can I sensitively handle this situation? I just think the longer it goes on, the harder it'll be to get them back into their bedrooms.

As far as I'm aware there's no issues with feeling unsafe or anything. They all sleep with the lights on and the rooms are all on the same level. Plus there was no issue initially sleeping in their on rooms.

OP posts:
Randomname85 · 13/01/2020 11:15

They’re not with you permanently- I think YABU. Can you not sleep in one of their beds while they visit if you’re so uncomfortable? I think it’s lovely their dad is fostering this need they currently have (which they won’t have forever).

Original poster
Butterflyflower1234 · 13/01/2020 11:16

I really don't think it's inappropriate me sleeping with the DC. I'll be their Step mum shortly. I've been in their lives for years and they clearly feel comfortable with me.

I just don't think it's good for everyone involved. They need to be independent and have structure when they are with us. I know cuddles are so important but I think so is a good nights sleep.

OP posts:
Sultanaofping · 13/01/2020 11:18

I would be thinking very carefully about how you are going to cope with being this far down the pecking order long term. If what he says goes and his DC always get what they want where is that going to leave you and any babies you have? Bottom of the list?

Whether co sleeping is 'appropriate' really isn't the point, you, as one half of a partnership, don't want to share your bed, he should at least be listening to that and trying to find a workable solution. The fact that he's dismissing you instead doesn't bode well at all, is this really the life you want for you and your child, having no say or control over something as fundamental as your bed/sleep?

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:21

There’s nothing wrong in theory about co-sleeping, it certainly isn’t “inappropriate”.

would you say the same thing about a 12 year old girl sleeping in her mums'bed with new boyfriend?
Of course it's inappropriate for step-parents to sleep with children!

It's MN, most posters will reply differently when the new partner is the girlfriend - as opposed to a new boyfriend. In the real world, it's just not on.

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 11:22

I do agree that this behaviour from DH does reveal how he sees you in the pecking order.

Also, Disney Dads often want their new partner to play an idealised version of mum to his children, as demonstrated by many MN threads. There was a thread recently by an OP whose H expected his her to sit in the room whilst he and his son played video games, even though his wife wanted to go upstairs and read. It sounds like your DH is similar in some ways.

MrsTWH · 13/01/2020 11:23

YANBU - I wouldn’t have this with my own kids. Everyone needs a good night’s sleep. Everyone has their own room. If there are issues to be addressed to make them feel safe and secure in their own beds (at nearly 13!!) then those need addressing sharpish.

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:23

Am I the only one who finds all this “snuggling” excessive?

yes, just you.

Kids sleeping in their own bed each is a very modern thing, and not necessarily a good one - personal choice, but surely not excessive.

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 11:23

would you say the same thing about a 12 year old girl sleeping in her mums'bed with new boyfriend?

Would you RTFT and see that the 12 yo sleeps on a mattress on the floor? Hmm

FraglesRock · 13/01/2020 11:23

Every time they're in your room at bedtime is sleep in another room.
What a ridiculous set up, does he get up super early so he can spend lots of time with them or is snuggles in bed so he can have a lie in.
Does he expect the baby, you two and the sc to all share a room or would the baby have to have another room so it wouldn't wake them up, maybe you could share the baby's room so he and 'his' children could still snuggle.
I wouldn't be conceiving in this situation and would tell him so.

JacquesHammer · 13/01/2020 11:23

would you say the same thing about a 12 year old girl sleeping in her mums'bed with new boyfriend

The OP isn’t a new partner.

Of course it's inappropriate for step-parents to sleep with children!

You might think so, I don’t.

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:24

I do agree that this behaviour from DH does reveal how he sees you in the pecking order.

so a man who doesn't put his new girlfriend above his own kids? Sounds like a catch to me.

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 11:26

Subjecting your wife to FOUR people in one bed is Not reasonable behaviour.

Most people have said DH should sleep with DC in another room, who OP would be happy with. Why are you so determined that OP should continue to be subjected to this?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/01/2020 11:26

Most PPs have addressed main issue so I'm addressing this one: is the 9 year old sleeping in a bed with her DM and DM's boyfriend? Because that's weird too. How does your DP feel about that?

Drum2018 · 13/01/2020 11:27

I wouldn't feel I had to be overly sensitive. They are old enough to understand that they need to sleep in their own beds. Just tell them that from next visit everyone will sleep in their own rooms. See if there is anything they need in their rooms - nightlight if they don't like the dark, black out blinds if it's too bright, character bed clothes for example.

Original poster
Butterflyflower1234 · 13/01/2020 11:30

I know my place in the pecking order and I'm ok with it. I'm a strong women, I don't need to be top priority to be happy. So long as the DC are happy, safe and secure then I'm happy too.

This is literally our only 'issue'. I'm very happy with our relationship and often DP comes around to my way of thinking once he's had a chance to properly consider it.

I love those DC so much so I really don't see it inappropriate (in that sense!) to be sharing a bed. For me, it's just impractical.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyflower1234 · 13/01/2020 11:31

@GiveHerHellFromUs I'm not sure if 9 sleeps with DM DB. We trust that DM will make the right decisions for her DC.

OP posts:
Inherdefence · 13/01/2020 11:34

I think you are underestimating the impact of the mums split and then reunion with the bf has had on them. It can actually be worse and more upsetting if they have got back together. They have suffered the loss of him (after already losing their dad as a permanent fixture) and then, totally out of their control, he’s back again. Inconsistency is not good for children. Even if they aren’t consciously aware of it they are probably on edge waiting for him to disappear again. No wonder they feel the need to cling to dad.

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:35

I think it's pretty shit if a 6 year old can't sleep with their day because he has a girlfriend.

and a 9 year old girl with a new boyfriend would be just as inappropriate Hmm

OP planning on having unprotected sex TTC? So baby/toddler won't be allowed in bed ever? Or the existing children will be told that their new half sibling has more right than they have with their own dad? Nice.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/01/2020 11:35

DD 9 started sleeping with DM when they broke up and perhaps this was the start of the sleep overs. I'm unsure if she's back in her own bed now.

Mmm. I wonder if their mother took a child in with her because she wanted a bit of comfort, and now this has just sort of snowballed.

Definitely stop it, though - you can't possibly get a decent night's sleep like that and it will do your bladder no good if you have to hold your pee in all night.

As PP has suggested - if your DH values this "cuddle time" so much. let him hug them all in n the settee on an evening before bed, or let him sleep on a mattress on the floor of the biggest kids' room, and they can all pile in on top of him.

He's just being stupid about this.

VenusClapTrap · 13/01/2020 11:36

You said in your op that you thought it was inappropriate. That’s why that has been picked up on. 🤷‍♀️

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/01/2020 11:37

OP planning on having unprotected sex TTC? So baby/toddler won't be allowed in bed ever? Or the existing children will be told that their new half sibling has more right than they have with their own dad?

A new baby in the bed would be a different scenario altogether Jose and you know it. Plus there is nothing that says that OP would want that as a regular thing either.

You're being deliberately obtuse.

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:39

SchadenfreudePersonified

YOU are being deliberately obtuse. Of course the OP will consider her own baby differently, I was talking about the FATHER. Existing children and new baby will be exactly the same to him. Or should be..

You don't think children from 1st relationship are the same? Really?

Urkiddingright · 13/01/2020 11:46

An almost 13 year old wanting to share a bed with their Dad isn’t normal imo, not one bit. There’s no way I’d have wanted to do that at 13, who would?! Most 13 year olds are a hormonal mess wishing to be as far away from their ‘embarrassing’ parents as possible. I mean, they’re in year 8 at school for heavens sake.

How is it his only chance for cuddles? He can hug them at any point during the day.

Original poster
Butterflyflower1234 · 13/01/2020 11:47

I meant inappropriate from all not being able to sleep properly, nothing sexual whatsoever.

Sadly we don't have a good relationship with DC DM so we can't really find out the root cause of things. I wish things could improve but I'm not really in a position to try and change these things.

That's partly what I'm concerned with. If/when we do have a baby and they are sleeping in the cot in the bedroom then even more so there won't be enough room in the bedroom and a baby will definitely wake them up.

I'd like them back in their rooms before this happens as I don't want them feeling like they're being pushed out because of the baby.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/01/2020 11:56

You don't think children from 1st relationship are the same? Really?

I don't think OLDER children need to be treated identically to newborns or even toddlers.