To not want the faff of changing my surname if we get married this year...

[SweetMarmalade]

Dp & I have been together for almost 25 years, have a dc.

Possibly going to tie the knot this year, no big event, we’ve decided we really should just go ahead and do it. Won’t change who we are, our relationship but it will make us both feel secure for the future.

My biggest issue is changing my name! I’m late 40’s, at this time in my life the thought of changing my name seems like a big pita! Bank, passport, GP, hospital, driving license etc etc

Dp would like me to change my name, I’d like to keep it! We’ve talked about if I possibly‘double-barrel’ it but it’s still a faff! I love my surname, it means a lot to me and my heritage.

I love him, want to marry him, aibu not wanting to change my name?

@OllyBJolly my DP wants to eventually double-barrel his lastname. I am keeping the lastname I was given after birth.

Sorry to repeat myself, but changing surnames and using the title 'Mrs' to mean 'married' are not really traditional. For most of history women in the UK did not do either. They are 19th century customs - not set in stone from the beginning of time.

Can I perhaps recommend this yet again: www.newstatesman.com/cultural-capital/2014/09/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-shifting-history-women-s-titles

I changed mine as my husband asked me to

Presumably you also asked him to change his name.

If you don't want to change it then don't. If he's so keen on having the same name he can change his.

@Copperleaves probably because it’s not been high up on my agenda really, doesn’t mean I’m not ‘clued up’ on other things thanks though!

I kept my maiden name, though DH was disappointed. I'm known extremely well professionally and wouldn't want to lose the recognition.

For cultural reasons I sometimes use his name socially.

It's actually becoming quite common now not to change your name I'v found. I changed mine because I wanted to but if you don't want to then don't feel like you have to. I married much younger so will hopefully be Mrs DH surname far longer than my maiden name.

I’ve double barrelled my sons surname. When we get married I’ll be keeping my surname. So all 3 of us will have different surnames!

@sweetmarmalade
Dc has Dp surname.
Why’s that? What reason would you have to name your child after the father? You grew it, he didn’t. And it’s your name and your identity, so why change it?

I've been married for 27 years and I haven't changed my name, nor do I have any intention of ever doing so. Our children have DH's surname so people who only know me through them do sometimes refer to me as Mrs Hisname. It doesn't particularly bother me as there is no reason why they would know that I am actually Dr MAFIL if the only time they have ever met me is at our children's sports club or similar. It grates when certain of DH's family do it, but then they specialise in getting names wrong as they insist on shortening my first name and still can't spell my 21 year old firstborn's (very normal) name.
But other than that, nobody seems to care one way or the other. Having Dr as my title probably does help to be fair, as it avoids any confusion re Miss/Mrs/Ms. One of my nieces recently married and there was a note on the invitation and I think also on the back of the order of service that said something like "X will be retaining her surname and after marriage the couple will be known as Ms X Hername and Mr Y Hisname." I thought that was quite a sensible idea as they were starting how they meant to go on and it stopped them getting loads of cards, presents, and potentially cheques addressed to Mr & Mrs Hisname.
Another couple I know have created a new surname using parts of both their original names. I have to admit that I thought it was a bit naff at first but it has grown on me. It does help that the new name sounds like a fairly standard surname - obviously it wouldn't work every time.
Basically there is no right or wrong way of doing things, but you certainly shouldn't feel pressured into changing your name if you don't want to.

We really need to get rid of the expression 'maiden name'. It suggests that a female's name is merely temporary. Changing your name really is an out dated practice, keep yours.

For those asking why my dc has Dp surname.

I suppose 13 years ago I maybe thought, when we get married and all that.

As time’s gone by it doesn’t make sense for me to change my name. Nothing will change. It will e, just as the title of this thread, a faff!

You don't need to change your surname if you don't want to, stick to your guns.
As pp have said he can always change his name to yours.
I thought about keeping my maiden name when I married , but DH got upset about it and in the end he seemed to care more than me, So I relented but over 20 years on it still doesn't really feel like my name, to make matters worse DH unmarried sister has same first name as me so two if us in the family have identical names, I feel like an interloper ! Having the same surname as my DC was important to me and knew if I kept my maiden name and went on to insist any future DC had my surname it would have caused more tension. So I relented so we all have the same family name . Always wondered why even now almost all women will give their DC the dad's surname and not their own when they're not married to DC dad or kept their own maiden name after marriage . As usual it traditional for the woman to make all the compromises.

I love the thought of creating a new surname @MAFIL. I know someone who double barrelled their mother’s maiden names to create a new surname.

I just married recently after being with DP for 28 years and didn’t bother to change my name. I still have the surname of my ex husband 1977 - 1986. Doesn’t bother me, it’s just a name

I didn’t change mine. I’m not opposed to changing surnames, I just didn’t like DH’s - it didn’t match my first name or reflect my ethnic origin. DS has DH’s surname, I originally wanted to double barrel but thought I’d try using it before inflicting it on DS, and it was a huge pain in the arse. So DS has DH’s surname and my name as a middle name. It’s his legal surname but he only uses it in an official capacity and often uses one of his middle names as a surname for anything unofficial.

I married 20 years ago, kept name, Ms like I always have been. We both wear wedding rings, we had a ceremony in front of family and friends. We have a certificate. That's enough!

My dh was very adamant he wanted me to take his name, I wasn't fussed but I did want the same name as my kids so I took his.
However it's absolutely entirely up to you, it's your name not his. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Always wondered why even now almost all women will give their DC the dad's surname and not their own when they're not married to DC dad or kept their own maiden name after marriage . As usual it traditional for the woman to make all the compromises.

DH didn’t have the same level of pre-birth bond that I did. She heard me 24/7. My voice, my breathing, my heartbeat. When she got hiccups, it was me that felt them. Nothing could have bonded us more strongly. DH couldn’t have that.

We couldn’t double barrel (a 3 syllable and a 4 syllable surname). We’d discussed a new surname but neither wanted to change our names. So she got his name as a surname and mine as a middle name. She can use them as she wants to. DH’s family live far away so I guess it strengthens her relationship with them. And she loves having a direct link to both families in her name.

When you mention "if I double barrel it" is that what you meant - that you would double up but your husband and child wouldn't?
It crossed my mind for a nano second to double barrel but I could imagine that dh would omit the second name (ie my name!) when he found it a hassle, so I did not pursue that. Mind you I would not be interested in marrying a man who wanted me to change my name, as it would suggest he did not know me very well

@BlueEyedGreeness My dh was very adamant he wanted me to take his name, I wasn't fussed but I did want the same name as my kids so I took his.
However it's absolutely entirely up to you, it's your name not his. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why would you have to take his name to have the same name as your kids? Wouldn't the obvious way of doing that be to give your kids your surname? I never understood why people it's just presumed that kids will be given the dads surname. There are quite a few mums at the school with kids by a few different men who all have different surnames. In the case of one child she was only with the man for a few weeks and it ended before she found out she was pregnant. I just couldn't get my head round giving the dads surname in that circumstance. I wanted my kids and myself to share a surname & my partner showed no sign of wanting to marry me so I gave them my surname rather than having to change my name to his later on in order to share a name with the children :-/

@NeedAnExpert how does having the same surname strengthen the bond between a child and a father/extended family? I literally cannot work out how that could be possible. I love my nieces and nephews who have different names to me and couldn't love them more if they had the same name. My husband loved our children from the second they were born and although he would have liked them to have his surname for tradition (he's the only boy out of five to carry on the family name) it wouldn't make a tiny bit of difference to how bonded he felt to them. Seems like it would take someone with a massively fragile ego to feel less bonded based on a name

I got married after 20yrs last year. All the Dc have my DH name anyway. I am not changing mine. Had it for too long now, known by it at work and wont be changing it

I took my DH's name but only because I hated my original surname. I used to get teased about it at school, so was glad to get rid of it. My dsis kept it, but mainly because her DH's surname was even worse!

If DH had been adamant about me taking his name, I'd have resisted. Totally not his decision, and tbh, I'd have been thinking twice about whether I wanted to marry him. Thankfully, I don't think he was that bothered either way.

I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing if I'm honest. I like my surname now and like us all sharing the same name, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the rather patriarchal nature of it all. In an idea world, I think my preferred option would have been for us to pick a new surname together, but there's no way dh would have gone for that. He's proud of his family heritage and wouldn't have wanted to change, so my options were to keep my own name (which he'd have respected) or adopt his. No regrets about the choice that I made.

You can call yourself Mrs 'married name ' without going through the pfaff of changing any documents. Ie introduce yourself to the teachers as mrs 'married' but keep your own single name as legal name. Lots of people have two names these days .