To not want the faff of changing my surname if we get married this year...

[SweetMarmalade]

Dp & I have been together for almost 25 years, have a dc.

Possibly going to tie the knot this year, no big event, we’ve decided we really should just go ahead and do it. Won’t change who we are, our relationship but it will make us both feel secure for the future.

My biggest issue is changing my name! I’m late 40’s, at this time in my life the thought of changing my name seems like a big pita! Bank, passport, GP, hospital, driving license etc etc

Dp would like me to change my name, I’d like to keep it! We’ve talked about if I possibly‘double-barrel’ it but it’s still a faff! I love my surname, it means a lot to me and my heritage.

I love him, want to marry him, aibu not wanting to change my name?

@Riv well then, dp surname is much closer to A than mine so that’s that!

The only part I’d not be happy with is having a different name than my children. Whether I took his or he took mine we didn’t care as long as we all had the same name.

@rempy I’m sad to report that some relatives do this even if you openly keep your maiden name upon marriage, and even if you get a doctorate so your title is Dr, and EVEN after you get divorced. Go figure!

Just keep your name OP!

The only part I’d not be happy with is having a different name than my children.

Genuinely doesn’t bother me (she has mine as a second middle name). I grew her. I don’t need to share a name with her.

Nope, kept mine!

It's your choice. I say don't change it if you don't want to, it has been your name for a long time after all. I will warn you: everyone will go on and on about it if you don't but just ignore them. When l got married for the 1st time then as a compromise l used his surname at home but my maiden name at work. I am planning on marrying for the 2nd time in the next year or so, we are probably going to double barrel. What does your partner think about it all? Just being curious as it is your choice after all

I kept my name mostly as my first name and surname work really well together. But it's quite a boring surname and DH's is an unusual and nice one, so I was happy for the kids to have his (and didn't want to double barrel as there are so many double names around now).

DH decided to take my surname as a middle name a few years ago, so changed it by deed poll. The kids want to do that as well and we will get round to it at some point - and it might help for travel etc for them to have the same name as me, as we have had the odd mini-inquisition if I'm travelling with the kids without him!

Why does he want you to change your name?

I don't understand why anyone is willing to change their name.

It's 2020, there's no reason for you to change your name.

I got married in 1995 and didn't change my name - it's hardly a radical feminist thing to want to keep your identity

Tell him to take your name - I bet he won't....

I wouldn't bother changing your name after so long together! And you can chose any title you want - if you don't like the title 'Miss' on the GP screen, then change it to Ms or Mrs - it has no legal meaning. Hell - you can change it to Mr if you want .

And DP surely can't complain - if he was that traditional he wouldn't have begotten children on you out of wedlock

Why don't you play him Daniel Day Lewis's speech from the end of The Crucible? 'Because it is my NAAAAAME! I have given you my soul; leave me my NAAAAAME!'

My dh spends more time being called Mr myname than I ever get called Mrs hisname.

Funnily enough it was only mil who ever had a problem with the fact I didn't change my name. And a couple of his relatives and one of my ex friends who send Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs hisname, but then random relatives of mine send Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs myname so we're both equally amused at being misnamed every year.

YANBU

Keep your surname and use Ms.

I absolutely loathe the fact that so many men still expect women to change their surnames but would never consider changing their own. Patriarchal entitlement at its finest.

Another thing I loathe: the fact that all men are Mr whereas the most common options for women are Miss or Mrs. I use Ms and I wish it was the default. If I ever have a DD I will use Ms for her until she's old enough to decide for herself.

Don't change it.

Double barrelling is a cop out imho. Only the woman double barrels. The husband is still known by his forever name, and the kids have his name. (might start off with the intention that the doubler becomes the family name but ime it drops off before school)

It would all be so much easier if children took their mothers' name. Evidence suggests children are more likely to remain with their mother than their father.

Dp isn’t demanding I change it, he’s making lighthearted/sort of means it, references for me to change it, I don’t want to, he won’t lose sleep over it but it’s still something he’d like me to do. I really like my surname so won’t be changing it.

The only way I would change my name is if we flipped a coin to see who should change.

I really don’t see the point of changing though. My name is part of my identity. Why on earth would I change it during my life for any reason?

I agree Olly

FWIW, 'Miss' is also a way of writing 'Mistress', and so is 'Ms', which has been used since the 17th century. Way back then, 'Mistress' was a respectful way of addressing an adult woman of higher social status. It did not describe marital status. (Nor did the equivalent 'Mr' (=Master) for men - and it still doesn't.)

For most of history, ordinary women were simply called by their name and surname. Only 'genteel' women were called Mistress, whether they were married or nor. 'Miss' or 'Mrs' or 'Ms' were all written abbreviations for the same spoken word.

In the 18th cent, young genteel women started a fashion of calling themselves 'Miss'. But older women, and women with wealth or skills or high social status or responsibilities were still called 'Mrs', even if unmarried.

'Mrs' was not exclusively used in the UK to mean 'married woman' until very late - around 1900. 'Ms' was brought back into use around the same time.

Very interesting article about all this:
www.newstatesman.com/cultural-capital/2014/09/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-shifting-history-women-s-titles

In the UK , 'Mrs' does not normally have a full stop after it, but I believe that American usage is different.

I use a married name socially because it is important to me that me and DD and DH have the last name (and I was surprised that I actually cared about it when she arrived as i didn't really consider it before. It's not really like me to be bothered about stuff like this, but for some reason I felt really strongly about it). He probably would have taken my name if I'd been particularly bothered about it, but I prefer his and it goes much better with DD's name than mine. I still use mine for all professional stuff and for various other things though so I don't feel I've lost that part of my identity. And I've just always ticked Ms on forms!

It's entirely up to you.

My wife took my name, however it was because her father was an abusive arsehole and she wanted to have nothing to do with him. She had been considering changing it to her mother's maiden name but decided to change to mine to save having to explain to anyone.

She didn't believe it was anti-feminist to choose to take my name. It was her free choice.

I am shocked that in 2020 a woman can even notice, let alone give a shit about, “Miss” on a doctor’s screen.
I’m 52, on my second marriage, and have been Miss Maiden Name my entire life. Don’t mind Ms, but am not bothered to change to it. Not interested in being Mrs, who cares what my marital status is?

I changed mine as my husband asked me to but I’m still using my maiden name on my personal finances and only recently changed on passport when it expired

I don't know anyone who changes their name these days. It seems very old-fashioned.
But as it's taken him 25 years to get around to the wedding, say you'll consider the name change in another 25 years. He can't be that traditional if it's suited him this far.

If I don’t change my name do I become Mrs (maiden name)?
For someone in their late forties, you don't sound very clued up!