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Original poster

MIL's racist partner + wedding

116 replies

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 18:40

My partner and I have been engaged for a while and just started to plan our wedding but we've hit a problem.

One of the big problems we're having is my MIL's partner - he's a very proud and very openly racist.

He uses the N and C words all the time, he tells people who are black and born here that they don't belong here because of their skin colour and will openly talk about how he wishes he could 'zap' away all the black people.

My DP and I are both disgusted by this and have cut him out as much as possible, they live four hours away so that's easy. The problem we have is our wedding.

We've got lots of black friends and friends from different countries and different backgrounds and I know he's going to say something offensive and disgusting to them and I can't have that.

My MIL is refusing to come to the wedding without him (they've been together five years but we've only met him a handful of times) and my DP is getting upset about not having his mother there.

She says we're being unreasonable however everytime we've seen him he's said something racist to someone. I can't have my friends subjected to that, it's disgusting.

We did think about just having a wedding with just family but neither of us think it's right that we should have to change what we want because of a racist.

I don't know what to do. WI(we)BU to ban him from the wedding?

OP posts:
VikVal81 · 12/01/2020 19:37

Why would you invite someone like that? I'm mixed race and have been in situations where I've been made to feel uncomfortable at various events by whites and blacks with serious issues in regards to their perceived "racial superiority" and let me tell you, I hates it. Too many people off all colours feel that they have a right to look down on others with such hate, your wedding is a day to celebrate and be reminded of absolute love not hate.

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 19:39

PS I'd also say that MIL shouldn't attend either because of the risk she will bring him along.

PhilSwagielka · 12/01/2020 19:40

Ban him. It's your wedding, your special day, you don't want him ruining it.

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:45

@IDespairOfTheHumanRace I'm so sorry you're going through all of that and hope your employers support you! Some people are disgusting.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 12/01/2020 19:46

I do think your DP needs some counselling - you could also try reading Toxic Families or Toxic InLaws. Your DP's mother having cut off her other children is a huge red flag, and he really needs to start to deal with it before you have children.

But yes, do ban the racist. (I have slightly racist relatives - but none of them are that bad.)

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 19:49

If he turns up without being invited, my family would remove him. It would cause a scene but they'd be more than happy to do it.

My Dad, two brothers, brother in law and step dad are all over six foot and fit so I'm pretty sure they could deal with it.

The more I think about it the more I think it's just easier not to invite either of them but it's my DP's Mum and it's got to be his choice regarding her.

I also think if I can get him back in contact with his siblings then they might be able to help him.

OP posts:
ChristmasSweet · 12/01/2020 19:50

Just tell him outright we haven't invited you as there will be and large number of black people there and we know you wouldn't want to come or be comfortable in there company .

Damn don't say that. That's way too nice, almost like you are trying to be understanding of his views.

Just be honest. He's not invited because he's is a scummy pig who is a waste of oxygen, and the mum isn't invited because she is with said scummy pig and has chosen that thing over her own children. She is no mother or human. Both are a waste on this planet and the only good thing she did was produce some (I'm assuming) nice children. Although God knows how considering what their mother is.

Be up front and brutal. Why be nice? You don't want to see them again, they are pathetic low life's. Just tell them so and block them. They may as well know how disgusted you are otherwise they think it's OK. Mind you, they are so stupid, it's doubtful they will get it.

needanewnamechange · 12/01/2020 19:52

I'm sorry but what sort of person has a racist as a partner ? I know it's his mum and you can't choose family but she either a) must agree with the racism and the refusing to come if he isn't is proof of that or b) chooses to ignore which is just as bad . I wouldn't want either there how do you know she won't say anything racist to your friends ? .

Ohtherewearethen · 12/01/2020 19:54

If he's that obnoxious to his step son's fiance's mother, whom he should care a little bit about not upsetting, imagine what he'll be like at your wedding around people he will never see again? Especially after drinking all afternoon/evening.
It would be a deal-breaker for me to cut ties with them altogether after discovering he was a racist and MIL is just as bad as she goes along with it. No way could I have him at my wedding. Imagine being on edge all day that one of your lovely friends might be racially abused by that obnoxious turd. It would ruin your wedding, even if there were promised of heat behaviour, etc. It's a no. MIL has to accept the consequences of her choices, she's made her bed, etc.

WingingIt101 · 12/01/2020 19:58

As someone who didn’t invite someone at the request of a family member, I can tell you that three years on I still regret the damage I did to that relationship rather than just have a conversation with my father about it. Your situation is far more clear cut and you know he will spoil your day and risk your friendships and relationships that really matter.

Mil is an apologiser for his behaviour and frankly your invitation to her solo is just that, an invitation, not a summons. It is no different to people who are invited without their kids (well, it is as most people’s kids not invited to weddings aren’t vile racists) - if you don’t like it, just don’t go.

It’s hard for your dh to be, however it’ll be a whole lot harder to build your marriage and create foundations on values that matter to you both when your friends choose to remove themselves from your life and you’re stuck with your mil partner knowing that you tolerated his behaviour.

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 20:02

"I also think if I can get him back in contact with his siblings then they might be able to help him."

sorry if I missed something, but if your DP doesn't want contact with his siblings, this won't help.

and how can they help anyway? The only guarantee of this man's behaviour is that he will deliberately upset people.

utterlypissedoff · 12/01/2020 20:03

I have dealt with this as a mixed race woman. Invite MIL only, include a note saying "We have a wide and diverse group of guests including all races and religions. For their comfort, and assuming (name of racist) would not want to attend such a diverse event, we have chosen not to invite him on this occasion.
Do it. Show MIL you mean business.

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 20:04

@AutumnRose1 the only reason he doesn't speak to them is because every time he did, his mother got upset and kicked off at him. She'd cry down the phone and tell him how much he has upset and disappointed her.

I have absolutely no idea why she has no contact with them, it happened before I even knew him and he was a child when they all fell out.

OP posts:
windycuntryside · 12/01/2020 20:06

Racist insults are illegal, I could not spend my time with someone I knew would do this to my friends or family. Do no invite him. Your wedding will be remembered for all the wrong reasons.
Excusing his behaviour is awful, your soon to be MIL is a coward, I couldn’t respect that.
He knows it racist and enjoys watching people recoil, he also probably thinks he is funny. Ignorant twat.

mummyway · 12/01/2020 20:07

Why would you knowingly invite your friends to be in contact with a racsist who is more than likely to be offensive to them and hurt them emotionally. Either don't invite the friends or don't invite this ignorant and awful man, but for the love of God don't invite both and subject innocent friends to that kind of treatment

letmebefrank · 12/01/2020 20:08

YANBU at all to not invite him and tell MIL he won't be welcome. Tell her she'll be missed if she chooses not to come.

I think your DH needs to think long and hard about why he's holding on so hard to someone who happily cut off all his siblings and their children over the years and would choose an openly racist arsehole over him as well.

i wouldn't allow her partner near any future children, either.

FraglesRock · 12/01/2020 20:10

Give her a week then get dh to ring to say has she thought any more about the wedding, that you'll have friends there, some of which are black and won't have them insulted, so the invite will just be for her.

If she refuses I wouldn't send an invite then she can't turn up

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 20:10

You know she is abusing him?

FraglesRock · 12/01/2020 20:10

But I agree it might be time for your dh to find the rest of his family.

tribpot · 12/01/2020 20:11

I think it's highly likely that if you invite her, he will turn up anyway. Can you imagine this stress on your wedding day?

I cannot really imagine why your DP doesn't want to be cut off by her, and frankly it sounds like it's going to happen reasonably soon anyway. Because it's a sure thing that, even if she keeps him away on the wedding day, she absolutely will not respect your wish to keep future children away from him.

Original poster
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 20:16

@AllergicToAMop I know she is, I just need to get him to see it. Me forcing him not to see his Mum won't work, he needs to do it himself.

It's very difficult to see and I'm trying my hardest to help him see and understand. I think deep down he knows, he says that he never understood what a family should be like until he met me and became a part of mine.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2020 20:16

Don't invite her. It's not worth the worry and aggro leading up to the wedding about the possibility of her bringing him anyway. In fact, if it causes her to go NC with your fiancé so much the better.

I'm joining the other posters who have said to try to make contact with your fiancé's siblings. Only if he wants to, that is. It's quite possible that mother has told them that he doesn't want anything to do with them. Is his father still in touch with them (assuming he is their father, too)?

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 20:16

OP, sounds like maybe he'd benefit from going NC.

and the wedding would be a good place to start I reckon.

I hope you have a lovely wedding with no arses hanging around!
Flowers

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 20:17

I think you could maybe ask some professionals for help. Like you would if friend was being emotionally abused. Mankind might have some tips

bellabasset · 12/01/2020 20:17

It's vile to go to a family or friends special event and deliberately upset their friends and other family members.

So it would be no invite from me. If your future MIL agrees with her partner's views then she wouldn't want to come either.