AIBU to argue that neither of us can go?

[Sassypants82]

DH & I have recently received an invitation to the wedding of a good friend, his friend first for many years. We know his fiancée well now and are all part of the same group although don't see one another much mainly due to small kids (ours). The men are regularly in touch and do meet up a few times a year.

This couple will be married in a European city in the summer. This means flights and accommodation will be priced at high season rates.

We have 3 kids. The smallest will be 10 months then. The older two will be 3 & 6 then. At the moment, the baby is breastfeeding and sleep is shite. Presumably he'll be well established on solids and hopefully sleep might be a bit better by the summer.

Coincidentally, we have a big wider family holiday planned (& already paid for in full) in the same location a few weeks after the wedding (so making a family holiday of it won't work, also during term time for my eldest, just)

Our main issue is getting a babysitter.. We do have some support but feel that asking for 3 to be minded, realistically for 3 nights and 2 full days is a bit of a piss take.

Having said that, we've not seriously asked anyone (mentioned it to SIL who reckons that 2 people at any time would be required to take care of all 3)but already I just feel like it's too much of a big ask, even if we got a few people to take turns over the weekend.

I feel like DH is waiting for me to say 'you just go, I'll stay at home' and have said as much to him. I feel however, if we both can't go, neither of us should... I don't know why I feel like that, maybe because it'd be hard on the person at home and it's not fair?for context, I'm currently on unpaid ML so the expense wouldn't be welcomed and DH does fairly regular overnights with work, maybe once a month, fairly regular work and personal nights out and I do occasional nights out (approx half of what DH does) but had a 2 night weekend away before Christmas.

Should I just graciously 'let' him go alone? Am I being mean spirited feeling like it should be both or none?

Also, worth mentioning, all the rest of the couples in the group have small children and will be having similar dilemmas, I would expect most of them not to attend but could be wrong.

We could really do without the expense or the hassle to be perfectly honest although would like to be there for our friends. WWYD? AIBU?

I’d let him go , if it was his friend to begin with ... then at least you as a family will be represented .

If anyone is going alone, it would absolutely be DH, not me.

Is that just because of the breast feeding?

I’d rather not go at all and spend that money on a family holiday with the children.

I’d let your DH go, it’s important you both keep up friendships and let your hair down sometimes. I’d want a weekend off in return!

My rule is that I only go to the weddings of people I really, really love, that way I love them enough to not worry about cost/hassle because if it's someone I love, those things don't matter. In this case I'd be alright with him going.

We've travelled abroad a few times for weddings and had a great time, but again it's only ever been for people I'm mad about. People I'm so-so about can have DH to themselves.

@Sassypants82, tbh I would make it clear that sacrifices can NOT just go one way.
Easy for him to just be away for work and then he is back home, then of course, you are spending time altogether as a family because otherwise you never see each other.
But when is the time when you have a full night sleep?
When is the time when you can just go out and have fun whilst he deals with the dcs on his own. AGAIN.

When people are saying you can’t really stop him from going to see his friend for his wedding, they are missing the part where HE has time out on a regular basis but you do NOT. The one when YOU are holding the fort in your own for the week with no help and you are expected to do that AND to also cope with the weekend in your own when he probably has never been left on his own with the three dcs for more than a few hours.

@Sassypants82, I’m wondering. When talking about the plan, has your DH asked you if you were ok to spend the two weeks dealing 3 dcs on your own? Has he ever acknowledged that this is going to be really hard work for you? Does he even have any idea of much hard work will be involved?

@Vanhi
What’s the difference between flying there and straight back vs flying there, spending three nights in the pub, and then flying back? Though I’d agree that getting dozens of guests to travel a thousand miles for a wedding is pretty shit environmentally speaking.

So my issue in your situation would be the money.
I would struggle to tell my DH to go if I knew it would have a huge negative impact on us as a family, especially if it would impact the holiday with the children a few weeks later.
Secondly you could compromise and save money but choosing to fly out early morning, and fly back late the same night or very early next morning, long as you are there for thr ceremony and early wedding party then no one could hold that against you if you have to apologise and leave, as your priorities for both of you are children. Then you may find it easier to find sitters also as it would be for considerably less time.

Are you saying that cost of him attending alone would be the issue, or cost of both of you attending? (Plus thank you gifts etc for the childcarers!!)

Childcare for you both to go sounds v difficult IMO.

You had a weekend before Xmas?

I'd let him go, it's his mate, not really yours. It's a bit shit to try to stop it, simply because you're envious he gets to go and uou dont
And let's be honest that's the reason really.

I'd let DH go. If they are good friends, it'd be nice to have at least one of you there representing the family.

Both go or none go ..
My dh would not dream of going without me

I would have said the finances issue should mean it's a no go, but then you are OK with it if the two of you go (which would be more expensive) so that seems like it's probably not a real barrier.

The real issue seems like it's more about equity in child-free social time/solo parenting for the two of you? And that needs to be about more than one event.

So I think you should a) both put a bit of effort into seeing if you can get family to take the kids so you can both attend and b) (regardless of the outcome of a) sit down with him and have a talk about free time/solo parenting and work out something you both feel you can live with. It doesn't have to be prescriptive or tit-for-tat. If you don't really want to go out as much as him but you just hate the solo parenting maybe it could be about him doing more of the heavy lifting before he goes off or when he gets home. If you want more opportunity to go out then talk about the barriers to that. If you've already had a 2 day break yourself he's presumably aware of the work that's involved in being on your own with all three.

But at the same time, he has had MANY opportunities for days out/time away wo the OP before that. It’s not like he never has the opportunity to go out/away.
She has about half of the number if nights out than her DH has. And her DH has regular overnight work trip where she is left holding the fort in her own.
Does all that not count for anything at all? Just ONE weekend away is what counts?

What’s the difference between flying there and straight back vs flying there, spending three nights in the pub, and then flying back? Though I’d agree that getting dozens of guests to travel a thousand miles for a wedding is pretty shit environmentally speaking.

There isn't a difference in terms of CO2 emissions if you compare flying there 24 hours apart or 72 hours apart. What bothers me about it is the casual assumption that travel can be that quick and convenient. So rather than 'can you fly there and back as fast as possible', if you have any environmental concerns you shouldn't be thinking of it as that quick a trip. If the OP is in the UK and the wedding is in a European city the journey should be possible by train. I find the comment difficult because it prioritises a need for speed over concern for the environment. The flying is bad - the casual assumption that flying can be done so readily purely for our convenience just puts the tin lid on it.

And no, I don't live in a yurt wearing only 2nd hand clothes, drinking rainwater and chewing locally grown potatoes cooked over a kelly kettle. I very rarely fly though.

Who looked after your children when you had your two night break @Sassypants82 ?

This couple will be married in a European city in the summer. This means flights and accommodation will be priced at high season rates.

BA holidays have really good city deals - a couple of years ago we had 3 nights at the Hilton in Prague including flights for £218 each. This was over the August Bank holiday weekend

You're not controlling just because you don't fancy picking up all the slack while he goes off to have fun.

I find this view of marriage as a race to see who can be the most miserable, rather than trying to facilitate each other having a nice life really depressing. I pick up the slack for my husband all the time, and he returns the favour. We actively endeavour to allow each other to have nice, fun things even if the other one sometimes can't be involved.

Of course it's unreasonable to not let him go because you potentially can't go. And you don't have to do the whole weekend alone, you can still say to family 'X is away this weekend and I would be extremely grateful of an extra pair of hands'

I doubt the couple want many people there if they’ve planned it abroad and no kids.

If you don’t feel like offering then don’t offer. Would he do the same for you? Perhaps that’s why you’re reluctant to offer.

I’d encourage your dh to go

Two nights with poor sleep isn't that big a deal, I'm sure family could cope. I had 4 GC for 10 days last summer so parents could go to a wedding, the littlest was just 2 and I'm closer to 70 than 60. Yes I was exhausted but it was also great having that time with them so I'd say if family are willing to have them then go for it at least with the older 2. If you explain you can't get childcare for the baby might they let you take them?

There's a lot of pressure to be the Cool Girl wife and let hubby have his fun, Did you miss the OP had a 2 nights away break before Christmas so she gets to have a break as well.

I think if you have a destination wedding you have to expect some people won't attend. Especially people with children and lower budgets.

Having said that why can't DH go alone? Sounds like a good compromise? Or go for 24 hours and take baby who may still be feeding?

Yep. Let him go alone and he owes you one. Cheapest easiest option.

My dh would not dream of going without me
Why?

I wouldn't assume all the GP 'would be glad to spend time with the GC and glad to help'. That's very presumptuous. Mine never were.
That aside. I'd let him go. But there's should never be any question of you doing the same if the opportunity arises.