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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want people to say this

105 replies

Armadilloboss · 08/01/2020 22:26

So in 2017, after months of FTC, I got pregnant. Unfortunately at 12 weeks we found out that there were a lot of complications, the main one of which being Edwards syndrome, but also heart conditions, exomphalus, transverse blood flow etc. We’re were advised it was almost certain he would not survive the pregnancy, and in the very tiny chance he did, he would not live more that a few hours. So we made the heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy.
My aibu is that I regularly have people refer to ‘my abortion’ and I really hate that they say this. It’s not that I have any opinion on anybody who has had one. But I hate it being used to decribe our situation. When I had my surgery they called it a surgical top or a tfmr (termination for medical reasons) and just that added fmr made me feel less awful for the decision we made as this was a very very wanted pregnancy. I had a doctors appointment today and I could see my patient history on the screen. It literally broke my heart seeing termination on there. I know, essentially that’s what it is, but aibu to hate this being referred to by people as ‘an abortion’
I do generally refer to it as ‘when the baby died’ or ‘when I had my surgery’ I can not bare to say ‘when I had the abortion’

OP posts:

Catsandchardonnay · 09/01/2020 00:21

@AlmostAJillSandwich what a nasty post. There seem to be some people on here who are determined to say something negative about the OP no matter what. She wasn’t being judgemental. You are.

schoolcats · 09/01/2020 00:31

My ectopic pregnancy was recorded as a termination, when it was a follow up appointment they asked how I was feeling since my abortion

The nhs need to sort this out

toffeeghirlinatwirl · 09/01/2020 03:09

I went on to have two pregnancies (live births) following a miscarriage. It was a much wanted baby. It killed me to carry those ante natal notes around with the words "spontaneous abortion" written in them.

So sorry for your loss OP.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/01/2020 03:15

Some doctors refer to miscarriages as spontaneous abortions too. It’s just a word. It doesn’t mean they don’t have sympathy or can’t provide adequate care for you.

AraGrand · 09/01/2020 03:52

It's just a medical term. I think that you're somehow thinking you're different from anyone else who terminates a pregnancy. It's not a decision taken lightly - by anyone. You had your reasons - no better or worse than any other woman who makes the decision.
Medically, a doctor won't really need to know why the baby was aborted - just that you had a pregnancy which was aborted.
Miscarriage is referred to as spontaneous abortion.

StinkyWizleteets · 09/01/2020 05:04

I see pendantry overtakes compassion again for some on mumsnet 🙄

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/01/2020 05:06

Who are these people? Can you correct them and say, “I think you mean when I lost my baby”? Very insensitive.

schoolcats · 09/01/2020 05:06

I think that you're somehow thinking you're different from anyone else who terminates a pregnancy. It's not a decision taken lightly - by anyone. You had your reasons

It's not always a decision you get to make, if it's an ectopic pregnancy you either die or have the treatment to remove it - either brutal drugs or tube removal.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 09/01/2020 05:12

Gosh, some people just don't think do they?
Of course YANBU
I'm so sorry for your loss

isitsnowingyet · 09/01/2020 05:25

Sorry for your loss. YANBU.

Some people are just insensitive and can't understand how emotive a word can be to someone else.

Weenurse · 09/01/2020 05:31

Can you ask for medical records to be amended to say ‘termination of pregnancy due to foetus being incompatible with life’?

FairyBatman · 09/01/2020 06:34

I would question who these people are that are ‘regularly referring to it’ they seem insensitive at best, and perhaps a bit of distance from them would help you to grieve and move forward. I know it seems a million miles away from where you are, but you will one day be able to move forward.

In medical scenarios It’s hard, because the terminology is correct albeit emotive, but in day to day life I would correct everyone each time to ‘when I lost my baby’ or another phrase that you feel more comfortable with.

Part of the problem will be that people don’t know what word to use, but if someone keeps doing it after being corrected I’d cut the, out of my life.

I hope that you are OK

Coughy4u · 09/01/2020 06:46

I have read the whole thread and a pp said similar, i know. While I am so sorry for your loss.. you can correct people with how you prefer to rephrase it but it was abortion and perhaps its your own disappointment, maybe shame also associated with this term that is upseting you about this, like your reason was better and an abortion is a blemish on your character. It really isn't, you had your reasons and i get that its insensitive but it is also a fact.

Booboostwo · 09/01/2020 06:51

I am very sorry for your loss and while I do get what you are saying, having more than one term for this, terms which revealed the reasons for the decisions, would be inappropriate and judgmental.

Marnie76 · 09/01/2020 06:53

I would correct people every single time with ‘you mean my medical termination’ professionals included. Maybe the message will eventually get through.

StoneColdSaidSo · 09/01/2020 06:55

Sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage on xmas eve at 13 weeks so understand how difficult it is. You most definitely did not have an abortion and it’s very insensitive of anyone to call it that. Don’t worry about what other think or say. This was your choice and from the sounds of it, the on,y one you could make.

ElluesPichulobu · 09/01/2020 07:06

so sorry for your loss. the pain of losing a much wanted pregnancy is an unbearable wound at first and it is not at all unreasonable to be sensitive.

anyone close to you should be told 'I loved and wanted and grieve for my baby that died. it hurts me when you call my tragedy an abortion, as if I chose it. I did not'.

when my 12 week scan showed my baby had died a couple of weeks previously the surgical process I had to go through to empty the womb was identical to an abortion. the word abortion was used in medical notes as the word isn't emotionally loaded in a medical context. every time I saw the word it hurt.

however that hurt does in part come from the stigma and hatred in society that some people still bear for women who control their reproduction. if there wasn't this cultural stigma then the word for the end of a pregnancy that isn't a birth would not be so loaded. however I think it would still be hurtful as it would still imply a choice, that wad never yours.

Thefaceofboe · 09/01/2020 07:10

So sorry you lost your baby xx

Lougle · 09/01/2020 07:16

There is a difference between medical fact and compassion. I submit data about patients for audit and we only have 2 choices with regards the ending of a pregnancy: Ectopic or Termination. Termination is the ending of any pregnancy before 24 weeks gestation, whether spontaneously, medically or surgically initiated. So in medical terms, there would be no distinction between a miscarriage and elective TOP.

However, wrapped up in your grief is a natural need to justify the outcome - you didn't choose to terminate your pregnancy for social reasons, you did it because your baby was ill. It's no hardship to write TFMR in a set of notes and it doesn't take any effort to say something kind.

At the same time, I suspect that many women would say that they didn't feel they had a choice when they aborted for social reasons.

I'm sorry you had such a hard decision to make.

kateandme · 09/01/2020 07:20

mineofuselessinformation good suggestion.i love having scripts ready in my head of the perfect responses to things. and mn are great at coming up with them

CJsGoldfish · 09/01/2020 07:23

Back when I was trying to have children I was what was medically termed a 'habitual aborter'.

I'm sorry OP

LakieLady · 09/01/2020 07:28

So sorry, and of course you're not unreasonable.

potter5 · 09/01/2020 07:30

The word 'abortion' means different things to different people. I don't think it should be applied to your situation. You can remind people that it wasn't out of choice but some people will unfortunately still use that word. So sorry for your loss.

msflibble · 09/01/2020 07:33

I'm so sorry OP, what an sad thing for you to have to go through.
Yes you're right, it's very different and people should acknowledge the difference. I have had an abortion, and though it was sad, the situation was entirely different. Whilst I do not believe there should be stigma around an abortion it is a different situation when a wanted pregnancy must end because the baby won't survive, and the language we use should reflect that.

fedup21 · 09/01/2020 07:37

I can’t believe anyone mentions it to you-how thoughtless.

I would just say, I ‘had’ to have a medical termination.

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