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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want everyone sleeping in ourt bed

115 replies

Butterflyflower1234 · 13/01/2020 09:26

DP has three lovely children. He has them EOW and for a few hours during the week. I know each moment with them is precious and I suspect I'm being unreasonable but lately (past 4/5 months) every time we have the DC, they all want to sleep in our bedroom/bed.

DC are 12 (nearly 13), 9 and 6. They 9 and 6 have a bedroom to share and 12 has own room. For the past year or so they'd been sleeping in their rooms with no issues.

Nothing major has happened to create this wanting to sleep with us. DC has had some upset in her life (nothing major I believe) and I know 9 had been sleeping in her bed so this may have sparked the co-sleeping.

I don't think it's appropriate for us all to be sleeping together. Often 6 and 9 sleep in the bed with is and 12 will sleep on a mattress on the floor.

I have to tip toe into my own bedroom, I don't sleep well as there's no space and I don't want to get up during the night to pee in case I wake the kids up.

DP says having these moments together and cuddles is precious which I completely understand but it's not practical.

We'll be TTC in a few months time and I think it'll be even harder to all sleep together if I'm pregnant or with a baby in the room.

How can I sensitively handle this situation? I just think the longer it goes on, the harder it'll be to get them back into their bedrooms.

As far as I'm aware there's no issues with feeling unsafe or anything. They all sleep with the lights on and the rooms are all on the same level. Plus there was no issue initially sleeping in their on rooms.

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 13/01/2020 10:22

Kids do like to sleep with their parents if they can get away with it. My DD(9) would sleep with me every night if she could so it's not unusual for the children to want to sleep with you. It's just not practical to do it all the time though especially if it's disturbing your sleep.
I would say they can all sleep together in one of their rooms if they really can't manage to sleep by themselves.

Meltedwellie · 13/01/2020 10:26

Going against what most people have said, if I were you I would just go into one of the other bedrooms to sleep and leave the kids with their dad. Snuggling in bed is different to cuddles at other times. It makes kids feel safe and close to their parent. It’s only twice a month. The years go past in a flash and it won’t be long before they’re eye rolling at the thought of sharing with dad.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2020 10:27

Hmmm, defensive and shutting you down when it’s an issue that has a big impact on you is a bad sign. You should be able to discuss anything and everything calmly. Who’s pushing for the two of you to ttc? It would be a mistake to get further committed to a man you can’t communicate with properly and you’ll have decades of drama ahead if you do.

He can cuddle them in their own beds. He can’t expect you to give up your place of rest.

I’m very relaxed about my step kids getting into bed with us in the morning, and the baby is often in with us during the night but we have a king size bed, only two older children and there’d still be nowhere near enough room for everyone to sleep comfortably together and it’s not something I’d be okay with.

You matter too.

If the one who’s been unsettled recently needs extra contact and reassurance he gets in with her. Put your foot down. And I know it’s not the point of your thread but please think very carefully about having a baby with him if he’s so happy to disregard your valid feelings. Blending families is a complicated business and it’s only got a chance of success if you’re both oh exactly the same page.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 13/01/2020 10:28

I want to know how on earth you will TTC with three other people in the room??

VenusClapTrap · 13/01/2020 10:31

It would be a big fat nope from me. Your partner needs to sort this out, and no ttc until he does. Cuddles on a morning - fine. But not all night. Not appropriate and not practical.

gingersausage · 13/01/2020 10:31

Am I the only one who finds all this “snuggling” excessive? It seems to have become a national sport in the last few years, and of course needs to be documented on SM

I’d tell them they can come in your bed any time after your usual getting up time. Otherwise just the kids can sleep in whichever of their rooms they choose. Your husband really doesn’t need to sleep with them though. They are not infants.

Ponoka7 · 13/01/2020 10:33

"I'm unsure if she's back in her own bed now."

He should be finding out from his ex. He needs to be on the same page as her.

Are you in a rush ttc, because of age? In not, it needs to be put on hold until you are all communicating better and things have moved forward.

Four children are a lot, especially as one enters the teen years and one start high school. Which will be the case.

Notcontent · 13/01/2020 10:34

The thing is that no matter how well adjusted and happy you say the kids are, having divorced parents and going from house to house always has an impact on children. So it’s likely they are craving a feeling of security. Also, I don’t think there is anything inappropriate with children at any age sharing a bed. But it’s obviously depriving you of sleep so agree with others that you should just go and sleep in another room or your DH should go into a different room with the children.

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 10:35

I think I might suggest they sleep in one of the other rooms together. Again I don't think this is fair every time but I'd rather that and me get some sleep.

Good idea. I hope he takes cares of his own kids when he has them and doesn’t expect you to be mum? Does he cook and clean after them?

TheVanguardSix · 13/01/2020 10:36

How long have you lived together OP?

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 10:36

But it’s obviously depriving you of sleep so agree with others that you should just go and sleep in another room or your DH should go into a different room with the children.

No way should OP leave her bedroom. That will cause a heap of issues. DH needs to sleep with DC in another room.

JacquesHammer · 13/01/2020 10:38

There’s nothing wrong in theory about co-sleeping, it certainly isn’t “inappropriate”.

DD13 sometimes co-sleeps with me, but is equally happy to sleep in her own room here, at her dads or at her grandparents.

If the co-sleeping isn’t practical, then gentle action should be taken - all 3 sharing a room would be a great start.

TigerBreadAddict · 13/01/2020 10:40

I agree with @Meltedwellie but then I let my 12 and 9 year old climb in occasionally when they’re upset or ill . They see it as a massive treat.

Aloe6 · 13/01/2020 10:41

I agree with Meltedwellie

For the twice a month weekends you have them, I’d allow them to sleep with their dad and get a good nights sleep alone in one of their rooms. The closeness is obviously comforting to them, would you really resent that? Their current needs come before the plans for a theoretical baby. If anything, the baby plans need to go on hold until these children are more settled.

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 10:48

And what’s OP going to do when she has a baby? Sleep on floor of baby’s room?

Best to establish a routine now that DH sleeps with dc elsewhere.

AuntSelmaJane · 13/01/2020 10:51

defensive and shutting you down when it’s an issue that has a big impact on you is a bad sign

100% agree. Op, think very carefully about how your partner has reacted here.

And have a think about how you, while caring for and balancing priorities/comfort of all family members, would react.

I would urge you to reconsider having a planned baby with him.

Are you going to have to have this battle with him (& 3 kids who'll resent you for it/the newborn) when you're sleep deprived, just given birth? (And in my case, needing privacy to deal with incontinence and csection wound infection issues, nevermind the joy of waking up after precious sleep only to find yourself in a puddle of boob milk!)

Fuck knows what your partner's plan is then, but it sounds like a classic bad parent game of "how to make kids resentful and angry at stepmum and newborn" to me..

LumpyPillow · 13/01/2020 10:51

If he's completely ignoring your wishes and concerns on this I'd listen very carefully to that.

MissSmith1 · 13/01/2020 10:56

Is it because he can't be arsed getting up and taking them to their own bed???

If that is the case will he magically step up when you need help with a new baby?

helberg · 13/01/2020 10:58

No, this has to stop.
He can snuggle with them in one of their rooms if he wants to. He can set up mattresses on the floor, whatever he wants.
But you need your sleep and 5 people in one room is far too many when it's a regular thing.

Also don't like how he's shutting down discussion about this.

Original poster

Butterflyflower1234 · 13/01/2020 11:05

Thanks again for the replies. So 12 normally sleeps on a mattress on the floor but does like to be in the same room as I think doesn't want to miss out.

I have made my point about me thinking it's not right for us all to sleep in the same room but he makes me feel like some evil person stopping him from cuddling his DC.

It's not like that at all. I do also love the cuddles and closeness but I'm thinking long term it won't work out for the best.

This is the only issue with us so it's not like he's a bad person. I love him dearly but he has classic Disney Dad guilt so wants to do whatever makes the DC happy.

I think I'll see what happens next time we're over and go from there. If he suggests sleeping in the same bed, I will say no but they can all sleep in the spare room.

OP posts:

VenusClapTrap · 13/01/2020 11:06

The ‘inappropriate’ comments refer to the fact that the op is not the children’s parent. Nobody is suggesting that co-sleeping with your own 12 year old is inappropriate.

busybarbara · 13/01/2020 11:07

You'll have to call an end to it eventually, but maybe I'm old fashioned, but this sort of sleeping arrangement was the norm hundreds of years ago. It's actually very natural. Just not what we do nowadays.

fedup21 · 13/01/2020 11:12

I wouldn’t be able to sleep like this-It would be an ultimatum from me! They go or I do!

Do not have a baby with this man yet.

jillandhersprite · 13/01/2020 11:13

In our family without the issue of 'step' we are happy to share and bed hop like is happening the weekends the kids are with you.
Its not about one person being right and the other wrong - its just different approach/attitude... How do you resolve other conflicts that happen in normal life and take the same approach?
I would let it go if I felt they were doing it for security and comfort. If they are doing it because they don't like you and want to piss you off then a different approach is needed.
Also bear in mind that if you make a stand on this and push your view - you can't then change it if you want to give your new baby the same privileges when they are no longer a baby and want to come in for cuddles...

JacquesHammer · 13/01/2020 11:15

The ‘inappropriate’ comments refer to the fact that the op is not the children’s parent

I don't find that inappropriate either.

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