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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to argue that neither of us can go?

113 replies

Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 16:18

DH & I have recently received an invitation to the wedding of a good friend, his friend first for many years. We know his fiancée well now and are all part of the same group although don't see one another much mainly due to small kids (ours). The men are regularly in touch and do meet up a few times a year.

This couple will be married in a European city in the summer. This means flights and accommodation will be priced at high season rates.

We have 3 kids. The smallest will be 10 months then. The older two will be 3 & 6 then. At the moment, the baby is breastfeeding and sleep is shite. Presumably he'll be well established on solids and hopefully sleep might be a bit better by the summer.

Coincidentally, we have a big wider family holiday planned (& already paid for in full) in the same location a few weeks after the wedding (so making a family holiday of it won't work, also during term time for my eldest, just)

Our main issue is getting a babysitter.. We do have some support but feel that asking for 3 to be minded, realistically for 3 nights and 2 full days is a bit of a piss take.

Having said that, we've not seriously asked anyone (mentioned it to SIL who reckons that 2 people at any time would be required to take care of all 3)but already I just feel like it's too much of a big ask, even if we got a few people to take turns over the weekend.

I feel like DH is waiting for me to say 'you just go, I'll stay at home' and have said as much to him. I feel however, if we both can't go, neither of us should... I don't know why I feel like that, maybe because it'd be hard on the person at home and it's not fair?for context, I'm currently on unpaid ML so the expense wouldn't be welcomed and DH does fairly regular overnights with work, maybe once a month, fairly regular work and personal nights out and I do occasional nights out (approx half of what DH does) but had a 2 night weekend away before Christmas.

Should I just graciously 'let' him go alone? Am I being mean spirited feeling like it should be both or none?

Also, worth mentioning, all the rest of the couples in the group have small children and will be having similar dilemmas, I would expect most of them not to attend but could be wrong.

We could really do without the expense or the hassle to be perfectly honest although would like to be there for our friends. WWYD? AIBU?

OP posts:

Maranello4 · 08/01/2020 17:05

If there are lots of other people going with children then would the people who are getting married look into getting a nanny/ some form of a activities for the children? I had no idea about this sort of thing before I had children. Have seen this done before which could be a compromise and means you get to go and can also nip out to breastfeed where you need to.

misspiggy19 · 08/01/2020 17:05

I can't agree with that. It seems unfair to decide it's both of you or nothing when it's his friend that is getting married...

^This. It would be spiteful not to let him go

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 17:07

Thanks for all the responses..

Just to clarify a few things.. If anyone is going alone, it would absolutely be DH, not me. And I would never say 'you're not going' more, make a case as to why I think it wouldn't work as opposed to sending him off with every good wish.

We could definitely, 100% do without the expense, it'll could make things very tight once it's paid for.

Unfortunately grandparents babysitting is not an option - only my elderly parents left and would not be able to help. But we have siblings that might and the idea would be to patch together a squad to take shifts. I just cringe imagining the baby waking up as much as he does now! And I'm sure some of my friends would help too.

Thanks for the input - first thing is to identify flights for the shortest time possible and see if we can get babysitters, otherwise I'll tell DH to go, graciously.

OP posts:

MopsRUs · 08/01/2020 17:08

In the circumstances, I think your DH should go alone. However, I don't like overseas weddings where all the guests have to spend high amounts and stay for several days. (Isn't going away what the honeymoon is for?)

AJPTaylor · 08/01/2020 17:08

Let him go alone. Bank it against when you go back to work and are beyond knackered. Then tell him you are away with the girls for a weekend and book yourself into the Premier Inn for a weekend.

ActualHornist · 08/01/2020 17:08

I think the fact your baby is still so small is clouding your views.

If he’s a good friend, I think DH should go alone but not for such a long time. Arrange with a friend or parent to maybe do something while he’s away - even just having your mum at yours for the duration might help.

If it were me and we could comfortably afford it I’d tell him to go alone.

DuchessofWoke · 08/01/2020 17:11

I had almost the exact same predicament with 3 children the same ages as yours.

I let him go alone. I didn’t love it but I managed. I was happy he could have a couple of days break and enjoy himself without responsibility. I knew it would come my way eventually and it did. Last summer I went to a wedding abroad alone and DH stayed behind.

Let him go. Do you have family who could come and stay with you for a couple of nights? I got my parents to come and stay for the weekend. It was fine.

Bibidy · 08/01/2020 17:11

I feel however, if we both can't go, neither of us should... I don't know why I feel like that, maybe because it'd be hard on the person at home and it's not fair?

I think this would be fairer if you were both equally friendly with the couple marrying, but it sounds like there's no way you'd be going without your DH anyway.

To me, the choice is either you agree not to go, OR you find a way you can both go. In your shoes, I would leave your older 2 with grandparents/whoever and take the baby along.

messolini9 · 08/01/2020 17:12

If this were a bloke posting, about his wife's original friend's wedding, saying if he couldn't go he would not want his wife to go either, people would be shouting "coercive control" before you could say mumsnet bingo.

Don't be a dog in a manger OP - but make sure DH knows that he owes you a weekend away later this year, while he sucks up all the childcare.

Do you think your nose might be disproportionately out of joint because DH gets more year-round social time off than you do?
Maybe that's what to work on - just not this specific weekend, which is about a guy who is more DH's friend than yours.

Notsure94 · 08/01/2020 17:13

YANBU in principle, but as they are decent friends I think yes you are going to have to stay and let him go, but make sure that you have a long weekend set aside just for yourself at some point in the future as soon as that is practical, and DH can have his turn at shouldering the load.

I don't think many people would expect you all to turn up with children to a wedding abroad - it may be that they have invited you because of the friendship and out of politeness but know it's likely you won't be able to come.

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 17:14

I can cope with the kids alright - I have them as it is but it would make for one long ass fortnight with no help over the weekend to recharge.

world has summed up how I feel very well!

OP posts:

june2007 · 08/01/2020 17:14

He can go on his own, don,t see the issue.

Gazelda · 08/01/2020 17:15

I'm afraid that it reads to me as
"We can't both go because of childcare" and meanwhile
"He can't go because of the money"

So, if childcare weren't an issue, you'd be able to find the money. Which makes your reasoning unfair.

I get that you're going to end up with the rough end of the deal if he goes. And that is definitely unfair. But I also think it unfair for you to bar him from going to a long-standing good friends wedding.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/01/2020 17:15

I get the feeling but it would be really U to "make a case as to why it wouldn't work" when you know there isn't really one!

Really close friend of mine and DH's got married this summer (in UK but 5 hours away) and we couldn't both go because no kids invited and our only overnight babysitting option had already booked a holiday that clashed. I was gutted to miss it (I'd say we are equally close to this person and all the friends we have in common with them) but stayed home and DH went.

It was fair for DH to go because I tend to get more chances to meet up with friends due to where I work.

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 17:16

Oh and he's really supportive of me getting time away - but breastfeeding infant and clingy toddler as well as the epic preparations, make it hardly worth it tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 08/01/2020 17:18

Also, can't take baby, not invited.

OP posts:

JosefKeller · 08/01/2020 17:27

Does your DH want to go? If so, discuss finances with him to reduce the stress on your family budget.

but YABU to say that if you can't go, he can't go

soapysudd · 08/01/2020 17:27

I'd ask your family if they could al pitch in with having the kids for a couple days, if they couldn't then I don't think your being unreasonable to say you should both go or not at all.

DonPablo · 08/01/2020 17:29

What's your dhs solution?

msflibble · 08/01/2020 17:29

@WorldsOnFire I'm with you on this one.

It's a gendered issue, and my guess is OP feels subconsciously hard done by because this isn't the first sacrifice she's had to make on account of being the mother, not the father, of her offspring. And that's perfectly reasonable imo. There's a lot of pressure to be the Cool Girl wife and let hubby have his fun, I know, I've done it several times myself, and it bloody sucks.

OP if you're not ok with it, you don't have to agree to anything. You're not controlling just because you don't fancy picking up all the slack while he goes off to have fun.

Cohle · 08/01/2020 17:30

If your concern is how long a fortnight it would be with no weekend break for you in the middle why not ask some of your siblings, who you would otherwise ask to babysit, to come and visit and give you a hand?

I do think it's a bit unfair that the money only seems to be an issue if you can't go with him.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/01/2020 17:34

People who are selfish enough to expect guests to spend a lot of time and money for weddings abroad should not be surprised if invitations are declined. I would not go, either of you

Leeds2 · 08/01/2020 17:34

I would let him go, to be honest.
To enable you to go, would you be able to arrange childcare so that one child went with a different person/people? So no one has to look after all three of them at once.

Vanhi · 08/01/2020 17:39

I know it's not the point of the thread but honestly, with the number of people casually saying 'can he fly out for the day and fly straight back' I'm not surprised the planet is fucked.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/01/2020 17:44

I’d have no issues with him going alone, especially as you had a weekend away before Christmas.

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