To not want people to say this

[Armadilloboss]

So in 2017, after months of FTC, I got pregnant. Unfortunately at 12 weeks we found out that there were a lot of complications, the main one of which being Edwards syndrome, but also heart conditions, exomphalus, transverse blood flow etc. We’re were advised it was almost certain he would not survive the pregnancy, and in the very tiny chance he did, he would not live more that a few hours. So we made the heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy.
My aibu is that I regularly have people refer to ‘my abortion’ and I really hate that they say this. It’s not that I have any opinion on anybody who has had one. But I hate it being used to decribe our situation. When I had my surgery they called it a surgical top or a tfmr (termination for medical reasons) and just that added fmr made me feel less awful for the decision we made as this was a very very wanted pregnancy. I had a doctors appointment today and I could see my patient history on the screen. It literally broke my heart seeing termination on there. I know, essentially that’s what it is, but aibu to hate this being referred to by people as ‘an abortion’
I do generally refer to it as ‘when the baby died’ or ‘when I had my surgery’ I can not bare to say ‘when I had the abortion’

Should say TTC sorry.

I agree with you and am so, so sorry you lost your baby.

Awful. Poor you. It must break your heart. No they shouldn't be saying that at all.

What a heartbreaking thing to go through. I’m sorry you lost your baby

Calling it an 'abortion' is extremely insensitive of whomever is saying it. This must add unimaginable extra distress for you. I am so very sorry for how thoughtlessly you are being treated.
Please be kind to yourself.
And as rude as you like to anyone who uses this term x

I'm v sorry for your loss. I kind of understand what you mean as I had several miscarriages which are also referred to as spontaneous abortion and I hated that lumping together of the ending of a pregnancy for whatever reason when it was absolutely a wanted pregnancy. Abortion is a culturally loaded word, TFMR is a bit of a mouthful though.

Massive hugs. So sorry to hear what you have been through.

OP, that must be horrible to hear.
Can I suggest that you have a stock phrase ready for this situation which corrects the person involved, and helps you to say what really happened?
Maybe 'my baby was too sick to be born, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't call it an abortion' would work?
On the other hand, if it's a medical professional, you should ask for the records to be changed to reflect the fact that you very much wanted your baby, but knew he couldn't live and so had to make a very difficult decision.

Yanbu x

Yabu as lots of people have abortions for lots of reasons you don,t alays know those reasons. CAll it a different name but a spade is still a spade. SAying you had abortion for medical reasons to me is no different for saying you had a termination for medical reasons.

@june2007 that’s not what I’m saying. Termination and abortion are of course the same thing.
But saying you’ve had an abortion/termination and sayings you’ve had an abortion/termination for medical reasons are different things!

YANBU OP. I can see why it's upsetting.

My aibu is that I regularly have people refer to ‘my abortion’ and I really hate that they say this.

Who are these people that are regularly referring to it?

I understand, I'm sorry for your loss.

I regularly have people refer to ‘my abortion’

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss. Who on earth are these people saying this?? I presume your friends and family, since you were quite early on? That’s despicable behaviour from them

My DS had a medical termination after her 20wk scan when she found out that her DS had Spina bifida and the brain stem wasnt connected to the brain. I have always referred to it as a medical termination. So sorry for your loss

Abortion is a very loaded word. I totally understand where you’re coming from.

Sorry for your loss

Who the hell is a big enough arsehole to keep bringing this up?!

OP I’m so sorry for your loss and for the insensitive nature this has subsequently been handled by some. YANBU.

A couple of years ago, our first baby died at 12 weeks - the the 12 week scan, just before Christmas, was anything but joyous. I had an ERPC procedure shortly after that because the miscarriage wasn’t happening and it was damaging me just waiting for it, still feeling pregnant but knowing the baby had died. When I went to give blood the following year, I had to account for any recent surgery. Like you, I explained what had happened in my own terms, and the person taking my details simply replied “ok you can’t give blood bc you chose to have an abortion”. It really broke my heart. I put in a complaint but doubt anything ever really changed as a result. I do get it, it’s a very particular kind of sensitivity and it’s very real.

If you were up for doing something, I think, from memory, the Information Commissioner’s website (or phone line) can give you info on when and how people can have their medical records amended under the law that came in following GDPR. Whether that will make any actual difference, again, I don’t know. But there’s something to be said for trying if it makes you feel better.

I really do think YANBU and it’s not just a matter of terminology, words matter, it’s how we make sense of our lives.

Yanbu. It would not even occur to me to refer to it as an abortion in those circumstances.

It’s horrible that there’s not a single appropriate word for what you went through. It must have been horrific to lose a much wanted baby that way, I can’t even imagine

I have said YABU as you did have an abortion, under dreadful circumstances, but that doesn’t change the language. I think abortion is a loaded term which attracts a lot of guilt and difficult feelings but that shouldn’t be the case. YANBU that hearing it affects you.

Someone I know went through the same thing as you, I'm so sorry for your loss, it's such a cruel thing.

When referring to her situation we tend to say 'when you lost the baby'. It's a bit of a euphemism obviously, but there is no nice way to put it and I agree completely with you that abortion isn't appropriate for this scenario.

I’m sure people don’t mean any harm. They probably don’t know that there’s any other word for abortion. I wouldn’t have knew the phrase TFMR unless I’d recently been involved in a situation that involved my friend having one. Tell them that you don’t like the word and I’m sure they’ll stop.

I’m so sorry about your baby OP x

I'm so sorry to read this, OP. So sorry for your loss.

Those who bring this up are just plain unfeeling. If not cruel. It must hurt so much. Perhaps you can just decide within yourself what response feels right, true for you, and say that to them. Every time.

It is difficult to speak about any loss like this, and sometimes we are all clumsy and say the wrong thing. If you know in your heart how you [describe what happened, that's what matters.

and a hug, if you'd like one.