Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL's racist partner + wedding

116 replies

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:40

My partner and I have been engaged for a while and just started to plan our wedding but we've hit a problem.

One of the big problems we're having is my MIL's partner - he's a very proud and very openly racist.

He uses the N and C words all the time, he tells people who are black and born here that they don't belong here because of their skin colour and will openly talk about how he wishes he could 'zap' away all the black people.

My DP and I are both disgusted by this and have cut him out as much as possible, they live four hours away so that's easy. The problem we have is our wedding.

We've got lots of black friends and friends from different countries and different backgrounds and I know he's going to say something offensive and disgusting to them and I can't have that.

My MIL is refusing to come to the wedding without him (they've been together five years but we've only met him a handful of times) and my DP is getting upset about not having his mother there.

She says we're being unreasonable however everytime we've seen him he's said something racist to someone. I can't have my friends subjected to that, it's disgusting.

We did think about just having a wedding with just family but neither of us think it's right that we should have to change what we want because of a racist.

I don't know what to do. WI(we)BU to ban him from the wedding?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:57

I think the main reason for my DP 'wavering' is he is one of six siblings and his Mum has cut the rest of them off over the years and he loves her and doesn't want that to happen over this but he thinks it will.

Even then it's her choice and we'd still be doing the right thing.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/01/2020 18:57

Stand your ground. There's no place in anyone's life for racism and if everyone stood their ground the world would be a better place.

Feel bad all you like but don't cave on this; if he gave a single sit he'd learn and adapt and grow. He doesn't do those things because he's happy being a big old racist arsehole, and big old racist arseholes don't get invited to weddings, so it's nothing to do with you; this is all on him.

strawberry2017 · 12/01/2020 18:57

If you invite just the MIL is there a chance she would just bring him anyway?
He sounds horrendous but my fear is he would come regardless and then you are dealing with him on your wedding day.

OffTheShelfElf · 12/01/2020 18:57

Also, letting him come to the wedding allows him a little further into your lives. Is that what you want? If you have children together, do you want him to be a grandparent figure to them?

ContessaferJones · 12/01/2020 18:58

I'd go for a tiny 'getting formally married' do for close family, and then a much bigger event with friends to celebrate the union. Invite all family members who aren't MIL or her partner to the second one. She will get the message.

PepsiLola · 12/01/2020 18:58

I think it's best to have this discussion as early as possible before the wedding. You don't want the day month before your wedding with family drama... deal with it now and if it carries on just ignore or block them.

There would be no way I would allow a racist "family member" abuse my friends!

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:58

@katy1213 his father and his wife will be there.

His siblings won't because he doesn't really know them because they're a lot older than him and his Mum cut them off years ago.

OP posts:
chuck7 · 12/01/2020 18:59

You can't have him there. Even if you weren't inviting all your friends, I'd still say don't invite him. I wouldn't tolerate that anyway in my life. His mum needs to make her own decision and I'd leave her to it.

SympatheticSwan · 12/01/2020 19:00

Is he the type who simply would not be able to be quiet for the duration of the event?
I have some friends who are very vocal, if not annoying, about certain views they hold (not racism, before anyone jumps), but they seem to be able to manage themselves in events like weddings. Even militant vegans faced by a roasting hog seem to manage. (I am NOT comparing veganism to racism)

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 19:00

YANBU but it needs to be your DH choice. Maybe be totally open with him/MIL regarding why; maybe he doesn’t realise how uncomfortable his hideous views make you both?

My grandad was similar, not aggressively racist but inappropriate language, and when he met my black BF he was told under no circumstance could he make him uncomfortable or say anything inappropriate. He kept it zipped.

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:01

@strawberry2017 that has crossed my mind and I think there is a chance should would do that.

OP posts:
virginpinkmartini · 12/01/2020 19:01

Why would he want to go anyway if he hates people of other races that much.

Your MIL is disgusting to want to associate with this person... If you have any DC with your partner or plan to, please do not expose them to these pieces of trash. Use this as practice for going low/ no contact.

DM1209 · 12/01/2020 19:02

Stand your ground. If your MIL won't attend without her pathetic and disgusting excuse of a partner then so be it. A wedding is a time for families and friends to come together to celebrate and wish the happy couple a wonderful future, not to be subjected to such raw and offensive ignorance.

I'm certain the fool would not refuse free life saving treatment from a brown Dr or legal representation from a black Barrister or dental treatment from a Chinese dentist.
He is pig ignorant and has no place in a civilised society.
Your partner will simply have to deal with his mother's absence and also face the fact that his mother chooses to be with such a waste of oxygen.

I'm born here and British through and through. However, I am beyond proud of my Indian heritage and Sikh faith, screw losers like your FIL, I hope he doesn't ever get to be part of your special day.

Arseit · 12/01/2020 19:02

YADNBU.
I’d worry though, that even if you invite just her, she’ll rock up with him.
I think you need to make it abundantly clear to both of them that he is not invited and why. You will not have him and his abhorrent views imposed on you and your friends. I’d also say if she shows up with him, they/him will be asked to leave.

doritosdip · 12/01/2020 19:02

Yanbu

If you invite him you risk a lot of your friends becoming ex-friends over this.

Not saying something to a racist is as good as condoning racism. I am NC with my mum who's very racist. She's never met my kids as I don't want them to hear her nasty racist views

katy1213 · 12/01/2020 19:02

Maybe the siblings had the right idea and he should forge bonds with them instead?

monkeymonkey2010 · 12/01/2020 19:02

it's very simple - she can stay at home with her racist boyfriend then!
If you give in to her now you will have an even harder time asserting boundaries when it comes to any children you have.
Are you then going to 'give in' to her emotional blackmail and allow your DC to be exposed to this racist?
She is racist too you know - otherwise she wouldn't choose to be with him. This isn't a case of having differing politics - this is about what kind of character and person you truly are underneath the many faces we show the world.

Whynosnowyet · 12/01/2020 19:02

We uninvited my mil from our wedding.. No loss op - I would be interested how all the siblings were in the wrong and not mil for contact to be severed... Imo you need to know. It could affect how your life with dh pans out - and how any dc could be affected..

BubblesBuddy · 12/01/2020 19:03

If you need a way round it, the only one I can think of is to have who you want at the wedding and don’t invite either of them. But, invite them to a special meal when you come back from your honeymoon. It’s an awful situation and they might not accept s second celebratory meal but it’s the best idea I can think of. I totally appreciate your DH to be is upset but I don’t think such awful people who could spoil your day can be invited. If you are paying, you call the shots! It’s very sad though. How did MIL end up with such an awful man? Has she no self worth or understanding of the feelings of others? I bet no one else would have him?

DM1209 · 12/01/2020 19:04

And the fact that she has 6 children but only speaks to 1 of them says it all! She doesn't sound like a great parent at all. I feel for your partner but he has you and sometimes we have to accept that our parents are simply not nice people.

Would you ever have such views around any children you may have?

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:04

@ButtonandPickle19 the problem with this guy is he loves to wind people up and get a reaction. He deliberately says it to get a reaction.

He met my Mum who is a vegan - she doesn't mind what other people do but she's not eating meat/animal products. When she met him, he got up in her face whilst chewing on a chicken bone and telling her how delicious it is. I don't know how she didn't hit him.

OP posts:
BaolFan · 12/01/2020 19:04

Your DP needs to ring her and ask her if she seriously thinks that you should invite her racist partner, knowing that he can call your friends n and c at your wedding?

Tell her she has a choice - she either comes alone or does not come at all. And that bringing him is not an option because you will tell the venue that he is banned from the wedding - so if he turns up he will be removed.

Your DP is wavering because it's becoming apparent to him that his Mum will prioritise her racist partner over her son's wedding - which is pretty upsetting. However I can guarantee that if he backs down and lets them both come then he will regret it - for example how does he plan to look friends in the face after the fact and defend his decision to invite a known racist?

Randomname85 · 12/01/2020 19:05

he is one of six siblings and his Mum has cut the rest of them off over the years

What kind of mother is she then?!

Soontobe60 · 12/01/2020 19:07

Do you have children yet? If so, I do hope you don't expose them to this hideous sounding racist. If not, how does your mil feel about her not seeing as much of them as she'd like because of her partners shocking views?

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:08

For those asking about if/when we have children - no child of mine is going to be around a racist. Just not happening.

I wanted to make sure that we weren't being unreasonable considering it looks like she won't come without him and it is a pretty resounding no.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread