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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL's racist partner + wedding

116 replies

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:40

My partner and I have been engaged for a while and just started to plan our wedding but we've hit a problem.

One of the big problems we're having is my MIL's partner - he's a very proud and very openly racist.

He uses the N and C words all the time, he tells people who are black and born here that they don't belong here because of their skin colour and will openly talk about how he wishes he could 'zap' away all the black people.

My DP and I are both disgusted by this and have cut him out as much as possible, they live four hours away so that's easy. The problem we have is our wedding.

We've got lots of black friends and friends from different countries and different backgrounds and I know he's going to say something offensive and disgusting to them and I can't have that.

My MIL is refusing to come to the wedding without him (they've been together five years but we've only met him a handful of times) and my DP is getting upset about not having his mother there.

She says we're being unreasonable however everytime we've seen him he's said something racist to someone. I can't have my friends subjected to that, it's disgusting.

We did think about just having a wedding with just family but neither of us think it's right that we should have to change what we want because of a racist.

I don't know what to do. WI(we)BU to ban him from the wedding?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:09

@virginpinkmartini she doesn't see the rest of her children/grandchildren so sadly don't think she'd be bothered.

OP posts:
Smelborp · 12/01/2020 19:11

She can’t hate his views or she wouldn’t love him/support him and be his partner.

I would insist that he is not invited and make it clear they will be both be asked to leave if she turns up with him. Have some burly ushers if you know anyone suitable (or heck, hire one!)

GottenGottenGotten · 12/01/2020 19:15

People hit the wrong choice sometimes, I did it on another thread

But surely if they do that, they just then hit the correct choice and correct the mistake?

Yanbu op. Not at all. Your wedding, your guests.

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 19:15

Firstly I don't know what the C word is and it's bothering meBlush

Secondly. Hold your stance on this! I can imagine this must really be hard on DP especially since, as it sounds, she is basically only proper family, but you can't have that man there. Would it be possible to invite the siblings? The ones he has some relationship with?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 12/01/2020 19:15

Don’t invite either of them if she can’t come without him. I will always be grateful to my DH who went NC with his sister before we got engaged. When his father declared that he wouldn’t come to our wedding if we didn’t invite his sister, DH said fine, you don’t have to come

Notnownotneverever · 12/01/2020 19:16

The only thing to consider is are they the sort of couple to just turn up at the wedding together? If you invite MIL and not her DP he will of course have all the details to attend without an invite. It might be a case of easier without either of them.

1forAll74 · 12/01/2020 19:16

I am wondering why your MIL does not see how much upset and trouble this will cause at your wedding., and your partner should see this as well. You truly don't want horrible and loathsome people around on your wedding day.

flouncyfanny · 12/01/2020 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlink · 12/01/2020 19:17

Absolutely not can you imagine what might happen once the booze is flowing.

Drum2018 · 12/01/2020 19:17

Your Dh needs therapy to enable him to see what a shit mother he has. She would choose not to go to your wedding unless her racist prick partner can go? She has cut off the rest of her children? And your Dh is worried she will do the same to him? The poor man should be the one telling her to get the fuck out of his life. He'd do well to try and reconnect with his older siblings, find out the truth as to why they are NC with her, invite them to his wedding and let his mother sod off. Does his dad have a relationship with the older siblings?

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/01/2020 19:20

I don’t think there is anything wrong with not inviting him (or not inviting both of them if you think she might just bring him along) but I think it needs to be a decision your partner is 100% behind. If he would prefer a much smaller wedding so his mum can attend with her partner then I think you should. I might suggest to him the possibility of a registry office thing and a meal with parents including MiL’s partner then have a wedding without the legal bit (and without his mum) the next week and invite everyone but them (and maybe don’t even mention it to MiL.

But YANBU to not invite if that’s your DP’s preference too.

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:21

@flouncyfanny no, we're really right at the start and we've got a few options of where we want it. We just want to get this sorted first before getting anything confirmed.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:23

@Drum2018 I think you've got a very good point. He's loves her and does all he can to try and keep her happy so she doesn't cut him off too, it's really quite sad to see.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 12/01/2020 19:23

I'm white British and wouldn't want to be in the company of an arsehole like that, so god knows how your black friends would feel.

YANBU, but I feel a bit sorry for your DP. His mother has put him in an unenviable position.

damnthatanxiety · 12/01/2020 19:23

point out to her that you wouldn't invite him he was a paedophile. Same reasoning with him being a racist

BorissGiantJohnson · 12/01/2020 19:24

I wouldn't invite either of them because I think they'll both turn up if you invite just her, and then you'll have to kick them out and call the police and they'll love it because they're like pigs in mud, whereas it'll ruin your day. Tell her now he's not invited. She'll say "I'm not coming then" you say yay "sorry to hear that". Then do not let her know where or when it'll be. If/when she cuts your fiance off for this, good. It was always going to happen and the sooner the better tbh. No wonder her other kids are no contact.

LadyLightning · 12/01/2020 19:25

It may be that she feels he would kick off even more if she went without him but she chose to be with this person, which speaks to her choices as well. How awful for you and particularly for your partner. I am so sorry for him and hope he has other people who will support him.

Sexnotgender · 12/01/2020 19:26

He’s not just a racist he’s a fucking arsehole on top, how dare he get in your mums face.

sonjadog · 12/01/2020 19:28

When a woman has alienated her five other children, can your DH not see that maybe she isn't such a great mother? It sounds like her cutting you off over this might be a blessing in disguise.

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 19:28

I em an EU immigrant with thick skin. I can come and distract him in exchange for food and beer if it comes to worst. My strong accent might be finally of use!

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 12/01/2020 19:30

Honestly OP, until recently I would not have believed that such vile and pathetic excuses for human beings still existed, but I have had to deal with similar myself.

This could be outing, but I am past caring! I work as one of a team of three gardeners, on a private estate, so no HR or direct management structure to speak to, and our employers are currently away on holiday. I dealt with it myself and am awaiting the fallout as I am very much a 'new boy' and have only been in post for four months. One of my colleagues has, twice, in the past three weeks, made racially offensive comments about a new staff member and referenced her in the most vile and appalling manner. Especially offensive to me since my partner and my delightful stepdaughter are black, as he well knows, so also feels like a personal, passive aggressive attack.

On the second occasion I challenged him and told him that it must and would stop - that it is a racially aggravated hate crime, contrary to Section 5 of the Public Order (protection from harassment) Act, that he risked being arrested and prosecuted, it was aggravated by two factors, namely it was not a one off incident AND he was referencing a work colleague, in the work place where one has the right to be safe, protected and supported. I told him that if it continued I would persue the matter with the police and I also told him to piss off and get out of my sight, preferably permanently. It worked! He has avoided me and not spoken to me since!! I have logged it with 101 and been informed that the police will act if there are any further incidents.

I will probably be sacked when my employers get back, although I would hope that they would support me, but if that happens I am not sure that I care - people like that need to be stopped, whatever the cost and I know I have done the right thing!

I am also no contact with my revolting sister in law for similar reasons. Whatever one's relationship with the perpetrator and whatever the consequences it has to be dealt with and stopped.

Good luck

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 12/01/2020 19:31

PS - feel free to PM me if you wish

AriadnesFilament · 12/01/2020 19:35

What happens if you invite just her, are crystal clear that it’s just her, but she comes and brings him anyway?

rwalker · 12/01/2020 19:35

Just tell him outright we haven't invited you as there will be and large number of black people there and we know you wouldn't want to come or be comfortable in there company .

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 19:37

"If I was invited to your wedding and you had knowingly invited someone who was going to racially abuse me on that day I would never speak to you again."

this. A close friend's mum remarried after her DH died. She married a racist. I was quite close with my friend's mum, but how can I be now? It's literally impossible. I cannot mix with a man who thinks I'm inferior because of the colour of my skin. And tbh I'm not sure I want to keep in touch with the woman who married him, even if she did see me grow up. Le sigh.