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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to argue that neither of us can go?

113 replies

Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 16:18

DH & I have recently received an invitation to the wedding of a good friend, his friend first for many years. We know his fiancée well now and are all part of the same group although don't see one another much mainly due to small kids (ours). The men are regularly in touch and do meet up a few times a year.

This couple will be married in a European city in the summer. This means flights and accommodation will be priced at high season rates.

We have 3 kids. The smallest will be 10 months then. The older two will be 3 & 6 then. At the moment, the baby is breastfeeding and sleep is shite. Presumably he'll be well established on solids and hopefully sleep might be a bit better by the summer.

Coincidentally, we have a big wider family holiday planned (& already paid for in full) in the same location a few weeks after the wedding (so making a family holiday of it won't work, also during term time for my eldest, just)

Our main issue is getting a babysitter.. We do have some support but feel that asking for 3 to be minded, realistically for 3 nights and 2 full days is a bit of a piss take.

Having said that, we've not seriously asked anyone (mentioned it to SIL who reckons that 2 people at any time would be required to take care of all 3)but already I just feel like it's too much of a big ask, even if we got a few people to take turns over the weekend.

I feel like DH is waiting for me to say 'you just go, I'll stay at home' and have said as much to him. I feel however, if we both can't go, neither of us should... I don't know why I feel like that, maybe because it'd be hard on the person at home and it's not fair?for context, I'm currently on unpaid ML so the expense wouldn't be welcomed and DH does fairly regular overnights with work, maybe once a month, fairly regular work and personal nights out and I do occasional nights out (approx half of what DH does) but had a 2 night weekend away before Christmas.

Should I just graciously 'let' him go alone? Am I being mean spirited feeling like it should be both or none?

Also, worth mentioning, all the rest of the couples in the group have small children and will be having similar dilemmas, I would expect most of them not to attend but could be wrong.

We could really do without the expense or the hassle to be perfectly honest although would like to be there for our friends. WWYD? AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2020 16:45

I’ve been to a couple of overseas weddings in my own.
It was his friend first, so he should go.

CakeandCustard28 · 08/01/2020 16:47

He was friends with him first, he should go. But then he owes you one for next time, so win win really.

aroundtheworldyet · 08/01/2020 16:49

Yes you are being unreasonable.

If you really want to go you will manage somehow. If you don’t really care about going at least let your DH go. I would fucking resent you for a long time if you said I couldn’t go as an adult

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2020 16:50

If you really want to go you will manage somehow.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true.

BlueSkies2020 · 08/01/2020 16:51

If money is tight just say no. It’s going to add up with outfits, travel hotel and food / drinks. I got married abroad and wouldn’t want or expect a friend to attend in your situation. It’s not necessary and will be difficult for you to look after 3 children alone

aroundtheworldyet · 08/01/2020 16:52

She said the expense wouldn’t be welcomed. Not we can’t afford it. Which is totally different.
If the expense isn’t welcomed then it doesn’t really seem that the op is that fussed about going. Which is fine. Just don’t try and dictate that onto how your husband feels. Because it won’t end well long term

Amaretto · 08/01/2020 16:53

I suspect the issue here is resentment

  • resentment at your DH potentially spending money you don’t really have on himself whilst there is no money left for you
  • resentment that he will go away for 3 days when he is the one who has the most opportunities to go out/have some night out/have some nights wo children and being disturbed and you will be left at home picking up again.

In which case the answer is to address the imbalance in how much time you have for yourself.
And then decide what will work best for you as a family.
Eg it could him going on his own but you going away (family, with friends...) on your own too to have some time off being a mum 24/7.

Drum2018 · 08/01/2020 16:54

If finances allow then I'd tell Dh to go alone. However if it means that you will be financially stretched then I wouldn't be keen. But given you have thought about going too I'm guessing you could afford if Dh went.

fuckoffsal · 08/01/2020 16:54

Let your husband go, I say that because he was friends with the green first and for longer and they have regular meet ups. I'm sure you'll cope with your own kids for a weekend (unless you have a disability or other impairment that you haven't told us about?) Serious question, I know people like a drip feed on here sometimes.

OverthinkingThis · 08/01/2020 16:54

He was friends with him first, he should go. But then he owes you one for next time, so win win really

Agree with this!

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/01/2020 16:56

I'd let him go.

Shoxfordian · 08/01/2020 16:58

Yeah I think he should go as well
It's his friend and you'd want to go if it was your friend

AryaStarkWolf · 08/01/2020 16:59

YABU, don't make him miss his friends wedding

CheshireChat · 08/01/2020 16:59

Is your DH likely to actually let you have your turn at some downtime or will he just write it off?

I think that's what would help me make my mind up tbh.

8by8 · 08/01/2020 16:59

You has 2 nights away before Christmas? Who looked after the kids then? Your DH?

My DH travels a lot for work so maybe I’m struggling to understand the issue - presumably you can look after your children alone for 3 days? You can ask for help from your possible babysitters if you need a break, prep food in advance etc.

TigerOnATrain · 08/01/2020 17:00

@Sassypants82 YANBU. I wouldn't go even if I had no small kids, and another holiday planned.

It's such a twattish, self-centred thing to do, to have an overseas-location wedding, and expect your guests to pay for their own plane fares and accommodation. My niece and her boyfriend went to a wedding last summer, and the couple getting married had their wedding in a pricey location overseas, in JULY.

The guests had to stay for 3 nights/4 days, and my niece and her boyfriend got no change out of £2,000 after paying for flights, the hotel, their meals out, and their outfits, etc...

Personally I would say you can't go. It's an invitation, not a summons remember............ Wink

ChicCroissant · 08/01/2020 17:01

When you say 'wider family holiday', does that mean that you are meeting up with your family, OP, or your in-laws?

Somehow, I don't think it's the money that is the reason you don't want him to go. Is there something else worrying you about the trip?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/01/2020 17:02

I understand your feelings, possibly including resentment that your DH would get a jolly while all you get is to mind the 3 kids at home alone - but if you can afford it without too much pain then I think you should let him go alone if he wants to.

If it's going to adversely affect the family if he goes though, then no, he should sit this one out.

Cohle · 08/01/2020 17:03

It's his friend really. I'd encourage him to go and assume that next time I wanted a few nights away (for my friends wedding/girls weekend etc) he'd have the kids.

Turn and turn about seems just as fair and far more pleasant in the long run than neither of you going if both of you can't.

TheCraicDealer · 08/01/2020 17:03

Is the stag abroad or a full weekend away? If it is, in your shoes I'd say stag or wedding- not both. Couldn't justify the expense and two weekends away (plus his normal social life) is taking the piss a bit.

SilverySurfer · 08/01/2020 17:03

I think you would be unreasonable if you stopped your DH from going. It is his friend, not yours and perhaps you could arrange a weekend away with your friends when DH will look after the DC.

Presumably you're on maternity leave so would cope with looking after them for three days.

lisag1969 · 08/01/2020 17:04

Could you not ask the company to move your holiday a few weeks. X

LightTripper · 08/01/2020 17:04

I think I would either let him go or both go with the baby if you can get somebody to mind your older two (my two will be 3 and 6 in the summer and although I wouldn't have left them with grandparents or siblings with other children to manage last summer I probably would feel less guilty about it this summer - they are significantly easier going now). Probably depends on expense and the closeness of the friendship which of those options makes more sense?

If you do stay at home can you invite yourself to rellies/friends or invite somebody over to make it more fun for you, or do something nice with the kids as a bit of a treat? As you say, hopefully the exhaustion will be a bit better by then so you'll be more in the mood for that kind of thing.

Are you partly annoyed at them for doing it this way (in term time, a flight away)? And at fate for having it happen in a city you are already visiting another time? If so I'd let that (very natural) annoyance subside a bit before making a decision.

msflibble · 08/01/2020 17:04

I'd feel similar to you OP. It sucks to be at home looking after the babies when DH goes off to enjoy himself at considerable expense to the whole household. It's happened to me more than once. However you can maybe make a compromise on this one - he goes, but for as short a duration as possible, and you take a nice weekend away somewhere with friends to relax when you feel confident to leave the baby without you.

That said, I'd only make said compromise if you feel it's financially viable, and if you're comfortable with it. Sometimes people don't get to do whatever they want because of more important priorities, and he should be grown up enough to accept that.

WorldsOnFire · 08/01/2020 17:05

I get why you feel like this OP

Ofc it makes sense for DH to go alone but don’t things always just seem to ‘work out’ and be that bit easier for him? 😂 And it’s not that you resent him for ‘having a life’ you just resent that facilitating his life makes yours harder.

Not his fault he works away - but bet he enjoys those 8 hour solid sleeps!
Not his fault he gets invited to nights out/events - But when was the last time you did?
Not his fault his friends are getting married abroad? - But you’ll have to manage with 3 small children alone the whole time whilst he goes on his jolly’s!
Not his fault money is tight- But is it fair to spend it on just him? Has he offered to get the 4am cheap flight and stay in a hostel? 😒 I doubt it!

Maybe suggest to him that he go alone but before he leaves you’re gonna check into a nice hotel for 2 nights and get plenty of sleep and self care to balance things out 👍🏻 See what he thinks