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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL's racist partner + wedding

116 replies

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:40

My partner and I have been engaged for a while and just started to plan our wedding but we've hit a problem.

One of the big problems we're having is my MIL's partner - he's a very proud and very openly racist.

He uses the N and C words all the time, he tells people who are black and born here that they don't belong here because of their skin colour and will openly talk about how he wishes he could 'zap' away all the black people.

My DP and I are both disgusted by this and have cut him out as much as possible, they live four hours away so that's easy. The problem we have is our wedding.

We've got lots of black friends and friends from different countries and different backgrounds and I know he's going to say something offensive and disgusting to them and I can't have that.

My MIL is refusing to come to the wedding without him (they've been together five years but we've only met him a handful of times) and my DP is getting upset about not having his mother there.

She says we're being unreasonable however everytime we've seen him he's said something racist to someone. I can't have my friends subjected to that, it's disgusting.

We did think about just having a wedding with just family but neither of us think it's right that we should have to change what we want because of a racist.

I don't know what to do. WI(we)BU to ban him from the wedding?

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:43

Before anyone points it out - I know she's not my MIL yet but we've been together nine years and it's just easier to say.

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 12/01/2020 18:44

You can not invite him. I’m half black half Chinese. If I was invited to your wedding and you had knowingly invited someone who was going to racially abuse me on that day I would never speak to you again.

Sexnotgender · 12/01/2020 18:44

Ban him, ban him, ban him.

Your DH to be needs to tell his mum that he’d love her there and she’s absolutely welcome but unfortunately due to her partners abhor views he is not welcome. That way it’s up to her.

Patroclus · 12/01/2020 18:46

It would be out of order to subject your friends to that in an environment like that. Balls to him and balls to her defending the nasty little man.

Frenchw1fe · 12/01/2020 18:46

Your mil is an apologist for a racist so just as bad. Tell your dp that it's not mil choice who gets invited and if mil doesn't attend it's her own fault.

Queenoftheashes · 12/01/2020 18:46

No way should you invite him. He has freedom of speech. Fine. No one is stopping him saying racist shit. But he needs to know his views are not welcome at your wedding or in your life.

Boom45 · 12/01/2020 18:47

I didn't invite my sister's partner to my wedding because he was a wanker. It did upset my sister but I really didn't want him there and it was my (small) wedding and he would've ruined it.
Don't invite him.

Queenoftheashes · 12/01/2020 18:47

Agree mil is apologist; if she is ok with this she is as bad and shouldn’t be allowed at events either. People attend weddings to celebrate love and have a wonderful memorable day not to hear about how they should “fuck off home” etc.

DramaAlpaca · 12/01/2020 18:48

You invite DP's mother but not her partner. Presumably she will know why. It's her choice whether to accept the invitation or not.

NoSauce · 12/01/2020 18:48

Nah. Neither of them attend. If she can’t see why he’s not invited then more fool her.
Don’t give in.

Walnutwhipster · 12/01/2020 18:49

Who the hell are the 8%!

SquareAsABlock · 12/01/2020 18:49

Well you can have him there and have a very high risk of your friends being insulted or you can ban him and risk a lower chance of your MiL not coming. I doubt she would actually go through with it but only you knows how stubborn she can be.

If it were me, it would be a no-brainer. I'd ban him and risk mil not coming over inviting a racist who will certainly upset and offend people. You need to be fair and clear with your partner - either it's a small family wedding or a bigger one with no stepdad. Or no wedding at all. No one should be subjected to abuse because he's being wet about this.

Iloveacurry · 12/01/2020 18:50

I wouldn’t want him there either. He sounds vile. Don’t invite him. Obviously it’s up to your MIL if she attends without him. Honestly, she can’t be a particularly nice person herself to be associated with him anyway.

Sexnotgender · 12/01/2020 18:51

Who the hell are the 8%!
People hit the wrong choice sometimes, I did it on another thread.

Balibabe1 · 12/01/2020 18:51

Sadly, for your partner I would only invite MIL and give your reasons as to why he isn’t invited, but be prepared for her to refuse to attend based on this.

I would never invite a racist to anything. I’m so sorry one individual has ruined an exciting time for you both. Wishing you joy and happiness in your marriage.

ELW85 · 12/01/2020 18:51

The problem is your MiL’s and her horrendous choice of partner.
Ban him, he’s a disgusting excuse of a human being and doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding.

Ingridla · 12/01/2020 18:53

There's absolutely no way he can be there. He sounds fucking horrendous & frankly your DP needs to step up and stand up to your future MIL (who can't be much different if she accepts and enables this disgusting man).

Your friends will never forgive you if they are abused by him at your wedding which YOU have invited him to, I mean it's an awful predicament to be in but what the fuck is wrong with your DP if he can't see why this cannot be allowed to happen.

If it was me, I'd simply not invite MIL or vile partner. End of story. End of problem.

If they ever start on about it in future I'd spell out exactly why they weren't invited. Your day, your friends, sorry, no vile racists allowed.

JoanieCash · 12/01/2020 18:54

YANBU. If he’s openly ‘proud & racist’ it should be easy to say ‘not at our wedding’. Your MIL should be strong enough to attend without him, and if she’s not then actually she’s your trouble and effectively tacitly agrees with him. I’d take the view he’s definitely not invited, make it easy for her to attend, and lay it at her. Be direct with her “why won’t you come. He’s racist and we’re not supporting that, allowing him to offend our friends, you’ve been together only 5 years etc, but your dp’s mother. Surely DPs view go ahead of partner etc”. Don’t back down, you’ll be worrying on the day about who he’s talking to, and really regret it if you lose friends

GaraMedouar · 12/01/2020 18:54

Ban him.

Owlypants · 12/01/2020 18:54

Don't invite him. Tell him why he's not invited, just say you're having a wanker free wedding

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:55

Thank you everyone.

You've all said what we've been thinking - we just can't have him there and in all honesty I don't want him there. I'm not going to subject any of my friends to that and we have as little to do with him as possible.

I feel bad for my DP but it is his mothers own choice.

I think we'll invite her and make sure she knows it's just her and then it's her decision on what she does.

@Ingridla he can see that it can't happen. He's not long spoken to his Mum and she's kicked off and he's upset and trying to think of a way around it but there just isn't one

OP posts:
OffTheShelfElf · 12/01/2020 18:55

Ban him. Make it very clear to your MIL that she's very welcome to come alone, and you'd love her to be there. If she doesn't come, it is her decision, not yours or your fiancé's. You're not excluding her, just him. She might choose to exclude herself.

HelloDulling · 12/01/2020 18:56

Invite her, not him. It’s up to her to choose. Your DP can talk to her all he likes, but don’t invite him.

katy1213 · 12/01/2020 18:56

Invite your MIL and explain that as they're not married, you feel under no obligation to invite her partner (especially as you don't like him!). If she presses, then spell it out: "No rascists allowed." Then leave it up to her whether she chooses to miss her own son's wedding. Will his father/siblings be attending?

HelloDulling · 12/01/2020 18:56

Cross post, OP. It’s shit, and I’m sorry.

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