AIBU to not want everyone sleeping in ourt bed

[Butterflyflower1234]

DP has three lovely children. He has them EOW and for a few hours during the week. I know each moment with them is precious and I suspect I'm being unreasonable but lately (past 4/5 months) every time we have the DC, they all want to sleep in our bedroom/bed.

DC are 12 (nearly 13), 9 and 6. They 9 and 6 have a bedroom to share and 12 has own room. For the past year or so they'd been sleeping in their rooms with no issues.

Nothing major has happened to create this wanting to sleep with us. DC has had some upset in her life (nothing major I believe) and I know 9 had been sleeping in her bed so this may have sparked the co-sleeping.

I don't think it's appropriate for us all to be sleeping together. Often 6 and 9 sleep in the bed with is and 12 will sleep on a mattress on the floor.

I have to tip toe into my own bedroom, I don't sleep well as there's no space and I don't want to get up during the night to pee in case I wake the kids up.

DP says having these moments together and cuddles is precious which I completely understand but it's not practical.

We'll be TTC in a few months time and I think it'll be even harder to all sleep together if I'm pregnant or with a baby in the room.

How can I sensitively handle this situation? I just think the longer it goes on, the harder it'll be to get them back into their bedrooms.

As far as I'm aware there's no issues with feeling unsafe or anything. They all sleep with the lights on and the rooms are all on the same level. Plus there was no issue initially sleeping in their on rooms.

@Butterflyflower1234 your last sentence pretty much sums it all up really and i'm sure your DP couldn't argue with that. Maybe you could all have breakfast in bed together on a Saturday or Sunday morning, I used to love that as a child when staying with my grandparents it was a real treat.

I think there is a compromise to be had, here.

Set up the biggest kids room as the co sleeping room, your DP can go on there and sleep when his DC are with you.

Then later on, when baby is around, baby can sleep in cot in your room, that way the DC won't have to be disturbed at night.

Don't be the one to move out the room to sleep elsewhere when the DC are around.

No way i would have the DC in my bed. I have 4 of my own and I dont have them in my bed. Cant believe folks on here saying how lovely it is. They are not babies or toddlers. My DC have there own beds and thats where they sleep.

Its also odd that the DC have suddenly started wanting to. Are the DC okay with their DM partner, is him returning causing an issue?

OP could be fine sleeping with baby in baby's room for 2 weekends a month, potentially. If she had a Velcro baby who woke all night she might find herself doing that anyway! I agree with pps saying it's not often & not for many more months (the 12yo won't want to for long, surely).

But yes also agree DH needs to work through his defensiveness and guilt about his existing kids before having more.

Dad co sleeping with his kids one night in 14 - fine.

Everyone piling into your bedroom and expecting you to be fine with it or move out - not ok. Esp with new baby possibility.

So, let him have all the cuddles, but in a different room. Is there another room that’s big enough OP?

he gets incredibly defensive saying it's his only chance for cuddles.

What an utterly ridiculous statement.
Unless his DC only visit between bedtime hours, he has plenty of opportunity to cuddle them when they are awake.

Why is he bullshitting like this?
Howcome he is not listening to you when you tell him it's fucking up your sleep? - is that not important to him?
What is the dynamic between you two, that he feels qualified to dictate to another adult who is going to be sleeping in her bed?
Does he not feel it is your home too? (I hope it IS?)
Why can he not co-sleep in one of the DC's rooms? If it's that important to him, he can sort out a mattress large enough for 4, & leave you to your own bed.

The point PP raised about changing this situation before you are pregnant, so that the DC do not associate their removal from your bed with the imminence of your baby is an excellent one. Make sure DP understands this.

However ... I would also put off TTC with this man, until he demonstrates that he can listen to you. His lack of respect for you, your place in your own bedroom, & your need for comfort & undisturbed sleep is worrying. In effect, he's telling you that you are the last in the pecking order, & your wishes count for nothing. He's maybe showing you what he thinks of your status within his family. Think long & hard on that one, & how much of everyday life he gets to control & have final say on, before you are knocked up, barefoot & in HIS kitchen ...

I couldn't be doing with this.
When I first moved in with my partner, his 16yo son sometimes got in bed with him in a morning to chat and chill - I found that really, really uncomfortable, as he kept doing it even when I was in the bed, and he is pretty much a fully grown man now!

I know this is a little different, but I had to put a stop to it, and so must you. Mattresses on the floor if needed, or everyone in another room, yes. But not in your bed. I would also suggest that if you come to bed and there is little room for you, just go and get in one of the other beds. He only has them a few nights a month by the sound of it, and although it probably makes me sound pathetic, I would rather just sleep elsewhere if it was going to cause major issues with DP.

EOW isnt a huge amount of time....

Can you set up one of the other rooms with a double bed and they all sleep in there... Or even Just sharing the room how ever it is...

Yes, u wont be with your husband but you get your own bed and when pregnant / baby is born, then privacy

But if husband does do that...
He cant just come back into your room when the baby is born, because that will cause major jealousy in the children

How the fuck do you even all fit?!?! I couldn’t think of anything worse!!

My 10yo slept in my bed a few weeks ago because his sister was away and he didn’t like being at the other end of the house all by himself. I didn’t sleep a wink. He flailed about all night and it was roasting.

The thought of an adult, a 9yo and a 6yo in bed with me, plus a 12yo on the floor fills me with horror!

Honestly them being step children is irrelevant, it sounds like shit even if they were your biological children!

OP could you compromise by having a 'sleepover night' on a Friday - movie, snacks, everyone on the floor in the living room (blow up mattresses if necessary) etc and then everyone in their own beds on a Saturday?

Apologies if this is a ridiculous question but do you think he could be using this as an excuse not to TTC?

The upset was with their DM who split up with her boyfriend but they are now back together so in theory things should be ok again.

I think you'll find that's just as bad, if not worse. Fact is, they split up. Instead of being able to adjust to the new normal of him not being around, they've now got to readjust to him being back. So there's always the possibility that he could leave again, having done it once already. If they like him, they'll be trying to appease him. Or they'll be altering their behaviour to keep their mum happy, if they can.

I can tell when my bf's ex has a new partner because of the way his DD behaves. She just becomes much more unsettled when her mother has a new boyfriend, or splits up with him, or whatever it is she gets up to. It's the change that's unsettling and the threat of change.

They only get their dad for 4 days every month. That's hardly any time. If they want to sleep with him, and he wants to sleep with them, then that's what should happen. I don't think it's appropriate for kids to be sharing beds with stepparents, although I know some disagree, but that's beside the point since you don't want to sleep with them anyway. So the common sense solution seems to be the kids and their dad sleeping in one room, and you in another. As for another baby, you haven't even started TTC yet. By the time you actually have a newborn, this sleeping arrangement could have totally changed without you forcing the issue. The 12 year old could be 13,14+.

I think it's worth sitting down with him when they aren't there and talki h through practicalities - of weeing, of quality of sleep, and of pregnancy sleeping and newborn. Acknowledge and recognise that he loves the cuddles and that cuddles are very important to him, the girls and yes also you. Ask for his help how to resolve the need for cuddles and secure attachment with the girls with your need for restful sleep.

Maybe a regular film night all piled in your bed with popcorn and cuddles, then back to their own beds to sleep?

Honestly thank you so much for all the reasonable responses. I've taken it all on board.

Thankfully been chatting to DP and he has seen my point of view. He is always like this, we have a tiff in the heat of the moment (that was last night at mid night not the best time lol) then today he's had time to reflect and sees things more clearly.

We're going to get the DC involved with decorating their bedrooms. That way they may feel more at home and want to spend time in their own rooms.

I'm loving the ideas of big sleep overs. We could get the mattresses downstairs and all sleep together. Put some fairy lights up and even have the fire going. Sounds lovely.

I would hate not having my own space. It's not on for your DH to not respect your feelings about this. The suggestion for another room to be sleepover room which DH can join his children in overnight seems best compromise.

Don't you move to another room, if this is simply about reassurance and cuddles for everyone else let them crack on in another room, there's nothing wrong with that if everyone is happy with that. If a baby arrives you'll need your privacy and baby in with you, would be nightmare with other kids in with you as well.

Sounds fab @Butterflyflower1234!

We had a similar issue but no SC involved. DD 11 and DS 8 have slept in our room for well over a year. Both on mattresses on the floor so not bed sharing but it got to the point where we just had zero alone time. It initially started with mattresses down in case one was ill or had a bad dream but it soon became every night.

We decided to stop it and from 1 jam the mattresses have gone and they are in own rooms. DD has been fine but DS has been coming into our room up to 4 times a night so we're knackered. But we've been firm and taken him back to bed every single time. Things are improving and once he's fully settled we will allow monthly sleepovers if they want.

I think you either have to be firm or when they are there you go in room alone and leave dp to it.

Great news, I think that sounds like a fab idea!

Good gracious, you poor thing !! Tell him you’re moving out if he does it again.
Or set up a camp in one of the rooms, for him to sleep with all of them.. the idiot.

Oops forgot to read the update, pleased it’s all working out well. Use the camping in a room idea, if it crops up again.

I'm loving the ideas of big sleep overs. We could get the mattresses downstairs and all sleep together. Put some fairy lights up and even have the fire going.

Absolutely this, OP.
Plus films or games & treats. It's the weekend after all!
Make a big special deal out of it all, while keeping your room for you.
This way, you get to join in with the cuddling but can still retreat to your own sanctuary at will.

Yanbu.

Nobody sleeps with me, not even my DH. We have our own bedrooms and ensuite bathrooms and it's brilliant.

I think you need to be firm here, they aren't babies.

I couldn't cope with the DSC visits if I didn't have one room where I knew they wouldn't be. Every step parent deserves a bit of privacy and a space to retreat.

Let them all pile in with your partner and you get a good night sleep in one of their beds! Lol!