AIBU to argue that neither of us can go?

[Sassypants82]

DH & I have recently received an invitation to the wedding of a good friend, his friend first for many years. We know his fiancée well now and are all part of the same group although don't see one another much mainly due to small kids (ours). The men are regularly in touch and do meet up a few times a year.

This couple will be married in a European city in the summer. This means flights and accommodation will be priced at high season rates.

We have 3 kids. The smallest will be 10 months then. The older two will be 3 & 6 then. At the moment, the baby is breastfeeding and sleep is shite. Presumably he'll be well established on solids and hopefully sleep might be a bit better by the summer.

Coincidentally, we have a big wider family holiday planned (& already paid for in full) in the same location a few weeks after the wedding (so making a family holiday of it won't work, also during term time for my eldest, just)

Our main issue is getting a babysitter.. We do have some support but feel that asking for 3 to be minded, realistically for 3 nights and 2 full days is a bit of a piss take.

Having said that, we've not seriously asked anyone (mentioned it to SIL who reckons that 2 people at any time would be required to take care of all 3)but already I just feel like it's too much of a big ask, even if we got a few people to take turns over the weekend.

I feel like DH is waiting for me to say 'you just go, I'll stay at home' and have said as much to him. I feel however, if we both can't go, neither of us should... I don't know why I feel like that, maybe because it'd be hard on the person at home and it's not fair?for context, I'm currently on unpaid ML so the expense wouldn't be welcomed and DH does fairly regular overnights with work, maybe once a month, fairly regular work and personal nights out and I do occasional nights out (approx half of what DH does) but had a 2 night weekend away before Christmas.

Should I just graciously 'let' him go alone? Am I being mean spirited feeling like it should be both or none?

Also, worth mentioning, all the rest of the couples in the group have small children and will be having similar dilemmas, I would expect most of them not to attend but could be wrong.

We could really do without the expense or the hassle to be perfectly honest although would like to be there for our friends. WWYD? AIBU?

To be fair @Vanhi if he's going anyway it makes no difference whatsoever which flights he gets, he would still be going there and coming back on flights that are already taking place.

You are being rather petty. And why does it matter what other couples are doing? Their decisions are their own business.

Thanks again all, as I said upthread, I will identify the best flights for the shortest time possible and although its not really affordable for either of us or both of us, we could stretch to it, and see if we can get babysitters.

Otherwise, I will graciously wave him off alone.

He's actually being fine about it - wants us both to go and doesn't want to miss being there for his friend but understands that we have limitations.

For those asking, he, of course, did the childcare when I went away (after bedtime Fri night til Sun afternoon) and when I got home he said he was absolutely shocked at how I'm relatively mentally healthy and wanted to talk about putting things in place to make it easier for me.

He will always do his bit when he's here, he's just here a lot less and the mental load is carried by me always, whether or not I'm on ML.

Glad that he steps up Sassypants. Here's hoping you two find a solution that works for you both! Good luck :)

What is so difficult about having your own children, on your own, for a couple of days?! It’s not that difficult. Goodness me.

I have 2 and a dog fwiw.

Answering the initial Q. If financially it wasn’t an issue, then I’d have no issue going without DH alone for a close friends wedding. Luckily we have a good support network so would be able to go together, but if that changed I’d literally have no issue. And he would be the same for me.

The couple know you have small children and they have not invited them so I would imagine they don’t expect any of you to go .

I wouldn’t assume that at all @Floralnomad.

We’re getting married abroad and due to being older, and most of our friends and family having children, we just couldn’t accommodate the extra 82 children! Abroad or UK.

We’d still be thrilled with anyone being able to attend. That’s why we invited them !

I think if you really can’t sort the childcare, and you can spare the cash, then absolutely DH should go on his own.

Being thrilled and actually expecting people to come is totally different . It’s also different if your friends have older children and if you decide to have a destination wedding .

Hi OP bearing in mind the length of time the two men have been close friend's I think you should at least offer for him to go alone.If it were a life long friend of yours you would want to go.
I expect he is also thinking of the two night break you had yourself recently.
He might be able to share a twin room with another male friend to cut costs slightly.
Yabu,I'm sorry to say,to not consider him going.You could invite a friend around for when he's away so you have someone to talk to,watch a film with,enjoy a takeaway etc.

Let him go. It's a pain but he probably won't get the chance again.

I'd tell my H to go if he wanted to in this situation.

Even if I had relatives willing to look after the 3 kids, I couldn't be dealing with the hassle of packing all their stuff for the weekend.

I also wouldn't want to leave a 10 month old with anyone except DH for 3 nights.

We've had a similar situation for both of us - in the first (his friend) we priced it up and we're prepared to all go and make it a holiday but then our breastfed baby wasn't invited so we all decided not to go. He could have gone but wasn't that bothered if I wasn't going and couldn't justify the cost (proportionally more for one person as the hotel/hire car was the same cost regardless.

We are (children too) invited to another abroad wedding (initially my friend) but it's in term time and we don't want to take our daughter out in her first month of school. I am undecided, I haven't had the final details yet and will cost it and then decide if I can justify going alone (we don't have anyone we can leave them with for 5 days)

YANBU to not want to spend the money on it and it is different and more justifiable if you're both going.