To not want people to say this

[Armadilloboss]

So in 2017, after months of FTC, I got pregnant. Unfortunately at 12 weeks we found out that there were a lot of complications, the main one of which being Edwards syndrome, but also heart conditions, exomphalus, transverse blood flow etc. We’re were advised it was almost certain he would not survive the pregnancy, and in the very tiny chance he did, he would not live more that a few hours. So we made the heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy.
My aibu is that I regularly have people refer to ‘my abortion’ and I really hate that they say this. It’s not that I have any opinion on anybody who has had one. But I hate it being used to decribe our situation. When I had my surgery they called it a surgical top or a tfmr (termination for medical reasons) and just that added fmr made me feel less awful for the decision we made as this was a very very wanted pregnancy. I had a doctors appointment today and I could see my patient history on the screen. It literally broke my heart seeing termination on there. I know, essentially that’s what it is, but aibu to hate this being referred to by people as ‘an abortion’
I do generally refer to it as ‘when the baby died’ or ‘when I had my surgery’ I can not bare to say ‘when I had the abortion’

I can see why you feel saddened by this OP. It’s insensitive.

The local hospital to me carried out these procedures in the maternity unit and whilst I can partly see why, I do feel there shoyjd be an separate wing. I don’t think it’s fair on those that won’t go hone with a baby to be in the same part of hospital as those that will...

@Armadilloboss

Who are all these people who keep referring to your heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy as your 'abortion?''

I don't think AIBU s the place for this thread actually.

Sorry for your loss.

YANBU
I'm sorry for your loss and I can understand why you would not want a term used that is associated with a much different scenario.

I really do empathise and I'm sorry for your loss, it's really not the same as someone accidentally getting pregnant and not being ready for the baby for example BUT are you saying there should be a different term for it on your medical notes?

I wonder then, should there be a different term for people who've had an abortion following a rape?

Are people referring to it regularly in your personal life? If they are, and aren't treating your baby as a 'normal' loss or miscarriage then I'd reconsider the relationship you have with them.

The decision you had to make was awful, as is ANY womans decision to terminate

That’s not true though. Many women, including handfuls I recall reading from on here, don’t feel “awful” at all about their decision to terminate a pregnancy and wouldn’t appreciate you assuming they did. For some people it’s a simple decision and they don’t agonise over it or regret it. Choosing not to go ahead with a pregnancy isn’t the same emotional experience as OP had at all. I see no judgement in her posts, only heartbreak and pain. But you stick the knife in about her apparent judgement, while making plenty of your own. I’m sure that’ll be productive and helpful.

I think it’s just that “abortion” is generally used to describe a medical termination and “miscarriage” the end of pregnancy without medical intervention. Abortion actually just means the end of pg, naturally or medically.

I completely agree with you OP as I had pretty much the same experience on my first pregnancy. I do often refer to it as a miscarriage as I hate to use the term abortion/ termination because I feel judged by it.. and I really wanted the baby. It makes you want to give a massive explanation as to why you terminated which then drags up all the emotion connected to it.. Luckily I do now have a baby girl and the hospital was amazing due to me stressing over the first pregnancy they monitored me closely and gave me extra scans just to keep me reassured all was going well . Good luck with your TTC.

The distinction you want to make is really judgemental, so, while I'm truly sorry for your loss and I understand it's often hard to feel compassion towards others when you're still grieving I think you're being really unreasonable towards women whose abortions were for reasons you consider less justified.

@AlmostAJillSandwich you could not be more wrong. I have know judgement at all around people who have had an abortion and I am very much pro choice.
I have friends who have had an abortion, my sister has had one. They were extremely different circumstances to mine. I understand it is a difficult decision for them to make. But whether it is due to not wanting a baby, the timing being wrong, financial situations relationship issues etc is is very different than carrying your baby, planning your life with that baby, picking names, looking at baby clothes and baby furniture, being excited for scans etc and the. To have your world ripped apart and being told you have to choose between letting your baby die now, or waiting until he does naturally even though you may have no idea when that happens until you go for a scan expecting to see him wriggling about.
I understand that the procedure is the same procedure, but what I chose for my baby was more out of euthanasia, he was going to die. I did not want him in pain. This situation is very different than what people perceive as an abortion.

So sorry @Armadilloboss that's awful! You have every right to refer to the process as a loss, death or surgery. These people just sadly don't understand. Take care.

I agree with you OP .. it's devastating and I know we took our time to work out what was best for us and that was the termination as we were told she wouldn't survive and the pregnancy was unlikely to last .. but occasionally I still think what if?? And then I have to rethink it all and go over what all the medical advice was and know we made the right decision.. but it's hard .

I’m so sorry you went through this, and understand what you’re saying.

What I don’t understand is why some people in your life keep referring to this heartbreaking and personal event? Who are this people? You should tell them to back off and shut up, or cut them out of your life.

Good grief, no, it was a loss, regardless of the need for help to end it.

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter and son in law had to do the same thing. Their baby girl also had Edwards Syndrome, with lots of extra problems, and we still, seven years on, grieve the loss of a very much loved and wanted baby. It helped to name her, and the hospital arranged a group funeral for all the babies who had been lost early over a couple of months.
My daughter and I are pro-choice , but for us, it would never be the choice we would make, so the situation was heart breaking, and we remember that day as the day we lost M, and don't say abortion or termination. It upsets us to see or hear those words in connection with M. I'm so sorry you have lost your baby.

@Armadilloboss have pm'd you.

So sorry for your loss, Armadillo.

I totally get what you mean, having once heard myself referred to as "the abortion in bed 4" when I was waiting for a D&C after a miscarriage.

While I knew the every pregnancy loss is correctly referred to as an 'abortion' whether spontaneous or not, in common parlance abortion means something a bit more specific to most people.

I would be devastated to have the term bandied around after what you've gone through. If it's your healthcare professionals you could ask them to use the initials TMR which don't carry the same clout.

If it's family, friends or acquaintances, they can be firmly told to stop talking about it altogether unless you raise the subject, I think. If it persists, get up and leave the room. You don't need to hear this.

The thing is though that’s exactly what you’ve had. You’ve either had a live birth, a still birth, a miscarriage or an abortion. You seem to be associating your circumstances with people who have had abortions that haven’t necessarily had to and you don’t like it. I’m sorry you lost your baby, but please don’t think people mean something bad when they refer to it as a termination

You lost your baby.

I'm so sorry. ❤️

I know this is a lot to ask at the moment, but later on when it's not so close you might consider that the word abortion was correct. The word shouldn't have the judgement it currently carries. If more women who had them, and their partners, openly used it, without shame or fear, maybe it wouldn't.

I'm so sorry - what a horrible thing to go through.

Can you just have a line ready for the next time someone says something i.e "I really prefer the term..." (you don't need to explain why but you can if you want to). You're not being at all unreasonable, but people don't know until you tell them.

Or tell them to fuck off and stop talking about it if you prefer.

Either is an acceptable response in my book.

Not much to say that hasn’t been said, but what a horrible position to be in. So sorry! For what it’s worth, and just talking me here, I grew up a Catholic with a rabidly ‘pro life’ mother, and I would have done the same. I don’t think people are being intentionally insensitive though. People sometimes don’t know what to say when faced with another’s grief.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your baby @Armadilloboss People can be very thoughtless sometimes.

OP, I am so very very sorry for your loss. YANBU.

I agree with posters who pointed out that abortion carried out for not being ready, not having the right circumstances etc is not the same and should not be referred to as the same as this loss - this was planned and very much wanted and expected baby. The emotional process is just not the same and that should be acknowledged. I went through MMC and having people refer to the medical procedure that was inevitable as abortion was heartbreaking as I was TTC for years and wanted nothing more than that little life to join us. Insisting that it is justified by medical terminology of the actual procedure denies it a very important psychological/emotional element.