MIL's racist partner + wedding

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

My partner and I have been engaged for a while and just started to plan our wedding but we've hit a problem.

One of the big problems we're having is my MIL's partner - he's a very proud and very openly racist.

He uses the N and C words all the time, he tells people who are black and born here that they don't belong here because of their skin colour and will openly talk about how he wishes he could 'zap' away all the black people.

My DP and I are both disgusted by this and have cut him out as much as possible, they live four hours away so that's easy. The problem we have is our wedding.

We've got lots of black friends and friends from different countries and different backgrounds and I know he's going to say something offensive and disgusting to them and I can't have that.

My MIL is refusing to come to the wedding without him (they've been together five years but we've only met him a handful of times) and my DP is getting upset about not having his mother there.

She says we're being unreasonable however everytime we've seen him he's said something racist to someone. I can't have my friends subjected to that, it's disgusting.

We did think about just having a wedding with just family but neither of us think it's right that we should have to change what we want because of a racist.

I don't know what to do. WI(we)BU to ban him from the wedding?

Sexnotgender

Who the hell are the 8%!
People hit the wrong choice sometimes, I did it on another thread.

I think you can change what you put if you hit the opposite button after as I have voted wrong on threads before an appear to have changed it from my end.

Op yanbu ban him.

I think she needs to understand that if she's going to be with someone racist, she has to expect him to be barred from some events - it is not behaviour that is acceptable in this day and age, he doesn't have a 'right to his views' when those views are about degrading and harming other people, among whom are your friends. And people aren't 'being oversensitive' about racism - he's never experienced it (though I bet he thinks he has!) so he can't understand what it's like and how threatening and dangerous it is to people of colour.

@AllergicToAMop thank you. I've not heard of Mankind so will check that out.

Maybe get him the book Toxic Parents by Susan forward.
It would be enlightening for him to see that she is behaving in a text book dysfunctional way and it isn't his fault. Sounds like he is in the FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt

From the way he tried to upset your DM by going up to her and waving meat in her face, you know that this isn't about "his views". It's about the fact that he intentionally goes out of his way to try to cause offence.

If every other guest invited was white and English-born (cause I bet he has issues with Scottish, Welsh and Irish people too doesn't he), he'd find some way to abuse somebody. Yelling "fatty!" at your bridesmaid. Calling somebody gay. Making comments about somebody's breasts, or groping them. He would find a way to do something, to somebody, because that is what he does.

You can't invite him, and frankly if you MIL finds his behaviour anything other than horrendously humiliating to watch, you shouldn't invite her either (I imagine she's kind of a fishwife herself from what you've said).

At my friend's wedding a few years ago, one of the guests on the same table as me started having a massive racist rant during dinner. It was horrendous. DO NOT INVITE!

I would tell the mil any racist comments and not only will he be removed from the premises but the police will be called because it is a criminal offense.

Tbh I wouldn't have either of them there....she's just as bad for being with someone like that....and even if he did go no doubt he'd end up getting punched then that's your wedding ruined. You say he had openly said to "black people" how they shouldn't be here? Mmmm s and he hadn't been banged out already? Strange.

The only way you could possibly have that abhorrent man at your wedding, with all of your (I'm sure) wonderful friends, is if you had a police officer on standby to arrest his ass for "racially aggravated abuse" straight away! (Which not only sends a clear sign that you won't tolerate that shit, but also sends a big f*ck you message to your mil for bringing him anywhere near your wedding day!)

Seriously though, your husband barely knows him, and from what you've said, he had no interest in changing that fact. Your mil should come alone, or not come at all.

It breaks my heart that there are still people with disgusting views like this in the world. Absolutely breaks my heart.
I would ban him and make it VERY clear to MIL that if she does turn up with him they will be turned away/removed completely from your lives.

Your mil is an apologist for a racist

If she lets him get away with this vile and abusive behaviour, she's probably a tad more than an apologist. She may agree with him.

She says she cut them off, you do realise they may have made the decision to cut her out as she is so bloody awful. I would not believe one word that manipulative dreadful excuse for a Mother says.

Nobody who’s not a racist chooses to live with, and advocate for, someone who is. MIL is just the same, she’s just quieter.

His mother has cut off five of the six children? Doesn't sound like she's much of a keeper.

Tbh I wouldn't have either of them there....she's just as bad for being with someone like that

^This. The mum is more than likely a closet racist

There's no way I would invite him. If his Mum choses a racist over her own son, she's not worth having there. I'd also tell her if she has the audacity to turn up with him, she will not be allowed in.