DH cross I have questioned bank statement

[bank100]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have a joint current account that we both use for pretty much everything. DH is generally the one to keep an eye on our account and look out for any error transactions.

Today I had a good look through the Dec transactions as I noticed the balance was lower that usual. We are expecting a baby next month and was hoping the balance would look a bit healthier. I made a list of things I hadn't realised we were spending on. Including £100 he'd spent at various pubs (after work drinks), £100 cash withdrawn for imo no reason, £50+ at a sports venue, £70 on another hobby & numerous starbucks etc.

His reaction to me questioning these things was to grab my list, shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants. He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself. There was one cheap beauty appointment. So was IBU for questioning this, or is he being U for being so cross? I feel weird about it.

I think you should keep a closer eye on finances all the time...
His reaction seems like guilty conscience some how...
did talk about money prior to mat leave...? Think I would be looking at going back full time or at least costing it all out....

NoIdontwatchloveisland

Yes, that does make more sense. I would say that drop offs are less impactful to a career than pickups but I'm nitpicking now (but as a single parent I do both so I know which causes the most angst).

I did share money with my ex and saved for my own maternity leave but we saw it as "our" savings I suppose.

I see a lot on here where a woman saves from her own income for her maternity leave, is still expected to contribute 50% AND do/pay for childcare. I do think a lot of men see it as the woman's responsibility.

I don't want to come across as criticising people's choices but those choices aren't made in a vacuum and so often the woman ends up with the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Glad that's not what's happening with you,

Sorry to derail OP.

He bought a few lattes and took a couple of hundred pound out over December? He did well if you ask me, stop being so uptight

Is this a one off? You say he keeps an eye usually, do you look other months? I’d have a look back to see if this is a habit or just the time of year when everyone is socialising and maybe he hasn’t thought about it.

At work I have a specific duty. I’ve done it for years. There is a guy that suddenly, out of the blue, about twice a year will look into this and then email me that it looks like there is a problem I’m not handling it.

I think he’s . I do my job 52 weeks out of the year. He doesn’t notice or care most of the time. Suddenly he sticks his nose in and I have to explain things to him.

If he’d schedule a meeting to discuss the process of overseeing this area, ask me what I do and how he could get involved and help I would have a different perspective.

How is this any different? OP ignores the finances for ages then suddenly pops her head up like a prairie dog to complain about how he’s managing.

Who would respond well to that? It’s not handling things like an adult, a partner or a team.

What is the difference between a coworker and a life partner? Is that what you are asking?

Check your savings account, he could have a debt or gambling problem and be scared you’re looking into things.

Oh yes, 2020 where its still the woman who is taking the financial and career hit

Yes, but she probably made the decision to have children. While these things are often assumed to be “joint” decisions they rarely are, the man goes along with it. If he had to sacrifice his career, he wouldn’t have children.

Coming from a place where I’m the bigger earner in the household I’d be a bit pissed off too if DP combed through the statement and questioned me about spending, although it does depend on context.

It’s been December - socially a more expensive month and also busier and with shopping and different things happening on wkends, I definitely spend more on small things like a coffee / cake etc. It does all add up.

If this is a One off type of occurrence - which is sounds like it is from your post and update - I think you’re possibly being a bit unreasonable. It hasn’t left you in any dire straits for the month and seems to have been a little excessive Xmas spending, probably half the country have done the same! My bank balance is crippled.

I don’t agree that he says as he earns more he can spend it without discussion or consequence but I can also understand being a bit annoyed if it’s the only time he’s done this and you’re there with the red pen and calculator.

No @Creepster

I’m just suggesting that if a partner wants to get involved in an area of responsibility they previously left to the other person that it begin with a discussion.

Being questioned in detail about something you’ve always managed alone is likely to put anyone on edge.

In the abuse recovery community the behavior the H exhibited is referred to as DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
In this case the H could not find anything to reverse but he made the effort nonetheless.

How did you actually approach the issue because it sounds like you went straight in with having a go about how much he spends on himself so of course he'll get defensive.

If he normally manages the finances, does he ever go through questioning all your purchase?
I agree with @Bluntness100 - joint accounts are a bizarre concept.

I think the part-time work thing is an excuse. It's not to save on childcare costs. Schools do after school clubs that cost next to nothing and definitely wouldn't cost more than the extra hours to go full time.

I could understand if you were struggling to pay your bills but you're not. You're just putting less into savings than planned.

Why not just set up a standing order for the day after pay day to put £400 straight into savings?

Then once all your bills are paid whatever's left is spending money that can be split equally between you.

Present him with the costs for childcare for both your children so that you can go back to work full time after 6 months.

I suspect though this is a hollow argument as in my experience, many women don't want to go back to work full time. There was a thread a while ago about how having kids tends to be the desire of women rather than men so whether consciously or not, the load tends to be left to women because that's seemingly what they wanted. I know a number of men who'd prefer to pay childcare costs and ultimately have their wife share the financial burden, and childcare costs only last a handful of years. I'm a career woman so had 6m mat leave and chose to have only one child as working and earning is a key part of who I am.

I would kick off if DH questioned me regarding how I choose to spend my money. I would hate to be confronted for purchases I chose to make last month from money. I had earned. As long as bills are being paid, and you haven’t gone into the red, I don’t see the problem. He is saving £400 most months, I would feel entitled to have a bit of fun with my earnings now and again.

We have no joint account. We each have responsibility for different shared bills, My bills work out to a lesser amount, because I earn less. We pay our own phones, gym etc. Then we just take turns paying for food, entertainment and petrol as we go along, we don’t keep track, seems to work out fine. We have our own savings accounts and only discuss money when we want to cover a shared expense like holidays or house improvements.

I never question if he can afford the purchases he makes and he doesn’t ask me. Works for us.

And in the non abuse community the natural reaction to being presented with alist of wasteful spending rather than an initial discussion about general finances is to go into defence mode and often a form of defence is to attack. It is a big leap from a few extra coffees to a gambling addiction. The OP clearly said the amount left was less than usual, so even though she doesn't usually scrutinise the accounts she clearly knows a rough amount of how much they have and save every month. It is one month spending in the lead up to Xmas, why keep making it into something else.

This reaction about it being his money is a huge red flag.

No it isn't a huge red flag - lots of people on this thread agree with him! There are loads of posts saying that they should have separate finances, well as she earns less than him that would be the same thing she'd have less money 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Having one partner staying at home changes the dynamics. The DH hasn't overspent, in that they had enough money to cover it, maybe he isn't as committed to saving as the OP (and previous threads have accused savers of 'taking money from the family')

Whether you have joint finances or not you need to be on the same page - that's the key thing here. I'd be defensive/ pissed off if DH went through my credit card bill and decided I'd overspent because I went out a few times in December. You only live once after all...! The dc aren't going without we already have money in reserve. Just because you don't spend as much that isn't morally better, it's just different people. I probably spend more than DH in truth but equally if it was left to him the whole family would be wearing rags

OP you need to talk to him and agree what to do here.

By the way I don't agree with the DH's comment about being the higher earned, he is wrong. However the cries of 'financial abuse' and 'red flags' are OTT and minimising of genuine abuse.

I think some people live in a dream world of they think that cheap after school clubs exist everywhere or that you can always continue full on careers without one partner taking the hit. Lots of jobs require unsocial hours or traveling - CM and nurseries don't cover this and not everyone can accommodate a nanny or pay for one, even if both work.
Usually it end up that the partner with the most full on job carries on and the other one ends up struggling, trying to balance their own career and the kids because the other one simply isn't available. I think it's unusual to have a true division of labour - not saying it's impossible but for most people it's not the reality.

Also there's nothing actually wrong with wanting to sah and look after your own children while they are small. I think it's a natural thing for a mother to want to do and it's a shitty husband who takes a view that she is therefore entitled to less money/say because she wants to do that. Presumably he agreed to have those children and I assume childcare arrangements were discussed and agreed upon.
The wohp does benefit, if not financially then from the perspective of being able to go about their day and not have to worry about what happens if the DC are ill or when nursery is closed or having to rush back to get to the cm. And of course they know their dc are being looked after by their other parent, which does give peace of mind.

The wohp does benefit, if not financially then from the perspective of being able to go about their day and not have to worry about what happens if the DC are ill or when nursery is closed or having to rush back to get to the cm

But they do have to worry about putting the bread in the table, and the stress of that can't be underestimated. There appears to be a theme on these threads that the wohp is enabled by the sahm to enjoy their career. With couples I know the wohp takes on a burden and worry to enable the sahm to enjoy time with their kids as opposed to saving childcare fees.

Yes they do. I don't underestimate that - it is very stressful.
I think the theme of sahp saying that wohp benefit from their sah because so often sahm come across the attitude that they are lazy/not contributing/expecting another adult to 'keep' them, with no understanding that these children are a joint responsibility and that sah isn't some massive favour bestowed by the worker.

I think in some cases @Aderyn19 it's the case that the sahp is persuing their dream enabled by the wohp. I do think there's a marked difference between men and women when it comes to desiring parenthood and many men go along with it because "it's what you do". But this difference or ambivalence then manifests practically once the kids have arrived. A friend on mine has 2 now both at school but no intention of returning to work because she's built up a network of parent friends who she wants to continue to socialise with, plus be able to take her kids to a lot of activities. Her partner was and is well paid enough to pay for childcare but her ambition was to be a sahp. Now that she could return to work, he's feeling the pressure and resentful in economically hard times.

I'm sure that's true in some cases. How children are cared for does have to be fully agreed between partners. It's not fair for either partner to follow their dream totally at the expense of the other.
But whether women desire children more than men is irrelevant in that society does need for us to have children and men do agree to becoming fathers and having done so, they are obligated to parent. If that doesn't mean sharing cost and childcare 50/50 then it means taking on more of the cost in exchange for doing less of the childcare.

Lol sorry @Aderyn19 I thought this was another thread. Ignore me!

I was speaking generally, but as things stand, the OP's dh does benefit in that his children are being looked after by someone who loves them (which I think is important, although the DH might not be so fussed) and the family don't lose money to childcare.