To not want people to say this

[Armadilloboss]

So in 2017, after months of FTC, I got pregnant. Unfortunately at 12 weeks we found out that there were a lot of complications, the main one of which being Edwards syndrome, but also heart conditions, exomphalus, transverse blood flow etc. We’re were advised it was almost certain he would not survive the pregnancy, and in the very tiny chance he did, he would not live more that a few hours. So we made the heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy.
My aibu is that I regularly have people refer to ‘my abortion’ and I really hate that they say this. It’s not that I have any opinion on anybody who has had one. But I hate it being used to decribe our situation. When I had my surgery they called it a surgical top or a tfmr (termination for medical reasons) and just that added fmr made me feel less awful for the decision we made as this was a very very wanted pregnancy. I had a doctors appointment today and I could see my patient history on the screen. It literally broke my heart seeing termination on there. I know, essentially that’s what it is, but aibu to hate this being referred to by people as ‘an abortion’
I do generally refer to it as ‘when the baby died’ or ‘when I had my surgery’ I can not bare to say ‘when I had the abortion’

YANBU. I'm sorry for your loss.
I had a TFMR December 2018 and I'm learning to grow a thick skin.

It’s very sad that the medical community cannot use the correct terminology amongst their personnel, and then adapt it when speaking to a bereaved individual/couple.

My old GP quite correctly called my 18 week loss a ‘Spontaneous Abortion’ as that is a technical and correct term, however I had to ask him to stop saying it as it made me feel like it was a conscious choice, when it obviously wasn’t.
I think it’s because so many of us see the word ‘abortion’ as a way of saying we didn’t want to progress in the pregnancy for lifestyle reasons.

The miscarriage association is campaigning for better care and understanding for those who had had losses, TFMR and stillbirths as compassion from some individuals in the medical community can be lacking, as they see these things so often.

It’s not “just a word” FFS

It has all sorts of connotations and it isn’t hard to write TFMR in notes (sadly it happens often enough that it’s not an uncommon medical term).

I also lost a baby at 21 weeks as she had a condition that was ‘incompatible with life’. I had a TFMR and when my beautiful daughter was born I was able to hold her, wrap her in a blanket, read her a story and try to fit a lifetime of love into just 8 hours before my husband and I had to walk away from her. Following a healthy 12 week scan, I had already bought her clothes, a little toy and has begun decorating her nursery. I’m completely pro-choice but these are not things 99.9% of people who have an abortion do. I had planned a life for my baby and it was taken away much like a late miscarriage or stillbirth.

Sorry for your loss OP

It’s thoughtless at best.
I wouldn’t say ‘medical termination’ though, as you had surgery and a medical termination is an abortion carried out using drugs.
Perhaps say the term abortion upsets you and ask that they say lost the baby instead.
It will get better and won’t be referred to much going forward. The only reason for anyone to know or mention it is to recognise your sadness and show compassion.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through OP. I don’t know why anyone would really have reason to be bringing it up or mentioning it at all, that’s the worst part!
I have never been pregnant, don’t know many people who have, I know a couple of people who have had terminations, but not for medical reasons.
In all honesty if I met you then I probably would be one of the people to say the word abortion or termination because I wouldn’t have known another word for it, so I’m really glad that I’ve read this thread and am now more aware of what I can say should I ever encounter someone with a similar circumstance.

Hi OP- I’m Sorry for your loss.

• abortion/termination in connection with a much wanted PG is very hard to hear. If it’s friends/family put them straight loudly and once and for all.

If it’s medical professionals- then say, I’d prefer if you said ‘x’ and keep repeating that.

In training new Doctors now, there is a lot more emphasis placed on thinking about the situation of the patient and how they might be feeling, and to use more sensitive terminology appropriate to the situation hopefully this will make changes in years to come. It is hard to advocate for yourself though when feeling sensitive.

The terminology used on your medical record is generally a coded note. Medical records have specific codes which relate to specific problems/diagnosis/procedures and as a clinician you cannot change the code used by the NHS- the code relates to the issue across the whole NHS. Clinicians can add ( and likely will have) added notes, but the headline you see in your notes will be the NHS specified code.

"you had surgery and a medical termination is an abortion carried out using drugs"

Not always @CherryPavlova. D&C's are still performed for abortion.

It’s not “just a word” FFS. It has all sorts of connotations and it isn’t hard to write TFMR in notes (sadly it happens often enough that it’s not an uncommon medical term).

^^This. It’s not just a word, or at best it’s no longer just a word. Language moves and evolves, and so should NHS terminology. Agree with PP who said it’s not down to individual clinicians, nor should it be or the vast bureaucracy that is the NHS won’t function, but the NHS itself ought to review it. We’ve retired plenty of other medical terms that were just no longer acceptable.

Thank you to whoever mentioned the Miscarriage Association campaign, useful to know.

toffeeghirlinatwirl Not really the thread to debate on but a D and C is a surgical termination.
Medical termination uses abortifacient drugs, in U.K. it is usually a combination of mifepristone and oral misoprostol.

Yanbu.
So sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss OP

I worry that the use of different terms for different specific circumstances risks creating a sort of 'hierarchy' surrounding termination. Perhaps an almost subconscious sliding scale of who's automatically deserving of sympathy or who is deserving of time given for grieving.

I have had an abortion for personal reasons and I am in no way offended by the OP. I am confident in thinking that she is not looking down on me in any way.

Yes, it's just a word but one with a range of connotations so rather than sneering over semantics, it would be far more productive to consider how we can assist mothers in OP's position.

I am so sorry for your loss. My best friends lost a baby through Edwards too. The baby (a boy) was so wanted and loved. The doctors that dealt with it all called it 'interrupting the pregnancy'. That seemed more gentle to me.

I was upset for my friends and my MIL who is a massive bigot and pro-lifer said some things I will never forget and forgive. So I know how nasty some people can be.

Take care of yourself and mourn your baby.

Abortion/termination have negative connotations, which is the issue I think. Its also the colloquial term used for end a pregnancy.

Sorry if you've made this clear already and I cant find it. Is it medical professionals that are using the term, or is it colleagues/friends?

Medical professionals should know better.

I think people other that should either stop referring to your personal life (its rude), or be told that its a 'termination for medical reasons' or something along those lines. Unfortunately its a common term, and people probably arent thinking about it too deeply.

Equally, I had an abortion when I was 17 (im now 33) and do not in the slightest feel offended by the OP

The medical profession are not at all ‘gentle’ in how they term things so them referring to it as an ‘abortion’ is just how they’re ‘supposed’ to term it, regardless of whether the person who added it to your notes agrees or not (or even you for that matter). How you term it to others is your business but the medical profession won’t care or change because, as far as they’re concerned that’s what you had.

The key is to not take it personally.

I am sorry OP and I do see where you are coming from. But many women have abortions who desperately didn't want to, for medical and social reasons too, and they don't get it called by another word. I don't think anyone means any harm, it is just the language to describe the procedure.

Icky, anyone can use compassion. Abortion in medical terms is spontaneous abortion ie a miscarriage or missed abortion, aka missed miscarriage. As cited above, it causes massive grief to a miscarrying woman to be described as ‘aborting’. There is no need for it and, IMO, no excuse.

Termination of pregnancy is just that. Obviously people have different reasons for that, mostly causing great personal anguish, especially when a longed for baby has devastating abnormalities.

I hope anyone unfortunate enough to be subject to any of this will find the strength to say something at the time. If not at the time, feed it back afterwards. Terminology does and can change. We have much better language for many disabilities than previously, let’s push to have change here, too.

Don’t get me started on dementia and the related stigmas. Again, kinder, less loaded words are in our lexicon. Let’s use them.

Best wishes, OP.

I am very sorry that you had to go through that very sad situation.

You cannot dictate how others refer to it. I think it is fair enough that you ask others to say 'termination' rather than 'abortion' but don't expect to dictate to them that they should refer to it as "your surgery' or 'when the baby died'.

I presume friends and family will be aware of the sad circumstances and know it had to be done for medical reasons and obviously won't want to upset you further.

I do however think YABU in saying "It’s not that I have any opinion on anybody who has had one" because you clearly do see it in a different, and negative light. It is different to someone just deciding they don't want to continue with a pregnancy for non-medical reasons. There is nothing wrong in your thinking that. Everyone is entitled to their varied views on abortions.

The doctors who dealt with my friends were gentle and kind.

@Armadilloboss I am so sorry for your loss.
Naively it’s not something that I have ever thought about but completely agree with you. Your medical notes I think are especially upsetting.

My abortion was the end result of a choice I made. You didn't have that choice, OP. You were weighing up when not if and I'm so bloody sorry.
Yanbu.

I’m so sorry you lost your baby. Using the word ‘abortion’ is something I could easily have done by accident. Until reading this thread I didn’t realise that there was such a difference in emotion behind the different words that people use. So maybe people don’t realise as well. Good idea to have a stock phrase like ‘I prefer the term...’ if you do want to talk about it. It must be so hard for you.

Thank you for all your lovely messages, and especially to those people who have said they have had an abortion themselves and understand that this is no way an attack on them nor my judgement of them. The post was never intended at that. It’s was a horrendously sad decision that I had to make (as I’m sure it is for everybody) but as pp said, it was a case of when he died not if he died. For those 3 months I planned the rest of my life around being a mother. When I hear the term it brings back the fact that I had to do that, and I had to make that decision and it is very upsetting.
I in no way intended to offend anybody by making out my reasoning was a better reason than others, but it was a very different experience.