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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the faff of changing my surname if we get married this year...

160 replies

SweetMarmalade · 12/01/2020 21:24

Dp & I have been together for almost 25 years, have a dc.

Possibly going to tie the knot this year, no big event, we’ve decided we really should just go ahead and do it. Won’t change who we are, our relationship but it will make us both feel secure for the future.

My biggest issue is changing my name! I’m late 40’s, at this time in my life the thought of changing my name seems like a big pita! Bank, passport, GP, hospital, driving license etc etc

Dp would like me to change my name, I’d like to keep it! We’ve talked about if I possibly‘double-barrel’ it but it’s still a faff! I love my surname, it means a lot to me and my heritage.

I love him, want to marry him, aibu not wanting to change my name?

OP posts:
1300cakes · 13/01/2020 00:03

But why would OP do that? She doesn't have to change her name socially, legally, or in any way.

They have been "living in sin" for 20 years. Why why why would OP now want to change her name? If she really wanted, she could have changed it to DPs name 20 years ago. No rule you have to be married to change names. Go down to deed poll office and change it to whatever you want.

echt · 13/01/2020 01:03
  1. Your name, your decision.
  2. The fact that he wouldn't change his name yet is keen for you to change yours tells you everything you need to know.
Likethebattle · 13/01/2020 01:16

I changed mine and it wasn’t really a faff. I went into the bank with my certificate, easy. Sent off for a ne driving licence, let HMRC know online, voters roll online, council tax I sent off my Marriage cert. I got 2 extra marriage certificates from the register and as each company returned then I then sent a copy to the next provider. Some places asked for photocopies only. My passport hasn’t been changed yet as it’s £80 so I’ll do it on renewal.

S0upertrooper · 13/01/2020 05:13

I've been married 30 years with 1 DC. I didn't change my name, I Ms and don't wear a wedding ring. My DH never expected me to take his name but MIL was horrified, I think she took it as a personal slur. DC has my second name as middle name and DH's name as second name, not double barrelled and often doesn't use middle name, although I was chuffed when he used both names at his graduation.

I think if it had been an option back in the day we'd probably have gone for a civil partnership rather than marriage but we both felt the pressure from parents and society.

I'd ask your STBDH why it's so important to him that you take his name and don't accept 'because'. He needs to really think about this, it's important to you and in no way an indication that you feel less for him.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 13/01/2020 05:17

You can still retain your surname professionally and only use his for personal reasons?

MrFMercury · 13/01/2020 05:59

I changed my name to DH's because I didn't want my father's name any longer than I had to. It also bothered me somehow not having the same name as my child which surprised me.
I get the rage when we receive letters addressed to Mr and Mrs DH initial and surname tho. When it's the grandparents I let it go, generational thing I guess. When school did it I did point out their mistake. I wasn't 'given away' at my wedding, have little patience for that kind of crap and DH wouldn't have cared what name I had. Had we not planned to get married I'd have changed my name via deed poll (we've been together since we were pretty young) in which case I'd have been more likely to keep my name. I guess what mattered to me was having a genuine choice.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 13/01/2020 06:12

I did change my name when I got married, but to be honest in was such a nuisance. So many different places I had to do it for and in the end I just carried round a certified copy of my marriage certificate for ages, as if I went to the bank for example, and my card was in my old name still but my drivers licence was in my new name, it caused so much trouble.

G5000 · 13/01/2020 06:14

I changed my name to DH's because I didn't want my father's name any longer than I had to. It also bothered me somehow not having the same name as my child
If your name was your father's then surely you changed your name to your FIL's? Which is of course fair enough if FIL is a nicer person than your father and you'd rather be connected to him that way, but it does not mean only men own their names.

It is also possible to give children their mother's name.

orangejuicer · 13/01/2020 06:31

Do people still change their name after marriage? It's so outdated.

orangejuicer · 13/01/2020 06:31

I mean in a hetero relationship and taking his name, not hers.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 13/01/2020 06:35

Me and dp will be marrying next year and will be Mr and Mrs Myname. Ds will have my name when he is born. I said I wouldn't take his name and I want the same name as our children so he decided he will change his. Neither of us actually asked the other to change their name.

eaglejulesk · 13/01/2020 06:37

I don't know anyone who changes their name these days. It seems very old-fashioned.

A lot of woman still change their name - all the young women where I used to work did it, and they were all very modern young things!

eaglejulesk · 13/01/2020 06:39

"women"

elastamum · 13/01/2020 06:41

I kept my very unusual name when I married, which saved me the trouble of changing it back when I divorced!

AdoreTheBeach · 13/01/2020 06:56

I’m fairly traditional. I changed my band when I got married. Personally felt it was very symbolic start of our new life together. Our children also have the same last name. We’re a family unit with the same name.

HOWEVER, I got married in my 20s. You’ve been together 25 years, have the children and been operating all that time as a couple and parents without the same last name so clearly it hasn’t been an issue for you both all those years - so why now? Hence YANBU to want to keep your last name

I would say, a friend of mine got married in her mid 40s. Second marriage for both. My friend was well established professionally with her last name (she divorced young and referred to her maiden name), so she kept her name legally, However, friends (outside world) do refer to her with the married last name as well as when addressing cards/invitations (ie, Mr and Mrs ...) as it was a big deal for her husband so this was the compromise.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 13/01/2020 07:13

YANBU. It’s a deal breaker for me; I would never marry someone who expected me to change my name or sulked if I didn’t. DP and I are having civil partnership in April and I’ve offered to double barrel if he does, or not change at all

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 13/01/2020 07:27

Nope! Ask him if he’ll change his name and when he says no way, explain that you feel the same.

FreedomfromPE · 13/01/2020 07:36

It is a complete pita to change your name on everything. In fact the water company still haven't 4 years since I phoned, emailed and wrote. I was treated like a fraudster with the bank and still am. The bank called only last week having opened an account for my daughter they now want another form of I'D. I bank with them and have done since I was 14. So 31 years, ID provided as a student, for moving a few times and name change. They still don't appear to believe I or my daughter are who we claim to be. I have advised my daughters to stick with the name they have.

BlaueLagune · 13/01/2020 07:37

In your shoes I wouldn't bother. There's certainly no need to unless you want to.

And yes it is a faff, more or less reserved for women, although more and more men are changing their names too.

FreedomfromPE · 13/01/2020 07:39

*I'D already provided was her birth cert. Her passport. My marriage certificate and a letter from the local council to her at our address.

This is my bank. Now they want proof of my address. My bank. Who send me statements. At my house. Yeah.

BoxedWine · 13/01/2020 07:44

I changed mine as my husband asked me to

How gross of him.

However, friends (outside world) do refer to her with the married last name as well as when addressing cards/invitations (ie, Mr and Mrs ...) as it was a big deal for her husband so this was the compromise.

This husband is also being gross. A compromise on how his wife is allowed to be addressed! Bet they didn't compromise on his name. Frankly this sort of nonsense is a red flag.

Saisong · 13/01/2020 08:10

We married 5 years ago after 20 years and 2 kids. I just couldn't imagine being called anything other than my name after 40 years! I already used Ms at that point. DH didn't care at all, but the kids do have his name and I regret that slightly (they do have mine as an extra middle name).
School is the only place it comes up as any kind of issue - I'm often addressed as Mrs DH by default, but I just let that slide, it doesn't matter in the slightest.
I'm more miffed by the number of Xmas cards we receive that don't have my name on - not just from elderly relatives either, some of my friends are guilty of the Mr & Mrs DH game. Trying to phase out Xmas cards though, so there's that.

I do recall one SIL (older than me so you'd think would know better) asking if it was legal to keep my name. She had changed hers on marrying without even thinking about it because she thought she had to!

I do have one extra compelling reason to keep my maiden name. My Dad died when I was 5. His nickname was a short form of our surname, that I am also known by amongst my oldest friends (school/university). So I want to maintain that link to my Dad.

BoxedWine · 13/01/2020 08:17

A surprising number of people think it's a legal requirement to change your name.

AJPTaylor · 13/01/2020 08:22

Surely you wouldn't bother? I married at 23 and changed name without a thought. If I was marrying now I would keep my own.

OccasionalNachos · 13/01/2020 08:29

A surprising number of people think it's a legal requirement to change your name.

A friend of mine thought her name would just change following the wedding, she didn't do any paperwork to make the change happen for her & started getting frustrated with companies sending bills etc when all her friends & family had started to call her Mrs Married Name Grin

She is divorcing now & I haven’t enquires about what she is going to do with the name. Kids have his name so presume she’ll keep it but it’s worth checking.

I think people should keep their given names. If you don’t like your last name for any reason, you don’t need to wait for marriage to change it...