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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to argue that neither of us can go?

113 replies

Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 16:18

DH & I have recently received an invitation to the wedding of a good friend, his friend first for many years. We know his fiancée well now and are all part of the same group although don't see one another much mainly due to small kids (ours). The men are regularly in touch and do meet up a few times a year.

This couple will be married in a European city in the summer. This means flights and accommodation will be priced at high season rates.

We have 3 kids. The smallest will be 10 months then. The older two will be 3 & 6 then. At the moment, the baby is breastfeeding and sleep is shite. Presumably he'll be well established on solids and hopefully sleep might be a bit better by the summer.

Coincidentally, we have a big wider family holiday planned (& already paid for in full) in the same location a few weeks after the wedding (so making a family holiday of it won't work, also during term time for my eldest, just)

Our main issue is getting a babysitter.. We do have some support but feel that asking for 3 to be minded, realistically for 3 nights and 2 full days is a bit of a piss take.

Having said that, we've not seriously asked anyone (mentioned it to SIL who reckons that 2 people at any time would be required to take care of all 3)but already I just feel like it's too much of a big ask, even if we got a few people to take turns over the weekend.

I feel like DH is waiting for me to say 'you just go, I'll stay at home' and have said as much to him. I feel however, if we both can't go, neither of us should... I don't know why I feel like that, maybe because it'd be hard on the person at home and it's not fair?for context, I'm currently on unpaid ML so the expense wouldn't be welcomed and DH does fairly regular overnights with work, maybe once a month, fairly regular work and personal nights out and I do occasional nights out (approx half of what DH does) but had a 2 night weekend away before Christmas.

Should I just graciously 'let' him go alone? Am I being mean spirited feeling like it should be both or none?

Also, worth mentioning, all the rest of the couples in the group have small children and will be having similar dilemmas, I would expect most of them not to attend but could be wrong.

We could really do without the expense or the hassle to be perfectly honest although would like to be there for our friends. WWYD? AIBU?

OP posts:
PineappleExpress · 08/01/2020 16:21

Can you speak to the other couples and ask what they are doing?

DollyPomPoms · 08/01/2020 16:25

Why does it have to be three nights and two days? Fly in in the morning of the wedding and fly back the next morning?

noeyedeer · 08/01/2020 16:25

I'd let your husband go. Or you, DH and baby go and leave eldest kids to have a lovely time with relatives.

Original poster
Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 16:25

We have, one are desperately trying to make it work - thinking about taking their kids and getting a babysitter over there but nothing solid decided.

Another have indicated they won't be going.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/01/2020 16:26

If it was your friend getting married would you want to go?

Personally I would just be happy for my DH to go alone, but I am not that keen on weddings anyway Grin, it does sound a bit controlling to say that if one of you can’t go you both should stay at home.

BottleOfJameson · 08/01/2020 16:27

In that situation I would just have DH go to be honest I do think it's too much to ask anyone to watch 3 for that long but it would be a shame for neither of you to make an appearance.

Original poster
Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 16:29

Dolly there's an event on the Sunday but in any case, flights are evening flights so even coming back Sun, would be very late. Flight out is late Fri night. But Sat morn flight in may be possible alright.

Deer, no invitation extended to children!!! Also, wouldn't fancy a wedding with the baby...

OP posts:
Ruraldream · 08/01/2020 16:30

We did this and made a timetable to split kids between grandparents in chunks of time. Don't know if that's an option for you?

Ohyesiam · 08/01/2020 16:30

Can’t you and dh take your baby, fly in the day of the wedding and our the next day? That makes it much more doable guy baby sitters. Actually you could even leave your baby at home.

Sparkle567 · 08/01/2020 16:31

Bit tight to not let him go when it was his friend first.

Can you really count his overnights with work as part of his going out time when it’s for work😐

Jeezoh · 08/01/2020 16:32

I think it’s quite petty to say he can’t go if you both can’t go. I’d let him go if you can afford it, you say it’s a good friend and your DH has known him the longest.

saraclara · 08/01/2020 16:33

I'd let him go alone. It would be very petty to say "if I can't go, you can't either". The groom was his friend first, and they're close.

How would you feel if your DH said that to you when you really wanted to go to a best friend's wedding?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/01/2020 16:36

Let him go, it's his friend first, he had the most contact. Then ask family to help you out with the kids.

You have weekends away, was baby newborn when you went away Christmas or were you pregnant? Did he have the kids?

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 08/01/2020 16:39

The usual advice here is that when people plan to get married abroad, they must realise not everyone can go. It sounds like the wedding was announced recently, with 5-6 months notice. If so, I'd imagine not many people can go. Has your husband asked the couple if they'll be doing a celebration locally for those who can't attend the ceremony abroad? Do you what your mutual friends are thinking?

Do you think your husband's main reason for wanting to go is to witness the ceremony? If being there when they say "I do" is his main issue can't he do a 24 hour trip? Otherwise maybe celebrating at home is a good compromise - maybe the mutual friends could all get together then.

Dozer · 08/01/2020 16:39

Unless you would find it difficult to manage the DC alone and/or funds and annual leave make it difficult DH should go as the primary friendship was / is his.

mrsm43s · 08/01/2020 16:40

I can't see why DH can't go.

When it's "your" friend, you can have your turn at going and DH can stay at home with the children.

With 3 children, if you take the "if we both can't go then neither goes" approach, then you're pretty much writing off any adult only social life for the next 10 years or so.

Perhaps you could meet up with the other staying home partners in your friendship group for a day out/some mutual moral support whilst the other partners are gone.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 08/01/2020 16:40

Ask someone to take the kids. It's a one off. I've often looked after various sisters kids for a few days, 3 or 4 at a time. Yes its tiring but it's an exception and not the norm.

YummyChipCurryDip · 08/01/2020 16:42

Of course he should go. Both or neither is a bit dog in the manger. There also might come a time when he will do the same for you. Or not, as the case may be.

Shodan · 08/01/2020 16:42

I think I'd let your DH go in this instance (but in my mind he'd 'owe me one' Grin)

But... you mention that another couple are trying to make it work, considering hiring a sitter out there. Would there be any chance of joining together, maybe in a villa or Airbnb, and hiring a babysitter for all the kids? Or sharing the babysitting duties between the two couples? Or a combination of both?

Dozer · 08/01/2020 16:42

Can’t imagine relatives / friends will be too keen to care for three DC including a baby who sleeps badly and a preschooler!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/01/2020 16:43

I feel however, if we both can't go, neither of us should...

I can't agree with that. It seems unfair to decide it's both of you or nothing when it's his friend that is getting married...

I'd explore asking people if they'd mind having the kids, potentially could someone have the baby and someone the older two, or could they go in 24 hour shifts to grandparents and friends? I've helped friends with this type of thing before... if you decide it's too much hassle to arrange something, or there's no option, let him go. You'll be going back with the family a few weeks later anyway, and he can pick up more of the slack there to give you more of a break.

Tombliwho · 08/01/2020 16:43

If this had been your friend originally and as a group the women regularly met up would you feel that you both shouldn't go to the wedding? If it would be the same on both sides then fine. If not maybe there's some reflection to do

Kab30 · 08/01/2020 16:44

I would split care between the gps etc ..they will all love the time with them and be glad to help ..and also be nice for some you time xxx

Chocolatemouse84 · 08/01/2020 16:44

If he's closer to the bloke, I'd let him have this one

Or if you feel equally as close to the group I'd toss a coin or something to decide which one if you go as long as it can be afforded. Seems a shame you both miss out when only one needs to stay home with the kids.

georgialondon · 08/01/2020 16:44

It's his friend though. I'd say he could go